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Subject: The Daily Funnies - April01, 2005



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The Daily Funnies
FRIDAY APRIL 01,2005
TGIF
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
"A bargain: something you cannot use
at a price you cannot resist." - Unknown

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my dad.
The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and
Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree,
at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed
his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked
as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just
like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through
the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hounddog
Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all
looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The installation of music on the telephone hold-line in our office
was a pleasant innovation; however, it has had its drawbacks.
During periods of severe weather, including tornado warnings,
we changed the stereo system from the usual FM "listening music"
to an AM country-music station for better weather coverage.
One day during the lunch break, when there were just two of us
tending the office and the phones, our company president called
long distance and asked to speak to the vice president, who works
at our plant. Not knowing whether the vice president was still in his office,
I put the president on hold so I could check. My co-worker, realizing who
was on hold, screamed, "Listen to what's on the radio!" From the speaker
overhead - which duplicated the music playing on the hold-line -
came the chorus of the country song: "Take This Job and Shove It."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
Irish?"
" Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right
then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses,
each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked
one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son Kevin had taken over our old home and converted it into apartments.
When the street was torn up to be repaved, I found my old yard was easier
to walk on than dodging the road debris on my daily trip to the post office.
One of Kevin's tenants complained to him that an old man was walking across
the lawn every day. Kevin laughed. "It's probably the same old man who
told me to get the grass cut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I
heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came
up with really lame excuses, I just had to.

People who got the ticket;

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning
"I was cold so I wanted to get home fast"
Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone
"I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking"
Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone
"No speaka english"
After receiving the ticket
"you son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!"

People who did not get a ticket;

I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a
radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't
look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my
radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he
skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write
him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed
Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone
"I just won the lottery"
He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery
office was closed on Sundays!
But this guy was my favorite;
I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told
him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase
papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car.
I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in
the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it
up once, to see what it would do"
I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something
to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought
she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves,
one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next
tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital
who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake.
It has yellow and black stripes, and likes to
sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle.
You catch it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with
one hand and quickly running your other hand
up the length of it's body so you can grab it
behind the neck."

"Go on," the friend urged.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying
across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end
and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

A German man accidentally torched his automobile when he tried to use
a vacuum cleaner to siphon gasoline out of his car.

The man had mistakenly filled his tank with gas instead of diesel at a filling station.

After the attendant helped him get the fuel out, the driver wanted to make
sure there was no petrol left inside.
So he tried to use the station's vacuum cleaner to suck out the last drops
of fuel. But gas fumes exploded inside the vacuum cleaner causing
major fire damage to the goofball's car.
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**** ON THIS DAY ****

Third Watch is being canceled
And also, beside Admiral Chadwick leaving JAG this year, Harm is leaving
in May. The producer says there will be so resolution to the Harm-Mac
relationship. The new younger face in JAG is a former soap star, Chris
Beetem as Lt. Vukovic.
~~~~
THE GINGHAM DRESS
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a
homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and
walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University
President's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country
hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to
be in Cambridge.

"We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would
finally

become discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided
to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always
regretted.
"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said
to him!
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance
obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested
gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.
The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the
couple.
The lady told him! , "We had a son who attended Harvard for one
year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he
was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a
memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every
person who attended Harvard and died.. If we did, this place would
look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a
statue. We

thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and
homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly
idea how much a
building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the
physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it
cost to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? "
Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and
bewilderment.
Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to
Palo Alto, California where they established the university that
bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that
Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those
who they think can do nothing for them. ----

A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes

**** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****
Deviled Egg Potato Salad
9 hard boiled eggs, peeled
1/2 c. chopped onions
1/4 c. shredded pimentos
1/4 c. shredded green pepper
1/2 c. mustard
1 tbsp. salt
6 c. boiled potatoes, cubed
1/2 c. shredded dill pickles
1/4 c. shredded celery
1 c. mayonnaise
1 tbsp. paprika
Cut 6 boiled eggs in half; remove yolk. Place yolks in bowl and mix
with 1 teaspoon pickles, 1 teaspoon mustard, 1 tablespoon mayonnaise,
dash of salt; stiff eggs with the yolk mixture. Set eggs aside. Mix
potatoes with remaining ingredients. Add eggs (flaked with fork)
last. Top with paprika and arrange deviled eggs around top of salad
for decorative look.
~&~
Shrimp Jalapeno Poppers

1 large can (approximately 28 ounces) whole Jalapeno peppers

Vegetable oil for frying

For the filling:

1 pound cooked shrimp, chopped

2 tablespoons finely chopped onion

1 / 4 teaspoon salt

1 / 4 teaspoon black pepper

1 / 8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 garlic clove, minced

1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

Breading:

1 cup flour

1 / 4 teaspoon salt

1 / 4 teaspoon pepper

1 cup milk

2 eggs

1 cup dried bread crumbs

Cut the peppers in half lengthwise. Discard pulp and seeds and rinse
carefully.
In a large mixing bowl, combine filling ingredients. Stuff pepper halves with
the filling. Put the stuffed peppers in a single layer on a baking sheet and
place in the freezer to firm up (30-40 minutes).
To make the breading, combine the flour, salt and pepper in a medium bowl.
Place the milk in another bowl, and whisk the eggs into the milk until
well-blended. Place the bread crumbs in a third bowl.
Remove the peppers from the freezer and roll in the flour. Then dip each one
in the milk and egg mixture, and finally into the bread crumbs to coat
thoroughly. (Repeat process if not coated enough, or if you desire more coating.)
Place the breaded peppers back on the baking sheet and once again into the
freezer for 30-40 minutes.
Fry in oil at approximately 365 degrees, or until golden brown. Drain on
paper towels.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

I read that Seabiscuit won the Santa Anita handicap. Why is a horse race called a handicap?

Not all horse races are handicaps. The term "handicapping" has two distinct meanings. Handicapping is the art using a number of factors (past performances, track conditions, current health of the horse, etc.) to predict which horse will win a race, and it is also a particular type of horse race. In a handicap horse race, varying amounts of weight are added to the horse saddles. This is an attempt to even out the competition, in case some horses are clearly more dominant than others. It makes the outcome more difficult to predict, which means the track makes more money.

Seabiscuit often raced in handicaps with an absurdly heavy load of 130 pounds. An extra weight of two to three pounds is usually enough to slow a horse by a length. Seabiscuit won the 1940 Santa Anita handicap on his third try.

**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****

Weather Summary:
A storm south of here will bring increasing clouds for Thursday night.
That system moves south of us on Friday and will bring cloudy skies with
a chance of showers. The best chances farther south. It will also be
cooler on Friday with highs in the low 50`s. Some showers will still be
possible Friday night but should be gone by early Saturday morning.
There may still be lots of clouds early Saturday but becoming partly
sunny by afternoon and still cool with highs on Saturday in the mid
50`s. Sunday will be dry and warmer with highs in the mid 60`s. The
first of next week looks great with dry weather and highs near 70.
Another storm system heads this way for next Tuesday - Wednesday. It`s
early but there is a chance of some bigger t-storms with this storm. It
looks like it will turn colder by the end of next week and it may stay
cool for a few days after that.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
March ended up being 1.5 degrees BELOW normal and 2.02" BELOW normal. A
cool and dry month.
Thursday Night
Increasing Clouds
Low 38
Friday
Mostly Cloudy, Showers Possible
High 52
Friday Night
Showers Possible
Low 35
Saturday
Partly Sunny
High 55
Low 35
Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 65
Low 35
Monday
Partly Sunny
High 70
Low 48
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 70
Low 48
Wednesday
Showers / T-Storms
High 62
Low 45
Thursday
Mostly Cloudy
High 56
Low 42

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

It's tough being a politician. Half your reputation
is ruined by lies. The other half is ruined by the truth.
LAST CALL
On vacation in Tenn. with a senior group. I got up in the morning and put on my glasses. I told my wife I'm seeing blurry. I took a shower and flushed my eyes but still couldn't see clear. We went for breakfast and I had a hard time filling my coffee cup. I could barely see my bagel. I couldn't leave the senior bus tour to go to an optometrist. One of the senior's gave me eye wash to flush my eyes. I was seeing double all day. I told my wife that it's funny because I can read through the top part of the glasses which was the distance part. After a whole day of tripping, and holding my balance I just was completely aggravated. Later in the day I felt the side of the glasses and felt a design and I realized they weren't my glasses. I asked my wife if she had her glasses. She said "they were in her glass case." I said "let me try them". They were my glasses. My wife picked up my glasses and put them in her case.
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