From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to
The Almost Daily Funnies

    WEDNESDAY APRIL20,2005

Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fran:  My sister is black and blue, because she puts on cold cream, face
cream, wrinkle cream, vanishing cream, hair cream, and skin cream every
night.
Rhoda:  But why does that make her black and blue?
Fran:  She keeps slipping out of bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs Jones:  My husband beats me up every morning.

Mrs Smith:  My gosh! How terrible!

Mrs Jones:  Yes, he gets up at seven and I get up at eight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Jan stood in the pharmacy line waiting to turn in a prescription, her squirming three-year old daughter, Kate, said, "Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom." "Honey, I can't take you right now because I'm in line, so just wait a minute," Jan said. Her eight-year old son, Michael volunteered to take his sister to the bathroom, and off the two siblings went. When they returned Jan asked Michael, "Which bathroom did you use?" "The men's because if was closer than the ladies," he replied. "But don't worry, Mom. Nobody knew she was a girl because I called her Brian while we were in there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Company was coming over and I was frantically trying to get our house
ready. I was also driving my family crazy, barking out orders to pick
up, help set the table, and not to mess up the living room.

While I was cleaning the kitchen, I realized I'd pushed them too far.

"Mary," I snapped at my 12-year old daughter, "WHERE'S THE BROOM?"

"I don't know, Mom," she fired back. "Where'd you park it when you
landed?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An actor performing in a production of "Julius Caesar" noticed after the show that he had forgotten to take off his wristwatch. He was horrified at first, but his look soon changed to one of relief. "It's okay," he said to another actor. "The watch has Roman numerals."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a
"first time" cavity that would have to be filled.

"Now young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like
for that tooth?"

     "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster, after some careful
deliberation on his part.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Tom and his 7 yr old daughter Cindy stopped by the hairdresser to pick up his wife. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited. Without any warning, Cindy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?".

Needless to say, Tom's wife never went back to that hairdresser again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The street flower vendor was an 'old hand' at unloading the last
remaining bunches of flowers at the end of each day.

Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor says,

"How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the
vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!"  The vendor broke into a big smile. . .

"Then buy both bunches to celebrate!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  Cross a librarian with a lawyer and what do you get?

A.  All the information you want, except you can't understand it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend and I spent a day on Lake Michigan trolling for salmon. Greg is a veterinarian researching fish diseases. However, with one of his catches destined for his dinner table that evening, Greg looked at me and said, "Now you know why I decided not to do my research on mice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Mike checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead
cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager
and raised a fuss.
      "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't
bother you now."
      "The dead roach doesn't bother me." Mike said. "It's his
pallbearers and the funeral party."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two of my friends, Lenny and Jason, were discussing the amazing advances in automotive technology.

"You know," said Jason, "cars are almost entirely run by computer. Pretty soon, more electric cars will be on the market. Before long, for heaven's sake, they'll probably come up with a biological car."

"We already have a biological car, Jason," said Lenny. "It's called a horse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trumpet player had been blasting away all day, when there was a
knock on his door.
"I live next door to you," the man explained. "Do you know I work
nights?"
"No," said the trumpet player, but if you hum a few bars, I'll get the
melody."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tired of super-hectic Christmas mornings, I was pleased to find a recipe called "Christmas Morning Wifesaver Breakfast." I prepared the breakfast the night before so that it could be put in the oven while we opened our gifts with our four small children. It was delicious.

The next year I followed the "tradition" and prepared the same breakfast. After everyone was seated and I put the casserole on the table, my five-year-old exclaimed disgustedly, "This again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies ****
My wife is always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower
~
The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter.
One of them says to the other, "How do you like that?
Pay toilets!" -Dave Starr
~
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out,
you haven't wasted the whole day. ~ Mickey Rooney
~
To promote recycling, five large dumpsters by the mess tent had signs stating what type of garbage was to be placed in each. It took several days and many reminders, but eventually the soldiers were complying. One day as the regiment lined up for the noon meal, a civilian garbage truck arrived. In full view of the soldiers, the contents of all five containers were dumped in the one truck.
~
T.J.: Were you proud to see your name in the paper
after winning the spelling bee?
R.J.: I would have been, except for one thing.
T.J.: What??™s that?
R.J.: They misspelled my name.
~
Did you hear about the lass who had a window fitted to her belly- button?
She wanted a womb with a view...
~Noah's Law of Business:
You get remembered for building the Ark - not for predicting the rain!
~
"The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness."
Dennis Miller
~
Bill:  I didn't sleep very well last night.
Joe:  Why was that?
Bill:  I plugged the electric blanket into the toaster by mistake and
kept popping out of bed all night.
~
Mike:  There's one word that decribes my wife--temperamental.
Greg:  In what way?
Mike:  She fifty percent temper, and fifty percent mental.
~
Son:  Dad, would you do my arithmetic for me?
Dad:  No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Son:  Well, at least you could try.
~
Traffic Cop:  Do you know this is a one way street?
Driver:  Of course! I'm only driving one way!
~
Rosie:  This ointment the doctor gave me makes my leg smart.
Rick:  Well, why don't you rub some on your head then?
~
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing
nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those absolute hideous
representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," came the reply. . .
"That one's called a mirror."
~
Joyce:   I've been asked to get married hundreds of times.
Gloria:  (surprised)  Really?!  By whom?
Joyce:  My parents.
~
"Darling, you have the face of a saint."
"Thank you, dear, and just which saint would that be?"
"Bernard."
 
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****


Jake:  Oh, doctor, I swallowed the film out of my camera!
Doctor:  Well, we'll just have to hope nothing develops.

**** Cool Links ****
Sherry's Index
http://d21c.com/Sherry727/pages/altindex2.html

Volcanoes Of The Deep Sea
http://www.volcanoesofthedeepsea.com/


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Alan Jackson Tour To Begin and Leno Appearance April 22

**** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****
 
Beef Teriyaki

Prep/Cook Time :  25 min.

Ingredients:

1  lb. boneless beef sirloin OR top round steak, 3/4" thick
2  tbs. cornstarch
1  can (14 oz.) Swanson Beef Broth
2  tbs. soy sauce
1  tbs. packed brown sugar
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
4  cups fresh broccoli flowerets OR frozen broccoli flowerets
 Hot cooked rice

Directions:
SLICE beef into very thin strips. Mix cornstarch, broth, soy, brown sugar and
garlic powder until smooth. Set aside.
STIR-FRY beef in nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until browned and
juices evaporate.
ADD broccoli and cook 1 min. Stir cornstarch mixture and add. Cook until
mixture boils and thickens, stirring constantly. Serve over rice. Serves 4.
To make slicing easier, freeze beef 1 hr.

~&~

Lemon Meringue Tarts

Prep/Cook Time :  25 min.
Bake Time :  30 min.

Ingredients:
1  pkg. Pepperidge Farm Frozen Puff Pastry Shells
1  pkg. (3 oz.) lemon pudding mix, not instant
1 tsp. grated lemon peel
2  egg whites
1/4  cup sugar

Directions:
BAKE pastry shells according to pkg. directions.
COOK pudding mix according to pkg. directions for pie filling. Stir in lemon
peel. Let cool to room temperature.
SPOON about 1/3 cup pudding into each pastry shell. Preheat oven to 325?°F.
BEAT egg whites until frothy using electric mixer at high speed. Add sugar
gradually, beating until soft peaks form. Spoon over pudding and spread to
edges. Place on baking sheet.
BAKE for 12 min. or until lightly browned. Let cool. Serves 6.

For Lemon Cream Tarts, substitute sweetened whipped cream or thawed frozen
nondairy whipped topping for egg whites and sugar. Top each filled pastry shell
with whipped cream. Garnish with lemon slices, if desired. Serve immediately
or cover and refrigerate until serving time.


Cooking technique: Successful Stir-fries
*  Prepare the rice with broth instead of water while you are preparing the
stir-fry so it will be hot and waiting when stir-fry is finished.
*  Cut vegetables and meat into uniform-sized pieces for even cooking.
*  Have all the vegetables sliced and the sauce mixture stirred together
before beginning.
*  Heat the pan or wok well before adding any ingredients.
*  Don't crowd pan; stir-fry a small amount first, push it to the side of the
pan away from the center heat and add more.
*  When adding sauce with thickener, such as cornstarch or flour, cook and
stir for at least a minute until it comes to a low boil and appears clear; serve
immediately.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why is Sears Roebuck listed only as Sears these days? What happened to Roebuck?

  Rest assured, Roebuck is still there! Sears, Roebuck & Co is the nation's fifth largest retail firm, with more than 870 full-line department stores and over 289,000 employees. While the company commonly refers to itself as "Sears," you'll notice that the copyright at the bottom of their official site still credits "Sears, Roebuck and Co."

The company history section of the site points out the firm was incorporated as "Sears, Roebuck and Co." in 1893, after an enterprising station agent named Richard Sears teamed up with a Chicago watchmaker named Alvah C. Roebuck. The name has remained the official title of the company ever since.

The company shot to prominence in the late 19th century with its mail order catalog. At the time, general stores throughout isolated rural areas were marking up their inventory as much as one hundred percent. In short -- mom and pop were squeezing out mom and pop.

Thanks to timely improvements in the U.S. mail system, Sears was able to offer an array of goods at cheap prices. Adapting to America's booming car culture, Sears began opening retail stores in the mid-1920s. By 1931, retail sales topped mail-order sales, and Sears heralded in the birth of the department store.


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Speak well of your friend; of your enemy say nothing.

TOON TIME

Amish race car driver
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/33202.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/33202.htm ">  Here!</a>

Chess
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/33201.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/33201.htm ">  Here!</a>

Mini House
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32050.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32050.htm ">  Here!</a>

Modern day mowing machine
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny537.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny537.html">Here</a>

Lego Volvo
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/legovolvo.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/legovolvo.htm"> Here </a>

Computer Lingo
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/33203.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/33203.htm ">  Here!</a>

New Road Sign...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/048.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/048.htm"> Here </a>

All is calm...all is bright
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny538.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny538.html">Here</a>

Dog Owners Warning
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/dogowners.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/dogowners.htm"> Here </a>


LAST CALL Y'ALL
OLDIE
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first
one.

"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the
first robin.

"Me either," said the second robin. "Let's just lay here and bask in the
warm sun," said the first.

"OK," said the second. The robins plopped down, basking in the sun.

They had barely fallen asleep when a big, fat tomcat sneaked up and
gobbled both of them down. As he sat washing his face after his meal,
the cat thought, "I just LOVE Baskin' Robins!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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