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25438-subscribe@zinester.com THE FUNNIES WEDNESDAY MARCH 30,2005 THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.....Hmmm On a Sunday morning, our country church received a call telling us that the cows belonging to Matt, a vacationing parishioner, were out of their pasture. A group of volunteers was formed, and they went off to retrieve the cows and close the fence gate. They returned just as the service ended. The next week at church, Matt thanked everyone for their care and help. But he was, he said, surprised to find 20 extra cows in his pasture. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There has never yet been a fisherman who could keep both hands in his pockets while describing the one that got away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the 'key' word. Whereupon the child piped ups, "But awful s-m-a-r-t." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life is like a doughnut: you're either in the dough or in the hole. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain. Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World! ". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four. 4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany ! or West Germany or in "no man's land"? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question. 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question. 6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At a special dinner to celebrate a team accomplishment, we were each served our plates of elegant cuisine. A few of us had ordered ostrich and were being harassed for our selection. "You know about beef, and you know about chicken, but what do you know about ostrich?" asked one of our colleagues. "We know that ostriches are fast," I said, exhausting my knowledge of the bird. Picking up a morsel of his ostrich meat, my husband added, "Not fast enough." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If men got pregnant, maternity leave would last a year with full pay, there would be a cure for stretch marks, and morning sickness would be the nation's number-one health problem. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Acquiring a large vocabulary is easy," said a high school instructor. "By using a word ten times, you can make it your very own for life," In the back of the room a young girl quietly intoned, "Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~Q: Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup? A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two little ol' ladies were attending a rather long Sunday church service. One lady leaned over and whispered, "My butt has gone to sleep." Her friend said, "I know. I've heard it snore at least 3 times!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Halfway through the baseball season, one of the youngsters I coach still hadn't been on base. But in one game he finally managed to reach first base. Two batters later he was standing on third. I thought it would be a good time to review some theory. I leaned over and asked him to tell me which base he was on. He looked intently across at first base, turned to observe second and then stared down at his feet. He looked up at me triumphantly and announced, "This one!" You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com **** ON THIS DAY **** Chicken Soup for the Veteran's Soul by: Bill Greer A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar Note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when he comes To a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now, open- mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog Looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are You doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key." Reflection: Looks like some, people will never be satisfied with what they've got. When it comes to the work place, Employers do not know how to appreciate their people who have served them loyally through the years. I've seen companies lose good people for the simple fact their leaders failed to show appreciation. Employers with big egos enjoy the fact that they have more power and authority than others. They show, in the way they give orders and directions, that they think they are superior. They get a kick out of displaying this superiority. People who do this are fools, and everyone but them knows it. They are never satisfied because they could not be satisfied even if their people perform well. They don't listen to the opinion and ideas of their subordinates. Why? Because of their stupid pride and insecurity. People of this kind will never be satisfied. Why? Because they are so busy wrapped up in themselves and, fact is, the self can never be satisfied. Happy and productive people are always those who are "others-centered" rather than "self- centered." The greatest idea of leadership is not someone who throws his weight around. Rather, he is a servant. As Bible would say, "He who wish to be a leader should first be a servant." His joy is derived from delivering a job that others benefit from his contribution. Aim for service and success will follow. ~&~ This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen. It's an explanation many people will understand A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists." "Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things." The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!" "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside." "Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me." "Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world." If you think God exists, send this to other people If you think God does not exist, delete it! BE BLESSED & BE A BLESSING ! ~~~~~~~~~~~Blondie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** TODAY'S SPECIAL **** Baked Flounder Filets 2 tablespoons butter, melted 1 teaspoon salt 4 fillets of flounder or delicate white fish (about 2 pounds) 2 cups sour cream Place butter in bottom of shallow baking dish. Arrange fillets in bottom of baking dish. Salt generously and spread sour cream over entire surface. Bake at 375 degrees for 15 minutes or until fish can be flaked with a fork. Serve directly from dish, as fish will break up on removal. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** What's the difference between true north and magnetic north? True north is a constant and refers to the geographic North Pole. Magnetic north tends to shift and refers to the pole of the Earth's magnetic field. In mid 2004, true north and magnetic north were approximately 600 miles apart. The poles of the Earth's magnetic field are different from its geographic poles. Maps are aligned along true north, so hikers have to make adjustments when navigating by compass. In navigation, the difference between true north and magnetic north is known as declination. All U.S. Geological Survey maps print relevant declination information, and the maps are updated every five years to account for shift. Hikers traveling in Northern California, for instance, have to make declination adjustments of roughly 18 degrees. The Earth's magnetic field stems from its molten metallic core, much of which is iron. Iron is a fairly common element, since it can't be burned off during the fiery formation of stars. Iron is magnetic because its inner electron shells are slightly unstable. **** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER **** Weather Summary: A great day on Tuesday! Tuesday night will be very mild with lows in the low 50`s. Wednesday will be very mild and breezy but a cold front will enter the area by late afternoon. A few t-storms will be possible along the front and a few could be strong. This does not look like a major severe weather event but our first chance of some stronger storms this season. The chance of storms will end early Thursday night. Thursday looks nice with dry weather and highs in the mid 60`s. A second low pressure will ride up the trailing cold front for later Thursday night and Friday with rain showers and cooler weather for Friday. Friday and Saturday we will have highs in the 50`s. It will warm up some for Sunday - next Tuesday with highs back into the 60`s. The next chance of rain looks like next Wednesday. -- Jesse Walker Weather Factoid: Our first chance of a few stronger t-storms for Wednesday. Remember that a WATCH means to "watch out" for changing weather and a WARNING means "take cover" as severe weather as been spotted. Tuesday NIght Partly Cloudy Low 52 Wednesday 40% Chance of PM T-Storms, Breezy / Very Mild High 72 Wednesday NIght 40% Chance of Early T-Storms Low 45 Thursday Partly Sunny High 65 Low 45 Friday Showers High 52 Low 40 Saturday Partly Sunny High 55 Low 32 Sunday Partly Sunny High 62 Low 38 Monday Partly Sunny High 68 Low 45 Tuesday Partly Sunny High 68 Low 45 ****A PARTING THOUGHT **** Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. TOON TIME Mistakes http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31388.htm Here! Dead http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31387.htm Here! Darth Tater http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31386.htm Here! AOL Badverts http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/013.htm Here The Deep End http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/014.htm Here Finding Nemo http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1322.html Here! EDIE Navy Sealion http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31383.htm Here! Too Much Time On The Net http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31384.htm Here! Mr Ed At The North Pole http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/015.htm Here Deer John Letter http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/016.htm Here A SPY!! http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1321.html Here! Buffalos-G-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com LAST CALL Mrs. Goldfarb, rather advanced in years, had finally been persuaded to consult a psychiatrist for the first time. the psychiatrist, viewing her ruefully, said, "Mrs. Goldfarb, with your permission I will try an experiment with you. It may serve to advance us more rapidly. I am going to have you lie here on the couch for half an hour, and during that period of time I want you to think of nothing but sex. Do you understand me? Just think of sex. When I come back I will ask you what you have thought and we can proceed from there." In half an hour, he was back. "Well, Mrs. Goldfarb, have you been thinking of sex?" "Yes, doctor," she said. "And what have you been thinking?" "I've been thinking," she said, "that by me, Sex Fifth Avenue is not as good as Macy's." Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: 43574/ REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 |
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