THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
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GOD is my copilot;Some days I work him overtime

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of
the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat
was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was
being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest,
but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found
himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in
the empty seat.The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that
someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong CENSORED out the window."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Butch, our boxer, hated taking medicine. After a lot of trial and error,
my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him:
blow it down Butch's throat with something called a 'pill tube.'

So, Dad put the the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the
reluctant dog's jaws open, and poked the other end into his mouth. Then,
just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.

A startled look appeared on Dad's face. He opened his eyes wide and
swallowed hard.

"I think I've just been de-wormed," he gasped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that
guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank
floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his
head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other
customers were very confused and some very upset at the way
the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to
the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''
The man turned toward the teller and simply said, "Looking around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shopper had looked at almost every suitcase in the store. Finally, she said, "Actually, I'm not buying one. I'm just looking for a friend." "Very good, madam, " replied the clerk. "Would you like me to open up the last few to see if he's in one of them?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because my mother had a reaction to a bee sting when we were on vacation, I went with her to see a doctor immediately upon our return. After she described the symptoms in detail, the allergist said, "Where did you get stung?"

Mother's hesitation turned into a long silence. Finally, I suggested, "Wasn't it your back, Mother?"

Suddenly, she blurted: "Shamrock. Shamrock, Texas!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of an e-mail, send it off and wait for a response.

Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular items. In short order, I got three responses.

However, nobody had any of the items I'd listed. But they "all" found what I'd written amusing..."Wanted - envelopes, piano bench, and one night stand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a booze-up out in the woods when all of a sudden it starts hoying it down.

Gibbo and me ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached the car just as the rain let up. We jumps in the car, start it up and head down the road, laughing and drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he taps lightly on the window! Gibbo screams out, "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Look at me window!!! There's an old gadgy's face there!" The old man kept knocking, so aa sez, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, Gibbo rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, sez, "What do ye want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?" Gibbo, terrified, looks me and sez, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!"

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, "Step on it!!!" sez he rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, we calm down, and start laughing again, Gibbo says, "What d??™ye think of that?" "Aa don't know, aa??™m ganning pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there??™s the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" "Well, see what he wants now!"

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. Gibbo throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

We??™re now going about 100 miles an hour still necking beer and trying to forget what we??™d just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there??™s more knocking! "OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

Gibbo rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YE WANT?"

The old man replies, "Ye want some help getting out the mud?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One afternoon my mother went shopping and returned a few hours later
with ten new dresses.

"Ten?!" Dad hollered.

"What could any woman possibly want with ten new desses?"

Mom replied in a calm voice....

"Ten new pairs of shoes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy.

One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing
your truck?"

Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched
onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed, sniffing furiously.

Tim grew nervous. There were no drugs, no weapons. What could this dog
possibly be after?

A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "Our dog ate your lunch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake
fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting"
he thought.

Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad,"
he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."

His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great
stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend
"This brake fluid is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is
poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was shopping at the supermarket today and I saw a
package of Turkey Bacon.

Whats up with that??

Makes me wonder WHAT is going on at that farm?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They remember,FOREVER
AND EVER,AND EVER
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something
really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He
apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done.

"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you
keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was
'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to
forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love v/s marriage

1. Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in
the street.

2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant, Marriage is fish &
chips take-away.

3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about
getting away from children.

5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.

6. Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.

7. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.

8. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the
bank.

9. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

10. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've
had enough?"

11. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is
staying awake all night having an argument

12. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the
supermarket

13. Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too
long

14. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working
overtime to keep away from her
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose
sailor husband was at sea.  Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced,
a job that took two days.  Then I discovered that the battery was dead,
and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

      Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your
car is good for many more miles."

      "Thanks," she said.  "All I care is that it runs long enough to
make it to the dealer.  I'm trading it in tomorrow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  I was talking to someone the other day about April's home town of
Piney Flats, Tennessee.

      I said, "The town's built on a one-way street.  It's so small,
that if you pass it by mistake, you have to go clear around the world to
get back to it again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and
soon her fingernails were growing normally.

      Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alien?
Out for a stroll, a couple of drunks are staring at the sky.

"What a beautiful night," one of the guys says. "Look at that moon!"

"That's not the moon, you moron," his inebriated pal replies. "That's
the sun!"

They're still argiing when another drunk staggers over.

"Help us out, buddy," the first man says. "Look up--is that the moon or
the sun?"

"I don't know," the man slurs.... "I don't live around here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I promise; that bird is so well-behaved, you can take it anywhere," the
pet store owner assured the woman buyer.

Delighted with her purchase, she took her parrot to church the next day.
Things were great until, halfway through the sermon, the bird blurted
out,

"It's damn cold in here!"

Embarrassed, the woman ran out of the service and took the bird back to
the pet store the next day.

"This 'good bird' you sold me swore in church yesterday." she told the
shop owner.

"I'm sorry, It sometimes does that in new environments," he explained to
her. "Next time, grab its feet and swing it over your head a few times.
That should stop it."

The following week the woman and her parrot were in church again, when
the parrot yelled,

"It's damn cold in here!"

Quickly, the woman got up, grabbed the bird and swung it above her head
six times. Then she put the bird back on her shoulder and sat down.

"Damn," the bird says... "It's windy too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A trucker at a rest area put his last fifty cents in a vending machine
and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent
coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My pharamcy has an interesting way of making new customers feel welcome.
To fill prescriptions faster, it issues ID's, using the first four
letters of the patient's last name, followed by the first two letters of
their first name.

My patient ID?    WIERDO.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a young Pastor and as usual the enemy
would try to stir up trouble in the family just
before church, so they were running late getting
into town  and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the rearview
mirror only to see the lights of the Highway
Patrol ...... busted! Already late for church and
figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly
slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the
trooper walked up to the window and asked to see
his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the
trooper asked, "You're a Reverend huh?" The young
Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding
ticket and said, "Well Reverend; your speedometer
runneth over."

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started
to walk away, his last comment was, "Oh, by the
way -  the Bible on the dash - nice touch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****

Don't expect children to listen to your advice and ignore your examples.
~
Q. What goes "marc marc"?
A. A dog with a harelip.
~
The perfect wife is one who helps her husband with the dishes
~
Fran: My sister is black and blue, because she puts on cold cream, face
cream, wrinkle cream, vanishing cream, hair cream, and skin cream every night.
Rhoda: But why does that make her black and blue?
Fran: She keeps slipping out of bed.
~
BEWARE OF THE STRINGS

A gift, with strings attached, is not a gift but an arrangement.
~
Many people are flexible. They can put either foot in their mouth
~
Wantabees
The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly
held by people with no grandchildren.
~
I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong.
- Bertrand Russell
~

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
ORLANDO, Fla. -- An Orlando police officer has been charged with misdemeanor battery
for allegedly using a Taser stun gun on a suspect tied and handcuffed to a hospital bed.

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****



Man In The Hospital

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an  oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,  I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willie in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test... results...
back?"
**** Cool Links ****
SouthBreeze w/Do You Know
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/doyouknow.htm

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Kitty Korner
http://pdhomes.net/lit/gjz/BB/27.HTML


**** ON THIS DAY ****
The Little Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was
on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it
encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time
to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for
the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take
care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his
beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he
screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ...
as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely
in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he
brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing,and
tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only
in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause
for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans,
a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left
of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled
from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It
really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the prist-
inely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary
angry
squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,
with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump
and an amazing impact,he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed
his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also
managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were
continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least.
The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the
throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a
healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.

A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The
engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed
in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well . I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and
roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on
the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the
mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into
somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how
to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage
to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power
of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention
to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel
of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face hlmet
with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face.

I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the
squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not
bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring
at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail
sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are
probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him
out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it
worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and
parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large
man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt
flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at
probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by,
and with all his strength, throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your
police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front
wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in
a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have
returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about
me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the
patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on
his back,doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away
from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the
street,aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not
interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it"
anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and
flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also
swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat
shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off
of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best
to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Bandaids.

ON THIS DATE IN COUNTRY MUSIC HISTORY:

Wade Mainer, singer/banjoist/recording artist, born Buncombe, NC 1907.

Ira Louvin born "Ira Lonnie Loudermilk," near Section, AL 1924. Inducted
CMHF 2001.

Hillous Butrum, "Drifting Cowboys" born Lafayette, TN 1928.

Carl Belew singer/songwriter born Salina, OK 1931.

Hank Williams first recording session for MGM 1947.

Paul Davis, singer/songwriter/producer, born Meridian, MS 1948.

Rex Allen??™s "Sparrow In The Tree Top" became his first top ten record 1951.

Mark Rader, "Traditional Grass," born Middletown, OH 1956.

Johnny Cash started his first Canadian Tour 1957.

Bob Wills and Tommy Duncan recorded for Liberty Records for the first time
1960.

Bob Luman released "Big River Rose," 1962.

Walter Brennan, singer/actor, debuted on Billboard??™s Top 40 Chart with "Old
Rivers" 1962.

Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton recorded "Just Someone I Use To Know" 1969.

Connie Smith rejoined the Grand Ole Opry 1971.

Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton performed their last concert together in
Salina, KS 1974.

Neal Matthews, "The Jordanaires," died at age 70, in Nashville, TN in 2000.

Rose Augustine, age 93, founder of "Guitar Review," died New York City 2003.

Grammy winning producer, and engineer, George Mossenburg, was hired as an
audio consultant to the Grand Ole Opry in 2003. Mossenburg lives in
Nashville, and was hired to improve the audio quality of the Opry Radio andTV broadcasts.

After 18 years as President and CEO of BMI, Frances W. Preston announcedthat she would step down from that position in August of 2004. No one personcontributed more to Nashville, Tennessee becoming "Music City USA" than thisfine lady.

Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html

ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE:

1951          The Rhumba Boogie - Hank Snow

1959         White Lightning - George Jones

1967         Lonely Again - Eddy Arnold

1975        Always Wanting You - Merle Haggard

1983       Dixieland Delight - Alabama

I enjoyed Kevin Johnston's humorous piece about the state of country music songwriting today. But I hope he will consider writing a follow-up piece on what's happened to the music itself, and the performers who present it.
I was watching CMT a few days ago and saw a concert with Gretchen Wilson, a new artist whom I happen to like, ever since she included an old film clip of my favorite Jim Reeves in a music video she recently did. Gretchen is a nice singer, but what I saw on CMT appalled me. She was on there screetching and screaming in rock-concert fashion, at one point trying to compete with some dreadful-looking (and sounding) woman, whose name I do not know. There was also a female guitarist who hopped out on stage to begin with and blasted away, acting like she was on Ephedra or something, she seemed so wired. And I'm not talking about her electric guitar. THAT IS NOT COUNTRY MUSIC.
I don't care if these people want to act that way, but at least come up with a different name for what you do, don't pretend it's "country" music, and get your own channel. I don't want to tune in to CMT to see that.
Then there are the guys of country music, who think dressing all in black is cool. What's with those long black trench coats combined with goofy-looking, oversized black cowboy hats? What silly pretense! Don't you have enough musical talent to let your music stand on its own merits? Why all the peculiar costuming? Real people don't dress like that, and I thought country music was supposed to reflect "real life."
What kind of freak show has country music become?
Fortunately, the Opry is still country enough to satisfy my appetites. I heard Ray Pillow on there Saturday night, singing a song called "I Wonder Who's MISSING Her Now." Never heard the song before, and it again made me think this is a song Gentleman Jim could have had a hit on. Darrell McCall followed at the Ernest Tubb "Midnite Jamboree" and did a thoroughly enjoyable show, including a song called "There's Still A Lot of Love In San Antone," which I just loved. I believe he is on Tracy Pitcox's Heart of Texas Records.
Now THOSE guys are the real deal. Not the freaks who seem to dominate country music today.

Just my two cents' worth.

Julie Campbell-Jordan
www.jim-reeves.com
 
       **** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****        
Any Bean Soup

INGREDIENTS:
1 to 2 cups chopped onions
1 cup chopped green onions
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup chopped celery with leaves
Butter, vegetable oil or bacon drippings
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 (1-pound) package navy beans, GREAT NORTHERN,
lima beans, split peas or lentils
2 quarts water
1 or 2 bay leaves
Ham bone, ham hock or bacon drippings (optional)
Salt and pepper to taste

TO PREPARE:     
Saute the onions,garlic,green onions and celery in butter in a stockpot until
the onions are tender.  Stir in the parsley.  Saute for 1 minute.  Add any
variety or combination of sorted and rinsed beans, peas or lentils, water, bay
leaves and ham bone.

Bring to a boil; reduce heat.  Simmer over low heat until the beans are
tender, stirring occasionally.  Discard the bay leaves.  Season with salt and
pepper.  Ladle into soup bowls.

SERVES:  4 - 6
TIP
TRY ADDING 1 CUP OF CATSUP
WHEN YA PUT THE BEANS ON
TO COOK
~&~