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V  The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers THURSDAY JUNE 9,2005 "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged
Larry to a duel.
And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems
fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his
big sister!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the third day my husband, Joe, had been in the intensive care unit following his fifth surgery for the removal of most of his remaining small intestine. The surgery took many more hours than expected. Joe was older and weaker, and he wasn't responding. As I sat beside his bed, two nurses tried repeatedly to get him to cough, open his eyes, move a finger - anything to let them know he could hear them. He didn't respond. I sat praying to God to please help Joe respond - any sign that he might survive. Finally, one of the nurses turned to me and suggested that perhaps if she knew something personal about our family, she could try to stimulate his response with that knowledge. She said, "Maybe you, as his daughter, could help us with such information." I smiled and said, "I'll be happy to give you personal information, and thank you for the compliment, but I'm his wife of forty-three years, not his daughter, and we're about the same age." The nurse looked at me and said, "The entire staff thought you were his daughter and had even commented how wonderful they thought it was that his daughter was with him all the time." As they were expressing how I looked so young, a little cough came from my husband, and we all turned to stare at him. He didn't open his eyes, but loud and clear he said, "She dyes her hair!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just
then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process! Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried... Please pass some of this love on to others... suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do. Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!! Send this to everyone you love, and send it back to the person who sent it to you.... And never stop "making pancakes"!!! Lord, my soul is ripped with riot, Incited by my wicked diet. "We are what we eat," said a wise old man. Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can. I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain, But at my present weight I'll need a crane. So grant me strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol. May my flesh with carrot curls be sated, That my soul may be polyunsaturated. And show me the light that I may bear witness To the President's Council on Physical Fitness. And oleo margarine I'll never mutter For the road to h*** is spread with butter. And cream is cursed, and cake is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Mephistopheles lurks in provolone, The devil is in each slice of bologna. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop And Lucifer is a lollipop. Give me this day, my daily slice But cut it thin and toast it twice. I beg upon my dimpled knees, Deliver me from Ju Jubees. And when my days of trial are done And my war with malted milks is won, Let me stand with the saints in Heaven In a shining robe, size thirty-seven ! I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me The virtues of lettuce and celery. If you'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise The sinfulness of hollandaise, And pasta Milanese And potatoes a la Lyonnaise, And crisp fried chicken from the south. Lord, if you love me, SHUT MY MOUTH! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kerry, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She emailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, she was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally Kerry received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the risotto recipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal, speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" (I just love this!) "Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BaBs new exercise program Monday:
Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork. Tuesday:
Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of molehills. Hit the nail on the head. Wednesday:
Bend over backwards. Jump on the bandwagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles. Thursday:
Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire. Friday:
Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge. Saturday:
Pick up the pieces. Sunday: Never on Sunday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who, What, Or Where Is This? 1. More than three million people come to see me each year. 2. I'm found in California. 3. When I was shot by Ansel Adams, I didn't feel a thing. 4. Conservational John Muir and I are pictured on the new California state quarter. 5. My 'bridal veil' is all wet. 6. I'm home to a walk-through giant sequoia tree. 7. I think a half dome is better than none. 8. A gun-toting cartoon character named 'Sam' shares my name. 9. In 1864 Abraham Lincoln signed a bill that helped preserve me. 10. I became an official national park in 1890. Think you know the answer? Take a guess, then scroll down & see. . . THE ANSWER IS UNDER BUGGS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDEA FOR THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES! Six married
men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six
weeks.
Each kid
will play two sports and either take music or dance
classes.
There is no
fast food.
Each man
must take care of his 4 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all
homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of
"pretend" bills with not enough money. In addition...each man will have to
budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man
must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and
an appointment for a haircut.
He must also
make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man
will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers and
keep it presentable at all times.
The men will
only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them.
Each father
will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV
and the name of each and every repulsive character on
cartoons.
The men must
shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either
while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows
groomed.
During one
of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.
They must
attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the
afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need
to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth
and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.
A test will
be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know
all of the following information:
*each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor. Each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must
clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of
the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are
better.
Each man
will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one
marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of
peas.
The kids
vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man
wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a
moments notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and
over and over again for the next
18-25 years... eventually earning the right to be called Mother! Send this to
as many females you think will get a kick out of it and as many men you think
can handle it
!
~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies ****A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows." ~~~ When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest." "How long have you been married?" I asked. "Ten years," she replied. ~~~ One time in an evangelistic crusade the evangelist stopped the invitation and asked for every Christian to witness to the person next to them. A small boy turned to the gentleman standing near him and said, "Mister, do you know Jesus as your personal Savior?" Very condescendingly the man looked down at the little boy and replied, "Why son, I'm an ordained deacon." With all the innocence in the world, the little boy replied, "Mister, it don't matter what you've done. God will save you anyway!" ~ A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." ~~~ Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. ~ My soft-boiled egg was rock hard, and so I asked my wife how long she had set the timer for. "Two minutes," she replied. "Two minutes?" I asked incredulously, poking again at the solid mass. "Yes, two minutes," she said. Then, after a pause, she added, "I don't know how long it had been boiling before I set the timer." ~ Among the "freebies" ads in our local classified ads newspaper- such as a boat that no longer floats, a freezer that no longer freezes, flower bulbs you have to dig up-was one I could relate to: "Free, stair climber. No longer needed as a plant stand." ~
**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
****
On the entertainment front, illusionist-comic Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller fame just became a new dad last Friday. With the name he's graced his new baby girl with, you'd think it was another trick, but it's not. He and his wife have named their child Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. Jillette says they chose her middle name because when she's pulled over for speeding she can say, "But officer, we're on the same side. My middle name is CrimeFighter." No excuse was given for the first name. As usual, Teller was silent on the issue - AP/NBC 4 http://www.nbc4i.com/entertainment/4573621/detail.html?ontheside=picture ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Only in Ky or maybe in WV A burial service in Wilmore, Kentucky had to be stopped because the grave wasn't big enough for the casket. The family of Butch Van Bibber Jr. are threatening legal action against the funeral director who says his measurements were out by 16 inches. The burial was stopped and the vault in which Mr. Van Bibber's casket was being lowered had to be re-dug and widened. The incident happened in front of dozens of mourners who had gathered to pay their last respects. The Van Bibber family claim funeral director Gene Rentz tried to force the casket down and, in the words of Mrs. Van Bibber, tried to "bang" it into the grave. Mourners carried Mr. Van Bibber's casket back to the nearby chapel and waited two hours while the grave was altered. Mrs. Van Bibber said, "There were more than 100 mourners there, my husband was a popular man, and this is a horrible memory for me to have of his funeral. The preacher was wonderful and we cannot fault him he held a second service outside for the burial, after the first one had to be stopped." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ethos Hyson woke up early Thursday morning to find his Pierre, South Dakota house on fire. With firefighters and police swarming in the back half of his burning rental house, Hyson ran outside in his bedclothes and stocking feet. Despite the commotion, he found that at least one part of his morning routine would not be interrupted, the fresh-from-sleep call of nature. Because his bathroom was in flames, Hyson ducked behind a large oak tree in the back yard to relieve himself. Before he could finish, though, one of the police officers at the scene declared he was under arrest for lewd conduct. "I tried to tell him, 'Sir, my bathroom is burning. It's on fire.' But he didn't seem to care. As soon as I finished my business, he put handcuffs on me," Hyson said. With firefighters still flooding the back of the house with water, Hyson tried to explain his plight. It was a large oak tree, he argued, "large enough to conceal my whole body." So just after 6 A.M., with the back of his rented house still smoldering, Hyson, 71, was hauled off to jail. Hyson was released on his own recognizance a couple of hours later and returned home to assess the damage. "I guess I'll start looking for a new place to stay," Hyson said Thursday, standing beside the charred remains of his home. "Then tomorrow I have to go explain this to a judge." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M.
**** The doctor met a former patient on
the street. "Hello, Mr. Brown," he said. ****
Cool Links **** NEW YORK (AP) - Friends recalled Anne Bancroft as anything but
ordinary Tuesday, a day after the actress died at age 73. She died of uterine
cancer, In a long list of memorable film and stage roles, Bancroft was best known for her role as Mrs. Robinson in "The Graduate." It was a part she almost didn't take. She said in 2003 that nearly everyone discouraged her from
playing the role of Dustin Hoffman's middle-aged seductress "because it was all
about sex with a younger man." Yet Bancroft saw something deeper, viewing the
character as having unfulfilled dreams and having been relegated to a
conventional life with a conventional husband. Bancroft was among the most lauded actresses of the 1960s and 1970s, earning five Academy Award nominations and one Oscar, for playing the teacher of a young Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker," a role that also brought her one of two Tony Awards. Yet "The Graduate" overshadowed her other achievements. Hoffman delivered the famous line when he realized his girlfriend's mother was coming on to him at her house: "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"
The funeral line was
long,
There's an awful lot of cars, Folks came out of the restaurants, They came out of the bars. The workers at the construction sites All let their hammers drop. Someone asked. "What is this all for?" And they said,"Aw, just a Cop." Some chuckled at the passing cars. Some shed a silent tear Some people said,"It's stupid." "All these dumb policemen here." "How come they are not out fighting crime?" "Or in a doughnut shop?" "Sure is a lot of trouble, For someone who's just a Cop." They blocked the intersections, They blocked the interstate. People yelled and cursed, "Damn, it's gonna make me late!" "This is really ridiculous!" "They're makin' us all stop!" "It seems they are sure wastin' time, On someone who's just a Cop." Into the cemetery now, The slow procession comes, The woeful Taps are slowly played. There's loud salutes from guns. The graveyard workers shake their heads "This service is a flop." "There's lots of good words wasted, On someone who's just a Cop" Yeah, just a Cop to most folks. Did his duty every day. Trying to protect us, Till they took his life away. And when he got to heaven, St. Peter put him at the top. An angel asked him, "Who was that?" And he said, "Aw, just a Cop." "The Judgment" The Officer stood and faced his God, Which must always come to pass. He hoped his shoes were shinning, Just as brightly as his brass. "Step forward now, Officer, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To my church have you been true?" The Officer squared his shoulder and said, "No, Lord, I guess I aint, Because those of us who carry badges can't always be a saint. I've had to work most Sundays, And at times my talk was rough, And sometimes I've been violent Because the streets are tough. But I never took a penny That wasn't mine to keep. Though I worked a lot of overtime, when the bills got too steep. And I never passed a cry for help Though at times I shook with fear. And sometimes, God forgive me, I've wept an unmanly tear. I know I don't deserve a place among the people here. They never wanted me around except to calm their fear. If you've a place for me here, Lord, it needn't be so grand. I never expected or had too much, But if you don't...I'll understand. There was silence all around the throne, where the saints often trod. As the officer waited quietly for the judgment of his God. "Step forward now, Officer." "You've borne your burdens well." "Come walk a beat on heaven's streets," "You've done your time in Hell" ~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon Passes Biodiesel Bill ****
HEADS UP FOLKS **** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Les Paul, Grammy Award-winning guitarist,
born Waukesha, WI 1915. Herb Remington, steel
guitarist/bass/composer, member of Bob Wills' Texas Playboys, born Mishawaka, IN
1926. William Cox, "Cox
Family," born Cotton Valley, LA
1937. Stoney Cooper and
Wilma Lee Leary married
1941. Hank Thompson's "The
Wild Side Of Life" was #1
1952. Johnny Cash's "I Walk
The Line," charted 1956. The Everly Brothers
"All I have To Do Is Dream," topped the charts in
1958. Hank Locklin topped
the charts with "Please Help Me, I'm Falling"
1960. Marty Robbins released
"Hawaii's Calling Me/ Ka-lu-a"
1962. John Denver and Annie Martell were married
1967. Johnny Rodriquez's
"You Always Come Back," went to #1 in
1973. Johnny Cash went #1
with "One Piece At A Time"
1976. Merle Haggard topped
the charts with "Someday When Things Are Good"
1984. BNA released John
Anderson's album "Solid Ground"
1993. Sony released Johnny
Cash's album "VH-1 Storytellers"
1998. Warner Bros. released
Bela Fleck's "Left of Cool" album
1998. King released David
Allan Coe's "Johnny Cash Is a Friend of Mine"
1998. Gretchen Wilson's
album "Here For The Party" topped the charts
2004. Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html 1944
Straighten Up and Fly
Right - King Cole Trio 1952
The Wild Side of Life -
Hank Thompson 1960
Please Help Me, I??™m
Falling - Hank Lockin
1968
Honey - Bobby Goldsboro
1976
One Piece at a Time -
Johnny Cash 1984
Someday When Things are
Good - Merle Haggard
Onion Corn On The
Cob 1/2 cup of butter (soft) 1/2 tsp. salt 6 ears of corn or more depending on how it goes. Combine dry onion soup, butter,&salt and mix well. Spread on 1 tablespoon of mixture to each ear of corn.Wrap tightly in foil and bake at 425* or grill over hot coals for 30 to 35 minutes till tender. And of course use additional butter if you like. & Grilled Summer Vegetables" Serves 8 (Make enough to use with the following recipe) 4 small zucchini, halved lengthwise
2 medium yellow pepper(s), quartered 2 medium sweet red pepper(s), quartered 2 medium vidalia onion(s), cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices 2 serving olive oil cooking spray (5 one-second sprays per serving) 1/2 tsp table salt 1/2 tsp black pepper 3 Tbsp chives, fresh, snipped Preheat grill or grill pan. Place vegetables on a cutting board and coat with cooking spray. Grill vegetables, turning often, until
lightly charred and tender, about 10 to 12 minutes. Remove to cutting board. Cut
zucchini and bell peppers into bite-size chunks. Separate onions into
rings.
Place cooked vegetables in a large bowl and
sprinkle with salt, pepper and chives; toss lightly. Serve warm or cold. Store
leftovers for up to 4 days in the refrigerator. Yields about 1 cup per
serving.
Flavor Booster: For an aromatic vegetable
mix, thread vegetable chunks on fresh rosemary branches that have been soaked in
cold water. Cut the zucchini and onion into chunks, not slices. Grill as the
recipe directs.
What is the origin
of the custom of knocking on wood for luck? LAST
CALL Y'ALL Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL:
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