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The Almost Daily Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
THURSDAY JUNE 23,2005
THOUGHTS FOR
TODAY:
Sometimes it's nice to be important, but it's always important to be
nice.
Some people have minds like blotters: They soak up everything
but get it all backward.
The policeman arrived at the scene of an
accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for
witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed
he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the
accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman,
"I was at the top of the pole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mexican
Jews
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a
Mexican
restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our
faith born
and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know,
let's ask our waiter." When
the waiter came by, Al asked him,
"Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the
waiter said, "I don't
know Senor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the
kitchen
in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al
wasn't
really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely
sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave
the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into
the
kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it
hard to believe that
there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere." The waiter
returned and said, "Senor, the
head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are
you certain?" Al
asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican
Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All
we
have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape
Jews."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1923, Who Was...
1. President of the largest steel
company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of
the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5.
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall
Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of
their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what
ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the
largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of
the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of
the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5.
The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide.
However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the
winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of
95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The
Moral:
Screw work. Play
golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abbott and
Costello in today's world...
You have to be old enough to remember
Abbott and Costello, and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully
appreciate this. For those of
us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on. If
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous
sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like
the
following.
COSTELLO MAKES A TELEPHONE CALL TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM
ABBOTT:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. How may I help
you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking
about buying a computer
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the
name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a
computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my
name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get
stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with
Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I
need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for
Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you
recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did
what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended
something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office
with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in
Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The
Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for
windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue
"W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the
Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real
one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me
what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I
also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of
course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real
One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the
blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different
from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for
Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't
many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out
there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has
nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.
COSTELLO:
STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO:
That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need
money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your
computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No
extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy
money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy
Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy
money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days
later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help
you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on
"START"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's about 10 p.m. on a
Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar finishes
his drink and is about
ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says
to him,
"Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here
until past
midnight. Something wrong tonight?"
The guy
responds,
"No ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin' on
this bar stool
for so long."
"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya,"
says the bartender as he's reaching up
to the top shelf behind the
bar.
He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the
guy two
white pills.
The guy looks at the pills in his hand and
says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"Nooo," says
the bartender..... "stool
softener."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slogans for T-Shirts
God made us sisters; Prozac made
us friends.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I
just can't remember it all.
My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt
trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better
rich.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Next
mood swing: 6 minutes.
You have the right to remain silent, so please
SHUT UP.
My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and
the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).
I run things at
my house! (e.g., the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron,
etc.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blackjack dealer and a player with
a thirteen count in his hand were
arguing about whether or not it was
appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards,
it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer
obviously had nothing to
do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The
dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the
waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you
cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask
for. I'll take an eight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW to TELL YOU LIVE in ARIZONA or
TEXAS
You're willing to park three or more blocks from your
destination if you can find shade.
Shorts and a tank top are acceptable
clothing for any function, public or private.
You have over 100 recipes
for combinations of meat, beans, cheese, and tortillas.
You've actually
seen someone spontaneously combust.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot,
really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy's Laws for
Parents
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on
sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.
3. The chances of
a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional
to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past
your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash
ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that
needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers
mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost,
and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last
place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the
pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used
daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your
chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive
your child to school in your robe and
curlers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late
Nite??¦
Leno:
The founder of Adelphia Cable got 15 years in prison
for looting the
company. Isn??t that amazing? Even the cable company steals
from the
cable company!
Turns out the jury was made up of 12 people
with satellite dishes.
Here??s some great news: an 11-year-old boy scout
who disappeared in the
mountains of Utah late last week has been found
perfectly healthy. It
turns out, when he heard about the acquittal; he was
just hiding from
Michael Jackson.
Letterman:
The thing I like
about New York City is that there??s always something
going on. Like this
week for instance is Gay Pride Week. So if you see a
guy wearing tights, a
cape and a mask ?? it may not be Batman.
It??s Gay Pride Week, or as the
hookers in Time Square call it ?? a week
off.
Did you hear that?
Saddam Hussein loves Doritos. You can??t buy publicity
like that. If you??re a
snack food company, you would want that
endorsement
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.
As a jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day, the copilot
was providing his passengers
with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA
system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor
Crater,
which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.
It
was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150
feet
in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the
earth
50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour,
scattering
white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The
hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet
deep."
The blonde lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow,
look! It just
missed the
highway!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid
of
his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign
on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take
it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one
person
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people
were
too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true,
so
he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $5o". The
next
day someone stole
it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who, what, or where is this?
1. I'm tall for my age.
2. I have stories that can't
be told.
3. I took 7 million man-made hours to
build.
4. Each year I am struck by lightning more than 100
times.
5. I am closest to N, R, B, D, F, and Q.
6. I
contain 7 miles of elevator shaft.
7. I was completed in
1931.
8. I starred in "An Affair To Remember."
9. I
live at 350 Fifth Ave in New York City.
Think you know? Find out...scroll
down for the answer...
The answer is
in the usual place
**** Quickies ****
One day I called my
mother from my apartment to
make some plans with her. In the background
behind
her, I could hear a terrible noise, like a jet plane
taking
off.
"Mother," I asked apprehensively, "what's that
awful
noise?"
"It's the dishwasher," she replied. "Your father fixed
it."
~~~
As I drove into a
parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the
wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed
oblivious, so
I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in
time to jump
out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped
harmlessly into
the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all
right.
"I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have
happened to
me if that dog hadn't honked!"
~~~
Q. Just how blonde
was she?
A. She was sooo blonde that she wanted to sign up to be an
organ donor...
but all she had was a guitar.
~~~
Q. Why was the
broom late for work?
A. It swept in too
late.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
SUBSCRIBE
TO:
RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&****
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
You know, most
bank robbers like to keep their identity a secret.
Apparently Thomas
Mason wasn??t aware of that. Last Saturday, Mason
walked into a bank
and handed the teller a note that began, ???Hi, I??m
Thomas Mason.??? The
teller gave him the money, and bank employees
watched as Mason ambled across
the street into a grocery store. Police
were unable to find him in the
store, but saw a man fitting his
description in an alley behind a liquor
store. When they approached,
Mason told them, ???I think I am the guy
you want.??? Is this guy a
waterhead or did he just want to be caught? ??
Kari Knutson, Winona Daily
News
http://www.winonadailynews.com/articles/2005/06/20/news/00lead.txtHERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is it about Chuck E.
Cheese that elicits brawls? A fun
Saturday night at a Brooklyn Chuck
E. Cheese turned into a bloody brawl
and knife fight, started by two little
girls. Apparently one kicked the
other, which sparked the mothers to
begin arguing, joined by the
fathers, and two MORE folks. Then it got
physical when one dad and his
friends jumped the other. Two Good
Samaritans attempted to help the
victim but got more than they bargained for
when one of the brawlers
pulled out a knife and stabbed one of them, along
with the father that
was being beaten up. Do they, per chance, sell
beer there? ?? Daryl
Khan, South Florida
http://www.southflorida.com/news/sfl-620chuckecheesefight,0,1482188.story?coll=sfla-news-fringeHERE'S YOUR SIGN -
STUPID
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virgin Mary toast is SO
5 minutes ago. Now we??re dealing with
Michael Jackson toast.
Several slices of the star in effigy have popped
up all over eBay since the
notorious ???not guilty??? verdict. Vendors
swear the slices were not
faked, and claim they popped out that way as
the verdicts were being
read. I don??t know a whole lot of folks who
would make toast at that
particular time of day, but whatever. Not
interested in Wacko
Jacko? No problemo??¦ they have Elvis toast, magic
bagels with lotto
numbers, even Deep Throat commemorative toast??¦ Jeez. ??
BBC
News
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4114248.stm~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ****
WEIRD HAPPENINS ****
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
You can join The Funnies
IT'S
FREE
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' and
'
What's New, Pussycat?' Can you help me?"
"Ah yes, you appear to be
suffering from 'Tom Jones Syndrome.'"
"Is it rare?"
"Well,....It's not
unusual..."
~~~
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients
to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his
patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived,
everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the
doctor yelled "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing
up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down
Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor
yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and
cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad
call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and
they all started booing and catcalling.
Comfortable with their response, the
doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in
progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"
He replied, "Well everything was going
just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** HEALTH NEWS
****
Hospital residents sleep
deprived
CHICAGO, -- Many U.S. medical students and
residents in
hospitals suffer from sleep deprivation and
fatigue, an
American Medical Association member survey revealed.
In
2003, the Accreditation Council for Graduated
Medical
Education required resident physicians limit their
work
week to 80 hours. On-site duty cannot exceed 24
consecu-
tive hours. However, the survey found 11 percent
of
residents and 12 percent of students worked more
than
80 hours per week on their most recently completed
rota-
tion. Although, 50 percent of residents and 45
percent
of medical students believe sleep deprivation or
fatigue
may have had a negative effect on patient care, 50
per-
cent of the residents and 75 percent of the of
medical
students said they would be uncomfortable
reporting
working excessive hours.
~~~
Most worried about
retirement
WASHINGTON, -- A majority of U.S.
residents are worried
about funding their retirement, and do not
believe Social
Security will pay required benefits, a new poll
says. The
New York Times/CBS News Poll found two-thirds of
respond-
ents said Social Security, the government's
70-year-old
pension program, mattered "a lot" to them
personally, and
80 percent said providing "a decent standard of
living for
the elderly" was the government's responsibility, The
New
York Times reported Sunday. However, 51 percent
overall
and 70 percent of respondents under 45 said they did
not
believe Social Security would be strong enough
financially
to pay benefits when they retire. When asked if
they
believed their savings would be their primary source
of
money during retirement, 45 percent answered yes --
des-
pite the fact that almost half of those polled
reported
saving less than 5 percent of their income in the
previous
12 months, and 68 percent reported difficulty keeping
up
with bills and saving for
retirement.
~~~
Case of Legionnaire's disease in
Norway
OSLO, Norway, -- A new case of Legionnaire's
Disease has
been reported in Norway, but authorities do not
believe
is connected to an outbreak in country's southeast
region.
The victim is a 48-year-old man from Telemark,
southwest
of Oslo. Officials told the newspaper Aftenposten that
he
has not been abroad, except for a short trip to Sweden
and
has not been in the Ostfold area, site of the
outbreak.
Legionnaire's Disease, so-called because it was
first
identified after an outbreak among delegates to an
American
Legion convention, is a respiratory infection. The
organism
that causes it often grows in air conditioning, hot
tubs
and other wet appliances. Per Urdahl, a doctor at
the
Telemark Hospital, said the newest victim is
responding
well to treatment. He said the hospital usually has
one or
two cases of Legionnaire's a year.
**** ON THIS DAY
****
"THREE
TREES"
Once there were three trees on a hill in the
woods. They were
discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree
said,
"Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with
gold,
silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate
carving and
everyone would see the beauty."
Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a
mighty ship. I will
take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the
corners of
the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength
of
my hull."
Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to
be the tallest and
straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top
of the
hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and
God
and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree
of
all time and people will always remember me."
After a few years of praying that their dreams
would come true, a
group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to
the first
tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should
be
able to sell the wood to a carpenter,"and he began cutting it down.
The
tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make
him into a
treasure chest.
At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks
like a strong
tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second
tree
was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a
mighty
ship.
When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the
tree was frightened
because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams
would not come
true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special
from
my tree, I'll take this one," and he cut it down.
When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he
was made into a
feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled
with
hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree
was
cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a
mighty ship and
carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree
was cut into large pieces
and left alone in the dark. The years
went by, and the trees forgot about
their dreams.
Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn.
She gave birth and
they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was
made from
the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib
for
the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel
the
importance of this event and knew that it had held the
greatest
treasure of all time.
Years later, a group of men got in the fishing
boat made from the
second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep.
While they
were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree
didn't
think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke
the
sleeping man, and He stood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped.
At
this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings
in its
boat.
Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It
was carried
through the streets as the people mocked the man who was
carrying
it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree
and
raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came,
the
tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the
top of the
hill and be as close to God as was possible, because
Jesus had been crucified
on it.
The moral of this story is that when things don't
seem to be going
your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you
place
your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the
trees
got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined.
We
don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that
His
ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.
~~~
From Shirley:
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer
and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said,
"Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no
consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house."
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my
prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow. She said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.
I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like
the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the
darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had
caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the
hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a
fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors
came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered
the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide
enough meat for all of them.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and
think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are
all at risk.
~~~**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in
the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the
web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble
getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of
getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It
takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an
animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's
the web site! Pass it along to people you
know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS
****
Nextel
Cup hits road
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Ecclestone's comments baffle Patrick |
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Formula 1 chief compared women to domestic
appliances. |
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width=1> |
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F1 chief calls for refunds
|
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Michelin should compensate fans with
Free tickets,
Mosley says. |
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width=1> |
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Hornish needs more speed
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IRL driver seeking power boost from Penske's Toyota
engines. |
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Third in Nextel Cup standings, Virginian
riding with big dogs.
IRL driver seeking power boost from Penske's
Toyota engines.
Formula One regulators flag tire giant for
unsportsmanlike act.
Stock car officials say they would be
flexible in finding solution.
'Simple physics,' IRL rules figure into
so-called size advantage.
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY -
Save 35%
**** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER
****
June Petrie "Elviry" Weaver of "The Weaver Brothers
& Elviry" born Chicago, IL 1891.
Zeb Turner, born William Grishaw of "Zeb & Zeke
Turner" in Lynchburg, VA 1915.
June Carter Cash, born "Valerie June Carter," Maces
Springs, VA 1929.
Diana Trask born Melbourne, Australia
1940.
Pake McEntire born, Dale Stanley McEntire, Chockie,
OK 1953.
Billy Walker released "I've Got Leavin On My Mind"
1956.
At the invitation of Pete Drake, Ringo Starr of the
Beatles arrived in Nashville to cut a solo country album in 1970. The
session included Drake, Jerry Reed, Charlie Daniels, and The Jordanaires.
"Beaucoups of Blues," was released before the end of the
year.
Elton Britt, age 58, died
1972.
Charlie Daniels released "The Devil Went Down To
Georgia" 1979.
Arkie The Arkansas Woodchopper, "Luther Ossenbrink,"
age 65, died Marshall, MO 1981.
Joe Nichols released his "Man With A Memory" album
2002.
Marty Stuart was arrested for DUI in Hendersonville,
Tennessee for the second time in two years 2004. Police reported the
arrest was a result of Stuart hitting two cars on Main $1,500. One of Marty's
latest hits was a song he co-wrote entitled "The Whiskey Ain't Workin'
(Anymore)." Street. Marty was released after
posting
Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html
****
COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
June 20, 2005: Martina
McBride is getting the Barbie treatment.
The Martina McBride doll, available
in July, was created in her likeness and features a re-creation of the gown she
wore to the 39th Annual Academy of Country Music Awards, where she was named Top
Female Vocalist for the third consecutive year.
The doll is accessorized with
silvery chandelier earrings and strappy shoes. The Martina McBride doll also
comes with a collectible poster and a bracelet.
The Martina McBride doll
retails for $19.99 and is available at Toys R' Us and other
retailers.
"Having been a fan of Barbie(r) doll since I was a little girl,
it's incredible to actually have a Barbie(r) created in my likeness," said
McBride. "I hope both my fans and fans of Barbie(r) dolls everywhere will be as
excited as I am!"
Set the VCR for Chesney, Rascal Flatts, Erika
Jo
Kenny Chesney will perform on The Tonight Show With
Jay
Leno on Thursday (June 23) while touring on the West
Coast.
.. Rascal Flatts will sing "Bless the Broken Road" on
Good
Morning America on Friday (June 24) aboard a cruise
ship
docked in Miami. ... Erika Jo, the 2005 Nashville
Star
winner, will appear on Fox & Friends on Tuesday
morning
(June 21) on the Fox News Channel. She will also be
featur-
ed on the channel's Fox Magazine on Sunday (June
26).
~~~
Carlene Carter to Star in Musical
Carlene Carter will star in a musical based on the life of
her mother, June Carter Cash, to be staged July 13-31, in
Nashville. Titled Wildwood Flowers, the production also
stars Lorie Davis Bennett, daughter of Anita Carter and
steel guitarist Don Davis. Starting in 1939, June, Anita
and
Helen Carter worked together as the Carter Sisters
and often
performed with their mother, Maybelle Carter.
The production is
expected to eventually move to New
York.
****
TODAY'S SPECIAL ****
"SAUCY BBQ PORK CHOP SKILLET"
4 center cut, bone in pork chops (about 1 lb)
1 tsp vegetable oil
1 onion, sliced
1 green pepper, sliced
1/2 c
Kraft Honey BBQ Sauce or Bull's Eye Sweet Homestyle Blend BBQ
Sauce
Brown chops in oil in large nonstick skillet on
medium heat 5 min. on each side. Remove from skillet; keep warm. Add onion &
pepper to skillet; cook & stir 5 min. Add BBQ sauce. Bring to a simmer.
Return chops to skillet; spoon sauce over top. Simmer 3-5 min or until heated
through, turning chops once. Makes 4 servings, 1 chop & 1/4 c sauce mixture
each.
~~~
TANGY CHICKEN
SALAD
1 small head iceberg lettuce, torn
into bits
1 small head Romaine lettuce, torn into
bits
3 whole cooked boneless chicken breast, cut into 1/2"
cubes
1 small can manadrin oranges
1 apple,
cored, peeped, and cubed
1/2 cup celery, chopped
1/2 cup toasted almonds
1/2 cup Catalina French
dressing
DIRECTIONS:
In a large salad bowl,
first add the iceberg lettuce and
then the Romaine. Add the
chicken to the salad bowl. Next,
add the oranges, apple, celery.
Lightly toss the ingredients
and then place in refrigerator to
chill. About 15 minutes
before serving, take out of refrigerator
and add the almonds.
Then pour the dressing and again toss. Add
the salad to
small salad bowls and serve.
Yield: 4 Servings
~~~
"Why Recipes for One"
Anyone who has tried to reduce a recipe to a small
amount knows that it is not an easy task, but to double or triple a recipe is a
fairly simple feat. I've done the tough reducing part for you already in
Microwave Cooking for One; the easy job of increasing these recipes to two or
three or four servings is up to you.
We are becoming a
society of single- and two-family households. Baby-boomers are retiring, and
their children have grown up and moved out of the house. Microwave Cooking for
One is a healthy solution for: Busy Households Full of Individual
Tastes
College Students
Cost-Conscious
Households
Individuals Living Alone
Individuals on a Special
Diet or Any Diet
Newly Weds
Retired Couples
Widows
and Widowers
Yourself!
~~~
When deep frying, use buttermilk and then dip into
self-rising flour. Do it twice. The buttermilk is thick and the
self-rising flour seals the gaps when dunked into hot oil. Wow.
That's how I did the 'poppers'. Unbelievable. They were
delicious. I think this can be applied to many
recipes!
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
In poker, what beats
what?
Here's the basic list
in descending order of value:
* Royal flush - The ace, king, queen, jack,
and 10 of one suit.
* Straight flush - Five sequential cards belonging to
the same suit.
* Four of a kind - Four cards of the same rank (e.g., four
queens).
* Full house - Three of a kind, and a pair.
* Flush -
Five cards of the same suit (non-sequential).
* Straight - Five cards in
sequence, regardless of suit.
* Three of a kind.
* Two
pair.
* Pair.
* Nothing - If two people have nothing, the person
with the highest ranking card wins.
As you might imagine, there's much
more to poker than just the hands.
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
The weather
is still warming up! Thursday stays dry and highs top near
90! Friday still
looks like the hottest day so far this year with highs
in the low to mid
90`s. The weeknd stays very warm and humid. A weak
front will be near the
area over the weekend and this may spark a storm
or two but the chances are
low. Next week looks to stay hot and dry.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather
Factoid:
The moon is full Wednesday night and is called the "Starwberry
moon"
Wednesday Night
Fair and Mild
Low 62
Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 90
Thursday Night
Fair and Warm
Low 68
Friday
Partly Sunny, Hot and More Humid
High 93
Low 68
Saturday
Partly Sunny, Slight Chance of Storms
High 90
Low 70
Sunday
Partly Sunny, Slight Chance of Storms
High 87
Low 68
Monday
Partly Sunny
High 88
Low 68
Tuesday
Partly
Sunny
High 90
Low 70
Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 90
Low
70
****A PARTING
THOUGHT ****
Of course
I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
TOON
TIME
Problem
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313107.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313107.htm
"> Here!</a>
Save Me
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313106.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313106.htm
"> Here!</a>
Bark Like A Dog
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313105.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313105.htm
"> Here!</a>
Agoraphobics Convention
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/064.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/064.htm">
Here </a>
Cat Scan...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/010.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/010.htm">
Here </a>
Bug On The Wall
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny702.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny702.html">Here!</a>
Babysitting
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313104.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313104.htm
"> Here!</a>
Blind
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313103.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313103.htm
"> Here!</a>
Diet Cola
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313102.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/313102.htm
"> Here!</a>
Dyslexics Convention
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/065.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/065.htm">
Here </a>
almost forgot
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/opp13grate.html
<a href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/opp13grate.html
">aol link</a>
the great escape
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/opp15grate.html
<a href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/opp15grate.html
">aol link</a>
Coke Head...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/011.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/011.htm">
Here </a>
LAST CALL Y'ALL
My job as
a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18
holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came
upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good
condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the
brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in
one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading
out of the woods. "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose
his ball!"
That's all folks
A. I'm the Empire State
Building.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
equal opportunity target here.
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or
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Our
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
~
GOD BLESS AMERICA
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Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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THE
COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
God Bless
America , Our Land , Forever May She
Stand
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