|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
| << June04, 2005 - The Daily Funnies |
June08, 2005 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
From Carlisle ,Indiana
 Welcome to  The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY JUNE 7,2005 If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Crispy Cr??mes opened a shop in my neighbourhood! Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it--almost every
time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....my radiator leaks On one of Cheri's relocations from her
mountains of West Virginia with eight of her brood in tow, all under age 11, she was required to pass through an airport security check. Collecting her many suitcases, the nine of them entered the line through the cramped inspection area. A young transportation security official watched her entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," Cheri' answered with a sigh. "They're all mine." The agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" Cheri' and her brood were allowed to pass without opening a single suitcase when Cheri' calmly answered, "Sir, if I'd had any of those items, don't you think I would have used them by now." . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The boss was anxious to have the staff salesman marry one of his daughters so that he wouldn't go to work for a competitor. The salesman was anxious to marry one of the boss's daughters so that she wouldn't marry a competitor. "You can marry any one of my three daughters," the boss said, pointing to two young ladies seated in the office. "Here are two of them and the other will be along in a minute." The salesman stared. "If you don't mind sir," he replied, "I'll take the one that's coming." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams. About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato I ordered is really bad." She nodded, picked up the potato and gave it a big 'smack'. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato gives you any more trouble, you just let me know." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer- service representatives. "I want to deposit my paycheck, but I'm not sure how to do it," he said. "No problem," said Lisa as she took his check and passbook. There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, "That's it?" "That's it. Just give your paycheck to me, and I'll take care if it." The man suddenly looked at her curiously. "Say," he drawled, "are you my wife?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You might be in a redneck church if . . . 1. The doors are never locked. 2. The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!" 3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark. 4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and five guys stand up. 5. The restroom is outside. 6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. 7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of". 8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves." 9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy an meat or vegetables. 10. When it rains, everybody's smiling. 11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service. 12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale." 13. The church directory doesn't have last names. 14. The pastor wears boots. 15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday. 16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their Neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash. 17. There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin. 18. Baptism is referred to as "branding.'' 19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank. 20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health. 22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling. 23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. 24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there. 25. The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is a gentlemen's club where the man at reception who cloaks the member's hats, coats, umbrellas, gloves has a reputation for an infallible memory. In thirty years, he is reputed never to have given the wrong coat, hat, gloves or umbrella to any member when they leave the club. One day, a member decided to test it out. As he left the club and was handed his coat, he asked the concierge, "How do know this is my coat?" "I don't, sir," came the reply. "Well, why did you give it to me?" "Because, sir, you gave it to me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Facts about Texas Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know ya'll just can't wait to read 'em! Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas! World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston." King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.) A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper. Texas has had six capital cities: 1. Washington-on-the-Brazos 2. Harrisburg 3. Galveston 4. Velasco 5. West Columbia 6. Austin The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet). The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas. The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females. Well...I thought it was interesting anyway!) The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language: Ten Commandments, cowboy style. Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas. (1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. (7) No killin'. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I promised to host a neighbor's 90th birthday party, I never imagined I'd need two heads and the arms of an octopus to handle all the details for an event that rapidly escalated from a neighbourhood get-together to what seemed like a city-wide celebration. "I'll be lucky to get through that day," I moaned to the celebrant just two days before the big event. "At my age," she shot back, "I don't worry about getting through that day, I worry about getting to that day!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In preparation for the Fourth of July celebrations, my daughter was teaching her young children some important facts about our country. She sang a few bars of the National Anthem and asked who could name the song. Her youngest son's hand shot up, and he shouted: "I know. That's the baseball song!" **** Quickies ****Q. What do you use to clean ice off tall buildings? A. Ice scrapers. ~ Q. What kind of TV do trees watch? A. Paper view. ~ Q. Why did the one-handed man cross the road? A. To get to the second-hand shop. ~ Q. Why did the surfer cross the road? A. To get to the other tide. ~ Q. What is the laziest part of a car? A. The wheels - they're always tired. ~ Q. What's a foot doctor's favorite song? A. "There's No Business Like Toe Businesss." ~ Q. What did the blonde say when the job interviewer said, "Spell your name?" A. Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E ~ Science teacher: Junior, what is a comet? Junior: It??™s a star with a tail. Science teacher: Very good! Can you name one? Junior: Sure! Lassie. ~ Q. Why did the rooster stay outside during the hurricane? A. It was fowl weather. ~ Q. Why did the basketball player go see the doctor? A. To get some shots. ~ Q. Why was the broom late for work? A. It overswept. ~ Q. Why kind of engines do they use in golf carts? A. Fore cylinder. ~ Q. Why was the mayonnaise late for the game? A. Because it was dressing. ~ Q. If H20 is water, what is H204? A. For drinking, washing, & cleaning. ~ Q. What's the most dangerous part of a car? A. The nut that holds the steering wheel. ~ Q. What happens when you fall in love with the trash man? A He dumps you! ~ Q. Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table? A. She was on a crash diet! &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. **** My employer was giving a
course on recognizing period furniture, and I was reviewing my notes while
waiting to see Doctor Taz. When he came into the examining room, he asked
what I was studying. I gave a brief explanation and, to illustrate what was
involved, I asked him, "For example, would you know a Queen Anne leg from that
of Louis XIV?" Taz pondered this for a moment and said: "Louis' leg would
have hair on it." Melva's Stories from the Heart http://www.melvacooper.com/ NORMANDY: 1944 http://search.eb.com/normandy Navy Photos http://www.navyphotos.co.uk/ Children's Tylenol Recall http://www.consumeraffairs.com/recalls04/2005/tylenol.html The Andy Griffith Show Rerun Watchers Club http://www.mayberry.com/ Image Resizer http://www.resize2mail.com/ **** ON THIS DAY **** "Kitchen Complaint" I made myself a warning sign; it's on my kitchen wall, It wards off all those little thieves when they feel prone to call. They snatch things from the cupboard shelves, the pantry's always bare. It's impossible to cook a meal when food is everywhere. The Quaker Oats have disappeared and though the word is mum, my guess is someone wanted the container for a drum. The sugar bowl cannot be found and underneath a bed, I'm bound to find the chocolate chips and half a loaf of bread. The baking soda's for a bath, a lemon's for the hair, The cheese is in the mousetrap and no one seems to care. Marshmallows stuck with toothpaste are for a childish craft, everyone takes what they need while mother gets the shaft. So the warning sign now clearly states: "Beware...Mom is the winner! The culprit is the loser...and the loser fixes dinner!" ~Author Unknown~ Ringwald Mulls 'Sixteen Candles' Sequel LOS ANGELES - Could it be time to put more candles on the cake? Molly Ringwald said she's in discussions to make a sequel to "Sixteen Candles," the 1984 movie about the obstacles and embarrassments a teen girl faces on her birthday. The film, directed by John Hughes, shot Ringwald to teen
stardom, but she hasn't appeared in a major role in many years. She said she's
been appearing in theater, small TV and film parts and raising a daughter, now
18 months old.
Ringwald, 37, said she had been approached repeatedly about doing a sequel, but recently read a script that she liked and wanted to star in the movie. "I've turned it down for years. I couldn't see how it would work," she said. "Now, it seems right."
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
**** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
**** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER **** Wynn
Stewart born Morrisville, MO 1934. Bob Wills recorded "White Heat/Steel Guitar Stomp"
1937. Clarence White, guitarist, born Lewiston, ME
1944. Pee Wee King recorded "Fire On The Mountain, Dip and
Dive" 1949. Red Foley topped the charts with "Birmingham Bounce"
1950. Larry Boone singer/songwriter, born Cooper City, Fl
1956. The Everly Brothers "All I Have To Do Is Dream" was
#1 in 1958. Don Gibson wrote "I Can't Stop Loving You," and "Oh
Lonesome Me," Claudette Orbison, wife of Roy Orbison, killed in a
motorcycle accident 1966. The Johnny Cash Show made its television debut
1969. The show Ronnie Milsap's "Pure Love" was #1
1974. Rocky Burnette's single "Tired Of Toein' The Line"
charted 1980. Elvis Presley's Graceland opened for public tours in
1982. Ricky Van Shelton topped the charts with "Finally"
1990. Alan Jackson joined the Grand Ole Opry
1991. Liberty released John Berry's album "John Berry"
1993. Courtney Johnson, age 56, "New Grass Revival," died
1996. Jerry Capehart, age 69, died from cancer 1998. Gretchen Wilson's single "Redneck Woman" topped the
charts 2004.
1950
1958
All I Have to Do is Dream - The Everly
Brothers 1966
Distant Drums - Jim Reeves
1974
Pure Love - Ronnie Milsap 1982
Finally - T.G.
Sheppard Meat Loaf **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why do airlines overbook flights? LAST CALL
Y'ALL Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: |
|
| << June04, 2005 - The Daily Funnies |
June08, 2005 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
|
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies |
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management |
