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The Almost Daily Funnies


WEDNESDAY APRIL 6,2005

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of
"rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".


WOOPS
Many years ago when I was a teenager my Dad played softball. We always
went to his games as a family. One Saturday my Mom couldn't make
it...and it was a double header. But we sisters when with Dad.

 He got injured in the first game and it looked like he cracked a couple
ribs. Mom wasn't there to make him stop and get it checked out. So we
tried to patch him up the best we could for the second game.

 All we had were maxi pads and an ace bandage. We used the maxi pad to
protect the ribs and held it on with the ace bandage. It worked well
until the fifth inning when Dad hit the ball way out.  But as Dad
rounded first the Maxi Pad had worked it's way loose fell out of his
shirt! He didn't notice it...he kept running!! He made it to third
partially because everybody was laughing so hard they could barely play!
The ump at first picked up the maxi pad and brought it over to my Dad
and announced..."You dropped this"!!

Needless to say my Mom heard all about the injury and they called my Dad
'Maxi' for the longest time!

Anne
FROM BUFFALO'S G JOKES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife:  Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife:  It won't take long.

Husband:  I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife:  I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
night?

Wife:  Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife:  If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife:  You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife:  (Sob-Sob)

Husband: All right, I'll do it.

Wife:  What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife:  Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife:  Oh, yes, honey.

Husband:  Is it up far enough?

Wife:  Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the
window open, do it yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boy, I'd just get that window fixed, couldn't stand that every night......Jb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the
fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to
bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake
passing by who had caught a worm. The
fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed
him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,
he snatched him up again and poured a little
beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at
his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake
with three more worms in his mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with
St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried
our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose
one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her
file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a
very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the
patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very
hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's
file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says,
"Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
But you can have three
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible:
the Pharaoh won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are
mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual,
etc. He's about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above:

      "YOU, MOSES, HEED ME. I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS."

Moses is staggered.

The voice continues:

      "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM BONDAGE.
      IF THE PHAROAH REFUESES TO RELEASE YOUR BONDS I WILL
      SMOTE EGYPT WITH A RAIN OF FROGS."

      "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL TO THE
      PROMISED LAND.  IF THE PHAROAH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I WILL
      SMOTE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS."

      "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO FREEDOM AND SAFETY.
      IF THE PHAROAH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU, I WILL PART THE WATERS
      OF THE RED SEA TO OPEN YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED LAND."

Moses is stunned.

He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! -
but what's the bad news?"

      "YOU, MOSES, MUST WRITE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dee was hunched over the bar, toothpick in
hand, spearing futilely at the olive in the drink. A
dozen times the olive bounced away.

Finally, another patron, who had been watching
intently from the next stool, became exasperated
and grabbed the toothpick.

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily
skewered the olive.

"Big Deal,"  Dee muttered. "I already had him so tired
out, he couldn't get away."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago a 45 year-old woman was arrested in San Antonio,
Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana
were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought
to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police she said that she
didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change
the oil.
She musta been blonde,too.....Jb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out
of my closet.

I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.  So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.  "That could be an interesting topic.  But let me
ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff ~ grass.  Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out
a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.  Why do
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded.  Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power, when you obviously don't know crap?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and
demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than
the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the
coach blustered.  "Look."  He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock
who was jogging down the hallway and says to him. . .

 "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Ohhhh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his
head.....

"I would have phoned."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde was attempting to return a disposable barbecue. When asked why
she was returning it, the woman replied that when she opened it, there
wasn't any meat in it.

The shop assistant patiently explained that the barbecue was simply to
cook the meat, and that it didn't include any food.

The customer looked very embarrassed indeed. The assistant looked at her
receipt and asked: "There are three barbecues on here. Are you returning
the other two as well?"

"I can't", she said. "They're at home in the freezer"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY DOG, TRUCKER LOVED THIS ONE

Instructions on how to clean your toilet. . .


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,

The Dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at red-light, that when
the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are
compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress
toward our destination?

"Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches
closer, I can spend the rest of my paycheck on another tank of gas!"

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

 Two men traveling on Highway 389 in Iowa ended up in jail because
the hood of their car popped open. The men were heading south
Thursday when the hood opened and covered the windshield.

Instead of pulling over to fix the problem, the men stuck their
heads out the windows so they could see the road and kept going
at about 55 mph, police say.

Two sheriff deputies on patrol took note, and pulled them over.

They arrested the driver on reckless driving and no proof of
insurance. The passenger was arrested on a parole violation warrant
from Illinois.
HERE'S YOUR SIGN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darren Death was arraigned Wednesday on charges he stole nearly
$300,000 from a cemetery group in New York.

Death, who is treasurer of the cemetery association, pleaded
guilty for allegedly using cemetery funds for his own purposes,
a court spokesman said.

Death was released on his own recognizance and was ordered back
to court next week. If convicted he would face up to 15 years in
prison. No death penalty is expected.
HERE'S YOUR SIGN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the
obstetrician solicitously.

"No," replied the blonde mother to be. "He and my husband don't
get along."
????????????????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Listen To the Chimes

Carol Roach 

Drip, drip, drip - the faucet in the bathroom drips, constant,
faithful, never ending, abundant, forever. The sound reminds me of
footsteps in a parade. The march goes on. It has a destination, a
purpose, a reason for being.

Life is full of ups and downs. There are many things we can control
and many we cannot. When I listen to my chimes it tells me, like the
water faucet, we must continue to march to the tune of our own
personal melody.

I must continue on steadfast, never daunting. I must meet head on
what life has in store for me. We are soldiers in the parade of
life. We have God-given strength to carry us through to the end.


We march in faith.
We march in strength.
We march in unison
We march in good times and in bad,
We are one with the universe and we continue,

Drip, drip, drip,
The water faucet sings,
Drip, drip, drip,
The water is free flowing,
Drip, drip, drip,
Our life can be free flowing,

Just listen to chimes of your heart and embrace what comes your way.
Hold your head high and march with a power emanating from the core
of your being.

Keep the faith and never falter
Take on life as it comes
Listen to the chimes and open your heart
Have the courage and trust in yourself

You are beautiful,
You are divine,
You are a soldier of the universe,
Listen to the chimes.

Winterose@videotron.ca

        **** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****        

Bodacious Broccoli Salad


8 slices bacon
2 heads fresh broccoli, chopped
1 1/2 cups sharp Cheddar
   cheese, shredded
1/2 large red onion, chopped
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
2 tbs. Splenda or sugar
2 teaspoons ground black pepper
1 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup mayonnaise
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice


Directions
1 Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium
   high heat until evenly brown and crunchy. Drain, cool and crumble.
2 In a large bowl, combine broccoli, cheese, bacon and onion.
3 Prepare the dressing in a small bowl by whisking
   together the red wine vinegar, splenda, pepper, salt, mayonnaise
   and lemon juice. Combine dressing with salad. Cover, and
   refrigerate until ready to serve.Prepare at least two hours
before serving. You can use low fat mayo and cheddar,
as desired.  Be sure to have copies of the recipe
on hand, as everyone will ask for it!
Prep Time: approx. 15 Minutes. Cook Time: approx. 15
   Minutes. Ready in: approx. 30 Minutes. Makes 12 servings.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Do fingerprints remain the same from birth to death?

Our results did not disappoint. One of the links was from CrimTrac, an agency created to help the Australian police in forensic matters. There we learned that there are two fundamental principles to the science of fingerprinting -- uniqueness and immutability. Uniqueness, of course, refers to the fact that no two individuals, even identical twins, have identical sets of fingerprints.

Immutability refers to the fact that friction ridges, the little lines and swirls that compose fingerprints, do not change naturally during a person's lifetime. An embryo's fingerprints are fully formed by the fourth or fifth month of pregnancy and remain much the same until death. The only changes the site notes (apart from changing in size as we grow) are due to "accident, mutilation or skin disease."

Of course, this led us to wonder if someone could intentionally alter their prints. The web site of the West Virginia State Police provided our answer:

Though many have tried to alter their fingerprints to prevent criminal identification, no one is known to have been successful. One famous criminal, John Dillinger, tried acid on his fingertips, yet was successfully identified upon his death. Another tried skin grafting, but again his attempt at eluding detection was unsuccessful. By all accounts, attempts at altering fingerprints have usually brought the individual nothing but intense physical pain.

Seems the power of the print is pretty indisputable


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
Weather Summary:
A slow moving storm system will pass south of us the next couple of
days. It brings clouds for Tuesday night and it stays mild. Showers and
storms will develop on Wednesday (looks like any severe weather will
stay south of here) and it stays mild with a high near 70. The rain
chances stay with us Wednesday night and Thursday. It will turn a little
cooler by Thursdsay (highs in the low to mid 60`s). Friday will be dry
and a little cool but still above normal. The weekend looks great with
sunshine, dry conditions and highs in the 60`s. The start of next week
also looks dry and mild with highs back around 70.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
Most tornadoes happen between 4pm and 10pm but they can and have
happened at all hours of the day and night.

Tuesday Night
Cloudy
Low 55

Wednesday
Showers / T-Storms Developing
High 70

Wednesday Night
Showers / T-Storms
Low 53

Thursday
Showers Likely
High 64
Low 53

Friday
Partly Sunny
High 62
Low 42

Saturday
Mostly Sunny
High 65
Low 38

Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 68
Low 42

Monday
Partly Sunny
High 70
Low 45

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 70
Low 45



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
My home church welcomes all denominations,
but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.

TOON TIME

Stay Out Of The Cookie Jar
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313125.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313125.htm ">  Here!</a>

Martha Stewart At Home
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313124.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313124.htm ">  Here!</a>

Death
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313123.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313123.htm ">  Here!</a>

When To Go To Denny's...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/026.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/026.htm"> Here </a>

New Watersport...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/027.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/027.htm"> Here </a>

You Always Wondered What It Looked Like?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny110.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny110.html">Here!</a>

Roach Rodeo
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313122.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313122.htm ">  Here!</a>

Believe It Or Not
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313120.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313120.htm ">  Here!</a>

Thesaurus
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313121.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313121.htm ">  Here!</a>

Liar Liar
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/005.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/005.htm"> Here </a>

Death Meets Deaf
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/006.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/006.htm"> Here </a>

No Half Measures!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny109.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny109.html">Here!</a>




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