From Carlisle,Indiana
Welcome to
The Almost Daily Funnies

SATURDAY APRIL 16,2005

THOUGHT FOR TODAY
"Good things come to those who wait, but only the things left over by
those who hustle."- Abraham Lincoln


Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz Rent-a-Camel. Out
in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down.  The chaps
could not get it to arise no matter what they tried.
        They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out
a camel mechanic when they got to the nearest village.
        A few hours later the Mechanic arrived.  He looked in the
Camel's mouth, ears, and up its rectum.  He went to his tool bag and
pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer.  He raised this high in
the air and brought it down on the Camel's belly, as hard as he could.
        Well, that camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away
as
17 sand dunes.  It then struggled to its feet.    "Ah ha!" the Mechanic
said.  "Just as I thought! vapor locked!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse
of some National Dog Show event as I flipped
through the channels.

The dog on the screen at the time was a white
English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur
with four legs. The judge was brushing back the
dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes.

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog
has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're t
he right shape, color, etc., etc.

Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the
judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes.
'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only
see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong
end of the dog."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde named Gail is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with
Regis Philbin.

Regis:  "Gail, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left:  phone a
friend.  If you get it right, the next question is

worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to
$32,000. Are you ready?"

Gail:  "Yes."

Regis:  "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?  Is
It:
A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Gail:  "I'd like to phone a friend.  I'd like to call Anne."  Anne (also
a
blonde) answers the phone:  "Hello?"

Regis:  "Hello Anne, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have your friend Gail here who needs your help to answer
the one million dollar question.  The next voice you hear will be
Gail..."

Gail:  "Anne, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is
it:  A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Anne:  "Good grief, Gail, that's simple.  It's a cuckoo."

Gail:  "Are you sure?"

Anne:  "I'm sure."

Regis:  "Gail, you heard Anne.  Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the
million?"

Gail:  "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis:  "Is that your final answer?"

Gail:  "Yes."

Regis:  "Are you confident?"

Gail:  "Yes; I think Anne's pretty smart."

Regis:  "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right!  Congratulations, you
have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Gail flies Anne to New York.  That night they go out on
the town.  As they're sipping champagne, Gail looks at Anne and asks
her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not
build its own nest?"

Anne answers, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah
(four)  and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a
neighborhood looking for houses for sale.     After a bit Sarah
asked,  "Daddy, what are we doing?"
        My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
         Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"
      Dad replied "Maybe."
      Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it
HOME?!"
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a short time one day, my son, Paul, was left alone to manage his own and the adjoining departments at the store. It was very busy, and several customers needed help. Paul resorted to telling each person that he'd be with him as soon as possible and in what order that would be. He returned to help the first customer, leaving four others to await their turn, when suddenly the phone rang. He tried to ignore it, but eventually excused himself and answered it.

The woman at the other end wanted information about vacuum cleaners. When she asked about differences in specific model numbers, he became suspicious. He looked over and saw customer No. 3 talking to him on her cellular phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oops
At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass.

The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.

Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"

"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter... "Try Brigadier General."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of baseball's greatest pitchers, Rube Waddell, was one of the game's heaviest drinkers. During a booze bout, Waddell announced that he could fly. When teammates hooted him down, Rube yanked open a hotel window and jumped out.

He survived the fall. When he sobered up, Waddell yelled at his roommate Ossie Schreck for not stopping him from pulling such a foolish stunt. "Stop you," Schreck countered. "Hell, I bet a hundred bucks you could do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my friend Danielle called to ask if my husband, an auto mechanic, would take a look at her car. She had recently had an exhaust system installed and now complained of a terrible rattle coming from the rear of the car. Stan took the car out for a drive around the block, pulled back into the driveway and got out. Then he opened the trunk and removed Danielle's golf clubs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this very
sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady, and they
danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.
They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other so
much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to get
married.

On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took
her hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went
to sleep.

On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and squeezed
her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said,
"Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stopped at a Korean owned doughnut shop one morning to get doughnuts for my employees. There were 7 of us so I asked for 13 doughnuts. The woman behind the counter said she couldn't sell me 13 because she could only fit 12 into a box of doughnuts...

I said, "that's ok...but I still want 13...put one of the doughnuts into a bag..."

To cut about a 15-minute argument short...I walked out with a box of 12 doughnuts...and a bagel...in a bag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her
down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large
aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried
past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I manage apartments and mobile homes. First time this happened, I couldn't believe it, but it's happened a good 6 or 7 times, so... there are idiots all over the place.

One day, an obviously intelligent man who put down on his application that he made $125,000 a year, looked at me and said that he would not put his checking account number on my application, because it was nobody's business.

I said okay.

He then wrote me a check for the screening fee. When he walked out, I promptly put his checking account number down on the application before I sent it through the FAX to the screening company... true story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slow joke day
When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right.

If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy.

If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write.

A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write.

His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright's right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do?

They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Retirement is also when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better.

The wife also comes up with a theory - that all pills do NOT come in bottles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a handy hint...if you ever run out of toothpaste (like I did today) you can brush your teeth with baking soda and a little hydrogen peroxide.

The only caution I would make is don't use the baking soda that's been sitting in your refrigerator for six months soaking up food odors.

I still can't get that taste out of my mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
~
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
~
FREE PUPPIES...
Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
~
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD
85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
~
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while..
better be a reward.
~
COWS: NEVER BRED..
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
~
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby
~
GEORGIA PEACHES,
California grown - 89 cents lb
~
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300
~
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephi
~
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month,
Wife knows everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this man who was about to go on a trip to England. The day
before he left, he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunne, if she
wanted anything from England. "Yes", she said. "could you please find my
son Neely. He's been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me,
ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he
never seems to be in. Anyway, here's his address." On the back of a
handy envelope she scribbled:
            Neely Dunne
            WC1
            London, England.

The next day, the man embarked on his journey.
The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane
and was walking down the corridor when he saw
a sign saying 'WC'. He entered the room, and saw
that it was a washroom.
He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door
and said:  "Are you Neely Dunne?"
"Yes, but I ran out of paper",  came the reply.
"Well, that's no excuse not to write your mother!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groaner
Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist.

He found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off
their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be
eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.

These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water,
but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This
resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.

Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a lot of money trying to
find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they
wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and
load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then
set them free.

In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a
best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It starts
out . . . "Start spreading the Gnus..."

The title of the song was, of course, . . "New Ark, New Ark."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter
recluse in Florida.  At the crossing they were stopped by an
over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work.  He commenced to
ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of
queries.

Officer: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

Wife: "What did he say?  What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

Husband: "About one month."

Wife: "What did he say?  What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

Officer: "Where are you from?"

Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

Officer: "Toronto, huh.  I was there once.  Nice city.
Had the worst date experience in my life."

Wife: "What did he say?  What did he say?"

Husband: "He says he knows you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Warning...

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens
is when you stop for a red light a young, pretty, topless woman comes
up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and
steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this!

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...

**** QUICKIES ****
My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when.
~
In one night, my neighbor's wife lost 8 pounds--someone swiped her
bowling ball.
~
It doesn't seem two weeks ago that Michael Jackson swore on the Pope's life that he was innocent...
~
Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a closet, and after several weeks of boredom, one asked the other, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?" "Got me" admitted his companion, "But if we had any guts we'd get out of here."
~
When Jack Benny was invited to perform at the White House, he showed up at the gate with his violin case under his arm. A burly guard blocked his way. Somewhat tensely, the guard asked what was in the case.

'A machine gun,' Benny said.

The guard relaxed. 'Oh, that's fine, Mr. Benny,' he said. 'Go right in.
For a moment there I was afraid it was your violin.'

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
SAULT STE. MARIE -- Sault Police have seemingly closed the books on a
Sunday morning mishap at the intersection of Maple and Ashmun which left
a 27-year-old Dafter man hospitalized.

According to witness accounts compiled during the police investigation,
D. W. Trumbley was "playing around" when he crawled out into the
intersection and laid down. A vehicle had initially been stopped for a
red light at that same intersection at approximately 3 a.m. and the
driver failed to see the prone Trumbley until it was too late, running
directly over the man.

Police noted Trumbley had a bloody nose and injured hand before he was
whisked away by Sault Ambulance to War Memorial Hospital.

Investigating at the scene, police and a preliminary breath test
confirmed the driver of the vehicle had not been drinking. There were no
arrests made in this matter and no citations are apparently forthcoming.
Yep, you guessed it
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
~
In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a
bolt of energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.  
 HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID- STUPID- STUPID
Everyone knows when it's plugged
in , you use plastic {:-)
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....
she is now a nurse currently working at the
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer
the phone and say,
Picabo, ICU.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cut Rate pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the
nearly-deaf old man the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."

Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered.

As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of
the store with his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear
and kept walking. 

When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained what had
happened.

The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register
saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Found on a health insurance claim:
What is the nature of the claim: Pregnancy
Is the claim related to your employment? Yes
What is your job? Homemaker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?,"
The doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."


"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon
not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your
leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rerun
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered,
"I'm a brunette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: "This hospital is no good. They treat us like dogs."

Orderly: "Mr. Jones, you know that's not true. Now, roll over."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Cool Links ****
Mike's Oldies
http://www.mikesoldies.com/

A Look at the Past
http://www.ohiobarns.com/index.html


At MatchingDonors
http://www.matchingdonors.com/life/index.cfm

KidsHealth - the Web's most visited
site about children's health
http://www.kidshealth.org/

Ask an Expert at Practical Pet Care
http://www.practical-pet-care.com/expert_main.php


**** ON THIS DAY ****

 
Great road trip weather      

**** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****        

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Who is D.B. Cooper, and what did he do?

 On the evening of November 24, 1971, a smartly dressed middle-aged man jumped out of a Northwest Orient Airlines jet flying over Washington state with $200,000 in cash.

D.B. Cooper boarded a flight out of Portland, Oregon, and shortly after takeoff, handed a flight attendant a polite bomb-threat note requesting the money and four parachutes. The plane landed at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, where Cooper's demands were met and the other passengers were evacuated. The plane took off again, bound for Mexico, and Cooper parachuted out along the way. He was never found, and the case remains the world's only unsolved skyjacking.

The name "D.B. Cooper" is actually a misidentification. The gentleman who stepped off the airplane at 10,000 feet bought a ticket under the name "Dan Cooper." He was mistakenly referred to as "D.B. Cooper" by an officer at a press conference, and the name stuck.

Cooper leapt out of the Boeing 727 (the only commercial airplane with a staircase in the rear) directly into American folklore. He inspired songs, books, and a 1981 film starring Robert Duvall. A massive manhunt in the woods north of Portland came up empty, although five years later a boy discovered a bag containing roughly $6,000 of Cooper's money along the banks of the Columbia River. The Mount Saint Helens eruption in 1980 covered most of Cooper's potential landing zone in ash.

Whatever happened to Cooper? He would have been exceedingly lucky to survive the jump -- the plane was traveling at 200 miles per hour in freezing rain. He would have landed in the wilderness at night, at the onset of winter, with no survival gear. But the article from U.S. News suggests that he may have wound up as an antique salesman in Florida. The case remains open.


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
Weather Factoid:
More great weather! The weekend looks great with dry weather and highs
in the mid 70`s. There will be a few more clouds on Sunday. The start of
next week still looks nice with dry weather, partly sunny skies and
highs in the low to mid 70`s. A slow moving front will edge in later
next week with a chance of wet weather by the end of the week.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
The pollen numbers will be in the HIGH category this weekend!

Friday Night
Clear and Cool
Low 42

Saturday
Mostly Sunny
High 75

Saturday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 48

Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 75
Low 48

Monday
Partly Sunny
High 76
Low 52

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 74
Low 52

Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 72
Low 55

Thursday
Showers / T-Storms
High 72
Low 55

Friday
Showers / T-Storms
High 70
Low 53


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Actually we wouldn't mind Uncle Sam's tax bite if
he didn't come back for dessert.

TOON TIME

Missing Eggs
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32030.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32030.htm ">  Here!</a>

Overeasy
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32029.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32029.htm ">  Here!</a>

Off The Mark
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32028.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32028.htm ">  Here!</a>


He needs as additude adjustment
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny541.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny541.html">Here</a>

Blonde Christmas Present
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/022.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/022.htm"> Here </a>

Duh
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32027.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32027.htm ">  Here!</a>

Value Doubled
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32025.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32025.htm ">  Here!</a>

Robin Of Spring
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32026.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32026.htm ">  Here!</a>


You could get hooked on this
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny542.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny542.html">Here</a>

Beware Of Dog
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/020.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/020.htm"> Here </a>


LAST CALL Y'ALL

The primary school teacher was preparing the class for
their annual concert.   Some children were to sing songs,
others recite poetry and some to play  musical instruments.

Little Alfie had just come down from the country and  the teacher asked
him if he would like to do some farmyard impressions.  Alfie thought
this was a great idea.

 On the night of the concert, Alfie nervously walked onto
the stage.

"Farmyard noises", he announced.
Then, cupping his hands to his mouth, he yelled at the
top of his voice, "Get off that @#$% tractor, Shut the
@#$% gate. Get that @#$% calf outa the yard.
Get off the @#$% combine! ..."



Have a great weekend Y'all
See ya Monday
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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