The apartment was vacant but the landlord was very fussy about who it was rented to. One day a young chap appeared. "Any children, radios, phonographs, cats, dogs or pets of any kind?" asked the landlord. "No" the young man answered. "But I think I ought to tell you I have a fountain pen that scratches a little."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she
forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when
she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear,
there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the
bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with
icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the
church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at
the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When
the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later Alice was invited to a
friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get
off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a
beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say,
"Thank you, . I baked it myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told  
me he was really something special.'  

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him.  
The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing  
like a bird.'  

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish  
because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'  

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'  

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach  
a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a  
parrot fish.'  

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish  
CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's  
driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My four-year-old granddaughter, Lana, asked her aunt Arlene why she is her guardian. Arlene explained what guardian means and ended by saying that "if anything ever happened to your mom and dad, Uncle Jason and I would take care of you and your brother." "So, if Mom and Dad die, Nathan and I will live with you and Uncle Jason?" Lana asked. "That's right," Arlene replied, concerned that Lana would be saddened by the discussion. "Well," Lana said, "then I'd better get your phone number." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
For those that need them......Conversion Factors

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its
diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and
smacking the pavement  = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with G~d =
1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical
mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer =
1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes -
a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

16. 365 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing
at Yale University Hospital = 1  I.V. League
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother: "Well, son, were you a good boy in school today?"
Son: "Sure Mom, how much trouble can you get into while you stand
in the corner all day?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down.

He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood.
About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to
see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!

He runs around and yells,

"Hey, bud, this is *MY* car! What do you think you're doing?"

"Okay, okay," the man says, "Tell you what.....you take the front and I'll
take the back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A couple named Tate had had a life-long dream. They had always wanted
to own and operate their own business, but they never knew what business to
go into. Mr.Tate had always loved geography, so when they had enough money
to open a business, they decided to open a business that manufactured
compasses. They struggled with small orders, but one day landed the biggest
order of them all: the Boy Scouts of America ordered 10,000 compasses from
the Tates.

     Needless to say, the Tates were thrilled, but they weren't set up to
manufacture so many compasses. They worked day and night, struggling to fill
the order. Finally, they completed he manufacture and delivery of the 10,000
Tate compasses. Unfortunately, in their rush to fill the huge order, they
made a mistake. The blue-colored needle that was supposed to point to
magnetic north pointed south instead.

This was a major mistake. The boy scouts took their new   compasses on
hikes, and many were hopelessly lost due to the faulty compasses. The boy
scouts never bought another Tate compass.

After all, they reasoned:

    "He who has a Tate's is lost."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.

St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saddam Hussein will stand trial for a list of charges released by a tribunal
Monday.

Momentum is dwindling. Five hundred charges were reduced to fourteen, and
twelve of those involve digging a hole without calling the gas company
first!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~