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Subject: The Funnies - August27, 2008



 

The Funnies are strictly a DOUBLE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
If you choose to censore or delete it.The only ones hurt are those waiting on it
and the people they could have helped


 
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000    

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG


I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.


God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


 

Wednesday August 27,2008

Thought For Today:

COMPUTER VIRUS WARNING



The newest virus circulating is the "UPS Delivery Failure". You will receive an email from UPS Packet Service along with a packet number. NOTE: The word packet is mis-spelled on this line. It will say that they were un-able to deliver a package sent to you on such and such a date.. It then asks you to print out the invoice copy attached. DON'T TRY TO PRINT THIS. IT LAUNCHES THE VIRUS! Pass this warning on to all your PC operators at work and home. This virus has caused Millions of dollars in damage in the past few days.

Check it out on snopes:
 
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/ups.asp


 

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.  One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.  And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.  At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.  'Good idea!  Order one and, if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one, too.'

About 3 weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now.  I got her clothes yesterday!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jill's car was involved in three minor accidents over several years.
Each time she had a different part of the car repaired. The last
time, she asked what it would cost to repaint the front end - the
only portion not yet touched.

The mechanic suggested, "Why don't you just paint a bull's eye on it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle,
who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at
sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept
their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle
all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep
said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
"No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the
side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting
worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for
breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the
shovel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The U.S. Olympic women's fencing team walked away with all three
medals in the saber event. When President Bush heard that we
had the best fencing team in the world, he asked why we can't
send some of them down to Mexico to finally finish that border
fence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go
over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate
was $9,200.

I gasped. "For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and
silicone implants."

"But what about your smile?" she asked.

"If I had all that done," I told her, "I guarantee no one would
be looking at my teeth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's Links:
*some links may have adult contents on the same page,  I have no control what
 else appears on the page.  Clicker beware!
Video  Beautiful Minds - Stephen Wiltshire - Incredible
 
 
Rules Of Thumb
A rule of thumb turns information you have into information you need.
http://www.rulesofthumb.org/ 
 
World's Smallest Snake Found In Barbados
 
 
 
  Game Yathzee

What You Can Tell From A Tan...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/030.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/030.htm"> Here </a>

Peaceful Birds...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/031.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/031.htm"> Here </a>

                          _1945_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1945.html)
                          _1946_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1946.html)
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                          _2006_  ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2006.html)    
 
  ----------------------------------------------------------------
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know
where you have it tied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 

 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214


About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim


****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison ? ****

Thanks Bill

-27-

Pete Cassell, a blind country singer-songwriter, born Cobb County, GA 1917.

Carter Stanley of the "Stanley Brothers" born Stratton, VA 1925.

Jimmy C. Newman, born "Jimmy Yves Newman" High Point, LA 1927.

Frances Williams Preston (BMI CEO) born Nashville, TN 1934. Opened the first BMI Nashville office in her home. Inducted CMHF 1992.

J.D. Crowe, Bluegrass/banjo/vocals, born Lexington, KY 1937.

Jeff Cook, vocals/lead guitar/fiddle/key boards, for "Alabama," born Fort Payne, AL 1949.

George Jones released "Why Baby Why"/"Seasons of my Heart," 1955.

The Louisiana Hayride presented its last performance on KWKH in Shreveport, LA, 1960. The very successful program debuted April 3, 1948, and was known as "The Cradle of the Stars."

Homer "Slim" Miller of the "Cumberland Ridge Runners" died 1962.

James R. Denny, age 52, died 1963. Inducted CMHF 1966.

Marty Robbins released "I Walk Alone/Lily of the Valley," 1968.

Crystal Gayle's "Talking In Your Sleep" topped the charts 1978.

The Judd's gave a special concert at the White House for President and Mrs. Reagan 1988.

Stevie Ray Vaughn died in a helicopter crash 1990.

Garth Brooks released "No Fences" 1990.

Kenny Rogers "Greatest Hits" album certified 12 x platinum 1997.

Confederate Railroad's album "Confederate Railroad" certified double platinum 1998.

Tim McGraw appeared on ABC-TV's Good Morning America's Summer Concert Series in 2004. Tim's single "Live Like You Were Dyin'," was #1 at the time.



Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page
Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorrison2002@hotmail.com

 **** Country Music News
****

Trisha Survives 60-mile Walk And In-Flight Emergency
Airliner's Cracked Window Forces Emergency Landing

People Magazine is reporting that Trisha Yearwood found herself in a mid-flight emergency last week.

Returning home to the Oklahoma Ranch she shares with husband Garth Brooks, she said she heard a sound that was "almost like a gunshot" that turned out to be the cracking of the front left window of the plane at 30,000 feet.

She said remaining calm was a bit of a challenge, especially after seeing the pilots in their Darth Vader-like oxygen masks. Though the crack in the window became much larger, the pilots made an emergency landing in Baltimore before the break had a chance to affect control of the plane.

Trisha had been participating in a 3-day, 60-mile walk to benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Center. She said, "We toasted to surviving the 3-day walk ? and the emergency landing!"

 

Marty Stuart comes to TV
Tuesday, August 26, 2008 ? Marty Stuart will premiere his new television series The Marty Stuart Show this November starting with the first 26 episodes airing Sunday nights on RFD-TV. The Marty Stuart Show will begin production in September in Nashville.
The 30-minute episodes, hosted and produced by Stuart, will be a part of RFD-TV's new Sunday night prime time lineup with Hee Haw, Postcards From Nebraska, and Music & Motors. Each show will feature music by Stuart and his Fabulous Superlatives, as well as his wife Connie Smith and performance segments from the best that country music and American music has to offer. Radio personality Eddie Stubbs will serve as the show's announcer and Stuart's sidekick on every episode. 

 
"I want to establish a show that gives a voice and stage to traditional country music," said Stuart. "This show is about authenticity...from the artists who visit us in the studio every week to the people watching at home in America who enjoy watching weekly shows like The Porter Wagoner Show, The Wilburn Brothers and Flatt and Scruggs. This show will be related to that style of programming and hopefully entertain Country Fans in a similar way." 
 
Stuart will also release his second photography book Country Music: The Masters on Nov. 11. Chicago's Source Books will publish the 342-page collection that includes Stuart's personal photos of friends including Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Buck Owens, Dolly Parton, Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Ray Charles and more. The book's forward is written by long-time pal and country music fan Billy Bob Thornton. 
 
As an avid collector and historian of country music, Stuart 's other ventures include his renowned private country music memorabilia collection entitled "Sparkle and Twang Marty Stuart's American Odyssey" opening at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland on Oct. 30-March 1, 2009, as well as his weekly XM Radio show titled "Marty Stuart's American Odyssey" that explores music unique to the U.S. 


COUNTRY Stars Join In For Jerry's Kids
43rd Annual Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon Begins Sunday

Believe it or not, we're looking at what most of us see as the end of summer, Labor Day Weekend and the traditional Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon--now in it's 43rd year--Sunday (8/31) and Monday (9/1).

And traditionally, COUNTRY artists have done their part for Jerry's Kids. This year, COUNTRY artists appearing in the telethon include Reba, Sugarland, Tracy Lawrence, Jimmy Wayne, and a grown-up Billy Gilman.

Last year, the telethon raised $63.8-million and expects to break that record. Check out all the action on a television set near you, or online at MDA.org.


Patty Loveless returns to road
Monday, August 25, 2008 ? Patty Loveless announced her first tour in three years today in support of her forthcoming covers disc, "Sleepless Nights," out in September.
Loveless will kick off her tour on Sept. 26 at the State Theatre in State College, Pa. "I'm excited to get back out there and see some familiar faces as well as meet some new ones," said Loveless. "We'll perform classics from the new CD as well as many of my own hits from past albums. Performing live is one of my favorite things and I'm thrilled to get back out there." 
 
With her first release since 2005, Loveless is back with her 19th CD on a new label, Saguaro Road Records, formed in June 2008 by Direct Holdings Americas Inc. Produced with her husband and musical soul mate, Emory Gordy Jr., and backed by A-list session players, including Harold Bradley, John Hobbs, Hargus "Pig" Robbins, Harry Stinson, Steve Gibson and Biff Watson, with background vocals by Vince Gill, "Sleepless Nights" features 14 songs. 
 
Loveless' band includes guitarist Tom Britt, steel guitarist Pete Finney, bassist Jimmy Johnson, guitarist Gary Murray, drummer Martin Parker, fiddlest Deanie Richardson and acoustic guitarist and vocalist Marcia Ramirez. 
 
Tour dates are:
Sept. 26 State College, PA State Theatre
Sept. 27 Nichols, NY Tioga Downs
Sept. 28 Lancaster, PA American Music Theatre
Oct. 1-2 Alexandria, VA Birchmere
Oct. 10 Greensboro, NC Carolina Theatre
Oct. 12 Charleston, WV Mountain Stage & Cultural Center Theater
Oct. 17 Sellersville, PA Sellersville Theatre 1894
Oct. 18 Morristown, NJ The Community Theatre at Mayo Center for the Performing Arts
Oct. 24 Augusta, GA Imperial Theatre
Oct. 25 Newberry, SC Mayberry Opera House
Nov. 2 Prestonsburg, KY Mountain Arts Center
Nov. 8 Annapolis, MD Rams Head on Stage
 
 
 
Kenny Chesney fans get deluxe treatment
Friday, August 22, 2008 ? Kenny Chesney is giving his fans the deluxe treatment when "Lucky Old Sun - Deluxe Fan Pack " drops Oct. 14. The disc will contain several live songs recorded in Massachusetts and Key West, Fla.
"Sometimes I go back and listen to the shows, to just remember," said Chesney, "and you get thinking about those nights that are just so perfect. You know, that's a lot of what Lucky Old Sun is about in a whole other way... So I wondered if there was an alternative way to share these memories from Gillette Stadium (in Foxboro, Mass.) and our taking over Margaritaville down in Key West.
 
"Thankfully, the record label totally gets that my hardcore fans are so much a part of this, and that it's something they may want... beyond our studio release. So, they're allowing me to do a first week deluxe CD that will have Boston (a song Chesney wrote with his tour production assistant Mark Tamburino) and Got A Little Crazy from our Boston show and Soul of a Sailor and Guitars And Tiki Bars from the Hogs Breath' as something a little extra."
 
Beyond the four tracks, fans will be able to access downloads of the opening from this year's "Corona Extra Poets & Pirates Tour" as well as the current hit singleEverybody Wants To Go To Heaven video featuring the Wailers, which was filmed in Jamaica earlier this summer. In addition, two lucky winners and a guest will be flown to the opening of Chesney's 2009 tour in a contest called "Kick It Off With Kenny." Full details will be available soon. The music-only edition, which does not include the extra content or contest, will be released Oct. 21.
 
"Lucky Old Sun is a really personal record," said Chesney. "It comes from some pretty deep places, and it looks at my life, how I've evolved and the way the ocean can take you places beyond location. There are a bunch of fun songs on the record, for sure, but nothing quite as immediate as these live tracks, so in some ways, it's the very best of what we do in the studio and what we do in people's hometowns.
 
"In reflecting that, it seems only right that a couple fans who helped us close out this year with our new music will be in the front row at the first show of our next year. When you're trying to find new ways to engage the people who love your music, I think the more direct the better...and what could be better for us than having two winners who're that into the music we make front and center when next year kicks off?"
 



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  
Sugar Free Cocoa Mix
.
2 cups Nonfat Dry Milk Powder
1/2 cup Nondairy Creamer, fat-free -- Powder
1/2 cup Cocoa Powder
10 packets Equal? sweetener -- or Splenda sweetener
3/4 teaspoon Ground Cinnamon
Combine dry ingredients. Place in a zip baggie and store up to three
months.
To use mix:
Sugar-free Cocoa
For each serving, in a heat-proof mug add 3/4 C. of boiling water to
1/3C. Sugar-free Cocoa
Mix; stir to dissolve. Enjoy!
Note: Print instructions on a decorative card and attach to mix for gift
giving. Instructions
can also be printed onto large labels and placed onto zip baggies before
filling with mixes

FRESH PEACH SHERBET

Fresh Peach Sherbet - 26g or 19g Carbs, 2g Fiber
From Better Homes and Gardens Diabetic Living
Prep: 25 minutes
Freeze: 4 + 4 hours
Stand: 10 minutes
Carb Choices: 1.5
Orchard-ripe summer peaches or apricots make this frozen delight
wonderfully sweet, so it doesn't need a lot of added sugar.
1/4 cup sugar or sugar substitute equivalent to 1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp unflavored gelatin
1/2 cup peach nectar or apricot nectar
3 ripe peaches or 1 pound ripe apricots, peeled, pitted, and cut
into chunks (about 3 cups)
1 6-oz carton low-fat peach yogurt
1/2 tsp vanilla
1. In a small saucepan, combine sugar or sugar substitute and gelatin.
Stir in nectar. Cook and stir until gelatin dissolves. Remove from heat.
2. In blender, combine peaches or apricots, yogurt, and vanilla.
Cover; blend until smooth. Pour into a small bowl. Stir in gelatin
mixture. Cover; freeze for 4 to 5 hours or until almost firm. Beat
with an electric mixer on medium speed about 2 minutes or until
fluffy. Transfer to a plastic wrap-lined 8x4x2-inch pan. Cover; freeze
about 4 hours more or until firm. (Or freeze in a 2-quart ice cream
freezer according to manufacturer' s directions. Let stand for 10
minutes before serving.
Makes 6 (about 1/2 cup) servings
Per Serving With Sugar:
110 Calories, 0g Total Fat, 0g Saturated Fat, 1mg Cholesterol,
18mg Sodium, 26g Carbs, 2g Fiber
Exchanges: 1 Other Carbohydrates, 1/2 Fruit
Per Serving with Substitute:
The same as above, except 79 Calories, 19g Carbs
Exchanges: 1/2 Other Carbs, 1/2 Fruit


****A Parting Thought ****
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the Impersonators
would be dead. -- Johnny Carson


Last Call Y'ALL
See Ya


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
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We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
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Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
~
GOD BLESS
AMERICA
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