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25438-subscribe@zinester.com THE FUNNIES TUESDAY MARCH 29,2005 THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."-Ken Dodd Our city-bred teacher brought some eggs into class in our country school and told us we'd soon witness the hatching of our own chicks. We watched in anticipation after they were settled in their nest of straw under lamps, but by the weekend they still hadn't hatched. We arrived back on Monday morning full of curiosity, hoping we had chicks. We didn't, and they were now overdue. Later that day we overheard our teacher discussing the situation with his colleague, who suggested they might be dead. "I don't understand how," our teacher said. "I even took them home on the weekend and kept them in the fridge so they wouldn't spoil." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter says to the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi- driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get a simple cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; but while this guy drove, people prayed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife and I were planning to serve chili at a party for her extensive family. She gave me a grocery list, and at the store I picked up the fruits, eggs and milk, and then went to the meat counter where I ordered 35 pounds of hamburger. The butcher commented: "That's a lot of meat. You must be having a heck of a party." When I got home, I took in two bags of meat and went back to the van. I returned with two more grocery bags. After repeating this four times, I started to walk out again when my wife gave me a puzzled look. "Pete, what on earth did you buy?" I should have kept that grocery list for evidence -- I'm sure there was no decimal point between the numbers 3 and 5. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher. One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance. "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer. "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow." "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On a visit to my wife, Tania's, native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came up, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied, smiling broadly. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "Really? That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport.... "Most men bring their wives with them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com **** TODAY'S SPECIAL **** Ham Salad 1/2 lb. cooked pork roast 1/2 lb. cook ham 1/4 c. pickle relish 1 med. onion 2 stalks celery Mayonnaise or salad dressing Grind roast, ham, onion and celery. Blend enough salad dressing or mayonnaise to make a moist spread. Then add pickle relish. Serve on cold buns, as sandwiches, or a spread on crackers. ~&~ Berry Smoothie Ingredients: One 20-ounce can crushed pineapple in juice, not drained One 15-ounce can blueberries or blackberries in light syrup, drained 1-1/2 cup ice cubes One 6-ounce carton lemon or other fruit-flavored low fat yogurt Directions: In blender container, combine all ingredients; process until smooth. Serve immediately, or cover and refrigerate until ready to serve. Nutrition Note: Deep-blue and purple pigments in canned or fresh blueberries and blackberries, as well as pigments in cranberries, plums and cherries, contain anthocyanins, plant substances that may reduce cancer risk and help prevent urinary tract infections. Recipe makes four, 1-1/4 cup servings. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Was Marilyn Monroe's famous beauty mark real or painted on? I don't remember her having it when she was Norma Jean Baker. You were right to observe that the beauty mark arrived with the transformation of chirpy, brunette Norma Jean to the blond, sultry Marilyn. The early modeling shots from the 1940s show no beauty mark. If it was artificial, however, Marilyn was nothing if not consistent. It always appeared just above her lip, along her dimple line. Fortunately, the issue was resolved at Skinema, a fantastic site created by a dermatologist that's devoted to movie stars and their facial abnormalities. Marilyn's beauty mark was a facial mole, and was probably erased with make-up in her early career. Other famous celebrities with prominent facial moles include Robert DeNiro, Sherilyn Fenn, and Cindy Crawford. We also learned that in piercing circles, a "Monroe" refers to a stud inserted above the lip. And as to whether Marilyn had an extra toe on her left foot, as an early publicity still seemed to indicate, the answer is no **** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER **** Weather Summary: Finally some nice spring weather! Monday night will be fair and mild. Tuesday will be very mild with highs near 70! It stays very mild on Wednesday and as a cold front nears later in the day, some showers or t-storms will be possible. It looks like moisture will be lacking to some degree and this may limit the amount of showers and storms we see. It is possible that if the storms do develop, that a few may be strong. That cold front hangs up just south of here for Thursday and a low pressure develops along it and moves south of us. This means more rain will be possible on Thursday. Behind that, some dry and colder weather for the end of the week and the start of the weekend with highs back into the 50`s. It looks like it will warm back up some by Sunday and Monday. -- Jesse Walker Weather Factoid: If the temperature hits the forecast high of 70 on Tuesday, it will be the first time we`ve seen it that warm since November 1st! Monday Night Fair and Mild Low 38 Tuesday Partly Sunny and Warmer! High 70 Tuesday Night Partly Cloudy Low 52 Wednesday 40% Chance of T-Storms High 68 Low 52 Thursday Showers / T-Storms High 62 Low 45 Friday Mostly Cloudy HIgh 53 Low 40 Saturday Partly Sunny High 54 Low 35 Sunday Partly Sunny High 64 Low 40 Monday Partly Sunny High 65 Low 42 ****A PARTING THOUGHT **** "Remember... in a crisis, rise to the occasion, but don't hit the ceiling." TOON TIME Sale http:// www.buffalosjokes.com/31382.htm Here! ( http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31382.htm ) Embarassing http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31380.htm Here! ( http:// www.buffalosjokes.com/31380.htm ) A Little Unsafe http://www.buffalosjokes.com/ 31381.htm Here! ( http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31381.htm ) Example AOL Email Addresses http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/009.htm Here (http:// www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/009.htm) AOL Crash http://www.ezines4all.com/ ct200411/010.htm Here (http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/010.htm) Market Prices? http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1316.html Here! (http:// www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1316.html) Messed Up http:// www.buffalosjokes.com/31379.htm Here! ( http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31379.htm ) Chicken Nuggets http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31377.htm Here! ( http:// www.buffalosjokes.com/31377.htm ) Menu http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31378.htm Here! ( http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31378.htm ) What About The Other 10 Mins? http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/011.htm Here (http://www.ezines4all.com/ ct200411/011.htm) AOL Romance Room http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/012.htm Here (http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/012.htm) Save a little! http:// www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1317.html Here! (http://www.AikensLaughs.com/ forfun/funny1317.html) LAST CALL I had registered in a number of programs at The College of New Jersey and was looking for an option. Art, I thought, although I hadn't drawn since public school, and my husband, an accomplished artist, had been selling his paintings for years. The year flew by and on the last day of class, I loaded all my artwork into my car. At home I pulled up to the carport. I lifted the trunk of the car, and on top of the pile was my first nude painting. That is awful, I thought, truly awful. Several nude paintings underneath it were not much better. I didn't want anybody to see these terrible paintings, and especially not my husband. One by one the masonite boards reverberated with a loud crack as I broke each painting into four pieces and dropped them into the garbage can. Several days later my neighbor stopped me in a store. "Say, Nancy," he said, "is someone in your house throwing out nude paintings?" I dropped the eggs into my basket in shock. "How did you know about the nudes?" "Well," he said, "my twelve-year-old grandson found them in your garbage, and he nailed them up on the walls of his tree house." "The trouble with the younger generation is that most of us aren't in it." *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: 43371/ REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 |
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