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The Almost Daily Funnies
 TUESDAY APRIL 5,2005 THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly Police in San Diego are searching for a gunman
who swiped a bag the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast. I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker." "No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replies. . . "Well, son, you must of got it from your mother, 'cause I still have all of mine." **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** Greatest all-time April Fool pranks!!!! The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best." Instant Color TV In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, all viewers could now quickly and easily convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen, and they would begin to see their favorite shows in color. Stensson then proceeded to demonstrate the process. Reportedly, hundreds of thousands of people, out of the population of seven million, were taken in. Actual color tv transmission only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970. The Left-Handed Whopper In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left- Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version." . HEY Y'all HERES YOUR SIGN You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com **** ON THIS DAY **** MEMORIES A little house
with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat. (We had two bedrooms) In the kitchen on
the wall we only had one phone, And no
need for recording things, someone was always home. We only had a
living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate. We had no need for
family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine. We only had one TV
set, and channels maybe two, But
always there was one of them with something worth the view. For snacks we had
potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip. Store-bought
snacks were rare because my mother liked
to cook, And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book. The snacks were
even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense. Weekends were for
family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray. When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because we liked to be together. ??
Sometimes we would
separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone. Then there were
the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car. Then there were
the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason. Get a baseball
game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video. Remember when the
doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend? The way that he
took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you. Remember going to
the store and shopping casually, And
when you went to pay for it you used your own money? Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, Remember when the cashier person had to really count? Remember when we
breathed the air, it smelled so fresh
and clean, And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green. The milkman used
to go from door to door, And it was just
a few cents more than going to the store. There was a time
when mailed letters came right to your
door, Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store. The mailman knew
each house by name and knew where it
was sent, There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant." Remember when the
words "I do" meant that you really
did, And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid. T'was no such
thing as "no one's fault, we just made a
mistake," There was a time when married life was built on give and take. There was a time
when just one glance was all that it
would take, And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make. They didn't look
like turtles trying to squeeze out every
mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style. One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five. The record player
had a post to keep them all in line, And
then the records would drop down and play one at a time. Oh sure, we had
our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, trying for a better way. And every year
that passed us by brought new and greater
things, We now can even program phones with music or with rings. Oh, the simple
life we lived still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run? And why would boys
put baseball cards between bicycle
spokes, And for a nickel , red machines had little bottled Cokes? This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways, I love the new technology but I sure miss those days. So time moves on
and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane. ~&~ "The Good Old Days" "Hey Dad," one kid asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "It was a place called "at home," I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. Bicycles weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line (called a Party Line). Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4:00 am every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with the young ones. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS
****
Wed., Apr. 6 6:00 PM ET/PT This one hour special will feature the nominated videos in the coveted CMT Music Awards video of the year category. The final nominees for the award will be announced at the beginning of the CMT Music Awards live on CMT Monday, April 11 at 8 p.m. ET. Voting will take place during the live broadcast on CMT.com. During the special, hosts Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall will feature the full-length video of all eight first round nominees. Videos nominated include: Big & Rich, "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" Kenny Chesney, "I Go Back" Toby Keith, "Stays In Mexico" Tim McGraw, "Live Like You Were Dying" Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss, "Whiskey Lullaby" Rascal Flatts, "Feels Like Today" Gretchen Wilson, "Redneck Woman" Keith Urban, "Days Go By" Watch the video of the year special, tune in for the CMT Music Awards, and vote for your favorite. **** TODAY'S SPECIAL **** Mexican Rice 1 cup Rice2 Tbsp. oil 1/2 tsp. salt 1/2 tsp. ground cumin 1/2 tsp. chili powder 1cup chopped onion 1/2 chopped bell pepper 2 lg. cloves garlic, chopped 1 can Rotel tomatoes (I use the mild kind ) 1-1/2 cups chicken broth Brown the rice slightly in the oil. Add the vegetables and cook till they start to soften slightly. Add spices and let the flavors bloom. Add the liquids, stir, cover and simmer slowly for 15 mins. Remove the cover and continue to cook till all juice is absorbed and rice is tender....SO GOOD ! ~&~ Dr. Pepper Cheese Ball Dr. Pepper Cheese Ball 1/2 pound processed American cheese 3 ounces cream cheese 4 tablespoons Dr. Pepper 2 teaspoons lemon juice 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon minced garlic 1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes 1/2 cup chopped pecans Place cheeses in large bowl of electric mixer; mix until blended. Add Dr. Pepper and mix until light and fluffy. Add remaining ingredients and mix until blended. Shape into 2 balls and chill for 20 minutes. Place in a plastic bag and chill thoroughly. Serve with a cheese knife for spreading on crackers.
What actor has appeared in the
most movies? I heard it was Gene Hackman. Rentals
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