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If ya don't like the music, Just turn it
off
V  The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New Subscribers MONDAY JUNE 18,2005 "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the
county workers go out and erected a sign thatsaid: SLOW: SCHOOL
CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John
called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make themgo even
faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a newsign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The
sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those
drivers. Did you
put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one
chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really
curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look
at that sign ...
it might be something that WE
could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to
Farmer John's house, and his jaw
dropped the
moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: "NUDIST COLONY"
*** Go slow and watch out for the chicks
***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two men were talking, comparing insane asylums to public schools. The first man said, "I can see no difference between the two. You are severely in need of help when admitted to either one." The second man said, "That may be true, but I can point out one BIG difference!" "What's that?" asked the first man. "In an insane asylum, you have to show some improvement before they will let you out in the 'real world!'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JUST CAN'T WIN A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open ". Not a phrase
that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was
about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up
and finished his shopping.
At the
checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him
about his "barracks door."
He was
planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at
attention?"
The lady
(naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I
didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel
bags".
~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~ A redneck had a flat tire and
pulled off the road.
and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to
wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat
tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's
with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break
down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it neither
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The 5 toughest questions for men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty.. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!") ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MONDAY MESSAGE A ragged individual stranded for months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of activity," he read, "we have regretfully found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never a good dieter, my mother was in the "on-again" phase of her "on-again, off-again" diet plan. She loves sweets, and one day I caught her pouring chocolate syrup into a cup. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "I'm saving calories," she insisted. "I'm eating it without the ice cream." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Middlefield, Ohio, they opened an Amish Wal-Mart -- a Wal-Mart catering to the Amish community. The Amish people say it's the greatest thing since unsliced bread. - Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jill was in Las Vegas and winning big at the Let It Ride table. She told her husband, "Tonight, you sleep with a rich woman." Before long though, she had lost everything. As they left the casino, her husband said, "So, am I to go to this rich woman's room, or is she coming to ours?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A curious fellow died one day, and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that
some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly
Gates into Heaven. Others though,
were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning
pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this
several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best! of him.
So he strolled over, and asked
Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those
people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the
others?" "Oh those . . ." Satan groaned. "They're all from Michigan .. They're still too cold and wet to burn." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace cell phone for women. it hangs down right here to a woman's cleavage. every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get
it.' Regarding the year 2000, a senior at WVU was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in West Virginia."
When asked why, he stated that
everything happens here
20 years later than the rest
of the civilized world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife!" ~~~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~~~ Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~~~ What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. - Mark Twain ~~~ By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates ~~~ I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx ~~~ My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante ~~~ I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor ~~~ My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Ed Furgol ~~~ Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan ~~~ What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman ~~~ I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.- Mark Twain ~~~ Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath ~~~ Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith ~~~ I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope ~~~ We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers ~~~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill ~~~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller ~~~ The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.- Unknown ~~~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal ~~~ In the gossip department... The National Enquirer said that Britney Spears is upset that husband Kevin Federline splurged and bought himself a $250,000 Ferrari 360 Spider. What really upset her though was when she went out to the driveway and saw that it was being washed by Paris Hilton. - Jay Leno ~~~ Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one. I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes. ~~~ Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?" Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter." Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!" Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother." ~~~ A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer- service representatives. "I want to deposit my paycheck, but I'm not sure how to do it," he said. "No problem," said Lisa as she took his check and passbook. There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, "That's it?" "That's it. Just give your paycheck to me, and I'll take care if it." The man suddenly looked at her curiously. "Say," he drawled, "are you my wife?" Redneck Corner??¦ What does NASCAR stand for? Non-Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks ~~~ You know you??™re a blonde redneck if you have to hear one of Jeff Foxworthy's redneck jokes 7 times before you get it. ~~~ If someone hollers hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor. ~~~ If the most commonly heard phrase in your house is "Someone go jiggle the handle". ~~~ If you have ever used a bar stool as a walker. ~~~ If you ever got hot flashes at a cattle auction. ~~~ If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. ~~~ If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as dual air bags. ~~~ If your wife has ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath". ~~~ If you have ever blamed money loss on farm animals. ~~~ If you cut your toenails in front of company. ~~~ If you had ever tried to file a police report for somebody puking in your fish bowl. ~~~ If sombody puked in your fish bowl. More Stupid Warning Labels ??¦ It amazes me that they probably HAD to put these on here for the very reason??¦ Directions for mosquito repellant: Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one. On a birthday card for a one-year-old: Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less. In a hotel bedroom: Please do not turn on TV except when in use. In a lift in a Japanese hotel: Push this button in case anything happens. On a toilet cleaning brush: Do not use orally. On a can of Spray paint: Do not spray in your face. On a TV remote: Not Dishwasher safe. On a blowtorch: Not used for drying hair. On a washing machine inn a launderette: No small children. On a bottle of hair dye: Do not use as Ice Cream topping. On a push along lawn mower: Not to be used as a hedge trimmer. On a box of fireworks: Do not put in mouth. On the packaging for a wrist watch: Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants. In a dishwasher manual: Do not allow children to play in dishwasher. On a toaster: Do not use underwater. On a mattress: Do not attempt to swallow.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card. The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one. "Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked. "Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** British motorists on a busy motorway could not believe their eyes when they drove into a cloud of money Saturday. Two unlucky motorcyclists lost $10,500 in cash when their backpack burst open while traveling. Drivers stopped on the hard shoulder to help the distraught motorcyclists gather the $20, but strong winds quickly blew them across the roadway and only $500 money was recovered. Things only got worse for the motorcyclists, their bike broke down two miles further along the highway. A police spokesman said officers were investigating their story that they were carrying so much money because they were on their way to buy a car. ~~~ A Brazilian bank has been ordered to pay a former secretary $5,000 after her boss told her to keep a plastic turtle on her desk. The unnamed manager told his secretary to keep the toy turtle on her desk to remind her of how slow she worked. The judge ordered the bank to pay the money "for pain and suffering" to the former poky employee. ~~~ Three armed masked men rushed into the flat of a 41-year-old woman in the city of Ulyanovsk, Russia and asked the woman for money. The fear of the attack paralyzed the woman. The woman was standing flabbergasted, not being able to say a word. The thieves were meanwhile rummaging around the apartment, looking for something valuable. When the lady came to her senses, she attacked one of the robbers, having thrown herself on one of the men - he was standing near her at that moment. It is worth mentioning that the woman was rather heavy - she weighed 120 kilos (approx 265 pounds) . The thief could not resist the heaviness and fell down on the floor. The unlucky man was not able to move because of the massive lady's weight. The burglar tried to resist, of course, but the courageous housewife was mightily defending her home. The man's accomplices were shocked with what they saw. They dropped what they had been able to steal so far and escaped from the crime scene. The woman was lying on the thief for at least an hour, when the lady's daughter returned home. Needless to say that the girl was astonished to see her mother lying on a moaning young man. The brave woman agreed to release the poor thief only when the police arrived. Police officers said that the man had suffered a lot from the weight of a big woman: his arms and legs were all swollen. The young man was only 20 years old. To crown it all, his "weapon" was just a toy gun. ~~~ Tom Cruise has just become more nauseating than Brad Pitt. The 42 year-old actor has finally taken the PR blitz to the Nth degree and popped the question to the young Katie Holmes. It happened early Friday morning, high atop the Eiffel Tower, and complete with ginormous diamond ring. Katie gushes that growing up she always had a poster of Cruise in her bedroom and often dreamed of marrying him someday. Anyone got an airsick bag? I think I'm gonna hurl! Fox News http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,159860,00.html Britney Spears hubby Kevin "Cletus" Federline is a prize and a half. The pregnant pop star and leech - um, hubby were invited to celebrate Disney's 50th anniversary. Spears invited the Disney bosses to her hotel room, and when they entered, there was Cletus watching porn. She tried to cover by saying, "Boys will be boys. Honey, you didn't tell me you'd brought along Sleeping Booty!" No word on whether there were any Cheetos involved - Web India http://news.webindia123.com/news/showdetails.asp?id=88971&cat=Entertainment ~~~  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****  **** HEALTH NEWS **** Weight-loss test uses stomach pacemaker CHICAGO, -- Patients are trying to lose weight with the help of electrical jolts from stomach pacemakers implanted at Chicago's Northwestern University Medical School. Doctors have implanted the devices in 190 obese patients to test whether stomach pacemakers, which work like heart pacemakers, can help them lose 25 to 40 percent of their excess weight. The program also includes changes in diet and exercise and counseling. "The theory is that the pace- maker sends an electrical signal to the stomach, and most likely the brain, that tells the patients they feel full faster and don't have the appetite they normally have," lead researcher Jay Prystowsky told CBS. Exactly why the electrical jolt curbs hunger is not yet understood. The experiment has helped Chicagoan Mary Kempton shed 25 pounds. She does not know if the device implanted in her stomach is a pacemaker or a placebo. ~~~ 26 percent of U.S. suffers mental disorder BETHESDA, Md., -- Twenty-six percent of U.S. residents had symptoms of a mental disorder in the past year but only 17 percent got professional help, a landmark study concludes. Six percent had such severe problems they could not func- tion normally for an average of three months, concludes the study by the National Institute of Mental Health in Bethesda, Md., the University of Michigan and Harvard University. The study, which conducted face-to-face inter- views with 9,282 randomly selected people, concludes half of the people living in the United States will develop mental illness, with the young being hit the hardest. Twenty-seven other countries were completing studies sim- ilar to the $20 million U.S. effort, but the United States was poised to be No. 1 in the world in mental illness. "We lead the world in a lot of good things, but we're also leaders in this one particular domain that we'd rather not be," lead researcher Ronald Kessler told the Washington Post. Researchers reported results of the study in four articles in the June issue of Archives of General Psychiatry. ~~~ Two-minute exercise may do the trick HAMILTON, Ontario, -- For those struggling to fit exercise in their schedule, only two minutes of intense exercise could do the trick, according to Canadian researchers. "The whole excuse that 'I don't have enough time to exer- cise' is directly challenged by these findings," said study author Martin Gibala, of McMaster University, Hamilton, Ontario. "This has potential to change the way we think about keeping fit." The study, published the Journal of Applied Physiology, found the two-minute workout produced the same muscle enzymes -- essential for preventing type 2 diabetes -- as cycling for 10 times as long, reported the Daily Mail. The researchers tracked 23 men and women aged 25 to 35 of moderate fitness in workouts of intense to moderate activity. The two-minute workout -- cycling furi- ously on a stationary bike in four 30-second bursts with four minutes' rest in between -- three times a week dis- played the same health and fitness benefits as others who cycled at a moderate pace for a total of six hours, accord- ing to Gibala. People should consult their doctor before changing their exercise routine. ~~~ Medical providers to standardize data NEW YORK, -- More than 50 major U.S. health insurers, medi- cal associations, hospitals and technology companies have banded together to standardize patient information. Medical providers will be able to use an electronic record keeping system of their own choice, perhaps as early next year, to avoid the cumbersome process of obtaining patients' health- insurance eligibility information, the Wall Street Journal reported Friday. Currently, medical practices have no single way of checking whether a patient has health insur- ance and what it covers -- often staffers spend hours on the phone verifying patient information with managed-care companies or logging on to dozens of health-plan Web sites. This administrative expense can cost physicians in a practice of about 10 physicians about $39,000 and larger medical centers about $1 million, on average, annually, according to a survey conducted for the Medical Group Management Association. ~~~ Ebola, Marburg vaccines developed FREDERICK, Md., -- In a major breakthrough, U.S. and Canadian scientists report developing vaccines against Ebola and Marburg effective among primates. The vaccines were developed by the Public Health Agency of Canada in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases in Frederick, Md. A study on their discoveries appears in this month's Nature Medicine. Canadian researchers Heinz Feldmann and Steven Jones, along with Thomas Geisbert of USAMRIID report the vaccines have proven 100 percent effective in protecting monkeys against infection from these often deadly viruses. Monkeys are known to develop hemorrhagic fever symptoms that are similar to those observed in humans infected by these viruses. The safety of vaccines in monkeys is a promising indicator of their real potential for use in humans, the researchers said. ~~~ MILK MAY HELP PROTECT HEART A diet rich in milk does not increase the risk of heart disease and stroke and could actually be protective, scientists say. Their study of 665 men ages 45 to 59, pub- lished in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, found men who drank the most milk, a pint or more a day, had a higher energy intake -- suggesting they were more active -- similar cholesterol levels and blood pressure readings and lower risk of ischemic heart disease or stroke than those who drank the least, less than half a pint. The milk shunners tended to drink the most alcohol, the study showed ~~~ OVERWEIGHT PLUS INSULIN RESISTANCE MAY EQUAL EARLY AGING Tulane University researchers have found a biological link between insulin resistance, weight gain and signs of early aging in the blood. Scientists have associated obesity with early death, but have not fully understood the process of aging at the cellular level. In the new study, published in the journal Circulation, researchers found obese people with insulin resistance have prematurely shortened white blood cell telomeres, a sign of aging. Telomeres, a part of chromosomes, become shorter over time as cells multiply and reproduce. "We know that obesity and insulin resistance place a physical burden on the body, leading to inflamma- tion, the production of more blood to feed the body, and oxidative stress, all of which are important factors in the biology of aging," says study co-author cardiologist Gerald Berenson. ~~~ PROTECTING EYES FROM SUN Your eyes need as much protection from harmful sun rays as your skin, doctors say. The ultraviolet rays can increase the risk of developing such eye disorders as cataracts and age-related macular degeneration, two leading causes of reduced vision in the United States. So, when going out on a sunny day, specialists advise, wear a hat and sunglasses with UV protection. For even greater protection, you may want to consider UV-blocking contact lenses to keep out the harmful rays that can enter the eye from above and around the sunglasses. "Everyone, especially individuals who spend time in the sun for extended periods, is at risk for eye damage from the sun year-round," says Dr. Stephen Cohen, a Scottsdale, Ariz., optometrist and past president of the Arizona Optometric Association. "Taking steps to protect your eyes is as important as applying sunscreen to protect your skin." ~~~ THERAPY MAY HELP STROKE PATIENTS A therapy using magnetic pulses to stimulate the brain may help improve recovery after a stroke, scientists say. In their study, published in Neurology, the treatment, called repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation, improved motor function in a small group of patients. For the stim- ulation, an insulated wire coil is placed on the scalp, and a brief electrical current is passed through, creating a magnetic pulse that stimulates the outer part of the brain, called the cortex. The study involved eight stroke patients, ages 35 to 63, who were relearning to use their hands. They were compared to six people who had never had a stroke. With the stimulations, the stroke patients improved by as much as 50 percent on some of the tests, says Dr. Felipe Fregni of Harvard Medical School and Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. "These results need to be confirmed by larger studies with more patients, but the results are encouraging," he says. **** ON THIS DAY **** "Drive Thru"
I rose this morn with much to do - Hopped in the car and off I flew. No time for breakfast, that I knew -
Glad "Dunkin DoNuts" has Drive Thru. In need of dollars, quite a few -
Went to the bank teller's Drive Thru. Then filled all my prescriptions too -
At "Pharmacy's" brand new Drive Thru. Some bills to mail in box of blue -
Off to the "Post Office" Drive Thru. Picked up the laundry cleaned anew -
Just stopped at "Suds & Duds" Drive Thru. With lunchtime near, my tummy's queue -
Got a "Big Mac" from the Drive Thru. The car by then was low on fuel -
Full serve at "Shell", just Drive on Thru. And when they fill the tank for you -
Your car's washed free - in their Drive Thru. Library books were overdue -
The curbside slot is a Drive Thru. Then videos must go back too -
"Blockbuster" has their own Drive Thru. In need of milk and bread, I knew -
I stopped at "Dairymaid's" Drive Thru. The family asked "Please, can we do -
The "Drive In" show when dinner's thru???" ~~~ "Explain God"
Here is a wonderful essay written by a young girl after being asked to
explain God as a Sunday School project. Enjoy!
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers." "God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of
this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside
bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this.
Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears,
unless He has thought of a way to turn it off."
"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him
pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and
dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any
in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church."
"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water
and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn
about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified
Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they
didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."
"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard
work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He
could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to
prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which
ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary,
only more important."
"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they
got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."
"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and
if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do
something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And
besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."
"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very
lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God
can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when
you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."
"But... you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I
figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God." Author Unknown **** HEADS UP FOLKS
**** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jimmy
Driftwood born, "James Corbet Morris," in Mountain View, AR 1907.
T. Texas
Tyler, singer/songwriter born Mena, AR 1916. Marshall Pack born
1922. Chester Burton "Chet" Atkins, born Luttrell, TN
1924. Inducted CMHF
1973. Ann Murray born Springhill, Nova Scotia, Canada
1945. Eddy Arnold topped the charts with "It's A Sin"
1947. Faron Young's single "Live Fast, Love Hard, Die
Young" was #1 in 1955. Evelyn Marie Cox, "Cox Family," born Springhill, LA
1959. Buck Owens' single "Act Naturally" topped the charts
1963. Ira Louvin, age 41, and wife Anne, died in an
automobile accident near Williamsburg, MO
1965. Member Grand
Ole Opry. Inducted NSHF 1979, CMHF
2001. Jerry Reed's "When You're Hot, You're Hot" was #1 in
1971. Buck Owens recorded "You Ain't Gonna Have Ol' Buck To
Kick Around No More" 1972. Kenny Rogers' single "She Believes In Me" was #1 in
1979. Louise Massey, age 80, of "Louise Massey & the
Westerners" died 1983. Whitey Ford, "The Duke Of Paducah," died at age 85,
in Nashville, TN 1986.
Joined the Grand Ole Opry 1942, inducted CMHF
1986. Randy Travis
topped the charts with "Forever and Ever, Amen"
1987. Changes to the set, and lighting
on stage at the Grand Ole Opry were made in 2000. A huge projection screen was
added to the new backdrop. These were the first changes to the d?©cor in twenty
years. Gretchen Wilson's album "Here For
The Party" was # 1 2004.
1947
It??™s a Sin - Eddy Arnold
1955
Live Fast, Love Hard, Die
Young - Faron Young
1963
Act Naturally - Buck Owens
1971
When You??™re
Hot, You??™re Hot - Jerry Reed 1979
She Believes in Me - Kenny
Rogers 1987
Forever and Ever, Amen -
Randy Travis June 17, 2005: Josh Gracin's self-titled debut album has been
certified gold (sales over 500,000 units) by the RIAA. The disc was released
June 15, 2004. The first single from the album, "I Want To Live," was a Top 5
hit and the second single, "Nothin' To Lose," hit the top. Gracin's current
single, "Stay With Me (Brass Bed)," is on the charts. 8 boneless, skinless chicken breasts 2 cups buttermilk 2 Tbsp. Old Bay seasoning (you can substitute paprika) 1 tsp. Tabasco sauce 1 small onion, minced 1 clove garlic, minced Salt and pepper 1 cup flour 1 cup vegetable oil Combine buttermilk, Old Bay (or paprika), Tabasco, onion, garlic, salt and pepper. Pour over chicken breasts and allow to marinate for 3 - 4 hours. Pour flour onto large plate. Remove chicken breasts from marinade and coat with flour. Place floured chicken on wax paper and refrigerate for 1 hour. Remove chicken from refrigerator and allow to warm to room temperature (about 15 minutes) In a large frying pan or skillet, heat oil to 370 degrees. Cook chicken breasts one at a time for about 7 - 10 minutes each side until brown and cooked through. Drain chicken breasts on paper towels.Serves 8 & Bavarian Raspberry Cream Pie 1 baked cooled pie shell (9 inch) 2 pints raspberries 1 cup sugar 2 tablespoons gelatin 1 tablespoon lemon juice 2 cups of whipped cream Crush 1 quart (roughly 2 pints) raspberries and add one cup of sugar. Let stand ?? hour. Soak 2 tablespoons of gelatin in 3 tablespoons of water, dissolve in 3 tablespoons of boiling water. Stir into berries. Add one tablespoon lemon juice. When almost set, fold in 2 cups of whipped cream.Pour into pie shell and cool. Sprinkle top with granola, coconut, chocolate shavings, or more whipped cream and fresh berries. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why do dimes and quarters have ridged edges
while nickels and pennies have flat edges? LAST CALL Y'ALL A redneck who owned a golf course
was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask
his secretary for some mathematical
help. He called her into office and said,
"You graduated from the University of
West Virginia and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?
"Everything but my earrings."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear? The L.A.P.D. recently instituted a new test for DUI. The new testing was going quite well until rookie cop Hans Sebastian stopped a erratic driver leaving Joe' burrito and beer stand. Since Hans had not been the brightest student at the police academy, he incorrectly administered the test. When he struck the match, he held it up to the suspect's posterior and then instructed him to "blow" The L.A.P.D. is now being named in a 1.5 million dollar liability suit by Joe's burrito stand. Further usage of the new test has been suspended by the dept. , pending investigation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  That's all folks *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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