THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her out to some place expensive.......
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

It's a rare executive who is so tired that he can
hardly lift his feet to the top of the desk. 


 A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are having a holiday at the North
Pole. The blonde's weight is 110 pounds, the red's is 130 pounds, the
brunette's is 150 pounds. One day, the three of them are having a trip
on a sleigh.
      Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw
out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help.  The bear comes
closer. They realize that one of the three will have to sacrifice
herself so that the 2 others will be able to escape. "You should do it,"
the blonde says to the brunette. "The bear will need more time to eat
you then to eat me or the redhead."
      "I guess you're right," the brunette says. She jumps out of the
sleigh and gets killed by the bear.
      "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says, but the bear reopens
the chase.
      "Now it's your time, red," the blonde says. "Your weight is bigger
than mine."
      "I guess you're right," the red says and she also jumps out and
gets killed. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says.
      The bear still won't stop hunting the sleigh. The blonde really
gets mad and she cries out, "You stupid animal!!  Just wait a minute!!
I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.
Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal
Revenue Service in error. So the I.R.S. operator asked
me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross,
you know, where they take the blood."

She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isn't it amazing that people moan about ATM fees more
than the government taking 40 cents out of every
dollar we earn?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My husband and I have started counselling to enhance
our relationship. I suggested he read a book that
might help us.
It's titled: 'Women are Always Right, Men areAlways Wrong.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just
give me the good news."

Wife: "Well, the air bag works."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and
said, "My heart is broken.  I saw you with another man
yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my
husband, you know there's no one but you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him
a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home
from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly.
"I married your sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For years my husband denied he was an aggresive driver. That changed one
day when we were out for a drive with our three-year old son, Matthew.

Seeing a teaching opportunity, I asked Matthew about traffic lights.

"What does a red light mean?" I asked.

"Stop."

"Good. How about green?"

"Go."

"And yellow?" I conintued.

In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed. . . .

"Hang on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill:  I finally quit smoking by using the patch.

Doug:  Oh yeah??  I tried that but it didn't work for
me.

Bill:  Well the trick is that you gotta put them OVER
your mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was going out of town and needed to board his horse for a couple
of months. He asked a local farmer about it and was told, "Sure, but I
charge $50 per week, and I keep the manure."

      The fellow can't afford that, so the farmer referred him to ol'
Jones, down the road. When approached with the request, Jones said,
"Yup, I can do it for $40 a week, and I keep the manure."

      This is still too much, and Jones suggested that he try Mr. Brown.
When our desperate friend asked Mr. Brown, he is surprised to hear,
"Sure, Sonny. I'll be glad to for $5 a month."

      With delight, the young man exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that
price you'll want to keep the manure."

      The old man looked at him with kind of a squint, and replied,
"Feller, for $5 a month, there ain't gonna be none!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alternate Uses for Duct Tape

Hate finding your mailbox clogged with junk mail, advertising
circulars and bills? Duct tape your mailbox shut.

Obliterate that blinking "12:00" on your VCR once and for all with
a single strip of duct tape.

Gals - duct tape keeps the toilet seat down

Guys - duct tape keeps the toilet seat up

Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint and
pet hair from clothing and furniture also picks up small pets from
clothing and furniture.

Replace winter boots with socks wrapped in several layers of
duct tape.

Duct tape hand held games to your car's steering wheel for amusement
during afternoon traffic jams. Also great on trips.

High chair falling apart after the third kid? Duct tape will make
it last for three or four more.

Make a fashion statement: Patch old blue jeans with duct tape.

Broken wooden serving spoons? Repair with duct tape, instant
mock-silver service.

Tired of refrigerator magnets tumbling to the floor each time
you reach for a cold drink? Duct tape will hold the kids' artwork
until they graduate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  What does W.O.M.A.N stand for?

A.  Will Often Moan And Nag
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bush was asked about the literacy problem. He said, 'We can solve
the literacy if every American picked up just one piece of paper
every day and put it in the trash."
--Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nadine confided to Jill, "My cooking left my husband
cold."

"He divorced you because of your cooking?"  Jill
asked.

"No," Nadine replied, "he died."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nadine:  I've discovered the origin of the word
"good-bye."

Jill:  Oh, yeah?  What is it?

Nadine:  Many years ago, some husband said to his
wife, "I'm leaving you!"  The wife said, "Good!  Bye!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months
of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly.
How old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's
written down here that you were born in August 1940 and
that means you're almost 65."
"But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the
last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we
were first married, I would come home from the office, my
wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would
run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around
barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting
the same service."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his
newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the
boy, and the father replies "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's
a currency.

Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my
first two sons Mark and Frank!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waiter (calling after departing diner) Hey! What about a tip?
Diner: Oh, yes, I forgot.... Don't ever eat here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Captain: Private, there's a squad of enemy soldiers hiding in
that stand of trees. I want you to go in there and flush them out.

Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out
of the woods, don't shoot the one in front!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watching TV news shows I found out our highways
aren't safe, our schools aren't safe, our parks aren't safe
but under our arms we have complete protection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some words we might be in need of.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that
ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no
regrets.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn
away from extensive use.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my five-year-old son and I were headed to
McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.  Usually
when we see something terrible like that, we say a
prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and
said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance
to McDonald's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Car Names Explained"  (an oldie)

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap,
Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap, Every
Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle
Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Found On Russian Dump

GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake

GMC - Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
Late Everywhere Over-priced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made of Buick's
Irregular Leftover Equipment.

Pinto - Put In New Transmission Often.

PONTIAC - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It's A Cadillac

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Over-price This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehichles of Low Velocity Owners

VW - Virtually Worthless

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
A truck hauling hotdogs and baloney hit a barricade and careened
out of control Tuesday on a New York highway, causing its trailer
to catch fire.

The 2 a.m crash closed the eastbound interstate for several hours,
spilled several gallons of diesel fuel, roasted weenies and other
meat strewn across the road.

Police said the driver lost control after spilling coffee on
his lap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HERE'S YOUR SIGN

In Charlottesburg, Va., Raymond Caldwell walked into a jewelry store on
Valentine's Day and asked to look at a couple of diamond rings. While
the clerk was getting them, Caldwell stuffed an engage-ment ring and two
wedding bands into his pocket and ran from the store. He then went home,
gave the rings to his girlfriend and proposed to her. When she found the
rings didn't fit, Caldwell told her to take them back to the store to
have them sized. She did, and after the clerk recognized the rings,
police were called.
HERE'S YOUR SIGN
 
In Moorhead, Minn., a man with a license plate that reads "TIPSY" was
arrested for DUI, while in Hong Kong, Ho Heng-chau, 20, was found guilty
of drug possession on a day when he chose to show up in court wearing a
T-shirt that read "COCAINE" across the front.
HERE'S YOUR SIGNS 

It's the Donut Shop- Stupid
A Marathon, Fla., man, arrested following a fight at a local bar, told
the arresting officer that if he drove him to McDonald's he would buy
him two cheeseburgers in exchange for his release. He's now charged with
trying to bribe a police officer
HERE'S YOUR SIGN

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

UNC Student: My doctor is really nice to me.

Roommate: Oh yeah? How nice is he?

UNC Student: Well, for starters, when he treated me for double
pneumonia, he only billed me for one pnuemonia!

~&~

Dreamsicle Cheesecake

1 Graham Cracker Pie Crust
16 oz Cream Cheese
6 oz can of frozen Orange Juice
1 Can Sweetened Condensed Milk
10 Oz of Whipped Cream (Cool Whip)

Mix softened Cream Cheese, Sweetened Milk, and Orange Juice with
mixer. Fold in Whipped Cream. Pour into crust and chill 1 hour.