THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

What this country needs is a  good, affordable washing machine
with an attachment that will sew the buttons back on.

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When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by. Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?"

"It's terrific," Little Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A painter was painting a room of a house this rich woman was having
remodelled, when walks the blonde interior decorator,

 "No, no, no, no, no, no, no," says the interior decorator, "there's not
enough colour in this paint, it needs some more mauve."

 So the decorator hands the painter a can of mauve paint and tells him,
"Here, put some of this in that can and mix it."

 The painter pours some of the mauve in the can of white paint, and
mixes them with a stirrer.  First he stirs the paint about ten times
clockwise, then he reverses the direction of stirring.  The decorator
sees him do this, and yells, "What are you doing??"

 "I'm mixing the paint" The painter says.

 "Why are you going the opposite direction now?" asks the blonde,
pointing to the mixing stick, "Don't you know that you'll unmix the
paint?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear this morning the Vatican and the Egg Counsel are teaming up and releasing a new egg carton package. They're calling the new package "Eggs Benedict XVI".
~~~~~~
A pick pocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes.
      "Mr. Brewster," the Judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and
fined the sum of $150."
      After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up
and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has
only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the
crowd..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I was passing through the household goods section of a large department store, I noticed two older ladies evaluating the bathroom scales. One, without coat and purse, stood on a scale while her friend studied the dial. They repeated this on several scales, until finally there was a triumphant announcement: "Take this one, Laurie. It weighs you
a pound less than the others!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come
a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and
tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God
and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the
point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why
don't you just leave us be."

God listened patiently to the man and after the scientist was finished
talking, God said, "Very well. How about this? Let's have a man making
contest."

The scientist, with great arrogance said, "That would be fine."

The Lord added, "Now, we are going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," then bent down and grabbed a
handful of dirt.

God said to the scientist, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just as we were about to get into our car in the church parking lot one evening, two friends in the next car rolled down their windows and said they had a problem. Their car was a loaner car from a dealership, and it wouldn't start. The driver had tried everything she could think of, but to no avail. In mounting frustration, she moaned: "What's the matter with it? Why won't it start?" A new voice was heard from the darkness. "Maybe because it's my car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adding a second floor on our home drew a lot of onlookers. One Saturday
my husband and his friend were installing siding. Just as his friend went
upstairs to get some material, an elderly woman stopped to admire their
handiwork. After exchanging pleasantries, the lady asked, "Are you working
all alone, son?"
"No," my husband replied, "I have a friend upstairs."
With a knowing nod, she said: "I know what you mean, son. So do I."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic. Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station. The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to have come up lame in the right hind tire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day this mechanic, Tony, was working late under a car and some brake
fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"WOW!! This stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought to himself.

The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid.

"It's really not bad...in fact, I think I'll try to have some more
today."

His buddy was a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day Tony told his buddy about drinking a full cup of the brake
fluid.

"Great Stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend,

"This break fluid is the world's greatest tasting stuf!"

His friend was now really worried.

"You know, Tony, that brake fluid is poison and it's really nasty stuff.
You better stop drinking it!"

"Hey, no problem," he told his buddy....

"I can stop any time!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.  One day I was in
the break room with another manager.  I reached ino the refrigerator for
my lunch, which was packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag.
      My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me, looking a
little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in
relief.
      "What's the matter?" I asked him.
      "Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was just beginning to think you
really DO eat nails for lunch."

**** Quickies ****
"My wife and I have structured conversations...
first, she gives me her opinion,
then she gives me my opinion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
"Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saab: An auto that cries real tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of people here in Missouri are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless here.
The name of this group... guys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is useful information
if you're moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The mistake a lot of politicians make is in forgetting
they've been appointed and thinking they've been anointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rossini the Italian composer, learned that wealthy admirers in France planned to erect a statue in his honor. "What will it cost?" he asked. "About ten million francs." was the answer. "Ten million francs!" he gasped. "For five million I will stand on the pedestal myself."
~~~~~~~~~
Teacher to a third grade student: "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"
Billy: "It depends."
Teacher: "It depends on what?"
Billy: "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear wife insisted on toting her share at the hardware store.
As she struggled along with a can of paint, she exclaimed,
"I thought you said you were going to buy light blue paint!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why was the chicken a lousy baseball player?
A: Because all he could hit were fowl balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you get when you cross a frog with a dog?
A. A croaker spaniel!
~
Q. What is the height of stupidity?
A. I don't know, how tall are you.
`~
Q. Why did the jelly wobble?
A. Because it saw the milk shake.

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
sorry, no signs today-Jb
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****
ADIVCE FROM DOC

Apple Peach Smoothie

Ingredients :

1xfresh peach
1/3cupnon fat milk
1/4cupfrozen apple juice concentrate



Method :
Peel 1 fresh peach. Cut it into thin slices. Put into a plastic bag
with a zipper bag, laying flat. Put the plastic bag into the freezer
for 1 to 2 hours. Take out 1/4 of the peaches and break them
into pieces. Mix in a blender with 1/3 cup of milk and 1/4 cup of
frozen apple juice concentrate. Cover and blend until smooth,
pour into a glass, and add more peach slices.

A man gave a woman a seat. She fainted. On recovering,
she thanked him. Then he fainted.
These two should get together,
sounds like soulmates to me -Jb 

TOON TIME