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25438-subscribe@zinester.com The Daily Funnies THURSDAY MARCH 31,2005 THOUGHT FOR TODAY: They say that a fool and his money are soon parted. What I'd like to know is how they got together in the first place. WHAT A STEAL, JOKE OF THE DAY Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." . So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A meter reader succeeded in getting past a vicious dog that was on a very long chain. Later, he was asked by his superior, "How were you able to get past that watchdog? The customer is curious." "It was easy boss, I just parked on his chain." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful." "Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?" "A good report card next month," he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We had driven all the way from Florida, and as we neared our destination, our motor home began to act up. We coaxed it along until finally it quit at a tollbooth in Delaware. The only way it was going to move was if it was pushed. So, with my wife driving, I and some people from the cars lined up behind us began to shove. Slowly but steadily the motor home began to move, and before long we were almost to the side of the road. One young man, pushing in the area of the licence plate, called out, "Tell me when we get to Pennsylvania!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most of the cooking in our house is done by my husband, but occasionally I get to make dinner. One day it dawned on me that our ten-year-old daughter was willing to help me, but not her father, in the kitchen. I asked her why. "Well, Mom," she replied, "Dad seems to know what he's doing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember the good old days when air conditioning was an oscillating fan behind a cake of ice? Nowadays a fellow leaves an air-conditioned office at five, gets into an air-conditioned car and drives to an air-conditioned club - just so he can take a steam bath. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RICH Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs held together by their own dough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The best laid plans... A cast on my left leg quickly forced me to pay new respect to old skills, such as walking, navigating stairs and bathing. One day I propped my crutches against the towel bar and plotted the maneuvers needed to get most of me into the tub, whole and unmaimed, while keeping the cast dry. Eventually I had every move planned. The launch strategy was perfect, and I finally luxuriated in the warm water, the cast elevated high and dry on a stool. As I was congratulating myself, I noticed my right foot underwater complete with sock and running shoe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ouch! My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor. I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of my responsibilities at the hospital is distributing questionnaires to post-operative patients to determine their satisfaction with their surgery. One response read: "The nurse helped very much in the operating room before falling asleep." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks to Doc Farmer for sharing this new parody, which is to be sung to the tune from the Beverly Hillbillies) Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Dan, The documents were fake and he didn't give a damn; He put 'em on the air, an' he thought he'd done the job, But up from the web come a howlin' mob. Blogs, that is. Web logs. Checkin' facts. Well, the first thing you know ol' Dan's a-runnin' fast; Made a false report an' it bit him in the ass; He said ''dog-gonnit, I done thought I'd get away!'' But it turned out to be his a-reckonin' day. Busted, that is. Red-faced. Mud in the eye. Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Dan and all his men; And they would like to shoot you folks for turnin' all them in; You're all invited back next week to watch the Evening News, And see which correspondent's picked to fill Dan's empty shoes. Y'all come back, now, y'heah? ~~~~~~~~~~~Colin~~~~~~~~~~ A hospital corpsman and I were helping an elderly retired chief petty officer out of his wheelchair when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design. "It's a banjo," he replied, a little sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What ??? Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is an Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?) is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors, Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat is still legally married to another man, his marriage to Katherine is not binding, and now both of them are under indictment for defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization Service. If they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in polygamy as well. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins. "Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late." He said nothing at first, but as I walked to the next aisle, he called after me. . . "I know. I've had three cantaloupes." Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business. ****" WERE'S YOUR SIGN ,STUPID" **** ReRun DARWIN AWARD The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns. 2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers. 3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police car parked at the front door. 4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .38-caliber semiautomatic pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm semiautomatic pistol, the clerk with a 10mm semiautomatic pistol. Several customers also drew their guns. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Police Capt. Don Persson said, "The surprising thing is that the man had to walk right past a marked police car to get in the front door." No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire ~&~ A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed , "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately. Please!!" The man says to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question.... Where was Jesus born?" The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". "Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania somewhere!". You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com **** ON THIS DAY **** Hats off to a tough Russian!! Just amazing to think of tabby doing the distance and greater of the Iditarod in worse conditions than what our teams and mushers encounter on the average! A Russian family has been reunited with their pet cat after it made a 1,300 mile trek across Siberia to get home. The two-year-old male cat called Kuzya ran away from the Efremov family when they took him with them from Olenyok to Yakutsk in eastern Russia for the summer. After weeks of searching they finally decided the cat was dead and set off back to Olenyok at the end of the summer. But the Regnum news agency reported that three months later the cat turned up on the doorstep, tired and thin but otherwise healthy. One of the Efremov family said: "There were bite marks on the cat's tail and his claws had been worn away to nothing. He is also nervous now about going outside - and always seems to be looking for a safe hiding place. "It's unbelievable that he made it across Siberian woods and hills and crossed rivers and lakes to get home." **** PIT PASS **** Larry Foyt following in A.J.'s footsteps A.J. Foyt wasn't around much while his grandson Larry was growing up on his Texas ranch. NASCAR Year in Pictures 2000 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** 2005 CMT Music Awards Final voting is open. Let your voice be heard and vote now. **** TODAY'S MUSIC ARTIST **** Charlie Daniels Singer-songwriter releases bluegrass gospel collection. Listen to Songs From the Longleaf Pines. **** TODAY'S SPECIAL **** Bread Pudding. Make this easy, decadent recipe the day before, and chill; then bake and serve hot. Blueberry bread pudding 1 (16-ounce) French bread loaf, cubed 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, cut into pieces 3 cups fresh blueberries, divided 6 large eggs 4 cups milk 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted 1/4 cup maple syrup 1 (10-ounce) jar blueberry preserves Garnishes: fresh mint leaves, edible pansies Arrange half of bread cubes in a lightly greased 13- x 9-inch pan. Sprinkle evenly with cream cheese and 1 cup blueberries; top with remaining bread cubes. Whisk together eggs, 4 cups milk, sugar, butter, and maple syrup; pour over bread mixture, pressing bread cubes to absorb egg mixture. Cover and chill 8 hours. **** SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT **** I read this in Buff'S Scuttlebutt today In the Terri Schiavo case...let me ask y'all something. Who of you has had a pet dog or cat get old & terminally ill & in too much pain to go on? And what did you do? I doubt you let it become dehydrated & starve to death. You likely had it *put to sleep.* Shouldn't we be treating a human being as well, or better, than an animal? I am not a proponent of keeping someone in her state alive for over 15 years. I guess I am just saying there ought to be a better way to let her pass on. This case has made me seriously wonder if Dr. Kevorkian has the right idea. OH MY ! I hear some out there crying, "But that is murder!" Well, what is forced starvation but a slow method of murder ? ~ Patricia, aka ~ skulkingdawg If you have an opnion, send me an email....Jb To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Buffalos-Scuttlebutt/ **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why do we use the term "step" to refer to families created by remarriage? The prefix "step" to indicate a separation of kinship is a Teutonic term at least 1,000 years old. It was originally used to refer to someone who was orphaned, meaning that either parent had died. Over time, the term evolved and came to refer to "one who becomes father (mother) to an orphan" or to "an orphan who becomes a son (daughter) by the marriage of the surviving parent." One of the links offered this detailed explanation: "The prefix step- used in this sense is Middle English, derived from Old English "steop-." The Old English form is cognate with similar forms in many of the Germanic languages...The Old English form comes from steopcild ("stepchild"), which meant "orphan." The "steop-" prefix comes from Old English astiepan/bestiepan "bereave" (with cognates in Old High German "arstiufen/bestiufen"). The sense is that an orphan is bereaving his lost parent(s)." The prefix has since evolved to apply to any remarriage, not just one resulting from the death of a spouse. **** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER **** Weather Summary: A cold front will move through Wednesday night and could spark a few t-storms along it. A few could become severe but the worst of the weather will be north and northwest of here. Thursday will be dry but breezy and cooler wiht highs in the low 60`s. A low pressure will move south of here later Thursday night and Friday. This system will bring clouds and a chance of some showers along with cooler temperatures. The weekend looks dry and cool on Saturday with highs in the 50`s but back into the 60`s by Sunday. Early next week will be warmer with a chance of showers by next Wednesday. -- Jesse Walker Weather Factoid: The peak wind gust here at NewsChannel 2 on Wednesday was 41 mph! Wednesday Night Few T-Storms, Windy and Mild Low 48 Thursday Partly Sunny and Cooler High 62 Thursday 30% Chance of Rain Low 38 Friday 40% Chance of Rain, Cooler High 52 Low 38 Saturday Partly Sunny High 55 Low 34 Sunday Partly Sunny High 65 Low 42 Monday Partly Sunny High 68 Low 45 Tuesday Partly Sunny High 68 Low 48 Wednesday Showers High 62 Low 48 ****A PARTING THOUGHT **** The golden rule also applies to night drivers: dim unto others as you would have them dim unto you. TOON TIME Further Prayers Requested It's bad---- very bad indeed, my Father in Law is in a coma and is brain dead and in a vegetative state..... He had a DO NOT Resuscitate order on file but they brought him back to life anyway, clinically he was dead for 8 minutes..... somebody screwed up and l have no clue what is going to happen next... what a mess.. Please keep the prayers going, it's going to take allot to get us through this..... Love to all, LynnLynn Log Off http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31395.htm Here! Incontinence Hotline http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31393.htm Here! Old http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31392.htm Here! Doggy Dreams http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/017.htm Here Well Edgeukaetid http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/018.htm Here Losing Sight... http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny85.html Here! Off The Mark http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31391.htm Here! Specials http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31389.htm Here! Squirrel School http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31390.htm Here! The New Arkansas Motorcycle http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/019.htm Here New Portapotty http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/020.htm Here Tech Pro's! http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny86.html Here! If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com LAST CALL Already the mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names. "Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?" A man owes it to himself to become successful after that he owes it to the Bureau of Internal Revenue. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: 43593/ REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 |
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