From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to  
The Almost Daily Funnies

THURSDAY APRIL 28,2005

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume
knob also turns to the left.

Welcome New Subscribers
Deer Prayer
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of
hunting season.
Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you
said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The 212-year-old New York Stock Exchange is merging with an
all-electronic company so it will become high speed with faster
trades. This way, instead of waiting hours, you'll be able to lose
their money within seconds."  --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to
show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close
and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman
immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a
policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any
questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which
she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and
would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When
the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such
a thing?" asked the woman. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your
left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you." "OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis
bracelet?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Environmental Protection Agency plans to shut down over 20,000
gas stations around the country for failing to meet the deadline
requiring that rest rooms be cleaned at least once every 10 years.

"We gave them an entire decade to take care of a fes- tering
health hazard that potentially can be more deadly than biological
weapons of warfare and many of these stations ignored our rules,"
said Stumpy Peterson, an EPA spokeswoman.

The Service Station Dealers of America are disputing the
requirements as "unreasonable."

"The government is not taking into account all the work our
employees do such as monitoring people as they pump their own gas
and wash their own windshields.

They simply don't have time to scrub toilets," said an association
spokesman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My family wanted to do something to honor my nephew, a Ranger with the Army's 101st Airborne, who had been sent to Iraq. So, with the help of her four-year-old grandson, Chandler, my sister tied a yellow ribbon on the tree in her front yard.

"Why are we doing this, Grandma?" Chandler asked.

"It's for your uncle," she said.

As he watched his grandmother attach the bow, Chandler remarked quietly, "A tree's not much of a present."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out of the mouth of babes!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A small child in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After hunting around the house, two children have found their Easter baskets and are enjoying them. Soon one asks, "Who colored all these eggs?"

To which his sister replied, "The Easter bunny."

"Who gave us the jelly beans?"

"The Easter bunny."

"And the chocolate rabbits?"

"The Easter bunny."

Obviously, there was nothing beyond the reach of the Easter bunny.

The family attended Easter services and heard the preacher say, "They came to the tomb and saw that the stone had been rolled back. Who could have done this?"

To which the little boy jumped up in the pew and said... "The Easter Bunny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping
quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to
know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While
I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that
some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at
night," he said. "No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever
said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Microsoft introduced the new XP Operating system, they took a closer look at the mouse.

Test results showed that many women are having trouble using today's mouse. For the female target group a new mouse has been developed, with the most important criteria being feel, comfort and ergonomics.

After the first prototype was created, male focus groups were polled to ensure that nobody was being discriminated against.

The male groups did not show any concerns and even voiced that after viewing a woman using the new mouse it seemed very natural and practical.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding
a list. "Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and
I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
scavenger hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when
a rough-looking little kid stopped him and asked, "Sir, can
you tell me the time?"

The gentleman carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,
removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is
a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can
kiss my foot!"

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry,
the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not
been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running to like a maniac?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man
said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told
him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly
three, I should kiss his foot!"

"So what's your hurry," said the friend, looking at his own watch. "You
still have twelve minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son
while pregnant with my second child. To kill some time, I began to watch
the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came
home to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of
the TV. "So this is what you do while I'm working?" he said, smirking.
"It just happened to be on TV," I lied. The next evening we were
watching Bush's inauguration. As Bush stepped out of his limousine and
waved to reporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy! He won the car!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an
attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous
representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called
a mirror."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired.

When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when
they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

"A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president,"
"A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver." Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said
to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So
when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am not sure if President Bush fully grasps the economic issue. Like he was asked today if he has any plans to make the dollar stronger? And he said we were thinking of making it two-ply."
Jay Leno 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 ODD NEWS REPORTS.....

"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for
pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be
$1.50."

"The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as
the dead man was crossing the intersection."

"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to
purchase a stomach pump."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tammy had a wedding to attend and needed a wedding gift.

"Aha", she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding
that I never use.  I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him
remove my monogram and put hers on it.  Voila, one cheap wedding
present. Am I smart, or what?!"

So Tammy takes the tray to the silversmith and asks him to remove her
monogram and put the new one on.  The silversmith examins the tray
carefully, shakes his head and says. . . .

      "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"


**** Quickies ****
Jill: What did your ex do that bothered you most?

Mary: Hmmm!  He did lots of things, but I guess the worst was
being careless about his appearance.

Jill: Really?

Mary: Yeah, sometimes he wouldn't appear for days.
~

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me.
She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise.
It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."
~
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on
their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see
one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you
bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a
mother?"
~
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he
decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a
really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
"Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why
didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much
trouble," came the reply.
 

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
On Easter Sunday, 62 year-old William Berkeyheiser was shot dead
as he answered the door of his Philadelphia apartment.  At a news
conference yesterday, Bucks County DA Diane Gibbons announced they
finally got their man in the heinous crime, 29 year-old Stanford
Douglas.  Douglas apparently confessed to murdering Berkeyheiser
because of a 7-year grudge he held against the man for - get this -
telling a bad joke.  Douglas even went as far as to hire a private
investigator to track Berkeyheiser down.  Prosecutors say Douglas
won't elaborate on the joke, only that the racial overtones it
contained offended him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Jeez!  this should be a wake-up call to
all us joke zine editors.  Telling bad jokes is our business!
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID





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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

       **** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****        
Bagogi
3 lbs. beef rump roast, sliced thin
(ask your meat cutter to cut the
roast as thin as they can)
4 garlic cloves, minced
Small bunch of green onions, chopped
1/2 cup soy sauce
1 to 1-1/2 cups sugar
1 tsp. sesame oil

Cut beef into bite-size pieces. In a large bowl combine all
ingredients. After adding a cup of sugar, taste adding more to suit
your family (this recipe is a sweet meat). Allow to stand for 30
minutes. Cook in large skillet on stove until meat is cooked. Serve
over rice.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

According to aromatherapy, what is the most relaxing scent?

  While we couldn't come up with one absolute answer, we did find some smells that may soothe your stressed or tired nose.

Aromatherapy is the practice of using essential plant oils to improve one's psychological and physical well-being. There's little scientific support for this therapy, but some people find comfort in using natural scents. Aromatherapists and related businesses seem to have slightly different ideas on which essential oils to use for specific ailments.

One scent that kept coming up in our searches as being very relaxing is lavender. This flowering plant has been used for centuries in medicinal concoctions. It's a common ingredient in products aimed at relaxation and stress relief, such as pillows, bath oils, and lotions. Lavender is also a popular scent to use on clothing so the smell lingers with you for long-term soothing. Other frequently recommended scents for stress relief and relaxation include chamomile, ylang ylang, clary sage, bergamot, frankincense, and sandalwood.

However, the ultimate relaxing scent will vary from person to person. Aromatherapists point out that a person's own memories and associations with an aroma can have a positive or negative effect. If a despised teacher always smelled of lavender, you may find the scent unappealing. So you might start with your personal favorite scents when looking for a relaxing aroma.


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
Weather Summary:
A dry and cool night Wednesday night. A storm system (fairly weak) will
bring showers back on Thursday. Showers will develop as the day wears
on. Showers will taper off Thursday night. This will not bring any heavy
rain or storms with it. A stronger storm heads our way for Friday -
Saturday. The rain will pick up in intensity by late Friday and some
t-storms are possible by Friday night. The rain will taper off later on
Saturday and cool temperatures will stick around for the weekend. There
may be a few showers by next Monday with still well below normal temps.
We don`t see any above normal weather for the next several days.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
The last five days have been 11.3 degrees BELOW normal!

Wednesday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 42

Thursday
Showers Developing
High 60

Thursday Night
Scattered Showers
Low 47

Friday
Showers Developing, T-Storms Possible Late
High 63
Low 47

Saturday
Showers
High 58
Low 48

Sunday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 60
Low 40

Monday
Showers and Cool
High 57
Low 37

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 60
Low 40

Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 65
Low 46


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Pity poor old George Washington. He couldn't blame
his troubles on the previous administration.

TOON TIME

Sunshine State
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41228.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41228.htm ">  Here!</a>

MeWow
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41227.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41227.htm ">  Here!</a>

Proud
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41226.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41226.htm ">  Here!</a>

Agoraphobics Convention
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/064.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/064.htm"> Here </a>

Dyslexics Convention
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/065.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/065.htm"> Here </a>

Updated For The 90's
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny190.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny190.html">Here!</a>

Mug
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41231.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41231.htm ">  Here!</a>

Shedding
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41230.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41230.htm ">  Here!</a>

Mission Impossible
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41229.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41229.htm ">  Here!</a>

The Best A Man Can Get...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/008.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/008.htm"> Here </a>

Microsoft Yap For Women...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/009.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/009.htm"> Here </a>

Bad Hair Day?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny189.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny189.html">Here!</a>



LAST CALL Y'ALL
For Mother's Day, Jeannie had put considerable effort into buying something very special for her mother, Bess. She had carefully put together the cost of an image consultation gift certificate out of her first few paychecks. On the appointed day, this young daughter brought her shy plain mother to my studio.

During the makeover, Bess confessed that she had concentrated on her family for years and ignored herself.

As I placed colors close to her face, she began to blossom, though she didn't seem to realize it. After applying the finishing touches, I invited her to view herself in the big mirror. She took a long look, as if she were surveying a stranger, then edged closer and closer to her image. Finally staring open-mouthed, she touched the mirror lightly. "Jeannie" she motioned "come here." Drawing her daughter beside her, she pointed toward the image. "Jeannie, look at me, I'm beautiful!"

The young woman smiled at her mother in the mirror with tears in her eyes. "Yes Mother, you have always been - beautiful."

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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521
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THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
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