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The Almost Daily
Funnies
WEDNESDAY
APRIL 13,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
One advantage of
talking to yourself is you know
at least somebody is
listening.
Working in a factory with
family member can have some comical moments
especially when your daughter is
on the same shift. The other day the
daughter yelled at me as I drove by on
the forklift and I pulled over
and stopped . She said, " Dad, I have a
problem." This usually means ,"
Will you bring me back lunch when you get
off" or " Can you pick me up
after work?', but tonight was a technical
problem. "My clasp broke on my
bra and I stapled it together but I don't
think its going to hold , What
do you have that will work?" Women have
accused men for years of having
invented the bra but I had no part in that
engineering feat. My first
thought was a standard male solution to anything
that moves and
shouldn't but I quickly rejected the duct tape solution and
along the
same thought line plastic stretch wrap. It did have me
stymied for a
moment till I spotted a package of wire ties. Also known as
zip-strips
they have been popular for years with the police departments
as
emergency hand cuffs because of their strength. I gave the
daughter
several and a razor knife and after several minutes in the ladies
room
she was able to go back to work feeling more secure. Zip-strips ,
the
latest addition to the jury-riggers tool
cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The blind man, deaf man and
the lame man went on
a pilgrimage to a healing spring The blind man
washed
his eyes with water from the spring and
exclaimed "I can see! I can
see!"
The deaf man washed his ears with the spring
water and exclaimed
"I can hear! I can hear!'
The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the
water
and the other side out "I got new
tyres!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde woman was speeding down the
road in her little red sports car
andwas pulled over by a
woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
license. She dug
through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has
your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her
purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a
cop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO THE WRONG TAX
SERVICE
10. You notice that in their appointment book your name is
spelled "Boat Payment."
9. IRS auditors have their own parking
spot.
8. You overhear the preparer muttering, "What would Kenneth Lay
do?"
7. Their corporate motto? "Never Convicted!"
6. Your preparer
is calculating your return by counting on his fingers and
stamping his
foot.
5. A federal agent approaches you in the parking lot and asks if
you wouldn't mind wearing a wire.
4. You notice your preparer's laptop
computer is an Etch-A-Sketch?®.
3. There's an autographed portrait of
Morley Safer in the lobby.
2. The candy dish on the desk is stocked with
sedatives.
1. They can change your muffler at the same
time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gone
Fishing
To be successful at fishing you should get there
yesterday, when the fish were biting!
Fisherman: A sportsman who first
lies in wait for a fish, and then lies in weight after catching
it!
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught!
Then
there are those times when you can swear you've got a fish, but all you've
caught is weeds!
Fishing stimulates the brain - also, The
imagination.
The typical fisherman is long on optimism and short on
memory.
How come the fish never brag about the size of the man he got
away from?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why is divorce so
expensive?
A. Because it's worth
it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BILL: I'm going to marry
a widow.
PHIL: I wouldn't want to be the second husband of a
widow.
BILL: Better the second than the
first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was furious when
his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say
'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I
hardly ever get a compliment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a
husband was chiding his beautiful blond wife about leaving her
keys in the
ignaition of her car.
"But if I take them out of the car, I lose
them!"
"Yes, dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband
countered.
"Oh, that's okay," the wife chirps happily, "I keep a spare
key in the
glove compartment!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A certain lawyer
was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he
retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would
invite a different friend of his (no, that's
not the punch line) to spend a
week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of
Maine. On one particular
occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
stay with him. The
friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a
splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great
outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian
companion went out to pick berries for their morning
breakfast. As they
went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries
and raspberries in
tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male
and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him
and
swallowed him whole. He lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into
town
as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The
sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!"
cried
the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from
his
friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The
sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
his
gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that
for!"
exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly,"
replied
the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the
Czech
was in the Male?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope met with his
Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon,
the Prime Minister of
Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Sharon
wants
to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and
ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope
thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club
in his
hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None
that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there
is a man
named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can
offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.
Sharon as your
personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of cooperation,
we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call
was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after
the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said
Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the
Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My
drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and
my
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus
sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven
strokes...."
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.
D.V.M. ****
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks
him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the
doctor used
in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the
nurse.
"OOPS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor, what
shall I take when I am run down?"
Doctor, "The license
number."
**** ON THIS DAY ****
Think About this One!
A car
company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free
market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese subcontractor and
claim it's
a free market.
A major bank can incorporate
in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's
a free market.
We can
buy HP Printers made in Mexico We can buy shirts made in
Bangladesh.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20 different
countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy
their prescription drugs
from a Canadian pharmacy. That's
called un-American! And you think
the pharmaceutical companies
don't have a powerful lobby? Think
again!
Please
forward this to every person you know over age 50. It is an
interesting point of view. Maybe this is an issue that should come up
in the next
election!
~~~~Goofproof~~~~
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Rednecks,
whiskey and thoughts about cheating were popular themes Monday night (April 11)
as Gretchen Wilson, Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss emerged among the winners at
the 2005 CMT Music Awards in Nashville.
Wilson added to her
status as country
music's hottest newcomer after winning two awards -- breakthrough video for
"Redneck Woman" and female video for "When I Think About Cheatin'."
"I
can't even express to you how much it means to me that this is
fan-voted,
that you guys are so involved in this," Wilson said in accepting
the breakthrough video honor. In returning to the stage to pick up her female
video trophy, she added, "I want to say thank you again to the fans for
believing in me and for making this one of the most incredible years of my life.
Thank you, Miss Reba McEntire for being an incredible inspiration to me, and
also [thanks to] Martina McBride. I can't even believe I'm in the same category
with these ladies, but thank you so much for this. It means the world to
me."
Paisley and Krauss shared the collaborative video prize for "Whiskey
Lullaby,"
and the video clip also resulted in a video director of the year
award for actor-director Rick Schroder.
"Thanks to the fans who voted for
this," Paisley told the crowd. "It's always better to win one from you guys.
Second of all, thank you, Rick Schroder for the best dang video you could have
ever done." Noting that Krauss was unable to attend the awards show, Paisley
said, "If I ever get to heaven and the angels sound anything less than her, I'm
going to be very disappointed. That's the best singer I can imagine singing
with." Paisley also took the time to thank his recording engineer, Brandon
Donald Wilson.
Keith Urban's "Days Go By" became the winner of the video
of the year honor through voting during the awards show at
CMT.com.
"Thank you ... to everybody who voted," Urban said. "I really,
really appreciate this award more than you know. ... I just really enjoyed
making this video."
Country superstars Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith also
added to their trophy collections.
"This song was written about my life
and about how I lived it growing up," Chesney said in accepting the male video
award for "I Go Back." He added, "I want to thank [video director] Shaun Silva
and [cinematographer] Steve Gainer and all the guys for bringing ... it to life.
... And to all those fans out there that give me and the guys out there on the
road one incredible life."
In accepting the hottest video award for
"Whiskey Girl," Keith told the fans, "CMT has the most kick-ass awards show on
TV. ... And I'll tell you why: They let you people do the voting. When the fans
get to vote, nobody will be bitchin' tomorrow because it don't matter if it
don't matter to you guys."
Tim McGraw was not present to accept his award
after "Live Like You Were Dying" was announced the winner in the most inspiring
video category. Video director Sherman Halsey,
who accepted on his behalf,
explained that McGraw is currently shooting a movie in Los Angeles. Rascal
Flatts were not around, either, when they won the group/duo award for "Feels
Like Today."
Country Music Hall of Fame member Loretta Lynn accepted the
most enduring honor of the night -- the CMT Johnny Cash Visionary Award -- for
her career achievements. Reba McEntire, Martina McBride and Wilson presented the
award following a video segment that included comments from Elvis Costello,
actress Sissy Spacek and others.
"Reba, I love you, honey," Lynn said.
"The day I seen Gretchen come out and do 'Redneck Woman,' I said, 'There's a
smash. She's the next girl singer.' ... And Martina's gonna have a little girl,
and she's gonna name it after me. I'm only kidding. I don't think she's gonna
name it after me. She wouldn't want it to be that mean." Lynn added, "I want to
thank you all and say how much I appreciate this award. I really
do."
With Kenny Chesney opening the show with "Keg in the Closet," other
musical highlights of the awards show included performances by McEntire, Urban,
Alan Jackson and Big & Rich. Out of the spotlight for quite some time,
Trisha Yearwood returned in a surprise guest appearance to sing "Georgia Rain,"
a song from her upcoming and long-awaited new album.
Wilson teamed up
with Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart to deliver a rousing version of the rock
band's classic, "Crazy on You." One of the most surprising and entertaining
moments came when actor Jeff Daniels walked onstage with a guitar and displayed
some rather impressive finger-picking as he performed a talking blues song that
managed to list the title of just about every prominent country video from the
past 12 months.
The spirit of the late Waylon Jennings was undeniably
present throughout several segments of the awards show. Aside from his recording
of "Theme From The Dukes of Hazzard (Good Ol' Boys)" playing while
original members of the Dukes TV cast reunited onstage, Jennings son,
Shooter, was there to present an award with his girlfriend, actress Drea de
Matteo. However, his strongest influence perhaps was found in two of the musical
performances -- Keith's "Honkytonk U" and Dierks Bentley's "Lot of Leavin' Left
to Do." In both instances, Jennings' trademark driving rhythm was in full
force.
The show, telecast live from the Gaylord Entertainment Center, was
hosted by comic Jeff Foxworthy, who took a good-natured jab after pointing out
that the presentation has a lengthy history, including its most recent
incarnation as the Flame Worthy awards.
"This thing changes names more
often than a redneck trying to avoid a record club," Foxworthy
quipped.
Throughout the evening, Foxworthy offered his observations on
country artists and the state of country music, in general.
"Big &
Rich exploded on the scene this year doing it the old fashioned, time-tested,
traditional country way of using rapping cowboys and two-foot dwarfs in top
hats," he said. "Of course, it's gonna work like that. How do you think Haggard
got started?
"A lot of folks might be surprised, but I, myself, am a big
fan of rap. I listen to a lot of rap -- usually at red lights and stop signs.
I've never heard an entire song, but I like music's that so loud it rattles my
fillings and causes temporary loss of bladder control."
CMT Video Music Awards were held last night. Below
you will find the winners of the awards. Loretta Lynn faced an arena-wide
standing ovation as she accepted the Johnny Cash Visionary Award from presenters
and admirers Gretchen Wilson, Martina McBride and Reba McEntire. Lynn was also
honored by friends and family in a moving pre-taped tribute, featuring Elvis
Costello, Crystal Gayle, Faith Hill, Sissy Spacek, Keith Urban and
Wynonna.
-
Breakthrough Video Of The
Year
Gretchen Wilson - "Redneck Woman"
-
Collaborative Video Of The
Year
Brad Paisley featuring Alison Krauss - "Whiskey Lullaby"
-
Female Video Of The Year
Gretchen
Wilson - "When I Think About Cheatin'."
Group/Duo award
Rascal
Flatts - "Feels Like Today"
-
Most Inspiring Video Of The
Year
Tim McGraw - "Live Like You Were Dying"
-
Hottest Video Of The Year
Toby
Keith - "Whiskey Girl"
-
Male Video Of The Year
Kenny
Chesney - "I Go Back"
-
Video Director Of The Year
Rick
Schroder - Brad Paisley featuring Alison Krauss - "Whiskey
-
Video Of The Year
Keith Urban -
"Days Go By"
**** TODAY'S SPECIAL
****
Beef Enchiladas
Ole
Prep Time: 20 min
Total Time: 26 min
Makes: 6
servings, 2 enchiladas each
1 lb. ground beef
1/2 lb. (8 oz.)
VELVEETA Mexican Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product with Jalapeno Peppers, cut
up, divided
1 cup TACO BELL HOME ORIGINALS Thick 'N Chunky Salsa,
divided
12 flour tortillas
BROWN meat in large skillet; drain. Add
half of the process cheese product and 1/2 cup of the salsa; cook until process
cheese product is completely melted,
stirring occasionally.
SPOON
slightly less than 1/4 cup of the meat mixture down the center of each tortilla;
roll up. Place tortillas, seam sides down, in microwavable baking
dish. Top
with remaining 1/2 cup salsa and process cheese product; cover.
MICROWAVE
on HIGH 4 to 6 minutes or until process cheese product is
melted.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
When was the Loch Ness Monster first
sighted?
Nessie, that infamous serpentine monster that calls Scotland home, has
reportedly been stirring up both controversy and the murky waters of Loch Ness
since at least the sixth century A.D. The very first tale recounting a sighting
of the beast was penned in 565 A.D. In the story, Saint Columba saves a swimmer
from a mysterious lake monster, although even the Catholic Church has its doubts
as to the veracity of the tale. Stone carvings from the area dating back about
1,500 years depict an unknown creature. And in 1868, a local newspaper reported
a strange and mysterious fish, saying "neither the name or the species of the
strange visitor could be satisfactorily explained."
However, what is
considered to be the first modern Nessie sighting occurred on July 22, 1933, by
one Mr. Spicer and his wife. Driving down the recently opened road that circled
Loch Ness, the couple spotted a large animal crossing the road in front of them.
In a letter, Mr. Spicer had this to say about the encounter:
Whatever it
is, and it may be a land and water animal, I think it should be destroyed, as I
am not sure whether I had been quite so close to it I should have cared to
tackle it. It is difficult to give you a better description, as it moved so
swiftly, and the whole thing was so sudden. There is no doubt it exists. Many
skeptics of the day felt otherwise, writing off the beast as nothing more than
an otter. To be sure, Mr. Spicer's story had some serious credibility issues, as
the size of the monster changed considerably from retelling to
retelling.
The very first photo of Nessie was taken in April of 1934 by
Hugh Gray. The photo supposedly showed a long-necked monster parting the waters
of the lake, but many are convinced it's simply a blurry shot of a dog with a
stick in his mouth.
Since that time, numerous stories and photos have
emerged, claiming to document sightings of the mysterious creature, but they
have all been subject to intense speculation and skepticism.
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER
****
Weather Summary:
A slow moving storm system
south of here is bringing rain and some
storms for Tuesday night. The
showers will linger into Wednesday but
will taper off from the north to the
south as the day wears on. The rest
of the forecast looks great from
Thursday through early next week with
sunshine and mild
temperatures.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
A storm is
considered "severe" if it produces winds at or above 58 mph
or hail 3/4" in
diameter or larger.
Tuesday Night
Showers / T-Storms
Low 48
Wednesday
Showers Ending
High 58
Wednesday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 38
Thursday
Mostly Sunny
High 65
Low
38
Friday
Mostly Sunny
High 66
Low 40
Saturday
Mostly Sunny
High 68
Low 45
Sunday
Partly Sunny
High
70
Low 45
Monday
Partly Sunny
High 72
Low 48
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 72
Low 52
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"I never knew what real
happiness was
until I got married...and then it was too
late."
TOON TIME
Off The Mark
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32012.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32012.htm
"> Here!</a>
Bug B Gone
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32011.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32011.htm
"> Here!</a>
BMW
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32010.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32010.htm
"> Here!</a>
PC Problems...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/019.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/019.htm">
Here </a>
Virus In The Stoneage...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/038.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/038.htm">
Here </a>
Signs that make sense? ?Esne ekam taht
sngiS
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny394.html
<a
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny394.html">Here!</a>
Pinch
A Loaf
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32009.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32009.htm
"> Here!</a>
Billboard
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32008.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32008.htm
"> Here!</a>
Admit It
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32007.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32007.htm
"> Here!</a>
Now we know what they do all
day!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny395.html
<a
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny395.html">Here!</a>
Island
Transport Infrastructure...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/018.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/018.htm">
Here </a>
RAM In The Stoneage...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/037.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/037.htm">
Here </a>
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
At the construction site of a new church, the
contractor stopped to chat
with one of his workmen.
"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a
brother
who was a bishop?"
"That I did, sir."
"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in
life
aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they
ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the
mortar along the line of
bricks. "Me poor brother couldn't do this to
save his
life!"
Man is incomplete until he
is married. Then he is finished.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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