THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Be nice to people until you make a million;
after that, people will be nice to you.

My husband stopped to pick our daughter up from preschool. Just as he turned off the engine, the horn started to sound, and it didn't stop. Roger got out and lifted the hood. As he was leaning over the engine, frantically searching for the means to disconnect the blaring horn, a young mother tapped him on the shoulder. At first he couldn't make out what she was saying, until she shouted, "You have to go in and get them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but
he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they
run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just
stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to
your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when
people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would
have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the
farmer."Here," he said, "is the check for $900.
It's postdated six years from now...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive -
wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a
policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop
asked."My wife." said the man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly
the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the
radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.  Ground
control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry,
madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.  First I need you to
give me your height and position"

"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a
kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was
undoubtedly a coward.  When a bull charged towards them one day,
he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the blind farmer in
the back.

The farmer turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and
threw him to the ground with a thump that left it breathless.

"Goodness!" said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."

"I owe it all to faith," said the blind farmer.  "And if I could
have got that fella off the handlebars of his bike, I'd have
thrashed him good and properly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its
toll in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a
Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he
sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would
it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman
replied, "Probably a crowbar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter's eighth-grade history class planned a visit to our nation's capital. Unfortunately, she was not greatly enthusiastic about a trip that she considered too "educational" to be fun.

However, on their return, I was pleased to hear how she and her classmates had been filled with awe and emotion as they gazed at the Washington Monument.

"Just think, Mom," she marveled. "We were standing right where Forest Gump stood."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a farmer who had many pigs.  One day someone
came to the farm and asked the farmer:

"What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that.  Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:

"Well, I feed them very well.  I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp,
steak... why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair
that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing
to eat."

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.  The
farmer,who was quite hesitant about answering this same question by
now, for fear of receiving yet another fine, replied after a few minutes
of thought. .

"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was shopping with my husband at a local supermarket
and suddenly couldn't find him.

"I've lost my husband!" I muttered slightly louder
than was necessary.

Then I heard a strange woman's voice from the next
aisle: "Some people have all the luck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q."Why is turtle wax so expensive?"

A. "Turtles have such tiny ears!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man
lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.  The
man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin.
"Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the beauty salon. 
I took a look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, at
least you tried.....'
"And then what?" asked the passerby.
"...and then it was lights out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A TEENAGER who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive
her parents to church. After a wild ride, they finally reached their
destination. The driver's mother got out of the car and said,"Thank you."

  "Anytime," her daughter replied.

  As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I
was talking to God."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Preacher Preacher
"Are there any prayer needs today?" I asked during a worship service.One
person mentioned a neighbor who was sick. Another spoke of a couple with
financial problems. A young man asked us to pray for the family of a friend's grandmother who recently died. After hearing what seemed to be all the
requests I said, "If there are no other needs then let us bow our heads
and pray."

Shortly after beginning the prayer, I felt something tugging on my pants
leg and at the same time heard a loud whisper: "Preacher.Preacher.
"I 'needs' something too!"

Still speaking, I slightly opened one eye and took a peek. A little
boy was on his hands and knees below me, tugging on my pants
leg as hard as he could and earnestly whispering: "Preacher,
I 'needs' something too!"

The choir members behind were beginning to lose their composure
and I could hear giggling in the background as the boy continued
tugging on my pants and was by now speaking loudly: "Preacher,
I 'needs' something!"

"Oh no!" I thought to myself. "In my arrogance and pride, had I
ignored the needs of a small child? Maybe he knew of someone
who was ill that we needed to include?" Feeling guilty and ashamed,
I stopped the prayer and gently asked the young boy: "Yes son,
what do you need?"

"Preacher, I 'needs' to go to the bathroom!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his new
house.
The bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls and his
wife preferred not to look at herself in such a
compromising position.  She even went so far as to
place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view.

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with
mirrored walls in the bathroom.  I told my uncle:
"You should be able to sit and reflect"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Running late for a job interview at a large men's fashion company,
I grabbed a white dress shirt that I didn't have time to iron.

The interview went well until the end. "Just a word of advice," said my interviewer.
"You might want to iron your shirt before your next job interview."

I held up the back of my shirt collar, revealing the tag. On it was the name
of that very clothing company and the words "wrinkle- free." I got the job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The company president called a meeting of the entire
office staff.

When all had assembled and come to order, he opened
with, "Is there any new business?"

The vice-president sobbed, "My wife is leaving me for
my former best friend."

The office manager wailed, "My husband took all our
money and ran off with the baby sitter!"

The personnel director cried, "I'm going to have to
file bankruptcy!"

An office clerk moaned, "My wife wants to have a
seventh baby!"

The company president rolled his eyes and said, "What
I MEANT was, 'Is there any new business concerning
THIS business!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a dinner party to introduce the new Administrator of the State
Highway,everybody's new boss went on and on extolling his own virtues,
forward-thinking, the modernization he'd put in place, the downsizing,
equipment upgrades, roadway improvements he had both instituted and
planned for the future while he was with the Pennsylvania Dept of
Transportation.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he opened the floor for
questions.

"Sir," said a voice from the back of the room, "perhaps you'd also tell
us why they fired you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Adam: Do you really love me?

A. Eve: There's no one but you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The single Mother had married a Jewish man.  She had agreed
to let her son decide which faith to embrace. As both Christmas and
Hanukkah
neared, they agreed to decorate the house in the traditions of each
faith.
The woman and her son decorated the Christmas tree and placed all of the
other decorations around the house.

When they were finished, the husband got out his Menorah and placed it
on
the mantle.

The wife said, "That's it???  Aren't we going to go chop
down a Hanukkah tree and decorate it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DONALD: Marry me, darling. I know I haven't got buckets
of money like my friend Dan, or a hot film career like Dan,
or Dan's good looks, youth, terrific sense of humor,
or muscles, but I'm loyal and true and I love you.

DAISY: I love you too, honey.... but first,
tell me more about Dan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons.  The
first said, "My Patrick is such a saint.  He works hard,
doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman
in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself.
Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three
years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first Irish mother said.  "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied.  "And when he's paroled
next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are the President of the United States.
Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed toward
the Earth. They have calculated that it will strike France
in two days at approximately 2:30 A.M.
The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from
the face of the Earth forever. France and the UN have
requested that the US send all available ships and aircraft
to help evacuate the country.
Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many
that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late the
night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it
and watch it in the morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment
for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver.
"It was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman at the
counter.  "She's buying it for me as a gift."

"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order.
"My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They went over to the starter's booth to see how long the wait was
before they could get out and play a round.

One of the men went up to the person in charge and asked how long it
would be to get a round going on the course.

"That's going to be a problem today, sir," the starter told him. "We're
all booked up for the entire day."

"There's nothing available at all?" asked the man.

"I'm very sorry, sir," he replied. "Nothing all day."

"Just out of curiousity," said the man, "let me ask you something. If
Nick Price, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els showed up
here right now,do you think you'd be able to get them out on
the course right away?"

"I'm sure I would, sir," said the starter.

"Well fine then," said the man. "Seeing as they're all playing on the
Tour this week, we'll just take their spots."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Yeah,And most'em live right here in Carlisle
Jb 

 **** TODAY'S MUSIC ARTIST ****
LORETTA LYNN
on CMT

Loretta Lynn Uncut: 60 Minutes Special 

       **** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****        

Chicken Fried Steak

2/3 cup flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
2 pounds top round steak, tenderized, about 1/2-inch thick
2 eggs
2 tablespoons cream
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 cups saltine cracker crumbs, rolled fine
1 onion, sliced
1/2 cup cream
2 cups chicken broth

Mix 1/2 cup of flour with the salt and pepper. Pound the mixture into
both sides of the meat with the edge of a heavy plate or mallet. Cut
the meat into serving-size pieces. Beat the eggs together with the 2
tablespoons of cream. Heat the oil in a heavy iron skillet over
moderately high heat. Reserve 3 tablespoons of the flour. Dredge the
steaks in the remainder of the flour, dip in the egg mixture, and
then into the cracker crumbs. Add to the hot oil. Brown the steaks
well, turn and brown the other side. Reduce heat to medium, cover the
skillet, and cook for 15 to 20 minutes, turning occasionally, until
the steaks are cooked through and tender. Chicken-fried steak should
be well done, but not dry. Remove the steaks from the pan, and drain
on brown paper bags. Keep warm. Add the onion slices to the pan and
saut?© quickly. Remove.

Pour off all but 3 tablespoons of the fat in the skillet, and stir in
3 tablespoons of the flour. Stir well to loosen and incorporate any
particles in the bottom of the pan and cook for 1-to-2 minutes. Stir
in the 1/2 cup of cream, then the chicken stock. Season with
Worcestershire and hot sauce. Top the meat with the gravy.
Serve with mashed potatoes, greens, and biscuits.
~&~

Coconut Cream Cake
1 White or Yellow cake mix
1 can cream of coconut
1 can Eagle Brand mix

Bake cake as directed in 9 x 13 - inch pan. When done
punch holes in it while hot and pour coconut and milk
mixture over the cake. when cool, add Cool whip and
flake coconut on top. Refrigerate

A man's life is spent between episodes of women
being mad at him.

TOON TIME