From Carlisle
,Indiana
Welcome to 
The Almost Daily Funnies
WEDNESDAY APRIL 27,2005
ERIKA JO EDGES OUT JASON MEADOWS TO BECOME THE NEW NASHVILLE
STAR
HTTP://NASHVILLESTAR.YAHOO.COM
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
If God had meant us
to travel tourist class,
he would have made us narrower.
Welcome New
Subscribers
While reviewing math
symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a
less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what
these mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his
hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means
rewind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 11-year-old nephew, Adam, was taking
bagpipe lessons. Although he had been enthusiastic at first, my sister,
Jennifer, was soon reminding him to practice. But then, much to her delight, she
noticed that he began spending several hours a week practicing diligently in his
room in the basement with the door closed. As Jennifer was going upstairs one
evening, she was pleased to hear the familiar screeching and wailing sounds
coming from Adam's room. Until, that is, she met him on the stairs. He had
forgotten to turn his tape recorder
off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police car pulled me over near
the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and
registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others
hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the
officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I
was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile,
and left without giving me a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASONS YOUR PET WOULD MAKE A GOOD LAWYER
Your dog already has
a lot of practice yapping continuously for hours.
Ferrets are already
members of the weasel family.
She may look like a cocker spaniel, but
during cross-examination she becomes a real pit bull.
If you're willing
to drink from a toilet, you'll do whatever it takes to win a
case.
Objections impossible to overrule when using "puppy dog
eyes."
Despite mountains of implicating evidence, the cat still has that
"what are you getting at?" look.
If there's anything that commands fear
and respect, it's a parakeet in an Italian-cut suit.
PLEASE.......Don't insult my dog. -Jb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tony, having his second son christened,
was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you, please, name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly,"
answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this,"
replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you added "AS"
and wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.' This boy I want to name
Jack."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small
children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class,
where we'd have more room for our infant.
"They probably don't allow
babies in first class," I said.
"On the contrary," a nearby flight
attendant jokingly confided to us. "ALL our first-class passengers are
babies."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son, Barry Pryor, is a Freshman World
History teacher in high school. Yesterday they were discussing the funeral of
the Pope. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.
Barry said "The
Cardinals pick him".
A student in the back of class, very serious, said
"Why would they let a baseball team pick the next
Pope"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a long trip and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife, Mrs. Ericsson made him complain
to the city officials. The local leader apologized for the omission, saying, "I
must have taken Leif off my census."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Am I using my computer too
much?
I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your
shopping cart
and you're one click away from check-out!"
I told my
daughter, "Ctrl+X your attitude young lady!"
I challenged a co-worker,"If
you don't believe me,just Google it!"
My uncle was having a mid-life
crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful??”
when you reformat, important files
can get lost."
When my wife reminded me to do something for the tenth
time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to download".
Probably-Jb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it
to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct
the High Holiday service better than the temple??™s cantor.
When the big
moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the
bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think
of the odds we??™ll get on Yom Kippur!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:
Judge:
I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do
I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you
might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your
bookie.
~
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you
get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your
purse?
Victim: Yes, I
saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have
shot you while I had the chance.
~
Judge: The charge here is theft of
frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy
who stole the chickens.
~
Law Judge: Is there any reason you could not
serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job
that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I
don't want them to know it.
~
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness:
I didn't see any fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I
went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
around and changed
partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow
hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled a knife
and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed,
and the air was filled with
yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the
fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel.
~
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant:
Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand
for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name -
not a thing.
~
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.
Have you anything to
say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual
thirstiness?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***
Quickies ****
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something you've forgotten?
~
Q: And where was the location of the
accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost
499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
~
Q: Did you blow a horn
or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I
played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
~
Q: So the date of
conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you
doing at that time?
~
Q: You say the stairs went down to the
basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
~
Q: How
was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was
it terminated?
~
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q:
What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
~
Hospitality is making your
guests feel at home,
even if you wish they were.
~
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't
even have the decency to thank her."
W. C. Fields
**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
****
A car burglar in Fresno must have been having
a really bad night.
In an attempt to swipe some goodies from the trunk
of his intended
target, the bungling burglar managed to lock himself in
it. He was
finally rescued by police after a security guard heard him
banging from
the inside. The suspect was taken to the hospital and treated
for minor
cuts and scrapes before being hauled off to jail and booked for
two
counts of theft. Too bad there??™s not a law against stupid. ??“
KESQ
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
A Romanian
man who invited women for romantic meals at expensive restaurants before running
off, has been arrested.
Police say that 23-year-old lured dozens of women. He
was finally caught after restaurant owners were issued with a police artist
sketch of his face.
Fifteen women have so far come forward to officially
register a complaint against 'Romeo' who was well dressed with expensive suits
when he approached them in bars and clubs to invite them for a "romantic
meal".
"He was always generous with the order, he would demand the best wines
and told his female guest to have whatever she wanted," a police spokesperson
said.
"But in every case, he would say he had to make an important phone call
on a cellphone and needed to go outside where reception was better, and then
would simply vanish. In three cases, he even "borrowed' the girls' phone to make
the call and disappeared with that as well."
JUST A CHEAP
CROOK - NOT EVEN A
SIGN
A Lancaster driver returned to his car one day and found that the
lock had frozen. Being a non-smoker he had neither matches nor lighter to
defrost it, so he went down on his hands and knees and breathed on it hoping
that his warm breath would do the trick, it didn't. Instead he became stuck to
the lock for twenty minutes!
JUST DUMB -
NO SIGN
A 51 year old company director was
relaxing at home one evening while his wife was in the kitchen preparing their
supper a fine six pound pike that her husband had caught six hours earlier on a
fishing trip. Suddenly, he heard his wife scream. He ran into the kitchen and
found her crying and trying to staunch a wound on her arm. The pike had bitten
her as she lifted it up to clean it
HERE'S
YOUR SIGN
In the 1930's a Canadian angler fishing in one
of the many Canadian lakes was delighted when he landed an extraordinarily large
Pike. He duly dispatched it with his heavy stick and laid it down on the bank
besides his shotgun. Unfortunately, the fish was not properly dead. It began to
thrash about and its tail caught on the trigger. The gun went off sending the
angler to the happy hunting ground in the sky.
NO
SIGN - JUST WINGS
Little Gregory was a healthy baby boy. EVERYTHING about him was
normal. When he was thirteen months old, he had to be taken into hospital for a
hernia operation. Doctors discovered that his penis was in fact an enlarged
piece of a little girls identity and Gregory was actually a
girl!
ABSOLUTELY
SPEECHLESS
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****
Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
A big shot business man had to spend a couple
of days in the
hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he
bossed
them around just like he did his employees.
None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do
with him. The head nurse was the
only one who could stand up
to him. She came into his room and announced, "I
have to take
your temperature."
After complaining for several
minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use
an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end.
After feeling the
nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get
something. Now you stay JUST LIKE
THAT until I get back!"
She leaves
the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he
hears people walking past his
door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's
doctor comes
into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor
confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation
anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Personal Note from Doc...... In order
to do my part for the Enviornment,
I had my wife walk the twenty-seven miles
to work today. And, just to
make sure she was safe, I followed her in my
SUV.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Cool Links
****
Some "Clones"
http://www.oldfordstuff.com/clones/
Spellchecker
http://www.iespell.com/
Kens Kounters for Pagebuilder
http://community-2.webtv.net/kdine/kounters/index.html
Annoyances.Org Tips for Windows
Beginners
http://www.annoyances.org/exec/show/beginner
PianoLadyNancy w/I'll Leave The Light On
http://www.pianoladynancy.com/lighton.htm
Erma Bombeck's Museum - A Celebration
http://www.ermamuseum.org/home.asp
****
ON THIS DAY ****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or
Comments
jokes or stories
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it
clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The
Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Erika Jo
Heriges Wins 3rd Nashville Star
Jason Meadows Runner-Up
Nashville, TN Apr
26, 2005 Erika Jo was announced as the winner Nashville Star tonight live
from the Bellsouth Acuff Theater in Nashville, TN. She becomes the third winner
of this television competition series that produced Buddy Jewell and Brad
Cotter.
The first episode with the ten finalists aired March 1. Lee Ann Rimes
hosted this year's season, with the exception of two episodes due to a vocal
cord injury. Sara Evans filled in those shows for Rimes, which returned tonight
and seemed to be recovering well after suffering a broken blood vessel in her
vocal cords. Cledus T. Judd also provided commentary through out the season as a
co-host.
Jason Meadows took second place in the competition,
after Jody Evans left the show early in the evening. The final show also
featured all ten of the finalist, including special guest performers Big &
Rich and Cowboy Troy.
The winner was selected through viewer voting, which took place each
week of the series. Three judges, Brett Michaels, Anastasia Brown, and Phil
Vassar provided commentary and advice, but did not actually have a vote in the
competition.
Erika Jo, 18 years old from Mt. Juliet, TN receives a recording
contract with Universal- South Records in which was made official in a press
release sent out 12 minutes after the show concluded on the USA Network. Along
with the recording contract, she also will have the high honor of performing on
the Grand Ole Opry. Erika Jo was also given a brand new 2005 Chevy Silverado SS,
a sponsor of Nashvile Star, at the end of the show.
Erika Jo's debut single, "I Break Things," written by Wade Kirby and
Monty Criswell, and performed during the finale, was made available for
immediate radio airplay by digital download to radio stations.
ON THIS DATE IN COUNTRY MUSIC
HISTORY:
Jimmie Skinner born Blue Lick, KY
1909.
Sydney Nathan founder of King Records born Cincinnati,
OH 1927.
Tommy Hill, artist/songwriter/A&R man/record label
owner, wrote
"Slowly" and"Teddy Bear,"
born near Coy City, TX 1929.
Maxine Brown born Sampti, LA 1931.
Herb Pedersen, singer/songwriter/session-musician, born
Berkley, CA 1944.
Bob Wills recorded "Faded Love,"
1950.
Ricky Nelson released "I??™m Walkin,"
1957.
The Everly Brothers appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show
1958.
Ray Charles??™ single "Take These Chains From My Heart"
charted 1963.
The Opryland USA theme park debuted in Nashville, TN
1971.
Tom T. Hall recorded "Willy The Wandering Gypsy And Me"
1972.
Waylon Jennings??™ "This Time," charted
1974.
Charlie Rich??™s albums "Very Special Love Songs" and
"There Won??™t
Be Anymore" were #1 and #2
on the country album charts 1974.
Denver Darling, age 72, singer/songwriter, died
1981.
Mercury Records released Harley Allen??™s album "Another
River" 1996.
Trisha Yearwood was on hand as officials in Monticello,
Georgia
renamedhighway 83N, "Trisha
Yearwood Parkway" in 2001.
Hillous Buel Butram, age 74, died in Nashville 2002.
Butram was a staff
musician at the Grand
Ole Opry by the age of 16.
Edward L. Gaylord, age 83, chairman of Gaylord
Entertainment, died in
Oklahoma City, OK
2003.
An unidentified person threw a brick, from an Interstate
overpass, striking
the front windshield
of Joe Diffie??™s tour bus. The window was
shattered,
however there were no
injuries reported to the police 2004.
Loretta Lynn released her album "Van Lear Rose"
2004.
Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html
ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE:
1949
Candy
Kisses - George Morgan
1957
Gone -
Ferlin Husky
1965
This is
It - Jim Reeves
1973
Superman
- Donna Fargo
1981
A Headache
Tomorrow (Or a Heartache Tonight) - Mickey Gilley
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
How are jigsaw puzzles
made?
Jigsaw-puzzle
manufacturing is a fairly straightforward process.
Here are the
basics:
1. An image is enlarged with an printer.
2. The image is
run through a glue machine, then fixed to cardboard background.
3. The
cardboard is then placed on a cutting die.
4. The image and the cutting
die are run through a press.
5. The cutting die, a sharp metal lattice,
cuts through the image to create the pieces.
Jigsaw puzzles originated in
the 1760s, when Europeans pasted maps onto wood blocks, then cut them up for
educational purposes.
Recreational jigsaw puzzles came into popularity at
the turn of the 20th century, but it wasn't until the Great Depression that they
truly became mass entertainment. The reason? They were a cheap diversion from
the travails of everyday life.
****
WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
Weather Summary:
Fair
and cold weather for Tuesday night. Wednesday will be a day with
lots of
clouds and below normal temperatures with highs only in the
50`s. The next
storm heads our way for Thursady. The day should start
dry but rain will
develop by afternoon or evening. There will be yet
another rain maker for
Friday - Sunday morning. Between the two systems,
there could be some heavy
rain. Below normal temperatures will remain
right through the weekend and
the start of next week.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Summary:
The
reports of some very small hail on Tuesday was because of cold
temperatures
aloft (colder than normal at about 5,000 - 10,000 feet).
This cause some
small hail with the aftrenoon rain we got, so severe
weather happened with
it/
Tuesday NIght
Fair and Cold
Low 38
Wednesday
Mostly Cloudy
High 57
Wednesday Night
Mostly Cloudy
Low 40
Thursday
Rain Developing
High 58
Low 40
Friday
Rain
High 62
Low 42
Saturday
Showers
High 62
Low 45
Sunday
Early Showers Possible
High 62
Low 42
Monday
Partly Sunny
High 57
Low 37
Tuesday
Mostly Cloudy
High
62
Low 42
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
Whenever a
politician in office humbly refers to himself
as a public servant, I reach
for my wallet to see if it's still
in my pocket.
TOON TIME
LAST CALL Y'ALL
While waiting to
register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a
king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms
available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know.
We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years." "Could you possibly put them
close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and
someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request
with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch
him."
"People who live in glass houses should use their
neighbors bathrooms."
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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GOD BLESS AMERICA
~
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Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004
Can-Spam act you
can contact me with question or
comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net
or
Jim
Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521
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REMEMBER
THE
COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
God Bless America , Our
Land , Forever May She
Stand
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