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From Carlisle ,Indiana  Welcome to  The Almost Daily Funnies TUESDAY APRIL 26,2005  THOUGHTS FOR TODAY: The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new
one. Make yourself at home! Come clean my kitchen. out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two pilots were discussing the merits of a twin-engine, propeller- driven aircraft undergoing service trials. "How does it handle?" asked the pilot who hadn't yet flown the new plane. "Oh, it's not bad," was the reply. `"How is asymmetric flight? One engine out?" After thinking for a moment, the other pilot repoied, "Ah, that's where it becomes tricky. If one engine quits, the other engine immediately takes you to the scene of the crash. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pope Benedict XVI was not the Cardinal's first pick as Pope. They wanted Cardinal Secola from Brazil. Problem was that they didn't want to deal with the world calling him 'Pope Secola'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After getting his car repaired for the third time that month, my friend lamented to the repairman, "What I need is a money machine." "I'd like one too," he said. "You already have one," my friend observed. You've got my car." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Harvard University boy got his old dad in Maine to come out to Cambrdige and see a football game. As they sat down, the boy slaps his father on the back and says, "Dad, for three dollars you are going to see more fight, more life, and more enthusiasm than you ever saw before!" The old man smiles and replies. . . "Oh, I'm not so sure about that, son. That's what I paid for my marriage license!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hollywood movie star Lana Turner arrived in London, England, in 1958 to make the film "Another Time, Another Place". One young actor in the movie enchanted her with his smile and gorgeous accent. As the film progressed, however, Miss Turner became less and less enthusiastic about her discovery - the accent, she said, was just not suitable for her film. On the final day of shooting, Miss Turner asked the film's publicist to give a message to her young discovery. "Tell him he just hasn't got what it takes to be a star. Tell him I suggest he find another line of work." Happily, the publicist didn't follow her suggestion. He never told Sean Connery what Lana Turner had said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks." One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A duffer kept driving new golf balls into the rough and losing them. He tried to drive balls across a lake and lost them in the water. Another golfer asked him, "Why not play with used balls?" The discouraged duffer answered, "Because I have never owned used balls." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Upon learning that a second funeral parlor was being opened in our small town, my mother commented to our minister, "We're no longer a one-hearse town." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water buffalo organs off the windshield. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Best sellers "Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe "Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia "Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss "Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum "Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover "How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner "I Got Away With Murder"....by Scott Free "Winning Big".....by Jack Potts "Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech "I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Sunday morning an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old biker assured the preacher he would. The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back t o our church." "I did," replied the old biker. " "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I asked my eight-year-old nephew when he visited our farm during the week with his mom why he wasn't in school. "We have a holiday all week," he said, and then added, frowning, "I think they call it a Teachers' Invention." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DRIVE BUY My daughter and son-in-law were at a restaurant atop a multistorey hotel in Interlaken, Switzerland. It was an ideal spot to view the city and surroundings, and also to watch the antics of the local hang-gliding enthusiasts. Patrons were startled, however, to notice one glider carrying two people zooming perilously close to the building. Just as they skimmed by, one of them called out in English, "Two teas, please!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man's head. The man politely offered the seat but sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon. Suddenly the man felt dropping something on his head. He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was licking and dropping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He felt the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, "Pickles, ay?" The old lady replied, "No, no, puppies, dear!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** For most men there are three stages of hair: parted, unparted and departed. ~ Statistics show that American workers labor the first three hours of every day just to pay their taxes. That must be why we can't get anything done in the morning... we're government workers! ~ Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law. ~ An open mind is wonderful if a matching mouth doesn't go with it. ~ Age is just a number- you are as old as you feel. Today I feel 90 (Monday morning reality of new work week). ~ When your automobile engine develops a knock, chances are it's opportunity knocking for your mechanic. ~ Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them, and psychiatrists collect the rent. ~ The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner." "Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done." ~ My dog is so lazy that he waits for another one to bark and then just nods his head! ~ The only exercise some people get is when their electric toothbrushes break down. ~ Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money. ~ Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?" Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter." Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!" Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother." ~ BUMPER STICKER If this sticker is getting smaller, the light is probably green. ~ Q: What kind of gum do bees chew? A: Bumble gum ~ "I talk to myself a lot, but it bothers some people because I use a megaphone." Steven Wright ~ OOPS An absent-minded professor of biology said to his class: "I have in this sack, an excellent specimen of a frog that I dissected." When he opened the sack he pulled out a sanwich and a cupcake. "Strange," he said, "I think I have already eaten lunch." ~ A wise person knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody. ~ EVER WONDER Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? ~ Something's wrong when kids run wild and dogs are sent to obedience school. ~ Q: Why do barbers make good drivers? A: Because they know all the short cuts. ~ Dr. Seuss was once amused to receive a curious letter from an eight-year-old reader: Dear Dr. Seuss, You sure thunk up a lot of funny books. You sure thunk up a million funny animals... Who thunk you up, Dr. Seuss? ~ Q. Why isn't your nose 12 inches long? A. Because then it would be a foot. ~ Q. How do fish travel to work? A. In a carp pool. ~ Q. Why didn't the frog sit on the toad stool? A. There wasn't mushroom. ~ Q. How do you cut a wave? A. With a sea saw. ~ Q. Why did Sally put sugar in her pillow? A. So she would have sweet dreams. ~ Q. Why are garden flowers so lazy? A. Because they are always in beds. ~ Q. How do you find your way around a dark castle? A. Use a knight light. ~ Q. Who has the right of way when 4 vehicles approach a 4-way stop sign at the same time? A. The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people, I do.' ~ Q. Where did the tree trimmer apply for a loan? A. At the branch office. ~ Q. Why are movie stars so cool? A. Because they have many fans. ~ Q. What washes up on small beaches? A. Microwaves. ~ Q. What is the difference betwee mass and weight? A. Mass is where Catholics go on Sundays. Weight is where sundaes go on Catholics. ~ My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire." ~ I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door - the mice throw themselves in the traps. ~ Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law." **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** No signs today &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****  Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill. **** ON THIS DAY **** A Mountain of Laundry My husband and I became foster parents after we had been married for two years. Our first placement was two little boys, brothers, who we adopted after they were with us for eighteen months. When our boys were two and three, we were asked to take one and three-year-old sisters into our home. For the following two years we had our own little in-house, full-time daycare. After the girls had been with us for about six months, I attempted to get involved in a Bible study group at our church. One thing or another always seemed to prevent me from attending. I was feeling a little discouraged, but I'd purchased devotional tapes and a study guide and thought I could keep up with the Bible study by myself at home. One afternoon, after I'd put the children down for their naps, I tackled a mountain of laundry that had piled up on the sofa and needed folding. As I was folding, I began discussing my plight with the Lord. "You know, Lord, I've started attending this Bible study and I'm trying to find time for You and everything I need to do, but I just can't seem to find any time. I've tried getting up before daylight, but one of the kids always hears me and gets up wanting my attention and by bedtime I'm exhausted. I guess I could do them during naptime, but that's the only time I have to get caught up with the housework.mainly the laundry. I seem to be able to keep up with most everything but this laundry! Well, I guess You know all about it. You gave me all of these little kids to care for and You know they need clean clothes to wear. You know how much work this takes and I know You understand." The following Sunday my husband and I were sitting in Sunday School class waiting for the teacher to begin, when our family's adopted grandmother, Betty, came and sat down beside me. Betty is a widow who has raised five children. She's a wonderful woman who's always helping someone, and had personally blessed our family on many occasions, but I was totally unprepared for what she had to say on that particular day! She leaned toward me and said, "I have a proposition for you." My curiosity was aroused. "O.K., what is it?" I answered back. She sweetly and softly replied, "I really think this is the Lord, but would you let me do your laundry?" As I sat gaping at her with my mouth hanging open, my mind was racing trying to think who could I have told about my laundry situation. I knew I hadn't mentioned it to anyone, not even my husband, Rodney. "Do you know how much laundry I have?" I whispered back as my eyes started to fill. "Honey, I've raised five children and I know how much laundry you have," was her response. Then she continued, "You know, what you and your husband are doing raising these little children is wonderful, but I know it's hard work. I'm an old woman and I don't watch other people's children anymore, but I can do your laundry. You just have Rodney drop it off on his way to work, and pick it up on his way home. I'll wash it, dry it, iron it, fold it; whatever is needed." Shame on me, because the whole time she was speaking, I was thinking, "Oh, Lord, not the underwear! I can't send our underwear to someone else to do!" Betty was still talking, "Last week I noticed you up on the platform during praise and worship and you looked very tired. I was thinking about you all week and then I felt the Lord telling me to, `Ask Ronni if she'll let you do her laundry,'" then she finished with, "Now, don't you rob me of this blessing!" At the time I didn't know how to respond. Not wanting to hurt Betty's feelings, I let her know I would think about her offer. Even though I had poured out my heart about how difficult it was to keep up and how I missed my devotional time with Him, I was unprepared for God to actually do something about it. He had given me the task of caring for these little ones and I was a little put out that He'd taken me seriously when I said I was having trouble keeping up. So I thought, "If I just get a little more organized, I can take care of this myself." As I walked in and surveyed the laundry room a couple of weeks later, I sagged against the washer. The mountain of laundry hadn't diminished a bit with my efforts to take care of things myself. As a matter of fact, it was now bigger than ever. "Well, Lord," I said, "I guess I could send everything but the underwear." Very clearly, I heard that still small voice say, "When I ask you for your dirty laundry, I want all of it, even the underwear." That's when I broke. That mountain of laundry now represented the mountain of pride in my life. Who was I to look disdainfully on a gift offered in love? As I picked up the phone my eyes were filling with tears and when I heard sweet little Betty's voice on the other end, my own voice shook as I said, "Betty, do you still want to help me with my laundry?" My tears quickly turned to laughter at her ready response of, "Bring it on over, Honey, bring it on over!" Our clothes were never cleaner, brighter, or less wrinkled than during the almost two years that Betty faithfully and lovingly did our laundry. Then when our little foster daughters were placed in their "forever home" through adoption, we both knew it was time for me to resume the task, and although she no longer does our laundry, our friendship remains strong. She laughed one day when I told her I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. I still do. ~A MountainWings Original by subscriber Ronni Wintermote, from Aberdeen, WA~ ~~~~~ Take Hold of Every Moment. A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package: "This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package." He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box. "She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral home, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said: "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion". I still think those words changed my life. Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything. I spend more time with my family, and less at work. I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, ifI feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listenor do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come. I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters that I wanted to write "One of this days". I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my siblings and children, not times enough at least, how much I love them. Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject Line--- The Funnies &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** ON THIS DATE IN COUNTRY MUSIC HISTORY: Fiddlin??™ Doc Roberts born Madison County, KY 1897. Cecil Null, songwriter, born East War, WV 1927. Johnny Mosby, "Johnny & Joni Mosby" born Fort Smith, AR 1933. Duane Eddy born Corning, NY 1938. Ernest Tubb recorded "Walking the Floor over You" 1941. He
recorded Roy Acuff and the Smokey Mountain Boys, rejoined the Grand Ole
Opry, Eddy Arnold??™s "Anytime" topped the charts 1948. Hank Williams made his only network television appearance, on
the Kate Martha Carson joined the Grand Ole Opry 1952. Carl Perkins topped the charts with "Blue Suede Shoes" 1956. Roy Orbison??™s 28th birthday party was held three days late in
1964. Johnny Cash??™s "Understand Your Man" was the #1 song 1964. Jay DeMarcus "Rascal Flatts" born 1971. Jerry Lee Lewis??™ "Chantilly Lace" went to #1 in 1972. Buck Owens recorded "Ain??™t It Amazing, Gracie" 1972. Jessi Colter??™s #1 country hit "I??™m Not Lisa" charted on
Billboard??™s B.J. Thomas had the longest title of a #1 song at the top of the
"Billboard" Dottie West??™s single "A Lesson In Leavin" went to #1 in 1980. K. T. Oslin??™s "I??™ll Always Come Back" topped the charts 1988. Wesley Rose, age 72, music executive, died 1990. Inducted CMHF 1986. Johnny Cash released his album "American Recordings" 1994. Pam Tillis??™ album "Sweetheart??™s Dance" certified platinum by the RIAA 1995. Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE: 1948 Anytime - Eddy Arnold1956 Blue Suede Shoes - Carl Perkins1964 Understand Your Man - Johnny Cash1972 Chantilly Lace - Jerry Lee Lewis1980 A Lesson in Leavin??™ - Dottie West1988 I??™ll Always Come Back - K.T. Oslin
Aztec Casserole Frozen Peach Yogurt Pie **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why does gargling with salt help a sore
throat? I've often wondered,
when the inventor of the drawing board made mistakes, what did he go back
to? Drawing Hand Adolescence is the age when a child feels his parents |
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