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From Carlisle ,Indiana
 Welcome to  The Almost Daily Funnies MONDAY APRIL 25,2005  THOUGHT FOR TODAY: According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom That was fine,
but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would
remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had
to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip
prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been
to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was
required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there
have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators ~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air. The doctor motions to John. "Jump." Without hesitation, John leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty pool, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Bill, "Jump." Bill shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, Bill. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" "Easy," Bill says, "I can't swim." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!", apparently to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night as he and his wife Margaret, were getting ready for bed, she said dryly... "Dear, if you see anyone you know tonight, just wave, OK?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" "Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf combined with such clean language!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A high-school geometry teacher started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles." He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why. "Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start speaking English." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SECRETS OF WOMAN'S LANGUAGE 1. FINE - This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. 2. FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade. 3. NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows) - This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine". 6. LOUD SIGH - Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing". 7. SOFT SIGH - One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear. 8. OH - This word followed by any statement is trouble. EG - "Oh, let me get that", which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night." If this happens, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will say she's "Fine" after she's done tossing your clothes out the window. Do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days since she's caught you in a lie. Even if there's an innocent explanation, do not try to explain or you will just get in deeper and deeper. 9. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. It means she needs to think long and hard about the severe retributions you will receive for doing whatever it is you have done or not doing whatever it is you haven't done. If you respond to "That's Okay" you will invariably get "Fine" in conjunction with the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". This is one of those things that she will remember forever and will come back to haunt you in every "Five Minute" argument you have with her until death do you part. 10. PLEASE DO - This is an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever you have done or not doing whatever it is you have not done. Do not take her up on her offer. Remain silent at all costs. She is currently only sceptical. Say anything and you're sure to get a "That's Okay". 11. THANKS - This is ok. A woman is just plain thanking you. Do not faint, just say, you're welcome. 12. THANKS A LOT - This is different from "Thanks". Much different. It is only used when you have hurt her in that very callous way in which women can only be hurt by men they love. "Thanks A Lot" is almost invariably followed by the "Loud Sigh". Do not ask what is wrong after this. She will say "Nothing". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUT A DEALS A DEAL A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let im go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both the houses of Congress, then he prays for the country!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jim, Bob and Mike go to Heaven and are met by St. Pete. St. Pete says: "Hey, glad to have you. Heaven's a great place; we have a dance every Saturday night and this great Cadillac you can drive around heaven. There's only one rule: God's favorite animal is the duck. If you hit a duck, your punishment is that you have to attend the dance with the ugliest girl in heaven. Remember, this is a big place, so she's pretty ugly." Jim says, "No problem," gets in the car and drives around for a couple of hours. When he shows back up he's got a sad look on his face. "What's the matter?" asks St. Pete. "I hit a duck," says Jim. "Well," says St. Pete, "you know the rules...you have to go to the dance with the ugliest girl in heaven.....and she's pretty ugly!" Bob says..."No problem." He gets in the car only to return with that same sad look. "Hit a duck?" asks St. Pete. "Yep" says Bob. "Well, you'll have the second ugliest girl on Saturday night" said St. Pete. "Remember... this is a big place so the second ugliest is pretty ugly." Mike, being the big-shot that he was, says, "No problem." He jumps in and drives around for six hours! When he returns he was asked, "Have any problems?" "None at all," he replies. Saturday rolls around and in walk Jim and Bob with the ugliest and second ugliest women in heaven. They're so ugly that people can't stand to look at them! They looked across the room only to see Mike with a beautiful blonde on his arm. Jim and Bob become furious and decide to complain to St. Pete. "Look!" they say, "We were good on earth...volunteers, coaches, etc. And we come here and simply hit a duck and have to come to the dance with these two!! That's not fair! Look at Mike...that's not fair!" St. Pete says, "Boys, let me tell you a little secret...just before you guys showed up here this week, see that girl that Mike is with? Well, she was driving the Cadillac...and well......she hit a duck." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Years ago when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with my Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose crackers, and huge containers from which lard was dispensed. This was a small country store. One morning my mom and I went to the store to purchase a few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the father went to lunch. He stated, "Miss Abigail, your pail will only hold two pounds." Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple minded and said, " Where is your daddy? He has been putting three pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not. The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note. Last Sunday the priest ended with... "Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?" I wasn't the only one who got it wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking in the mall for a nightgown, a 40-ish something lady tried her luck in a store known for its skimpy lingerie. To her delight, however, she found just what she was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, she noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item.This confirmed what she suspected all along: despite being nearly 50, she still had a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," she said proudly to the 20-something behind me."Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my mother." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GROWING OLDER... First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Learning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka Martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the following memo: To all employees: If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey. It is much better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say... his very-obvious lack of it. One day he stormed through the front door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who just had to blurt out. . . "How could anyone stoop so low?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In search of a roll-in shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom supply store that advertised they consulted on accessible bathroom solutions. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant where the same young lady from the bathroom supply store was now arriving with two friends. As she passed close to our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear. ."HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his "monster" seemed to be lacking a certain "je ne sais quoi" in his life. He and Mrs. Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and the Missus suddenly had a bright idea. "Maybe he needs a mate." "Good idea, my dear," said the doctor. "Let's create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine's Day." So, they worked day and night and finally got the lady "monster" ready in time to "wake her up" on Valentine's Day. The original creation was there beside Dr. and Mrs., just jumping from one foot to another in eager anticipation of the solution to this cravings. As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, "Look! She about to speak!" The new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice: "Oooooo ---Noo! Head----ache!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** Q. Why did the cat join the Red Cross? A. Because it wanted to be a first-aid kit. ~ Q. Why was the cat so small? A. Because it drank only condensed milk. ~ Q. What does the lion say before going out hunting for food? A Let us prey. ~ Q. What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? A. There was finally some money in the kitty. ~ Q. What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? A. Now I've herd everything. ~ Q. Why did the people on the Ark think horses were pessimistic? A. They kept saying 'neigh'. ~ Q. What animal could Noah not trust? A. The Cheetah. ~ Q. What did one pencil say to the other pencil? A. My, you're lookin' sharp! ~ And here's the groaner.... Q. Why weren't there any worms on the Ark? A. Because worms come in apples not pairs. ~ Trying to counter its reputation as "America's Fattest City", Houston, Texas, put on the "Tour de Houston" bicycle event. The response was staggering: at least 2,300 people showed up, raising $50,000 to upgrade the city's parks and recreational facilities. Organizers didn't time the cyclists, noting it was "recreational, not a race." Another reason for the great turnout: participants were given free beer and tacos. ~~~~~ After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published." The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!" ~~~~~ Shipwrecked woman to husband: "I can't believe I'm finally losing weight and the nearest mirror is a thousand miles away!" ~ "A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it." ~ Camilla Parker Bowles has said she's delighted to be getting married, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a free weekend in Paris with car and driver thrown in. ~ How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** A midget mother and daughter decided they weren't going to put up with the taunting of their neighbor any longer. Three-foot-eight Debra Shea and her 3-foot-6 daughter, Concelean Pegues, testified against their neighbor Joseph Izzo, who was busted last week for spray-painting a yellow line leading up to their house and telling them to "follow the yellow brick road." Izzo was also accused of yelling racial slurs at Pegues and singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go." A man who said he was Izzo's friend said that recently, Izzo and Shea would get into drunken fights and would often call the authorities on each other. HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ~ SAN ANTONIO, Texas - According to a police spokesman, an off- Duty police officer was attending an auto auction when he had to use the washroom. When Officer Craig Clancy lowered his pants in the restroom his pistol fell from his waist. When it reached the floor two shots rang out. One bullet hit the floor tile and the other caught the leg of a bystander washing his hands. The injured man was treated for the gun shot at a nearby hospital. Officer Clancy is currently under investigation by internal affairs. HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ~ GRASS VALLEY, Calif. - It just wasn't Brandon Sander's day. After being shot in the rear end, Sanders called for help. Paramedics and police found the wounded Sanders in a park- Ing lot sitting in his car. According to Sheriff Keith Royal, a deputy smelled marijuana at the scene. After following a blood trail to some bushes, three large bags of pot were discovered. Deputies also recovered a large roll of money near Sanders' car. The investigation is on- going and will surely continue to be a pain in the rear for Sanders. HERE'S YOUR SIGN - REALLY STUPID ~ A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting his 1994 Chrysler LeBaron. The 'sharp shooter' pumped five rounds from a .380-caliber semiautomatic into the vehicle, sheriff's deputies said Tuesday. When the property manager at his apartment complex asked what he was doing, he said, "I'm putting my car out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went back inside. Deputies responding to a report arrested the 63-year old for firing a firearm in public. ~ SPEECHLESS-HERE'S YOUR SIGN &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& ALL THIS FREE You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****  A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living
will.
It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the exercise bike, and..." - Jonathan Katz - **** Cool Links **** Mark w/Around the Corner... http://hideaway_fun.home.att.net/333/around_the_corner.htm Kaye Stubbington & Betty Lindsey w/ In Your Back Yard. http://brackleshamdreams.com/backyard.html PaintShop Pro & Incredimail http://www.pspimhelp.com/ Doggie Zone http://summerville-novascotia.com/Buyadog/ **** ON THIS DAY **** I usually don't get into doing the "warm fuzzy feeling" kind of story. I'm sure there are others out there who are better at it than myself. However, I just couldn't resist one that was sent in by my friend Dan. According to the story, this photograph shows a red Doberman kissing an exhausted fireman. He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire. She is pregnant. The firefighter was afraid of her at first, because he had never been around a Doberman before. When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest. A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed this red Doberman in the distance looking at the fireman. He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do. As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, when the photographer snapped this photograph. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The
'L
I
T
T
L
E'
things
.
Another
fellow was alive because it was his
turn to bring donuts. One
woman was late because her alarm
clock didn't go off in time. One
was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
because
of an auto accident. One
of them missed
his bus.
One
spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to
change. One's
car
wouldn't start.
One
went back to answer
the telephone.
One
had a child
that dawdled
and
didn't get ready as soon as he should have. One
couldn't get
a taxi.
The
one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took
the various means to get to work but
before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot.
He
stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That
is why he is alive today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** ON THIS DATE IN COUNTRY MUSIC HISTORY: Karl Marx Farr, "Sons of the Pioneers," born Rochelle, TX 1909. Cliff Bruner, fiddler/bandleader, born Texas City, TX 1915. Vassar Clements, fiddle virtuoso, born Kinard, SC 1928. Ervin "Vin" Bruce, "King of the Cajuns," born Cut Off, LA 1932. O.B. McClinton born Senatobia, MS 1940. Stu Cook, "Southern Pacific," born Oakland, CA 1945. Larry Robbins of the Johnson Mountain Boys, born Dickerson, MD 1945 Rob Crosby, singer/songwriter, born Sumpter, SC 1954. Webb Pierce??™s "In The Jailhouse Now" topped the charts in 1955. Rev. Blind Andrew Jenkins, age 71, died 1957. Elvis Presley appears on stage at the Bloch Arena in Hawaii
1961. He Jeffrey Howard Hawkins, "Little Texas," born Arlington, TX 1966. Sonny James??™ "Empty Arms" topped the charts 1971. Willie Nelson performed for President Carter at the White House 1978. Roger Miller??™s musical "Big River" opened on Broadway 1985. It later won theTony for Best Musical of the Year. K.T. Oslin??™s "80??™s Ladies," charted 1987. TNN debuted their "Viewers Choice Awards" 1989. The Dukes of Hazzard Reunion TV movie aired 1997. The Amazing Rhythm Aces released their album "Absolutely Live" 2000. Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html **** TODAY'S ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE: 1947 So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed - Merle Travis1955 In the Jailhouse Now - Webb Pierce1963 Still - Bill Anderson1971 Empty Arms - Sonny James1979 All I Ever Need is You - Kenny Rogers & Dottie West1987 Rose in Paradise - Waylon Jennings
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Where does the flushed waste from
airplane toilets go while in flight? Had It All LAST CALL
Y'ALL
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