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The Almost Daily
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THURSDAY APRIL 7,2005 THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing
dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put
him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to
the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer
jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few
seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw
on the handler's arm. He
says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and
her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on
arrival. "Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a
few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two
paws on the handler's arm.
The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again
I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first
man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the
aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits
down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat,
and poops all over the aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from
a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What
the hell is going on with this stupid dog? .....The
handler nervously replies, "He just found a
bomb.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While our friend Charles was making reservations for two at a restaurant, he thought perhaps his neighbors might like to go. He quickly told the receptionist to make it for four. When he and his wife arrived at the restaurant, the hostess asked the whereabouts of the other guests. Charles apologized and said it would just be the two of them after all. They were led to the dining room and seated in solitary splendor at a huge table. The receptionist hadn't crossed out the "2" before she added "4," and a table for 24 guests had been prepared. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOUTHERN SENATORS Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day." -- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa "Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego "I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks." --Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cruise director of a cruise ship was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea. "Do you know what level means?" he asked the group of six to eight year-olds. One boy replied immediately. "A level is something you need to pass to get to a harder screen in a video game." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payes, the works. The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator." Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?" The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?" The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University." The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You know what I watched last night? "Mad Max, the Road Warrior," the Mel Gibson movie ... what was that, about 1980? It takes place when gas is so precious, people are killing each other for a couple of gallons. And it was set some time in the future ??“ I think it was summer 2005." - Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After my husband arrived at Philadelphia International Airport to attend a conference, he took the shuttle bus downtown. When he spotted his hotel a few blocks away, he decided to stretch his legs and walk the rest of the way. He got off the bus, but after a few steps, he realized that not only was the sidewalk extremely icy but he had to get down a slippery hill with nothing to hang on to. After a few seconds of deliberation, he lay his suitcase down, sat on it and glided safely down the hill. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father is in church with three of his young children, including his six year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOOD POLICE At my grandson's school, the lunch-hour rule is that the children must eat their main course first, before dessert. One morning my daughter had to make Jake's lunch in a hurry: granola bar, cheese, raisins, cantaloupe, orange, snack cake and a juice. Jake looked distressed, so his mother explained that his lunch was nutritious, and she just didn't have time to make a sandwich. "But Mom," Jake cried, "what do I eat first?!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I went to Japan to teach English I spoke no Japanese. The easiest words to understand were those borrowed from the English language. One of my lessons was on clothing, and we were discussing such things as colors, textures, and patterns. Turning to the only male in my adult class, I asked him how many pairs of pants he owned. There were a few chuckles around the room, but Naoko answered, "About 12." My next question was, "What colors are they?" This resulted in more laughter, but Naoko bravely replied, "White, beige, light blue, brown, red-and-white stripes...." "Really, Naoko!" I said in surprise. "Red-and-white stripes? I'd sure like to see those!" The class erupted in laughter. That's when one student explained that the word "pants" in Japanese refers exclusively to underwear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With the talk about using feminine products for non-feminine jobs, I thought some might enjoy this one. When Mt. St. Helen blew it's top several years ago, I had charge of several big trucks that were up in the area. With the fine volcanic ash, even the 5 micron secondary air filters on the intakes wouldn't screen out the finer ash. Sucking the ash into the engine,(about $ 15,000.00) apiece, which is like dumping sand into the crankcase, not to mention the down time while being repaired, prompted me to tell the drivers to shut the rigs down until they could get a pair of women's pantyhose. Then to duct tape the waistband around the breather stack, leaving the legs free. The finer mesh of the material would screen out the ash and allow them to run the engines without major damage. So, do you really think that I could get even one of those "ROUGH, TOUGH TRUCK DRIVERS" to go into a store and buy a couple of pairs of pantyhose? Not in this lifetime. I finally bought a fifty pair case in Fontana and sent it up there, having grounded all the trucks until it arrived. Most of the drivers did carry a few Kotex pads in their tool boxes for wrapping around minor leaks until repairs could be made. Being male, I will never understand women, but sometimes I can understand the comment when they give each other "that look" and simply say,"MEN". Freddy FROM BUFFALO G JOKES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEADS UP NeedyMeds http://www.needymeds.com/ Help with your medication costs TheFreeSite.com: Free Software: free text utilities, freeware text ...
You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. **** **** ON THIS DAY **** Ramblings Of A Retired Mind - I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'. I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust." I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. **** TODAY'S SPECIAL **** Grilled San Antonio Pork Roast 1/2 fresh pork leg roast, about 3-1/2 to 4 pounds Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste 1/2 cup smoky barbecue sauce 1/2 cup grape jelly 2 teaspoons chili powder Prepare medium-hot banked fire in kettle-style grill. Season pork roast with salt and pepper. Grill over indirect heat, not directly over fire, in covered grill. Meanwhile, stir together barbecue sauce, jelly and chili powder. After roast has been on grill for 30 minutes, start basting with sauce mixture every 5-10 minutes until internal temperature of roast, measured with a meat thermometer, reads 150 degrees F., 20-30 minutes more. Remove roast from grill and let rest 5 minutes before slicing to serve. or Bavarian Pot Roast 3 lbs beef pot roast -- (3 to 4) 1 tsp. oil 1 tsp. salt 1/2 tsp ground ginger 1/8 tsp pepper 3 whole cloves 4 apples -- cored and quartered 1 sliced onion 1/2 cup apple juice -- or water 3 tbsp flour -- (3 to 4) 3 tbsp water -- (3 to 4) Wipe roast and trim fat. Rub top of roast with oil. Dust with salt, ginger and pepper. Insert cloves in roast. Put apples and onions in crockpot and top with roast. Pour in juice. Cook on LOW 10-12 hrs or on HIGH 5-6 hrs. Remove roast and apples - mix flour and water to a paste and stir into crockpot. Cover and cook until thickened. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Who's the guy on the NBA
logo? Weather Summary: A slow moving low pressure south of here will keep the chance of showers with us through Wednesday night and Thursday. It will also be a little cooler on Thursday with highs in the low 60`s. Friday will be dry and pleasant with with highs in the mid 60`s. The weekend looks great with lots of sunshine and highs in the 60`s to near 70! Next week starts off nice on Monday but another "closed low" will wander around near us from about Tuesday - Thursday of next week with a chance of wet weather. -- Jesse Walker Weather Factoid: The state that averages the most tornadoes each year on average is Texas. Wednesday Night Scattered Showers Low 52 Thursday Scattered Showers High 63 Thursday Night Becoming Partly Cloudy Low 42 Friday Partly Sunny High 65 Low 42 Saturday Mostly Sunny High 66 Low 42 Sunday Partly Sunny High 68 Low 45 Monday Partly Sunny High 70 Low 47 Tuesday Showers / T-Storms High 70 Low 50 Wednesday Showers / T-Storms High 68 Low 48 ****A PARTING THOUGHT **** If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall TOON TIME Soap Operas
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