From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to  
The Almost Daily Funnies

WEDNESDAY MAY 4,2005

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Marriage is like the army.
Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at
how many re-enlist.

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license
may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport
(non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The
use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse.
If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead
attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should
proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have
a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the
purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless
there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HONEST ATTORNERY????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The high school coaches in Chicago, Illinois went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with
Coach Daryl though, because he snored so bad.

They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they vote to take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes down to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess, and eyes all bloodshot.

The other coaches say, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Geez, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn.  In the morning, same
thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot....

They all say, "Man, what happened to you?  You look awful!"

He says, "Gads, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night
long!"

The third night was Frank's turn.  Frank was a big burly ex-football
player-looking type of a man's man.  Next morning, he comes down to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning everyone!"

They can't believe it! They say, "Hey! What happened?"

He said, "Well, Daryl and I got ourselves ready for bed.  Then I went
over and tucked Daryl into his bed and kissed him good night.

        Heh heh heh. . . .he watched me all night long."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the birds
Each evening bird lover Bill stood in his backyard
hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called
back to him.

For a year, Bill and his feathered friend hooted back
and forth. Bill even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as Bill thought he was on the verge of a
breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife
had a chat with next door neighbor, Tammy.

"My husband spends his nights...calling out to owls,"
said Bills wife.

"That's odd," Tammy replied. "So does my Doug."

Then it dawned on them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BLONDE
Velma was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The
ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been
found in the area.

Velma exclaimed, "Wow -- I can't believe the dinosaurs would come
this close to the highway!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from
the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?"
and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be
along when available. George said,! "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago Because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police
caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I
thought you said That you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 I LOVE IT...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. As she was getting on in
years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

However, she had never even been out of the country. So she began by
going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would
take to have a passport issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk.
"Raise your right hand, please."

The old lady raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against
all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" asked the clerk.

The little old lady's face paled. She asked in a small voice, "Uh...
all by myself?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


New Fuel Gauge For Todays Gas Prices
Swiped fromJill??¦
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.

 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic.  It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package.
Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning
Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard.  The only thing that
can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items.  Slicker than pig phlegm.
Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea
Dora to be removed by hand.  Strangely enough, an integral part of these
sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the
hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when
you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter.  Real
mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so
they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward.  (Some, of
course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack
wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
Lost Frendle Pins.

 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire.  Smack corroded
battery terminals.  Pound out a dent.  Bop nosy know-it-all types on the
noodle.  Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone.  This is the only tool with which
a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and
wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
version to the auto parts market.  Fifteen zip ties can transform a
hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
harness.  Of course, it works both ways.  When buying used cars,
subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee.
Let's admit it.  There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.  This is also the
tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.  If you break
the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said
- who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.  Like duct tape, it's
not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
never replace it with the right thing again.  Bailing wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and
flathead Ford set.

 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
you separate tie-ends?  Once every decade, if you're lucky.  Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.  Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie rod ends
in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:  (See #1 above.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a truly shocking story...
Steroid use among young girls in on the rise.
Girls as young as nine are taking steroids.
Can you imagine?
Remember when little girls were 'sugar and spice and
everything nice'?
Now they're 'strong as a bear with facial hair.' - Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rerun, Pix missing yesterday

THE NEXT TIME YA GET A HAMBURGER AT McD'S JUST REMEMBER THIS.

At McDonald's, we love to see you smile!
~~~~~~~~~~~Blondie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three
year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?? "No," he replied. I just
KNEW that he must have had a worse accident. So, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!"  While 30 people nearly choked to death on there tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why aren't there any white M&Ms???

A: Because they would enslave the black M&Ms, steal
all the red M&Ms' land, hunt the blue M&Ms to
extinction, accuse the yellow M&Ms of obstructing
trade, start a panic that the little green M&Ms were
invading  Earth, and complain that the brown M&Ms were
taking all their jobs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's some great advice from kids.... (maybe one of yours?)


Never trust a dog to watch your food.

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Don't ever be too full for dessert.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone.

Never try to baptize a cat.

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom
told you to do.

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman", and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch" ,he said. "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed, and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded,
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right.   I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short
time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it  two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years
old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren
attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three
daughters began to tell about their trips to Las
Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.

One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma,
where did you go on your honeymoon?" she asked.

Mother never hesitated. "Upstairs!" she said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter
and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially
curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each
like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of
petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not
like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked. "No,"
said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A COWBOY went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you
ever had an accident?"

"Nope," replied the cowboy. "Last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my
ribs...and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.

"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Parents??™ Poem

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,

or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

That I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

author thankfully unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This GROANER blatantly swiped from Stan??™s Puns??¦

As he boarded the Metro bus, Finn thought he was imagining things.

Seated behind the wheel on a pile of cushions and a modified
chair was the smallest dwarf he had ever seen. Couldn't be any more
than two feet tall. He was wearing a green uniform and a hat straight
out of Robin Hood. A pair of curly-toed boots swung proudly in the
vicinity of the gas and brake pedals.

He stared directly ahead and kept repeating the same word over
and over, ???Tock, ... tock, ... tock, ..." Despite the cushions, he
could just see over the wheel. It was difficult to imagine him
driving a bus.

Finn deposited the fifty-cent fare and looked around for a seat.
Nobody seemed overly concerned about the driver's stature so he
shrugged his shoulders and sat down next to a bookish-looking woman
wearing pop bottle glasses.

"Did you notice the driver,'' he asked nonchalantly?

''Yes,'' she said. "He's been on some of the other runs but it's
the first time I've seen him on this one.''

Finn shook his head in bewilderment. He'd never seen such a
short driver, but if everyone else was satisfied, well, who was he to
complain. But still ..

"Hardly seems tall enough to handle a bus.''

The woman nodded in agreement. "He's a strange little man. Never
says much, just 'Tock, .. tock, .. tock, ...' over and over. It's a
little bit unsettling, if you know what I mean."

He did. 1 wasn't sure I was hearing him right. Seems a bit
bizarre to me. You have any idea why he keeps repeating it?''

"Oh yes," she answered. ''I mentioned him to a friend of mine
who works with the Metro Line, you know, the ones who run the buses?
Well, he told me this guy came in one morning looking for a job. Said
he'd been out of work for a while and would appreciate a chance to
prove that his height was no impediment to driving a bus. So he did a
test and passed with flying colors. Hired him right on the spot.''

They could hear the steady "Tock, .. tock, .. tock, ..." over
the muted roar of the traffic as the dwarf navigated the narrow streets.

''But why does he keep repeating that same word?''

''Oh, that's his job. He's a Metro-gnome."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show
who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
It was his first time approaching a field during the
night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:  "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
~
Q.  What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?

A.  A Slowpoke.
~
Q.  What do frogs drink at snack time?

A.  Crock-A-Cola.
~
Q.  What is a tree's favorite soft drink?

A.  Root Beer.
~
Q.  Why didn't the dog speak to its foot?

A.  Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw.
~
Q.  What does Superman eat for lunch?

A.  A hero sandwich.
~
Q.  Which government agency does St Peter work for?

A.  The Eternal Revenue Service.
~
After hearing a bible lesson about miracles, a little girl went up to
her Sunday school teacher and says,

"In my house, when handwriting appears on the wall, it's not a
miracle... it's the work of my little brother, Billy."
~
Q.  What are the 3 great American parties?

A.  Democratic, Republican, and Tupperware.
~
Q.  What's the biggest problem politicians suffer from in Washington?

A.  Truth decay!
~
"The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his
own stamp. "That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win
the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind
up on the back."
~
Is it my imagination, or do most people meet the right
one after they've married the wrong one?
~
FOUND ON A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS:

"You could be a winner!!! No purchase necessary!!!
Details inside!"
You think to yourself -- Shoplifters special
~
Police in Maryland busted a senior citizens group at a
bingo game because they decided to play for pennies
and nickels instead of snacks and prizes.
Is that fair?

The president keeps telling seniors to look for new
alternatives to social security and the minute they
come up with one, they get arrested! - Jay Leno
~

Swiped from Martin a.k.a. the postman

**** HEY Y'ALL LOOK ****
Marshall Junior High School in New Mexico was locked down Thursday. 
Adjacent streets were closed and law enforcement snipers were perched
atop buildings.  This was serious business??¦ a concerned citizen had
spied a ???male juvenile carrying a suspiciously concealed item??? into the
school.  Cryptic radio coverage brought parents in droves to the school,
demanding tighter security at the school??™s entrance. After bringing the
students to assembly to explain the situation a couple of hours later,
the school principal soon determined the origin of the scare: A 30-inch
burrito that had been prepared as an extra-credit assignment, and
wrapped inside foil and a white t-shirt to keep it warm.  As the student
sat listening, he realized they must have been talking about his
project, and stepped forward.  Thanks to this giant burrito, 75% of
students got to go home with mom & dad for the day.  Students now voting
to make the burrito its official mascot??¦ - Marlena Hartz, Clovis News
Journal
http://www.clovis-news-nm.com/engine.pl?station=clovis&template=storyfull.html&id=10900
Hey, Hats off to the kid
thatburrito is sure to be a gut buster...Jb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The burger wars are on in Clearfield, PA.  Denny??™s Beer Barrel Pub
recently lost its title of world??™s biggest burger, weighing in at 6
pounds.  A few states over, the crown was swiped by a diner in Clinton,
New Jersey, who introduced a 12.5 pounder named ???Zeus.???  Not to be
outdone, the Pennsylvania pub owner set out and regained his title with
the ???Beer Barrel Belly Buster??? ??“ a 15 pound, $30 monstrosity which comes
with 10.5 pounds of meat, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three
tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish,
ketchup, mustard and banana peppers ??” and a bun.  We have a promotional
idea for you guys: Each burger shouldcome with a free home defibrillator??¦or
better yet a stomach pump
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MIT is putting out the call to all time travelers??¦ There??™s a
convention going on just for you this Saturday night!  Inspired by an
obscure comic strip called ???Cat and Girl,??? event organizers are hoping
the event will be the Woodstock for time travel.  They??™ve put out a
public call for help in getting the word out to the future.  Just write
down the details, including the latitude/longitude of the location, onto
pieces of acid-free paper, and slip them into ???obscure books in academic
libraries.???  You can also carve the info into clay tablets, etc. 
Convention events will start at 8pm for present-time attendees with
lectures and/or music, and at 10pm ???the moment of truth will arrive.??? 
What moment or truth that would be, I don??™t know.   In other words,
everybody stay tuned for a really big Doctor Who convention??¦ - MIT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

Emergency managers in Indian River County, Florida began offering
residents a free emergency notification service via e-mail ??“ a service
meant to warn subscribers about hurricanes, tornadoes and other
impending doom.  So far, about 4,200 folks have signed up for the
service.  But as usual, AOHell sees EVERYTHING as SPAM, and their
subscribers aren??™t getting the warnings they opted to receive.  County
officials are working with AOL to correct the problem, but in the
meantime, bulletins and updates are being sent from a temporary address.
 Residents who subscribe to the bulletin service are encouraged to put
the county??™s e-mail into their address book.  By gum, with AOHell, your
computer is protected.  Your house and personal safety however, aren??™t
in Big Brother??™s plans. ??“ AP/Local 10

http://www.local10.com/news/4437603/detail.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

no signs

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You can join The Funnies
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why women love Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Cool Links ****
RADAR
http://www.wtv-zone.com/sizcat/

Columbia's last call
http://www.pdhomes.net/html/creations/Pages/11/Sunset-over-Europe.html

Dee w/MindOfHerOwn
http://www.dedemstoday.com/MindOfHerOwn.html

Dede w/House For Sale
http://dedeswalkwithgod.com/House_For_Sale.html

Rockabilly Radio - The voice of independent rockabillyartists!
http://www.rockabillyradio.net/

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Three Trees
Max Lucado

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods.

They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree
said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with
gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate
carving and everyone would see the beauty."

Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will
take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of
the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of
my hull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and
straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the
hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God
and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of
all time and people will always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a
group of woodsmen came upon the trees.

When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong
tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter," and
he began cutting it down.

The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make
him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks like a strong
tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard."

The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to
becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened
because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come
true.

One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my
tree, so I'll take this one", and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a
feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with
hay.

This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His
dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one
day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they
placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the
first tree.

The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this
manger would have to do.

The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it
had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the
second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they
were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think
it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping
man, and He stood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped.

At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in
its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through
the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When
they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in
the air to die at the top of a hill.

When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough
to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was
possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going
your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your
trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got
what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't
always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways
are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

ON THIS DATE IN COUNTRY MUSIC HISTORY:

Cloet Hammons, guitarist for the East Texas Serenaders born 1899.

Al Dexter born Clarence Albert Poindexter, Jacksonville, TX 1902.

Nelle Poe of the Poe sisters born in Mississippi 1922.

Glen Snoddy, chief engineer of Owen Bradley??™s Quonset Hut Studio, born
Shelbyville, TN 1922.

Bobby Austin singer/songwriter, born Wenatchee, WA 1933.

Tim DuBois, songwriter/producer/record company executive, born Grove, OK 1948.

Stella Parton born Sevierville, TN 1949.

J.L. Joe Frank, age 52, died on this date in 1952. Inducted CMHF 1967.

Robert Ellis Orrall, singer/songwriter, born Winthrop, MA 1955.

Gene Vincent recorded "Be Bop A Lula," in Nashville, 1956.

Carl Perkins topped the country charts with "Blue Suede Shoes" 1956.

Randy Travis born Marshville, NC 1959.

The Kingston Trio won the first ever Country Music Grammy for "Tom Dooley," in 1959.

The Wilburn Brothers nationally syndicated television show debuted in 1963.

Ray Pillow joined the Grand Ole Opry 1966.

Marty Robbins wrecked his racecar in the Winston 500 at Talladega, AL 1975.

Rodney Crowell & Rosanne Cash went to #1 with "It??™s Such A Small World" 1988

Hubert Davis, Banjo player, died 1992.

The Country Music Foundation??™s annual medallion ceremony, which honors new
Hall of Fame inductees, saluted Porter Wagoner and Bill Carlisle at the Hall
of Fame in 2003.

Erv Woolsey??™s "The Trap" nightclub in Nashville, hosted a benefit concert
for Grand Ole Opry fiddler Greg Perkins in 2004. Erv Woolsey is George
Strait??™s long time manager.

Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.htm

lON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE:

1948 Anytime - Eddy Arnold

1956 Blue Suede Shoes - Carl Perkins

1964 My Heart Skips a Beat - Buck Owens

1972 Chantilly Lace - Jerry Lee Lewis

1980 Are You on the Road to Lovin??™ Me Again - Debby Boone

1988 It??™s Such a Small World - Rodney Crowell & Rosanne Cash

       **** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****         

Monterey Chicken Fajitas

 
Prep/Cook Time: 20 min. 
Ingredients:
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1 lb. boneless chicken breasts, cut into strips
1 medium green pepper, cut into strips
1 medium onion, sliced
1 can (10 3/4 oz.) Cream of Mushroom Soup
1/2 cup  Chunky Salsa
8 (8") Fajita Size Flour Tortillas, warmed
1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

Directions:
HEAT oil in skillet over medium-high heat. Cook chicken until browned,
stirring often.
ADD pepper and onion and cook over medium heat until tender-crisp.
ADD soup and salsa and heat through. Spoon about 1/2 cup chicken mixture
down center of each tortilla. Top with cheese and additional salsa. Fold
tortillas around filling. Serves 4.
To shave prep time, purchase chicken strips and a bag of frozen pepper
and onion stir-fry.



**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****

Weather Summary:
One more very cold night with widespread frost for Tuesday night. Lows
will drop to around 32 and there will be nearly no wind. Wednesday is
still below normal but highs will climb into the low to mid 60`s. The
slow warming trend will continue and by Friday, we will finally have
temperatures back near normal. By Friday, we will have gone 14 days will
everyday being BELOW normal! The weekend looks dry and mild with highs
in the mid 70`s. A front slips in later on Monday that may bring a few
showers but other than that, it looks pretty dry.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
It was six years ago today (May 3rd, 1999) that the last F5 tornado in
the U.S. happened. It was in Moore, OK and had winds recorded at 318
mph!

Tuesday Night
Freeze Warning. Frost Developing. Very Cold
Low 32

Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 63

Wednesday Night
Fair and Cool
Low 38

Thursday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 68
Low 38

Friday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 72
Low 48

Saturday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 75
Low 52

Sunday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 75
Low 55

Monday
Showers Possible
High 75
Low 58

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 72
Low 55

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"Forgive your enemies -- but never forget their names."
~John F. Kennedy

TOON TIME

Quit Staring
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41267.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41267.htm ">  Here!</a>

Finances
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41266.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41266.htm ">  Here!</a>

Looking For Husband
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41265.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41265.htm ">  Here!</a>

You Are Here...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/018.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/018.htm"> Here </a>

Surgery.com...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/019.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/019.htm"> Here </a>

Map Reading Takes Another Twist
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny209.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny209.html">Here!</a>

Toilet Terror
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41264.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41264.htm ">  Here!</a>

Next Pope
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41262.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41262.htm ">  Here!</a>

Wheres The T.V.
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41263.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/41263.htm ">  Here!</a>

 working under cover 
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/goc14grate.html
 <a href="
 http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/goc14grate.html
 ">aol
 link</a>

The First Mailman
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny210.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny210.html">Here!</a>


LAST CALL Y'ALL
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in
the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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