THOUGHTS FOR TODAY:
I've learned that when I go to sleep at night, I never regret a single moment of the time I spend with my kids & grandkids.

My family doesn't have any traditions. We just do the same
old things year after year after year.

Havin a bad day, ya think?
Well, nothin compared to this guy.
Ever heard of MURPHY'S LAW ?
Check out the Toon at The end
of The Funnies

Danny was excited to see his grandad was visiting when he arrived home from school, and immediately began to tell him about the toys in his classroom and the games he liked to play there. "But what did you learn?" his grandad asked. Danny thought for a moment and then replied, "I learned to be quiet." Then added, "Four times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groaner 
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a
truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread
some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces
together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new!

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that
white creamy stuff you used to get all the pieces back together?"

The crew chief says. . .

"Oh, that was Tollgate Booth Paste."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Devon's job was to drill out precise openings in steel plates from plywood templates prepared with labelled precut holes. One day he was given a wooden template, not in very good condition, with numerous holes and corresponding labels, but he noticed that one had been circled in red: "This is not a hole. It is a knot hole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long
day in the city.

One asked the other, "Your son go back to college
yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over.
In May, he'll be an engineer."

"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of
college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about
thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have some rich friends, but I don't hold it against
them at all. The only time it gets to me is when they're
summering in the country and I'm simmering in the city.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My dog has seizures and in an effort to try to determine what caused
them, he went in for a cat scan. When we brought him home, his head was
completely shaved and he had dark blue permanent marker dots to indicate
where to inject the lidocaine for his procedure. The following morning
when I got up, my dog's head was now also covered in bright green marker
lines... I asked my daughter who was about 4 or 5 at the time what
happened.. and with the biggest, proudest grin on her face she informed
me that she connected Gus's dots.... yup she sure did and we were very
sorry to see the hair grow back eventually!"--Elizabeth Kondrot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer
wound up together at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter informed
them that in order  to get into Heaven, they would each have
to answer one question.  St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,
"What was the name of the  ship that crashed into the iceberg?  They
just made a movie about  it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man
and, figuring Heaven didn't  REALLY need all the odors that this guy
would bring with him, decided  to make the question a little harder:
"How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500."

"That's right!  You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer.  "Name them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why they are outta Business
We were having dinner at Chi Chi??™s and the waiter finally came to take our order. He began rattling off a list of specials.

"Whoa," I interrupted. "I??™m sorry, I don??™t speak Spanish."

One of his arms dropped to his side, the other went to his hip. "I was speaking English, you pendejo."

"Oh, sorry," I apologized. "You??™re not going to CENSORED in my burrito now, are you?"

He smiled. I ate light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had an acquaintance who got all the way through flight training
although he had one really bad eye. The drill was: doctor gives you a
little "paddle" and says, "Cover one eye and read the lowest line you
can on that chart." So he takes the "blinder" in his left hand and
covers his left (bad) eye and reads the 20/20 line. Doc says, "O.K., Now
cover the other eye and do it." So the guy switches the paddle to his
right hand and covers his left eye and reads the 20/15 line. "Very
good," the doc says and they move on to the next exam. Worked every
time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In primary training we had several small, outlying grass fields where we
would go to practice touch-and-go landings when on solo flights -- they
had no control tower nor any personnel there -- just a wind-sock. One
guy stupidly landed at one of these fields with his landing gear still
up. When he slid to a stop in a cloud of flying clover and dust he
climbed out at first, but then got back in the cockpit and on the
still-working radio transmitted on 121.5 (the "guard" frequency, which
would be heard by dozens of planes aloft and the home tower), "Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday! This is Saufley two-one-two. My engine has quit." After
waiting a little while he transmitted, "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Saufley
two-one-two, I think I can make it to Williams Field." Then a bit later,
"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Saufley two-one-two, I can't quite make it to
Williams, I'll try leaving the gear up to stretch the glide." Then he
got out, threw a bit of dirt in the magneto, and sat on the wing until
the rescue squad arrived in a fire truck to pick up this "heroic"
student pilot who had dead-sticked it in with an engine failure!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm proud ta be a Redneck, So Y'All just guess
what the missin words are
Rednecks are Really Just Misunderstood - Here's Why

A personal observation, if I may; Being a caucasian, male American, I am automatically considered a "redneck" by my friends. The term redneck originated from the sunburn farmers and others who toil outdoors all day received on the area between their collar and their cap. I'm proud of what I am, even though I don't fit that stereotype exactly, but neither do I shop exclusively at Walmart, drive a rusty pickup truck, shoot deer out of season, fish all weekend, wear greasy overalls to weddings, drink moonshine, or date my cousin. Not true.....

I never dated my cousin.

I CENSORED her, but I never took her anywhere.

My point is, in these tough days, let's quit being so CENSORED  hateful, and yet, let's not forget how to laugh. Every individual is his or her own special interest group, and it's easy to forget that we all started out in the same condition. If we can't have a little harmless fun at someone else's expense without a do-gooder taking exception on their behalf, then we are already half-whipped by terrorism of a home-grown kind, but nobody deserves to be pilloried just because they're different, even some poor  who CENSORED works in the sun all day to build your new house, pave your roads, haul your garbage, or grow the food your kids need. So when you make fun of the "AGRO-AMERICAN" , don't talk with your mouth full.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Internal Revenue Service said Thursday a record
number of Americans paid their taxes online this year.
The system still has a few bugs.
They haven't yet figured out a way to get the shirt
off your back through the telephone wire.  - Argus Hamilton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However,
the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
"Can you please taste the soup?"
"What's wrong with the soup?"
"Just taste it."
"Why?"
"Just taste it."
"Sir, I--"
"Just taste it."
"Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
"EXACTLY. BRING ME A DANG SPOON."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a surprise turnaround, the FDA is allowing some
silicone breast implants to return to the market after
a long ban. The FDA still admits the implants are
dangerous, but they're the only things they've
approved in 13 years that don't cause heart disease. - Jake Novak
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor
my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead.

Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill had always been teased by his friends that his
wife was more successful than he was.  Some even went
so far as to insinuate that he was overshadowed by her
and henpecked.  Bill had a sense of humor and always
laughed it off.  One day, one of his fiends asked the
tiresome question AGAIN, "Who wears the pants in your
family?"

"I do," replied Bill.  Then, after a pause, he added,
"I also wash and iron them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the
reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner.
"So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about
President Bush?"
The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I must
inform you that I work for the White House."
"Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter.  "I'll tell it slowly
for you then."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A customer of the post office called to complain that
she hadn't received a package. 
"May I have your name and address?" I asked.
"All of that is on the package," she snapped.
"Yes, I know," I replied, "but..."
"Just call me when you find it."
"May I have your phone number then?"
"I can't remember, but I'm listed," she said and hung up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

~the postman

**** Quickies ****
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
~
How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!
~
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
~
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
~
What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?
~
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.
~
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!
~
What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
~
What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
~
What university do all Internal Revenue agents graduate from?

I.O.U.
~
"The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before,
the more I look like her the morning after."
Tallulah Bankhead
~
Sign outside a secondhand shop.

We exchange anything -- Bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
~
Mary: I'm going to get my hearing checked tomorrow.

Jill: Why? Is something wrong?

Mary: Well, I'm not sure. I was watching TV when an ad for a pizza restaurant started. I'm pretty sure the announcer didn't say this, but I heard, "When finding a good piece is on your agenda..."
 

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com


**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.

"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.

"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."

"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"

"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"

We received the email message below
from Steve Hall/Shotgun Red
concerning the upcoming "The Nashville Show"
with Ralph Emery, Shotgun Red (Steve Hall),
and all .the country legends every week.

We miss this show,
and think it's a really good idea,
so we forward it to you.
Check out the web site and see for yourself.

Jack & Misty
http://www.jackandmisty.com/

Steve writes...

Hey great you guys..35 years!!! ....
Niffty writing and a neat couple has worked.

"The Nashville Show" is getting closer to it's start.
Check it out at. http://www.TheNashvilleShow.com
I started this crazy On-line Only Country Show ....
so I would like to be the first to ask "Jack & Misty"
to be guests on the show after we get up and running.

If you go to the show site there's a mailing list form...
tell everyone you know to sign up to the mailing list and we will
be sending out updates every couple of weeks ....
then if you would be nice enough to do the show ...
we will be sending out updates on who will be on each week.
Then Jack & Misty fans can go on line and see the show.

Jack..... Your always coming up with ideas.
We are doing already doing many Mag. ads ...emails...radio...etc.
And there doing great all around the world...
but if you think of any ways to get the word out about the show
let me know.
Bill Anderson dropped a newsletter to his fanclub
and over 100 people signed up the next day...
same thing with Jimmy Dean and so on..... so ideas work.
Just thought I would check in with the "Blanchard Brain" &
see what's in there!!!

Thanks for any help.
P.S. The site has changed a little including a radio spot you can listen to....

<>Keep up the good work and will talk soon.
Steve Hall / Shotgun Red
The Nashville Show

Shotgun Red lives, look out Ralph!

By Jim Callicott, Tennessee Star Journal
caloopie@bellsouth.net

Just when you thought you??™ve seen everything on the internet, 
something new pops up. Nope, not another Paris Hilton video. Our 
subject may be stuffed, but not with silicone. We??™re talking about 
an All-American hero, Shotgun Red.
Ralph Emery and Shotgun Red hosted one of cable??™s most enjoyable 
shows, Nashville Now, for over ten years, back when The Nashville 
Network was about country music. Unfortunately the powers-to-be 
within the network didn??™t have a clue as to what the viewing audience 
wanted, so they began pushing traditional country music to the 
background. Nashville Now was unceremoniously booted from the 
airways.
Steve Hall, best buddy and the voice behind Shotgun Red, said he 
has learned, through traveling with his seven-piece country comedy
 show band, that people want to see the country legends and traditional 
country music back on television.
???Everybody comes up and says, ???What happened to all the good shows,
 what happened to the Nashville Network, and where is Ralph???? said Hall.
Thanks to the ingenious mind of Steve Hall, and much research on his 
part, traditional country and new technology have joined forces and the
 result is The Nashville Show. It??™s a new live weekly program hosted 
again by Ralph Emery and Shotgun Red. The big difference between 
it and the old Nashville Now show is, it will be available for download 
on the internet. Ralph and Shotgun Red on the internet! Technology 
has reached its peak.
Hall said about two-thirds of his older crowd has caught up with 
computer know-how and learned to use the internet. The younger 
crowd already knew it. 
The show will be taped live at the Nashville Nightlife Dinner Theater, 
just down the road from the Grand Ole Opry, in front of a studio audience.
 The viewer can simply click and download the show. It will be full screen, 
crystal clear and commercial free. 
A new show will be available each week featuring the legends of country 
music. Unlike regular television, a viewer can watch it on their own 
schedule for the incredibly low price of  $2.99. No high speed internet?
 No problem! The show can be mailed directly to your home on DVD for a low, 
low price. Shipping and handling will be free. 
For more information, future updates and announcements, go to 
www.TheNashvilleShow.com 
(When you fill out the information form, it ask, ???How did you here about
 the show???? Please type in ???Tennessee Star Journal??? in this blank.)

This report is from and edited by broadcaster and journalist Stuart Cameron of Country Hot Disc
Our web site is at www.hotdisc.net
Our e mail address is country@hotdisc.net


TWO MORE DEATHS ROCK COUNTRY

Country star Aaron Tippin's father, Willis Tippin, was killed in an unfortunate traffic accident in Martin County, North Carolina this week.Willis Tippin's truck crashed into a logging truck. He had just turned 78 years old.

Also, steel guitar legend Jerry Byrd (85) lost his battle to Parkinsons Disease in Honolulu. He was one of the most influential players in country music history. Many of the top steel players looked up to him as the "godfather of steel guitar". One of his best ever cuts was a moving version of "Danny Boy". His Hawaiian style of playing led him to finally move to Hawaii in 1970.

       **** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****

Roasted Root Vegetables

1 sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1-1/2 inch pieces
2 red potatoes, cut into 1-1/2 inch pieces
1 turnip, peeled and cut into 1-1/2 inch pieces
1 red onion, halved and cut into 1/2 inch thick wedges
2 tablespoons oil
2 tablespoons molasses
2 teaspoons balsamic vinegar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoons red pepper flakes

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.  Coat jellyroll pan with cooking spray.  In bowl
combine sweet potato, red potato, turnip, and red onion.  Add oil, molasses,
vinegar, salt and pepper, toss to coat.  Arrange vegetables in single layer on
pan.  Roast, stirring occasionally until tender and browned.
Makes 6 servings.
        
~&~

TOON TIME