THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

Welcome New Subscribers

We say good by to an old friend
Covered Bridge Fire - Bridgeton 4-25-2005
http://www.angelfire.com/tn/southportcavers/bridge.html

I fished under this bridge way back when I was a kid.
My thanks to my buddy BaBs for the link

80,000 blondes meet in the  Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes
Are Not Stupid" Convention.

 The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that
blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

 A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage.

 The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

 After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

 Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start
cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

 The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting
80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global
broadcast
 media here, gee, uh, I guess we can    give her another chance."

 So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

 After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

 The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets  out a dejected
sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the
80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER
ANOTHER  CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

 The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"Four?"


Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all  80,000 girls jump
to
 their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and    scream... "Give
her
 another chance! Give her another chance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning
and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to
entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she
phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," he explained. "And I bought a book on how to
get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the
shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn
book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult. We
attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to
the rest of the team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we
knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was
greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse
me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?" In a thick English accent,
the woman replied, "Earth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the
back giggling and disturbing people. He interrupted his sermon about
halfway through, and announced sternly and very loud: "There are two of
you here
who have not heard a word I've said."       That quieted them
down.       When the service was over, he went out to greet people at
the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in
church, promising it would never happen again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The latest thing in cosmetic surgery is called a 'thread lift.'

They say instead of a full face lift, they actually insert a plastic
thread underneath your face and then they pull it back, so it's like a
mini-face lift.

That's great --  until somebody sees the loose thread on your face,
pulls it, and your whole face unravels! ~Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden
near a convent when a passerby stopped to
inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.

"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from
a disease peculiar to this area known as the
black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby,
anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking......
.and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther
away...... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida.......?????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.

"Still employed," he answered.
~
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.

That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
~
Herman
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man,
was drafted bythe US Army.
On his first day in basic training the army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon theArmy dentist removed seven of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been lookingfor Herman for 51 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**** Quickies ****
Q: What did the blonde librarian say to the badly-injured
pedestrian she ran over while driving the Bookmobile, as he
lay on the street, screaming in agony?
A: "Shhhhhhhhhh!"
~
I'm not too sure about the accountant I hired to do my taxes.
After he finished filling out my tax return, he wiped his
fingerprints off the pen.
~
Among life's mysteries is how a person can gain five
pounds by eating a two-pound box of candy.
~
The positive side about having a beer belly.

- You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.

- It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.

- It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.

- Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever
be thrown  free of the earth into deep space.

- Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.
~
According to a report, there are some people who are not
happy with the choice of the new pope.

In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker
on their car that said "Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney."


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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****


A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction
for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab
it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given,
so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given,
and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as
the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. but,
man, those roots were really deep!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Cool Links ****
A little history,
This article was on the story page of my website for years.
It was the very first article I ran in my first edition of The Funnies on Feburary
22, 2000.Thanks for sending it BaBs

A Thousand Marbles
http://llerrah.com/thousandmarbles.htm

**** ON THIS DAY ****
Rosie O'Donnell says no to David Letterman
'Late Show' appearance