|
If ya don't like the music, Just turn it
off
V
From Carlisle ,Indiana
 Welcome to 
The Almost Daily Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They
are
PG - Not intended for younger readers -
PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the
mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
JUNE 01,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Being older with grown
children,
I often tell younger parents to enjoy them now. It's a short time
between crappy diapers to a crappy attitude.
I had put in
an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my
four-year-old Zack asleep in
bed with my husband when I got home. Zack
squirms so much it is impossible to
get a decent night's sleep when he
is with
us.
Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed
instead, where I slept better
than I had in
years.
The next morning, I asked my
husband, "Why was Zack in bed
with
you?"
"Oh," he replied,
shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired
to change his
sheets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one night, a man walks
into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a
moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come
in here?"
Man: "Well .... the light was
on..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cowboy
walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of
spurs?" he
asked the sales clerk.
"Forty
dollars."
The cowboy looked in his
wallet, thought for a moment, then
pulled out a
twenty.
"I'll take one
spur."
"What'll you do with just one?"
the clerk asked.
The cowboy replied, "I
figger if I can get one side of the horse
movin', the other side'll go
too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanted a
haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment with a
highly recommended
stylist. I was told customers were taken on a walk-in
basis
only.
On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m., only
to learn that it was that
hairdresser's day off. I drove to another salon,
but it was booked
solid. Still another had no
openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I
went home. My husband greeted
me at the door. "That was fast," he said
cheerfully. "Your hair looks
great!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Guys Pay
Attention
Subject: Ron is
special
Notes From Thoughtful Ron:
It is important for men to remember
that, as women grow
older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this,
try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse
than
an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I
handled the
situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement"
last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time
job, both
for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed
she was beginning to show her age.
I
usually get home from the golf course about the same
time she gets home from
work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for
half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the club
so eating out is not reasonable. I'm
ready for some home cooked grub when I
hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she! app
reciates this, as
it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she
goes to bed.
I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I
consider telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong
points...Now that she has gotten older, she does
seem to get tired so much
more quickly. Our washer and
dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says
she just
can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big
issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry
the next evening, I'm
willing to overlook it. Not only that,
but unless I need something ironed to
wear to the
Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's
poker
club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or
something like that, I will
tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing.. This gives her a
little more
time to do someof those odds and ends like shampooing
the
dog, vacuuming or dusting...
Also, if I had a really good day on the
course and it
was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her
clean them, you know..... get the grit off the grips and a
little light
Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf
bag is heavy so I lift it
out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift
heavy stuff as
good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be
wakened
during my after-golf nap, so rather than
bother me, she can put them back in
the trunk when she's finished.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I
think. For
example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time
to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys,
we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush
so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and
then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one
of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she
needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was
only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make
one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock.
That
way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look
like a saint in the way I
support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find
it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as
they get
older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact
and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other...
Signed,
Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died
suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was
found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big
Bertha
Driver II rammed up his b**t, with
only 2 inches of grip
showing...His wife Julie was
arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted
her
defense that he accidentally sat on it,
and she was released on
Friday, Feb 4.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A busybody visited her
bachelor neighbour and said,
"You're 45 years old and have never been
married.
I have a lovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll
introduce
you."
"Don't bother," the bachelor said.
"I have two sisters who look
after all my needs."
The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and
good,
but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my
sisters."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy
that continually gains weight and is very sick and very fat. He
is always
eating turkey right from the refrigerator. It keeps making him
sick and
fatter but he can't stop.
His
friends and family worry about him but he keeps on with his
addiction.
Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of
weight and
looks great.
His friends ask him
how he did it. He says, "I quit
cold
turkey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned
home
crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked,
eagerly
awaiting her response. "Did she
accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed
Joe. "When I told her what you
advised me to say, she slapped my face and
told me to get the hell out."
"Did you
begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told
your mother when she
accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands
still when I look in your
eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked
his
father.
"Oh boy, dad, did I got
it all wrong," Joe groaned. "I said, 'MY
Dear, you have a face that would
stop a clock!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An oldie but I love
it
A man was telling his co-worker one day that
the company
was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that
he was
going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of
all the crime even though he would be passing up a big
salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said
to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent
city, with world class
museums, loaded with a great history,
sites, good public
transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in
Chicago for almost 10
years, and in all that time I never ever
had a problem with
crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which
the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread
truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister delivered a sermon in ten
minutes one Sunday morning,
which was about half the usual length of his
sermons. He explained, "I
regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond
of eating paper, ate
that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver
this morning."
After the service, a
visitor from another church shook hands with
the preacher and said, "Pastor,
if that dog of yours has any puppies, I
want to get one to give to my
minister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does your church practice "Football Christianity"?
Backfield in
Motion: Making two or three trips outside the Church during
Mass.
OR:
Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain)
during the
service.
Bench warmer: An inactive church
member.
OR
Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday
Mass.
OR
Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but
sit.
The Blitz: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors
are
closed.
OR
The rush for the restaurants following the closing
prayer.
Blocking: Standing inside the church door complaining to the
pastor
about the sermon.
Extra point: What you receive when you tell
the preacher the sermon was
too short.
Draft choice: Choose a seat
near the back door.
Draw Play: What many children (and not a few adults)
do with their
bulletins during Mass.
End Run: Getting out of church
quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.
Flex Defense:
The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect
your life.
Fumble: A lousy sermon.
Halfback Option: The decision
of 50% of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.
Halftime: The Choir Anthem/Offertory
OR
The period between Sunday
School and worship when many choose to leave
Illegal motion: Leaving
before the benediction.
Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and
falls back on last
week's illustrations.
Quarterback sneak: Sunday
school teachers entering the church building
five minutes after Sunday
school begins.
OR
People who leave Mass before it's over without grave
reason.
Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that ought to
go to
the Church.
Sudden Death: The penalty to the priest who
preaches more than twenty
minutes.
Trap: You're called on to pray
and are asleep.
Two-minute warning: The chairman of the board sitting in
a front-row
pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the
preacher.
OR
The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and
begin to
gather up your children and belongings.
Four blondes went to the
bar in their pick-up. Three sat up in the cab
and one sat in the bed of the
truck. The three blondes were in the bar
for about an hour before the fourth
finally came in, looking frustrated.
They asked, 'What took you so long?'
She responded, 'Well, I had trouble
getting the tail gate open!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just like here
You know you're in an
Australian Summer when....
1.The best parking space is determined by
shade
instead of distance.
2.Hot water comes out of both
taps.
3.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding
iron.
4.The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a
little
chilly.
5.You discover that in February it only takes two
fingers to
steer your car.
6.You discover that you can get sunburnt through
your
car window.
7.You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
8.You
break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.
9.Your biggest
bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on
the pavement and cook to death?"
10.You realise that asphalt has a liquid
state.
11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the
beach, you
do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.
12.You catch
a cold from having the aircon full
blast while you sleep during the
night.
13.You pray that your train will have air-conditioning, and
if it
doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth
it.
Grumpy, Australia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All
eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They
reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the
bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
We
guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even
the minister smiled broadly.
As
her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit
card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
don't think so
My brother wants me to find him a summer
job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates. Then
he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment
agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper. I
asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.
He said, "A
self-starter!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
close but no cigar
From
Irene Cara's "Flashdance... What a Feeling"...
Wrong Lyric: "Take your pants
down and make it happen"
Right Lyric: "Take your passion and make it
happen"
From the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"...
Wrong
Lyric: "The girl with colitis goes by"
Right Lyric: "The girl with
kaleidoscope eyes"
From Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind"...
Wrong
Lyric: "The ants are my friends/They're blowin' in the wind" Right
Lyric:
"The answer my friends/Is blowin' in the wind"
From David Bowie's "Space
Oddity"...
Wrong Lyric: "Clown control to Mao Tse-Tung"
Right Lyric:
"Ground control to Major Tom"
From Simon & Garfunkel's "I Am a
Rock"...
Wrong Lyric: "I am a rock, I am an onion"
Right Lyric: "I am a
rock, I am an island"
From John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John's "You're
the One That I
Want"... Wrong Lyric: "I got shoes, they're made of plywood"
Right
Lyric: "I got chills, they're multiplying"
From Crystal Gayle's
"Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"... Wrong Lyric:
"Doughnuts make my brown
eyes blue" Right Lyric: "Don't It Make My Brown
Eyes Blue"
From
Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business"... Wrong
Lyric: "Baking
carrot biscuits" Right Lyric: "Takin' care of business"
From Peter
Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey"...
Wrong Lyric: "Jaques the monkey"
Right
Lyric: "Shock the monkey"
From Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"...
Wrong
Lyric: "Last night I dreamt of some bagels"
Right Lyric: "Last night I dreamt
of San Pedro"
CC, there's also my personal favorite...
From Pearl
Jam's "Glorified G"...
Wrong Lyric: "Glorified version of a pelican"
Right
Lyric: "Glorified version of a pellet gun"
****
Quickies ****
Butcher: "Would you like anything else today?"
Lady: "Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I
haven't
really been able to think of much all day. Must be all
the
vicodin....So how do I prepare this?"
Butcher: "It's lunchmeat, lady. You just eat
it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How can a woman scare a
gynecologist?
A: By becoming a
ventriloquist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm
afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down
on one
knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed
over
straight away."
~~~~~~~~~
Proper attire is
required in the cafeteria at the University
of Maine. To enforce
that rule, the management posted this
notice: "Shoes are
required to eat in this cafeteria."
Next to it, a student
added, "Socks can eat wherever they
want."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First worm: You're the most beautiful worm I've
ever seen.
Marry me, my darling.
Second worm: Cool it, Bozo, I'm your
other end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked "What
brand is this blended coffee? And the waiter said,
"Yesterday and
today's."
~~~~~
Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves
most?
Open toad!
~~~
Bachelor: a rolling stone who
gathers no
boss.
~~~~
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin
each day with coffee and obituaries.
~~~~~~~~
Q. What happened to the sardine when it didn't show up for
work?
A. It was canned.
~
Q.
When do clocks die?
A. When their time is up.
~
Q. Why don't you ever bring a
duck into the washroom with you?
A. Because it might be "a
Pekin"!
~
Q. Why did the man run around his
bed?
A. Because he wanted to catch up on his
sleep.
~
Q. Where do rabbits
work?
A. At IHOP restuarants.
~
Q. Where do crayons go on vacation?
A. To
Color-ado.
~
Q. What movie were you
watching when your VW was recalled?
A. Return of the
Jetta
~
Q. Which Star Wars 'Wookie' is on
the fast-track to mouth cancer?
A. Chewbacco!
~
The IRS cracked down on the Jedi Master because
he Yoda lotta
money.
~
The original point and
click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
****
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
*** UPDATE: The chicken
that was ticketed for crossing the road in the
small California community of
Johannesburg has been cleared of all
charges. It was determined that
the fowl was domesticated and not just
livestock, therefore it could not be
charged as livestock. The mystery
of why the chicken crossed the road
in the first place will remain. ??“
AP/UPN 34
http://upn34.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_149112518.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** WEIRD HAPPENINS
****
***The world-famous clock Big Ben ground to a
screeching halt for over
an hour and a half last Friday, silencing it??™s
dulcet chimes. The
minute hand first stopped moving at 2207 BST for
about 3 minutes, began
moving rather slowly, then stopped completely at
2220. No one knows the
exact cause of the stoppage, but the hot
weather may be to blame. I
know what caused it??¦ The clock gods were
too busy gagging over the next
story??¦ ??“ BBC
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/london/4589527.stm
***
In yet another egocentric/narcissistic attempt at 15 more minutes of
fame
(she??™s had her fair share, trust me), hotel heiress Paris Hilton is
engaged
to be married (one must be specific when saying she is engaged
in
something). She has been dating Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis for
the past 8 months. He popped the question to Hilton last Wednesday
after she returned from hawking her latest legitimate film creation
???House of Wax??? and her new fragrance (what would that be, Eau de
Streetwalker?). At least she??™ll be able to remember his name??¦ -
AP/MSNBC
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8039615/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** Speaking
of smells, Yukon the polar bear of Seneca Park Zoo in New
York had a rather
nasty case of bad breath. Vets linked the odor to an
infected tooth,
and last Thursday, they removed the tooth from the
sedated 805-pound bear
with a hammer and chisel. Hats off to that
ballsy team??¦ especially the
one doing the anesthesia. Zoo officials say
the bear ??“ and his breath
??“ are expected to make a full recovery. ??“ Fox
News, last story
down
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,158032,00.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link
below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
Doc, Ya know better than to take a 4 day
weekend
SOME APPLES BETTER AT KEEPING
DOC AWAY
Red Delicious, Northern Spy and Ida Red apples
might do a
better job of keeping the doctor away than other
apples,
according to Canadian researchers. Rong Tsao of
Agriculture
and Agri-Food Canada, in Guelph, Ontario, pinpointed
the
individual chemical compounds responsible for
antioxidant
activity in apples. The findings, published in
Journal of
Agricultural and Food Chemistry, could lead to the
breeding
of hybrid apples that pack a heftier antioxidant punch
--
chemicals that scavenge and neutralize unstable
molecules
called free radicals. Free radicals appear to play a
role
in the onset of heart disease and prostate, colon and
other
cancers.
**** Cool Links ****
Rodney.com *+*+
Warning Some Adult Content
http://www.rodney.com/rodney/home/home.asp
Antique Radio Page
http://members.aol.com/djadamson/arp.html
Marilyn Monroe - An In Depth Pictorial
http://www.spydersempire.com/monroe/
Red &
Rover
http://www.comics.com/wash/redandrover/archive/redandrover-20050529.html
**** ON THIS DAY
****
If Only I . . .
The saddest words of tongue
or pen
Are really not, "It might have been"--
The words that make us want
to cry
The most, are these: "If only I . . ."
"If only I had done it
right;"
"If only I had tried to fight;"
"If only I had seen the
way;"
"If only I had saved the day!"
As life unfolds, we oft look
back
To points at which we missed the track
That might have led to who
knows where?
To worlds (we think) beyond compare.
But "might have
been" and "if" are vain
What's done is done and endless pain
Is all we get
in retrospect
On actions we did not perfect.
Much wiser is the man who
learns
Much wiser is the man who turns
The errors of the day gone by
To
keep new days from going awry.
"If only I" is dead and gone;
Forget
past "ifs" and travel on.
Don't mourn for times beyond recall--
Make times
ahead the best of all.
~`~`~`~
A
Soldier's Question
I lay here reddening foreign soil
Whispering my
last breath
I've said my prayers, my last goodbyes
I've just one question
left
Why did I come here and fight?
Why was I willing to die?
Was
it for honor, glory or fame
The question I ask of I
As I lay here
wondering
all at once I knew
For through the rain I see a rise
Of 50
stars on blue
I did this not for glory
for medals nor for fame
I
did this for a little boy
with my face who bears my name
And for every
other boy like him
and ever little girl who cries
and every man who dreams
of peace
but cant speak it else he dies
I die for every mother
praying
It matters not to whom she prays
For all she wants is for her
kids
Better and peaceful days
I slip now from this earthen
bond
Watching my flag fly in the rain
Knowing as my eyes now close
I
didnt die in vain.
Cheri' C. Bown
copyright ?©May 20, 2003
A friend
of mine, Don, served in the military, was wounded in Vietnam
and suffered
many years from these wounds. In a conversation once, I
asked him if all the
years, if even risking his life was worth it. He
replied, "For my boys'
freedom, I'd do it all again." Don passed away
Feb. 2003. For those that
died...gave the ultimate price
Cheri' in
Indiana
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
My Causes Please Help
It takes less than a minute to go to
their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the
middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use
the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you
know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting
enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free
food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than
a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"
for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers
use the number of daily visits to donate food
to abandoned/neglected
animals in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it
along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
Send'em
and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Wheels of progress turn slowly for
women
As a foremother who had watched a young woman
leave a parade of men in her Indy 500 dust, Billie Jean King was moved to dial
up Janet Guthrie for a pioneer-to-pioneer chat. Without you, King would tell
Guthrie's answering machine, there could not have been a Danica.
No, there could not have been a Danica Patrick
had Guthrie, Lyn St. James and Sarah Fisher not come before her, just as there
could not have been an Annika Sorenstam at the Colonial had King not swatted
Bobby Riggs over the Astrodome wall. A quarter century after that epic 1973
gender bender, King watched the tape for the first time and was struck by the
commentary heard by 50 million viewers. "Howard Cosell only talked about my
looks," she recalled Monday. "He didn't once talk about my accomplishments as an
athlete."
Well, we sure have come a long way. A
23-year-old rookie who happens to be a woman stalls and spins and smacks into
veteran racers who happen to be men, runs on fumes in a dramatic dash for the
finish line, places fourth after leading for 19 laps, and nobody cares to talk
about her thighs. Right?
A quick Internet search sure confirmed as
much. "Dishy Dani's Indy joy," read the headline in the New York Daily
News, over a story that called Patrick's performance "a huge win for women"
in the first paragraph, only to sabotage the claim by describing her as the
"23-year-old brunette beauty" in the second.
Not to be outdone, the New York Post
called Patrick a "brunette bombshell" loved by men "because she makes
something else race ??” their pulses," this a day after hitting readers with
Patrick-powered headlines such as "She'll Start Your Engine" and "Va-Va
Vroom."
Boys will be boys, journalists will be
journalists, and young women will be bombarded with the Jurassic messages
competitors such as Patrick are supposed to shred.
"When people talk about how we look," King
said, "that's what kills us as athletes. Just once, talk only about our
accomplishments. That's all we ask."
Apparently King and her court are asking for
too much. Patrick had to be covered differently, as she delivered the best
female finish ever at the 500. That's history. That's news. But the fact she
might be described as a "babe" by a demographic overdosing on bimbo beer ads has
nothing to do with her performance behind the wheel of a machine traveling 226
miles an hour.
Racing marketeers have done little to
discourage the notion of Patrick as their glamour girl, the same way bygone LPGA
officials didn't mind an otherwise bare Jan Stephenson turning up in a bathtub
full of golf balls.
Patrick herself has gone along for the ride,
striking the ultra-suggestive poses for FHM that some female Olympians
struck before the Athens Games, the images encouraging men to subscribe to the
jock-culture perception of women as objects, not equals.
But for every Kournikova wannabe who doesn't
get it, a dozen female athletes do. Those athletes understand how the
Kournikovas are born. "Ninety percent of the people making media decisions and
marketing decisions are male," King said. "People should know what arena this is
coming from."
Ty Votaw, the LPGA commissioner, junked Title
IX in favor of Titleist IX in 2003, ordering his players to improve their
appearance and hiring hair stylists, cosmetics czars and fashion editors toward
that end. Annika Sorenstam sat there and listened to the experts tell her how to
look more attractive on the golf course. Could you imagine Tiger Woods being
subjected to that?
Of course not. He's a man, and men only need
to worry about birdies and bogeys and checkered flags.
So there was Robby Gordon, assuming the role
of the Sorenstam-bashing Vijay Singh, whining that Patrick was 100 pounds
lighter than the opposing he-men, making her car go faster. Funny, but Gordon
didn't cry about smaller male drivers. Just grab a copy of The South Beach
Diet, pal, and get in the car.
Nancy Lieberman never complained about the
size of the men she had to shoot over in the USBL. Patrick has a better chance
to win the 500 than Lieberman ever had of making the NBA, and she comes along at
the perfect time ??” after Mia Hamm and before Michelle Wie. Patrick should knock
out the pinup routine, conduct herself like Hamm and Sorenstam, and show girls
what Julie Krone showed them at the Belmont: Performance can carry the
day.
"We want a chance to be the best we can be,"
King said. "We just want to be let in. Just let us in."
Just let the women burn rubber without telling
the world how hot they looked doing it.
Auto racing needs many more It girls
May 31, 2005
BY CAROL SLEZAK
SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
We like to celebrate firsts in sports, so
everyone is making a big deal about little Danica Patrick. Perhaps too big of a
deal. Nothing against Patrick. This certainly isn't her fault. But the notion
that Patrick proved Sunday that a female driver can compete with the guys fills
me with despair. Haven't we known this for decades?
Nothing to prove
Didn't Janet Guthrie prove that women could compete with men 28
years ago? Didn't Lyn St. James prove it in the 1990s? Heck, Sarah Fisher proved
it as recently as last year. How quickly most of us forget.
As the first woman to lead a lap in the Indianapolis 500 and the
first woman to finish as high as fourth, Patrick deserves your applause. But the
only thing she proved Sunday is that she's a good driver with a good team behind
her.
One groundbreaking performance doesn't make a career. Guthrie
broke the Indianapolis 500 gender barrier in 1977. She raced three times at
Indy, finishing ninth in 1978. St. James raced seven times at Indy, finishing
11th in 1992. Fisher raced five times at Indy, beginning in 2000. All three
women were good drivers. But the buzz surrounding them died down pretty quickly.
How fortunate for Patrick that she has Team Rahal Letterman
behind her. Because, at Indy, the car means a lot. And how fortunate for Patrick
that she has sponsorship. You see, for women, it has never been about the
driving. It has always been about the financing -- getting it and keeping it.
Without it, a driver can't hope to win -- or even to finish as high as fourth.
Guthrie once told me she was forced out of racing because she
couldn't get adequate sponsorship. Given the harsh economic reality she faced,
the fact that Guthrie even made it to Indianapolis is astonishing. But even
after performing well there, she couldn't attract sponsorship.
"And my record compared with anyone's,'' Guthrie said during a
1999 interview. "It's a disgrace that money still isn't available to women
racers.''
That was six years ago. Not surprisingly, not much has changed
since then. Which means little has changed since Guthrie first came on the scene
more than 40 years ago. Sure, Patrick has been able to obtain the necessary
money to compete, which is a great thing. But Patrick is only one woman, and
there's only so much money to go around. There are lots of women in racing, and
they would love to have the same kind of opportunity Patrick has been given.
The It girl
My hunch is that the IRL will be content to have its one It
girl, meaning Patrick's great performance won't lead to an infusion of women in
the sport. The sponsorship money will continue to be earmarked for men, meaning
a decade from now we'll be applauding the next It girl.
If only the sport would make room for two or three It girls, we
might one day see a dozen women starting their engines at Indy. And that would
be something to applaud.
Not that auto racing is much different from any other sport --
or from corporate America, for that matter. Given the same opportunity, women
always have been able to compete with men. But women rarely are given truly
equal opportunity.
Seeking solace, I find some in the TV ratings for the race,
which were 40 percent higher than last year's race. According to ABC, the 4.7
overnight rating was the best for the race since 1996. There can be no doubt
that Patrick was the reason the casual fan tuned in. Given the heightened
interest level, it would seem to make financial sense for the sport to promote
women.
Some progress
Already we've heard that Fisher, who famously crashed at Indy in
2000 and has left the IRL for NASCAR, might benefit from Patrick's strong
showing. The Savannah Morning News reported that NASCAR's Richard Childress is
contemplating taking Fisher under his wing. Because if the IRL has found its It
girl, NASCAR needs one, too. This is how we measure progress.
Another sign of progress, however small, can be found in Robby
Gordon's remark that Patrick has an unfair advantage because she weighs less
than the male drivers. At least in making that statement, Gordon was implicitly
acknowledging the fact that Patrick can drive.
Compare that with the kind of comments Guthrie routinely heard
when she was racing. The time, for instance, when Bobby Unser, who had never
seen Guthrie race, told a male reporter he could teach the reporter to drive
better than Guthrie could drive. When the reporter replied that he didn't drive,
Unser said, "Then I could take a hitchhiker and teach him to drive better than
Janet Guthrie.''
Once they scoffed at women, now they manufacture excuses to
explain why they can't beat her.
**** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER
****
ON
THIS DATE IN
COUNTRY MUSIC
HISTORY:
Elsie McWilliams,
co-writer of some Jimmy Rodgers songs, born Harperville, MS 1896.
???Lee??? William Allen, ???Allen Brothers,???
born Sewanee,
TN 1906.
Johnny Bond,
singer/songwriter/actor/author, born ???Cyrus Whitfield Bond,???
Enville, OK 1915. Inducted CMHF
1999.
Esmereldy, born ???Verna Sherrill,???
Middleton, TN
1920. Billed
as ???The Streamlined Hillbilly.???
Jimmie Dale Warren,
Son??™s of the Pioneers, born Summerville, KY
1925.
Andy Griffith born
Mount Airy, NC 1926.
Pat Boone born
???Charles Eugene Boone??? in Jacksonville, FL 1934. Pat grew up in
Nashville, TN, and is a direct descendant of Daniel Boone. He married Red
Foley??™s
daughter Shirley in 1953.
Hazel Dickens,
singer/songwriter, born
Mercer County,
WV
1935. IBMA
Merit Award 1994.
Wayne Kemp, singer/songwriter/guitarist
born Greenwood, AR 1941.
Roy Acuff
recorded ???The Prodigal Son/Low and Lonely??? for Okeh
Records 1942.
Ronnie Dunn born
???Ronnie Gene Dunn,??? Coleman,
TX 1953. Prior to pursuing a career in
Country Music, Ronnie
studied theology at Abilene Christian College.
Patsy Cline??™s first recording session for
Coral Records 1955.
Johnny Horton??™s ???The
Battle Of
New
Orleans??? went to #1 in 1959.
Dolly Parton
moved to Nashville 1964.
Shelley Lee Alley, age 69, died
1964.
Stu Phillips joined the Grand Ole Opry
1967.
The house where Elvis Presley and his
twin brother were born in
Tupelo,
MS was opened for tours in
1971.
Johnny Cash??™s ???Folsom
Prison Blues,??? single, charted
1968.
Ralph Emery asked WSM to relieve him of
his duties, on the all night Broadcast
of ???Opry
Star Spotlight,??? in 1972.
Asylum released ???The Eagles??? self titled
debut album 1972.
Johnny Cash released ???One Piece At A Time???
1976.
Jimmy Murphy, singer/songwriter died
1981.
Alan Jackson released his album ???Don??™t
Rock the Jukebox??? 1991. The album sold
over four million copies, and Alan
told his wife she could quit her day
job.
Epic released Joe Diffie??™s ???A Night to Remember???
1999.
Doug Supernaw was arrested for bail jumping and locked up in the
Potter County jail
in Texas, for the third time in the past week 2004. He
was arrested twice at a Ramada Inn in
Amarillo. Once
for marijuana possession, and later for Criminal Trespass. The bail
jumping
charge was filed by the state of
Washington.
Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html
ON THIS DATE,
COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE:
1952
The Wild Side of Life -
Hank Thompson
1960
Please Help Me, I??™m
Falling - Hank Lockin
1968
Honey - Bobby Goldsboro
1976
One Piece at a Time -
Johnny Cash
1984
As Long as I??™m Rockin??™ with You - John Conlee
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS
****
Chesney to Film Stadium Concert for ABC Special
Kenny Chesney's upcoming stadium concert in Pittsburgh will
be the focus of an ABC special scheduled to air Nov. 23.
Portions of the one-hour program will also be filmed in the
Caribbean. The Pittsburgh show will take place July 30 at
Heinz Stadium with guests Keith Urban and Gretchen Wilson.
Chesney's additional stadium concerts will be held near
Washington D.C., on June 4 and near Boston on July
23.
**** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****
Chili Spaghetti Casserole
8 oz.
spaghetti
1 lb. ground beef
1 medium onion, chopped
1/4 tsp.
salt
1/8 tsp. ground black pepper
1 can (15-oz.) chili with beans
1 can
(15-oz.) Italian style stewed tomatoes, undrained
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp
Cheddar cheese, divided
1/2 cup sour cream
1 1/2 tsps. chili powder
1/4
tsp. garlic powder
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray 13x9-inch baking
dish with
cooking spray. Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain
and
place in prepared dish. Meanwhile, place beef and onion in large
skillet; sprinkle with salt and pepper. Brown beef over medium-high
heat
until beef is no longer pink, stirring to separate. Drain fat.
Stir in
chili, tomatoes with juice, 1 cup cheese, sour cream, chili
powder, and
garlic powder. Add chili mixture to pasta; stir until
pasta is well coated.
Sprinkle with remaining half cup cheese. Cover
tightly with foil and bake 30
minutes or until hot and bubbly. Let
stand 5 minutes before cutting into
squares and serving.
Yield: 8 servings.
Creamy Strawberry-Filled Angel Cake
1
cup boiling water
1 package (4 ounces) sugar-free strawberry Jello
1/2 cup
cold water
1 pint (2 cups) strawberries
1 container (8 ounces) frozen
fat-free whipped topping, thawed
1 round (10 inch diameter) angel food
cake
Additional berries, if desired
Pour boiling water over gelatin in
large bowl; stir until
gelatin is
dissolved. Stir in cold water.
Refrigerate about 1 hour or until
thickened
but not set. Fold 1 pint of
strawberries and half of the whipped
topping
into the gelatin mixture.
Refrigerate 15 minutes or until
thickened
but not
set. Split cake
horizontally to make 3 layers. Fill layers with
gelatin
mixture. Spoon or
pipe remaining whipped topping onto top of
cake.
Garnish
with extra
berries. Cover and refrigerate until serving.
Makes
12
servings.
Nutritional Values: 160 calories, 0 grams fat, 0
mg.
cholesterol,
390 mg.
sodium, 36 grams carbohydrate, per
serving.
Diet Exchanges: 1 starch, 1 1/2 fruit, per serving.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
What does a gallbladder do? Why is it
OK to take it out?
The gallbladder is a small sac underneath your liver that stores and
secretes bile, a digestive fluid that breaks down fats. Gallstones form when the
chemical compounds in bile become unbalanced -- no one's sure exactly why this
happens, but a fatty diet often exacerbates the problem. Roughly 20 million
Americans suffer from gallstones, and 750,000 of them have their gallbladders
removed. One procedure for removing a gallbladder, called a laparoscopic
cholecystectomy, is a relatively straightforward affair. As gallbladder expert
Dr. Mark Fusco explains, a tiny camera (laparoscope) is used to avoid large
incisions. He also suggests that his patients "thoroughly cleanse" their
umbilicus (belly button) prior to surgery.
Since bile is actually
produced by the liver, it's possible to survive without a gallbladder, but not
without unpleasant digestive tract complications. Some patients suffer from
dumping syndrome, in which food is "dumped" too quickly into the intestines from
the stomach.
The gallbladder is like a pump. Dr. Cynthia Foster observes
that without it, the liver can't secrete enough bile to properly digest a full
meal and recommends herbal supplements. Many people without gallbladders have to
control their diet and eat small snacks throughout the day, rather than large
meals. Bile- challenged eaters should also avoid fatty
foods
**** WABASH VALLEY
WEATHER ****
Weather Summary:
Some nice weather for Tuesday
night. Wednesday warms a little with highs
into the low 80`s. A storm system
near the Gulf Coast will move into
east Kentucky and brings some clouds but
right now it looks like most of
the rain will stay southeast of here. The
warmth will stick around into
the weekend with highs by then in the mid
80`s. There is a chance of
some scattered storms with the heat and humidity,
typical June weather.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
The
past memorial Day weekend was 4.5 degrees BELOW normal. May was 2.1
degrees
BELOW normal and ended up 1.49" BELOW normal.
Tuesday Night
Clear
and Mild
Low 56
Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 82
Wednesday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 58
Thursday
Partly
Sunny
HIgh 77
Low 58
Friday
Partly Sunny
High 83
Low 60
Saturday
Showers / T-Storms
High 83
Low 62
Sunday
Showers / T-Storms
High 85
Low 67
Monday
Showers /
T-Storms
High 85
Low 64
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 83
Low
65
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
In West
Virginia a woman was arrested for sitting naked on school steps
reading a
Bible. Well, sure, you can't have a Bible on school grounds!
TOON TIME
For Sale
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22270.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22270.htm
"> Here!</a>
Speech Impediment?
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22269.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22269.htm
"> Here!</a>
Rubber Sheets
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22268.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22268.htm
"> Here!</a>
Drive Carefully
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/019.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/019.htm">
Here </a>
Beware Of Dog
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/020.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/020.htm">
Here </a>
Speed Maniac (repeat)
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1260.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1260.html">Here!</a>
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
Bet ya I get mail over this'en
A Cajun man wants a job,
but the foreman won't hire
him until he passes a little math
test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is
easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave
you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,"
says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for
awhile, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge
on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head
and says, "How
on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty
now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The
boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
have to hire this
Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent
the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says,"Ere
you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts
if
you think that represents a hundred!"
(Thought you'd like this
one)
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the
base of each
tree and says,
"A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So
now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a
turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred.....
So, when I start?!"
That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
equal opportunity target here.
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or
give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.
Our
features are intended to be for entertainment only.
Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from
various areas on the web
and are
believed to be public domain .. If you hold
copyright on any of these materials
please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
~
GOD BLESS AMERICA
~
To subscribe,
Click on a link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com~
To unsubscribe
from this opt-in mailing list
click on link at the end of this
mailing
~
Regarding any problems In
accordance with the 2004
Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
comments at: jim4615@earthlink.netor
Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Miss
getting The Funnies,or is your ISP
blocking mail again?
No problem
Read the Funnies on line.Junt click on this
link
Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Unsubscribe link is at the END of this
list
REMEMBER
THE
COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
God Bless
America , Our Land , Forever May She
Stand
&&&&&&&&&&
THIS DOCUMENT IS
VIRUS FREE
Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA
95054
~
Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zines
49932/
r=#000000 size=4>
49932/
i?25438">http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
|
|
