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June04, 2005 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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If ya don't like the music, Just turn it off V From Carlisle ,Indiana Welcome to The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New Subscribers Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them T.G.I.F. FRIDAY JUNE ,2005 THOUGHT FOR TODAY: When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. It's called gettin even Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale. "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date." "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor. "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iwouldn't say lawyers are sneaky, well...yes I would Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," Morris replied. "Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum. "But it's only $500," Morris insisted. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks'notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger **** Quickies **** "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey ~ "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry ~ "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right, I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry ~ My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"--Paula Poundstone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my goodness....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Prophet Yahweh (not his Yahweh-given name, of course) of Las Vegas says he has an extraordinary secret. He claims he has the ability to summon UFO??™s on command through prayer. It??™s a skill he learned from the Old Testament. Don??™t run and get those Bibles out just yet??¦ apparently you can only glean the knowledge if it is written in Hebrew. Yahweh says he has secretly conjured over 1500 sightings since 1979, and now he??™s going public. Las Vegas TV station KTNV sent out a reporter to see him in action, and they were quite surprised. I wouldn??™t get too excited about the video??¦ they were just outside Nellis Air Force Base. Prophet Yahweh even has his own website ??“ www.prophetyahweh.com ??“ and for just $7.95, you can purchase the right to view his pre-recorded video (or see Yahweh in his Karnac turban for free). That is, when the 45-day ???media summoning??? has ended. Yahweh claims the site has been sabotaged. Not quite understanding that claim, but whatever??¦ http://www.ktnv.com/news/may05/330168.asp ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Cool Links **** Mark w/How Many Dogs? http://soloshideaway.home.att.net/579/howmany.htm Games http://server1.billsgames.com/hangman/ Openwares.org http://www.openwares.org/ **** ON THIS DAY **** THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM. . . Sometimes friends have to remind you about things you might not like to hear, but need to. I am that kind of friend. Everyone say it with me..... 1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail! 2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me. 4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people! 5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. 6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.) 7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! 8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS! 9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. 10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!! 11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations. 12) And finally. . . I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person. **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** My Causes Please Help It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER **** Cowboy Loye born 'Loye Donald Pack' singer/songwriter/guitarist in Nashville, TN 1900. Tommy Leffew, mandolinist for the "Fruit Jar Drinkers," born 1905. Curly Williams, Western Swing/fiddler/songwriter born Cairo, GA 1914. Tex Looney, radio star/recording artist, born 1919. Boots Randolph born 'Homer Louis Randolph' Paducah, KY 1927. Bob Wills topped the charts with "New Spanish Two Step" 1946. Frederick "Too Slim" Labour, of "Riders In the Sky," born Grand Rapids, MI 1948. Hank Williams gave his final performance on the Louisiana Hayride, prior to moving to Nashville in 1949. Elvis Presley graduated from Hume H.S. in Memphis, 1953. The Midwest Hayride debuted on WLW-TV in Cincinnati, OH 1955. George Jones's "She Thinks I Still Care" is #1 in 1962. Jamie O'Neal, born "Jamie Murphy" in Sydney, Australia 1968. Donna Fargo's "The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A." went to #1 in 1972. Billy Wallace, singer/songwriter, died Huntsville, AL 1978. Elvis Presley's Graceland in Memphis, TN, opened as a tourist attraction 1982. Reba McEntire married Narvel Blackstock, her guitar player, in Lake Tahoe, NV 1989. Willie Nelson released his album "Who'll Buy My Memories - The IRS Tapes" in 1991. Money raised by the sale of this album, would go to the IRS to pay off the sixteen million dollar tax debt that Willie owed. Wally Fowler, age 77, died in 1994. Member Grand Ole Opry. Van Stoneman, age 78, "Stoneman Family," died 1995. Wynonna stalker Randall Dee Kimbrough, age 39, was arrested for trespassing on Wynonna Judd's property 1997. Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw were arrested in Buffalo, NY in 2000. Chesney was charged with Disorderly Conduct. McGraw was charged with second-degree assault and resisting arrest. Capitol Records released Trace Adkins album "Greatest Hits Collection, Vol.1 2003. Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html **** TODAY'S SPECIAL **** El Pollo Loco chicken El Pollo Loco chicken is marinated in big, plastic buckets, with employees periodically rotating the meat by hand to distribute the marinade evenly. The chicken then is cooked fully on the grills in open kitchens, where the quality of the final product depends largely on the expertise of the grill cook. El Pollo Loco Marinade (M, TNT) Source: Orange County Register Serves: 6 6 ounces pineapple juice 2 tablespoons lime juice 1 tablespoon white vinegar 2 cloves garlic, minced 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano, crumbled 1/8 teaspoon ground pepper 1/4 teaspoon mild chili pepper (Anaheim or California), remove stem and seeds from chiles, finely minced 8 drops yellow food coloring, optional (but accurate) 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 4 pounds frying chicken, cut up In a small bowl, combine all ingredients except chicken, measure out 1/4 cup marinade and reserve for basting while grilling. Place chicken in a shallow glass baking dish and cover with marinade. Cover with lid or plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight, turning at least once. Refrigerate reserved marinade. Remove chicken from refrigerator 45 minutes before cooking time. Drain chicken and grill over medium coals for 25 to 35 minutes or until no traces of p ink color remain, turning every 10 minutes. Baste frequently with the reserved 1/4 cup marinade while cooking. **** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER **** Weather Summary: A cloudy night for Thursday night. Friday will start cloudy but some clearing could happen by later on Friday and it will be warmer with highs in the upper 70`s. The weekend will be warm and humid with some scattered showers and storms becoming likely. That same pattern will start next week. -- Jesse Walker Weather Factoid: It was 15 years ago Thursday (June 2nd, 1990) that the largest tornado outbreak in Indiana history happened. There were 37 tornadoes in all many of those in this area. Hardest hit was Petersburg with eight deaths there. Thursday Night Mostly Cloudy Low 58 Friday Some PM Clearing High 78 Friday Night Partly Cloudy Low 62 Saturday Showers / T-Storms High 85 Low 62 Sunday Showers / T-Storms High 85 Low 67 Monday Showers / T-Storms High 85 Low 68 Tuesday Showers / T-Storms High 85 Low 65 Wednesday Partly Sunny High 83 Low 62 Thursday Partly Sunny High 83 Low 62 ****A PARTING THOUGHT **** Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." TOON TIME Backwards http://www.buffaloschips.com/30713.htm Here! This Isn't Good http://www.buffaloschips.com/30712.htm Here! Apartment For Rent http://www.buffaloschips.com/30711.htm Here! A Clean House http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/087.htm Here Nice Coffee http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/088.htm Here ...on the paper! http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1262.html Here! Bad Day 3 http://www.buffaloschips.com/30716.htm Here! Bad Day 2 http://www.buffaloschips.com/30715.htm Here! Bad Day 1 http://www.buffaloschips.com/30714.htm Here! Frozen Computer http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/089.htm Here Backed Up Hard Drive http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/090.htm Here WE WANT the car!!!!! http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1261.html Here! Happiness http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22285.htm Here! Insurance http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22283.htm Here! Jailbreak Cats http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22284.htm Here! LAST CALL Y'ALL JoAnn, My wife slipped on the ice in January and broke her ankle. In the emergency room after my wife had been given some pain relief which was working remarkably well, the doctor was explaining to her and I that they would have to insert a metal plate with a couple of screws to hold the bones in place. The doctor asked my wife if she had any questions and my son stared in complete disbelief at his mom when she asked the doctor her question. She wanted to know if the metal plate would set off the security alarms in the airport as it was such a hassle when that happened. Oh, the power of those wonderful pain killers. That's all folks *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and are believed to be public domain .. If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem Read the Funnies on line.Junt click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsub 50188/ .c 50188/ /mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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