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If ya don't like the music, Just turn it
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V  The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY JUNE 14,2005
~~~~~ You might be a redneck if. . . it never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God. . ." you've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. you still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." you bow your head when someone prays. you stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. you treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have. you've never burned an American flag. you know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. you respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. you'd give your last dollar to a friend. We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOULD YOU GET THAT JOB ? With 2.9 million people unemployed, give or take a miliion or two, getting a job is top on a lot of peoples lists today. And for many of them, the hardest part of getting a job is the dreaded INTERVIEW. Here are a few questions that will help determine YOUR chances of success when you next go for a job interview. Just mark your answers A, B or C then tot up your final score to show what your chances are of handling that job! 1. What will you wear for the interview? A. A comfortable but obscene printed T-shirt and jeans. B. An outfit you bought in Oxfam. C. Your Sunday best. 2. To calm your nerves before the interview would you: A. Drink several pints of lager. B. Take a couple of Valium. C. Do the times crossword. 3. Your appointment is for 2.45pm. Would you arrive: A. At 3.15pm, after the pub has closed. B. A few minutes late to avoid waiting. C. Ten minutes early. 4. You go in for the interview and you are faced by three members of the interviewing panel. They are all standing as you enter. They all ask you to sit down. Would you: A. Not do so, but walk over to a painting and spent several minutes adjusting the angle. B. Move your chair aroung a bit before slumping in to it and putting your feet upon the desk. C. Do so immediately. 5. You are offered a cup of coffee. Would you: A. Clumsily knock it over the interview committee`s desk, soaking their lists of questions and their trousers. B. Refuse it and ask for something stronger. C. Accept it, and cleverly sip it at descreet moments during the interview. 6. The first interviewer is very unfriendly. Would you: A. Punch him in the face. B. Wave a finger at him across the table telling him to "watch it". C. Smilingly answer all his questions. 7. The second interviewer is very friendly. Would you: A. Plan for your families to go on a holiday together. B. Ask them round your house for drink. C. Smilingly answer all his questions. 8. You find the third interviewer rather attractive. Would you: A. Ask them out for drink that evening. B. Wink and use subtle body language to let your feelings known. C. Smilingly answer all their questions. 9. You are asked about your former boss. Would you: A. Say "I`d rather not talk about that bastard". B. Say that you had a personality clash. C. Mention all your formal employer`s good points. 10. You are asked about your hobbies and interests. Would you: A. Boast about your reputation as a football hooligan and produce a scrap book of newspaper cuttings featuring your various court appearances. B. Say you like to hit the town on the pop most nights. C. Mention you like to play golf from time to time. 11. You are asked to give details of past experience. Would you: A. Laugh like Sid James, nudge the interviewer, and proceed to make thinly veiled references to your past sexual activities. B. Say you have had no experience. C. Give a brief summary of any past experience you might of had. 12. You feel a build-up of wind occuring. Would you: A. Fart as loudly as possible and award yourself a mark out of ten. B. Ask "Whose farted?" in order to alleviate the blame before releasing it as quietly as possible. C. Suppress it and hope that it goes away. 13. Finally, you are asked how much you`d expect to earn. Would you: A. Ask "How much do you three earn?". B. Say "25,000 a year - plus perks". C. Say "Whatever the going rate is for the job". 14. The interview is over. Do you: A. Yawn as if the whole thing was a bore and ask, "Well, do I get the job or what?". B. Exit swiftly into a broom cupboard, emerge again red faced and then leave again through the right door. C. Shake hands and thank the interviewers for their courtesy. HOW DID YOU DO? A - 1 POINT B - 2 POINTS C - 3 POINTS 40 OR OVER - Your prospects are excellent. All you have to do now is find a job vacancy. 30 TO 39 - There`s hope for you yet. Pick up a copy of the leaflet "HOW DO I GET A JOB EVEN THOUGH THERE AREN`T ANY" from your local job centre or job club. 20 TO 29 - Try the Y.T.S. BELOW 20 - Stay in bed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 42-pts. heh heh heh ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,
"in-laws." A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and
asked, "What?" The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top
of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS" After a lady's car had
leaked motor oil on her cement
driveway, she bought a large back of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered
her. Looking thoughtfully at her
purchase, he said, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Saddam Hussein will stand trial for a list of charges released by a tribunal Monday.
Five hundred charges were reduced to
fourteen,
and twelve of those involve
digging a hole without calling the gas
company first. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A very genteael Southern lady was driving across a Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready {fixin'} to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of yoah deah momma and daddy."
These are actual notes left for the
Milkman **** Quickies ****Q. What do cats like on their hot dogs? A. Mouse-tard ~ Q. What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A. A cookie sheet. ~ The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. Among other things, she always ignored the telephone when it rang. "Donna, you must answer the telephone," he told her irritably. "All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do birds give out on Halloween night? A. Tweets. ~ A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building. The teller answered, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit." ~ Q. What do you call a cat who sucks on lemons? A. A sour puss. ~ Q. What do you get if you leave a pile of bones out in the sun? A. A skele-tan ~ Q. Where do extra smart frankfurters end up? A. On Honor Rolls Yeah, but they're steamed when they get there ~ Blanche: I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a bum a five-dollar bill. Rabbi: You gave a bum five whole dollars? That??™s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it? Blanche: ???Thanks.??? ~ a Verrrrry Good Question Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?" It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root? ~ Q: What happend to the mama cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had mittens. ~ Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** Two armed bank robbers who stormed into the lobby of a German bank had to leave empty handed when they found it was shut. The two men, wearing ski masks, entered the bank's foyer but found the bank was closed. Only a self-service zone in the foyer was open. A woman customer who was there at the time said the men appeared confused. Local police are examining the video material from the surveillance cameras ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** - Sisters Have Chip on Their Shoulder Over Disturbing Find - HOUSTON - Two sisters who went to check on their mother's remains were disturbed when they found a potato chip can in place of their mother's ashes. Marcelle Lieberman and Harriet Lieberman Mellow are suing a synagogue and two funeral companies, claiming that the remains of their mother weren't properly secured. Their lawsuit said that a cedar chest holding the ashes was missing - and a can of sour- cream-and- onion potato chips was sitting in its place. Synagogue officials and the two funeral companies all deny responsibility. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Friends Don't Let Friends Drive [Lawn Mowers] Drunk ---- DELHI TOWNSHIP, Ohio - When Joseph Mundy got the munchies at 3 a.m., he decided to make a trip to the store - on his lawn mower. Police charged Mundy with a DUI after he was spotted riding down the street in the dark. "He didn't have head- lights, of course, and the officer almost hit him, and he thought it was stolen," said Delhi Township Cpl. Joe Macaluso. "But he ruled that out real quickly, and he realized the munchies got the best of him." A tow truck was called for the mower. "This is the most bizarre call I've ever had," said Joe Elliott, of Schaffer's Towing. "It was something you'd see on 'COPS,' but not something you go out and do." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -------- Ice Cream Man Offers More Than Cool Treats -------- MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Marshall Gene Beasley was arrested on charges of selling marijuana out of his ice cream truck. "This is a guy going down neighborhood streets who's around and near children," said David McGriff, drug task force director. "I'm not saying he sold to children, but we bought marijuana from him while he was operating the ice cream truck." The 27-year-old has to give back the truck and its contents because it's believed that the company had no involvement in Beasley's wrong-doings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
**** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can Dale Jr. turn it
around? Force loses Funny
Car ground; Kalitta, Line, Ellis also prevail.
Roush driver rules
Pocono for second win; Vickers runner-up.
Busch race ends
under caution; Sorenson takes points lead.
Raikkonen ends
Schumacher's bid for 4-peat at Canadian GP.
South African
edges Hornish for second IRL win; Patrick lags.
Drivers exchange
messages, don't expect carryover on Sunday.
Montreal promoter
envisions stock cars at site of Canadian GP.
Win 25th career
Trucks Series race with fast finish in Texas.
Speed's training
session ends 12-year American absence.
F1 star has
yet win in 2005 heading to Sunday's Montreal race.
**** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER **** Burl Ives born Newton, IL
1909. George Carlisle born
1911. Lester Flatt born Overton County, TN
1914. Fiddlin John Carson recorded his first record in
Atlanta, for Okeh Records 1923. Tex Ritter married Dorothy Fay Southworth,
1941. Janie Black, recording artist, born
1944. Hank Williams released "Move It On Over,"
1947. Hank Williams recorded "Honky Tonk Blues,"
1950. Patsy Cline was seriously injured in a car wreck on a
Nashville street in 1961. Patsy went through the windshield and received
a dislocated hip, broken wrist, and serious lacerations on her face, and cracked
ribs. Patsy was unable to sing for
the next eight months. Ernest V. "Pop" Stoneman, age 75, of the "Stoneman
Family" died in Nashville 1968. Johnny Rodriquez went to #1 with "You Always Come
Back" 1973. Alabama's debut album "My Home's In Alabama," charted
1980. Bob Rolontz, age 79, record executive, originator of
the platinum record, died 2000. Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton inducted into the
National Academy of Popular Music, Songwriters Hall of Fame, in New York City in
2001. The Charlie Daniels Museum debuted in downtown
Nashville, 2001. Josh Turner and Jennifer Ford were married in
2003. Little Jimmy Dickens interrupted Trace Adkins while
he was performing on the Grand Ole Opry in 2003. Jimmy asked Trace if he
would like to become a member of the Opry, Trace, tearfully said of course I
would, and Jimmy said, "Come back on August 23, 2003 and you'll be inducted as a
member." Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html 1949
One Kiss Too Many - Eddy
Arnold 1957
Four Walls - Jim Reeves
1965
What??™s He Doing in My
World - Eddy Arnold
1973
You Always Come Back (To Hurting
Me) - Johnny Rodriguez 1981
What are We Doin??™ in Love - Dottie West with Kenny Rogers
1989 Better Man - Clint Black
"Bite-Size Crustless Quiches" Makes 18 bite-size quiches.
These hors d'oeuvres are quick to prepare, so you have more time with friends. They're also easier to handle than slices of a large quiche--making them ideal finger food. 1 tablespoon butter or margarine
1/2 cup finely chopped red bell pepper 1/4 cup chopped green onion (white and green parts) 3 large eggs 2 tablespoons milk 2 ounces Cheddar cheese, coarsely grated (1/2 cup) 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper Step 1:
Preheat the oven to 425?°. Grease one tray of 24 mini muffin-pan cups (1 3/4- x 1-inch). In a small saucepan, melt butter over moderate heat. Add bell pepper and onion; saute until soft, about 5 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat and let the mixture cool slightly. Step 2:
In a medium-size bowl, combine eggs, milk, cheese, salt, and pepper. Stir in the bell pepper and onions. Spoon about 1 tablespoon of the mixture into each muffin cup. (The mixture will fill 18 to 22 cups.) Step 3:
Bake until the centers are set, 8 to 10 minutes. Let the quiches cool for 1 minute. Using a knife, loosen the quiches around the edges and remove from the cups. Arrange them on a platter and serve.
"Household Tips"
Use an electric hair dryer as a bellows when trying to
start a fire in the fireplace.
Hair spray will remove all kinds of glue from your
hands. Just spray and wash with a wet cloth. It will also stop runners in
hosiery without leaving an ugly spot. Additionally, spraying wasps and other
insects with hair spray will kill them. Supposedly it makes them too stiff
to fly.
Envelope flaps that won't stick will after a quick
application of colorless nail polish. It dries quickly, leaves no smudge and
can't even be steamed open.
If your car is stuck on ice and you can't get any
traction, pour household bleach on and around the rear tires. Also, a bag
of kitty litter will provide traction for tires. It's excellent too for icy
driveways, steps and walkways.
Use a little talcum powder or cornstarch mixed with a
few drops of water as a filler for nail holes in plastered walls. Force
the mixture into the holes, then smooth with your fingers.
If the head of your hammer is loose, soak it overnight
in a pail of water.
The wood will expand and the handle will automatically tighten around the base of the head. A stamp will peel right off if you rub lighter fluid
on the inside of the envelope behind the stamp.
Use a party paper table cloth to gift-wrap a very
large package.
"Helpful Things To Know"
1. Budweiser beer conditions the
hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish 3. Cool whip will condition your hair in
15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it
will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your
face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if
any
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton
Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of
Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest
toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on
it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in,
kill insect stings too
11 Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue
is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jello!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks
vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put
in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
(Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also
Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it
won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of
CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick
cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from
your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby.
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls 24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on,
sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the
vinegar!
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food
coloring. Heat the Crisco in
the microwave,
pour in to an empty film container and mix with the
food color of your choice!
27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid
in a container, tie a
rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak. 28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large
bottle of club soda and
cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years! 29. A Slinky will hold toast and
CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging,
coat with Colgate
toothpaste 31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and
watch it absorb into the
salt. 32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron
it over the wax stain,
it will absorb into the towel. 33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with
Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water,
get a Bounce paper
softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight! 35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and
brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove
grease stains from
the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries! 40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule
Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand
for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again. 41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little
Clorox, or 2 Bayer
aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
When did brides start carrying
bouquets? TOON TIME LAST CALL
Y'ALL Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: 51302/ b.cgi?25438"> |
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