THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking
the keys in the plane.They caught me on a 20-foot extension
ladder with a coathanger. - Steven Wright

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These are actual dating ads from across America.

Women Seeking Men
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway.  I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane.  Way too much time on your hands too?  Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
~
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad.  My neck is all yours.
~
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old,
6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced.  Others feel free.
~
Men Seeking Women
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks. Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out.  Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.
~
Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to
16 digits.  Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.
...and we wonder why we've got relationship problems.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His
synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss
a single one of his words.
One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a
nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he
asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the
Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too
decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record
the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to
football.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue
recording the Rabbi's sermon. The
Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a
non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape
recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews
in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep in mind . . . to a dog you are family, to a cat you are staff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I
teach.
"Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pant pocket and jangling change
as he speaks, which is very distracting.
To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need
a man with coins in his pocket."
What I got was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUICKIES
I knew an actor's wife who marked all the towel sets "Ham" and "Her"
~
As costs become higher, the dinner meat at our house is named "roast brief."
~
Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all
the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the
way his mother cooked.
~
Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of
his beloved truck in his locker.

Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they
often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.

"Laugh all you want," Don told them. . . .

       "At least my truck will still be there when I get home."
~
A man goes into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders five pints of
ale. The bartender gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself.
But, he goes ahead and serves up the five pints and lines them up on the
bar. The man downs thenm..... One, Two, Three, Four, Five.

He finishes the last one and calls to the barman,

"Four pints, please, mate!"

The bartender serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The man
downs them...... One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways
slightly on the stool, and promptly orders three more pints.

And one after the other, he knocks them back...... One, Two, Three.

"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the bartender places two pints in front
of him. Down they go..... One, Two. Ahhhh!

As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says,

"On pint, mate!"

So, the bartender fills the glass.

The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he
looks at the bartender and says,

     "Y'know, 'ish a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I
get....."
~
My stylish, younger sister-in-law was looking on her upcoming tenth-anniversary cruise to the Caribbean with mixed feelings. The thought of all those sumptuous buffets and irresistible desserts might prove too tempting. However, my more down-to-earth husband was able to provide a different perspective. He told her that if they hit rough seas, she might just have her cake and heave it too!
~
Q.  What part of your body is the noisiest?

A.  Your ear drum!
~
"Do you remember first meeting your wife?" asks Ed.

"Sure," says Jim. "I found her lying face down in the gutter. I lifted
her up to her feet & promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she
would begin a new life & I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

"Wow! I hope she appreciates what you did for her!"

    "Not really. She hated to give up bowling!"
~
There's nothing wrong with most teenagers that trying to
reason with them won't aggravate.
~
I went out to tag a newborn calf on our ranch, and my five-year- old daughter, Stephanie, accompanied me. As I pierced the calf's ear tissue, it jerked its head and I punctured my knee. I painfully stood up and started limping towards the house.

"What's wrong with your leg, Mom?" asked Stephanie.

"I stabbed my knee with the tagger."

"Wow!" she exclaimed.

"What number did you get?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde, by any chance?
Strangely, it was only on the weekends that the water suddenly ran cold in my morning shower. I soon discovered, however, that my wife of just a few short months chose the same time to run the dishwasher. I explained to her what happened to the water temperature when both ran at the same time and asked if she'd delay washing the dishes until I was finished. She agreed. The following weekend the water turned cold on me again. When I went down to the kitchen, I discovered my wife was true to her word. She hadn't turned on the dishwasher-but just then she emerged from the basement, where she had put a load of clothes in the washing machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches
TV all day & his 3 teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang
around with the local toughs.  He applies for a janitor's job at a large
firm & easily passes an aptitude test.The human resources manager tells
him,

"You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour.  Let me have your
e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will
automatically e-mail you all the forms & advise you when to start &
where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor & has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address.  To this the manager replies,

"You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you
virtually do no exist.  Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect
to be employed by a high-tech firm.  Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn & only having $10 in
his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market & sees a stand selling 25 lb
crates of beautiful red tomatoes.  He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner & displays the tomatoes.

In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes & makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with
almost $100 & arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for
his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day & working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the 2nd week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup
truck.

At the end of a year he owns 3 old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, & his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the 2nd year he has 12 very nice used trucks & employs 15
previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work
hard.

Time passes & at the end of the 5th year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
& a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus 2 tomato farms that the
boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
&jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed
a million dollars!

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address
in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer &
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,

"What, you don't have e -mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think
where you would be today if you'd had all of that 5 years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man.  "If I'd had e-mail 5 years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft & making just $5.15 an hour."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security".

For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure".
~~~~~~~~~~~
When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the
local hardware to find the part.

 Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store
was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in.

He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples.
She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of
fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he
stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the
counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the
wide-eyed woman working there,

"My refrigerator doesn't work."

She replied, simply,

     "I don't doubt it for a second."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't always wear my clerical collar as an Anglican priest, but on this particular day I did. In the afternoon I realized that I had to take my young son to an optometrist's appointment and went over to his school. Edward had been playing soccer and was covered in dirt, but since there was no time to change, we went directly to the optometrist's office.

I was a bit uncomfortable about Edward's appearance as we walked hand in hand, and my discomfort must have been obvious, for the optometrist greeted us with, "Don't worry, Father, it's just another case of uncleanliness next to godliness."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       There was this little guy sitting in  a bar, drinking his beer,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes
in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
     The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
     The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and
starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude
knocks him down AGAIN.
     This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
     So the little guy has had enough of this.. He gets up, brushes
himself off and quietly leaves.
     The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without
saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks
the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
     The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up,
tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.




**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
 Some West Virginia lawmakers are feeling a little duped.  Just a few
short days ago, they figured out they had inadvertently voted to make
English the official language of the state.  The Senate majority whip
had inserted the amendment into a seemingly innocent bill dealing with
the number of members that cities can appoint to parks and recreation
boards, explaining it away as clarifying ???the way in which documents are
produced.???  Some lawmakers are not happy about it, either.  What??™s the
problem?  Is English not the official language of the country?  I??™m just
waiting for a bill forcing every US citizen to become bilingual??¦ Yo
quiero Taco Bell, baby.  I??™m quite adept at sign language, too, if you
catch my drift??¦ - AP/WSBTV 

~
41 year-old Richard Brown is either sick in the head or is out to
prove that some men out there are just as dumb as blondes.  Brown has
been prosecuted for luring three men into his house last July by telling
them he was a radio station DJ, and that they could win tons of cash and
other prizes.  To win, all they had to do was strip and walk around
buck-naked performing humiliating tasks. Two of the men actually fell
for it, but the third just happened to notice the really snazzy
ELECTRONIC MONITORING BRACELET around Brown??™s ankle before falling prey.
 Apparently Brown has been in trouble for this before.  As a matter of
fact, he is facing yet ANOTHER trial for seven more counts of the same. 
Hey??¦ maybe he can be cell roomies with Michael Jackson??¦ - Fox News, 1st Story
HERE'S YOUR SIGN
STUPID

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

Rhubarb Berry Delight

4 cups diced rhubarb
2 cups fresh or frozen strawberries
1-1/2 cups sugar, divided
1 package (6 oz.) raspberry-flavored galatin
2 cups boiling water
1 cup milk
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 cup cold water
1-1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups (16 ozs.) sour cream

In a saucepan, cook rhubarb, strawberries and 1 cup sugar until fruit is
tender.
In a large bowl, dissolve raspberry gelatin in boiling water. Stir in fruit;
set aside.
In another pan, heat milk and remaining sugar over low heat until sugar is
dissolved. Meanwhile, soften unflavored gelatin in cold water. Add to hot milk
mixture and stir until gelatin dissolves. Remove from the heat; add vanilla.
Cool to luke warm; blend in sour cream. Set aside at room temperature.
Pour a third of the fruit mixture into a 3-quart bowl; chill until almost set.
Repeat layers twice, chilling between layers if necessary. Refrigerate until
firm, at least 3 hours.
Yield: 12 servings.
Source: Taste of Home
~&~

BABY BACK RIBS

4 racks pork baby back ribs, each about 1 pound
12 whole black peppercorns
2 bay leaves
10 whole star anise
2 cinnamon sticks, each 3 inches long
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 12 ounce jar plum jam
1 tablespoon grated, peeled gingerroot
1 garlic clove, crushed with garlic press

In 8 quart saucepot, heat ribs, peppercorns, bay leaves, 4 star anise, 1 cinnamon stick and enough water to cover to boiling over high heat. Reduce heat to low; cover and simmer 50 minutes to 1 hour until ribs are fork tender. Remove ribs to platter. If not serving right away, cover and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Prepare glaze: In 1 quart saucepan, heat soy sauce, remaining star anise and cinnamon stick to boiling over high heat. Reduce heat to low; cover and simmer 5 minutes. Remove from heat; let stand, covered, 5 minutes. Strain mixture into bowl; discard star anise and cinnamon. Stir in plum jam, grated ginger, and garlic.

Place ribs on grill over medium heat. Cook 10 minutes, turning once, until browned. Brush ribs with some glaze and cook 5 to 10 minutes, brushing with remaining glaze and turning frequently.

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too
much fraternizing with the enemy." (Henry Kissinger)

TOON TIME