If ya don't like the music, Just turn it off 
V

From Carlisle ,Indiana
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The Almost Daily Funnies

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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

A MODEST MAN

 In the 1930s, we lived on the outskirts of a small
 Texas town. Our small house was near four houses of
 relatives, my grandparents, two sets of great grandparents,
 and some cousins. One of my great-grandfathers lived three
 houses north of us and lived until I was nearly seven. I
 remember him well.

 Grandpa was a cantor in a Primitive Baptist Church,
 which did not have a piano in the church. Grandpa was so
 modest that he would go to the outhouse before daylight so
 no one would see him. He would not go to the outhouse
 again until after dark, because the women in the
 neighborhood (all related to him) might see him and know
 what he was doing.

 At bedtime, Grandpa always went to the bedroom before
Granny. He would take off his clothes and long johns and
 put on a long nightshirt. After he was in bed, Granny would
come into the room, blow out the lamp, get undressed, and
 put on her gown. Grandpa would get up before daylight, get
dressed in the dark, and go to the outhouse. Granny would
then get up, light a lamp, and get dressed.

 Granny probably never saw her husband naked until one
fateful day in their later years. Eighty-year old Grandpa
 got out of bed one morning and became mixed up as he tried
 to put on his long johns in the dark. He put his legs into
 the arms and tried to stretch the long johns upward to get
 his arms into the legs. When his head popped through the
 seat flap, he lost his balance and fell to the floor all
 tangled up.

 Granny heard him fall and begin thrashing around on
 the floor. She jumped out of bed and lit the lamp. When
 she saw him on the floor, naked and tangled up in his long
 johns with his head sticking out the seat flap, she broke
 out laughing. She finally helped him get the long johns off
and left the room so he could get dressed. After Grandpa
 was dressed, he went to the outhouse and Granny got dressed.

 At first light, Granny ran next door to tell her son
 and daughter-in-law (my grandparents) about the funny sight
 she had seen.

 Normally, Grandpa sat in his rocking chair on the
 front porch enjoying the fresh air most of the day. He was
 so embarrassed that he did not set foot out of the house
 for several days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"

"I didn't notice Mrs. Smith, I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies,
"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to
stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later
the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They
are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the
desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son
returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my
back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They
are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so
we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the
sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom" "Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All doctors are crooks. Why do you think when a doctor writes out a prescription, only he and the druggist can read it? Because they all say the same thing, "I got my money, now you get yours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The
farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us.
Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would
like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,
but
I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is
he?"

"Under the wagon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR IS ADDICTED TO WESTERNS. . .


~ His sermon on Revelation is titled "Showdown at High Noon."

~ At the end of the service, he replaces altar call with "roundup."

~ Refers to the Deacons Meetings as "a campfire chat."

~ Keeps referring to "brothers" as Hoss and Little Joe.

~ Walks into the pulpit with a hearty, "Hi-Yo Silver"

~ Always refers to his Bible as "My Six-Shooter."

~ Forces ushers to tie bandanas around their faces and pass around
ten-gallon cowboy hats instead of offering plates.

~ When performing a wedding, he begins the ceremony with, "Howdy Pardners."

~ Constantly threatens to preach well past "High Noon."

~ He insists on being addressed as "Reverend Duke."

~ Refers to the next churchwide fellowship dinner as "gathering around the
chuckwagon."

~ His new three-week sermon series: "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

~ Asks for the song "Rawhide" to be sung as a call to worship.

~ He keeps mumbling two words: "Holy Chaps!"
~~~~~~~~~~~RITA~~~~~~~~~~
Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics
Your mastery of the parallel bars doesn't include the ability to escape from behind them.

The IOC still hasn't forgiven you for what you did in the pool at the last Olympics.

Launching Chee-tos from your nostrils for distance, while impressive, is not considered an Olympic event.

Although you've mastered the forward flip from the garage roof onto a burning table of fluorescent bulbs, you're pretty sure the 10-meter platform officials will insist on water landings.

The kind of fencing you specialize in gets you a one-way ticket to Attica, not Athens.

Other training programs: 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent perspiration.*Your* training program: 10 percent perspiration, 90 percent prescription.

Your seeing-eye dog keeps fetching the javelin and bringing it back to you.

You can't even climb out of the pool without Greenpeace guys showing up to push you back in.

Sure, you excel at the shot put, but only the shot-put-in- front- of-you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very
nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as
it helped relax her on the long fights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull
out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back
to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.
I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied he lady.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building.
It was dated 1852:

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on a account cease!!!

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boy and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain aft closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping
infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt,
delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual
display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped
her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in
his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a  crib like that for only $46.50!"


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's
study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You
have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they
went!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Jeff, an Army captain who was stationed in Saudi Arabia during Operation Desert Storm, often sent his kids candy wrappers and soda cans with Arabic script, or stones from the desert.

On a whim, he mailed his wife a tiny bottle of desert sand he had gathered from the floor of his tent. That way, he explained, even though they were separated by thousands of miles, she could still worship the ground he walked on.

-"Humor In Uniform" ~James S. Baldree
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer's horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what's available. He looks at
several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He
explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him,

"Come around back, I think I may have something for you"

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems
to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

"Before I can sell you this horse," explains the dealer, "There's something
I have to tell you"

"I knew there had to be a catch" said the farmer, "What is it?"

"Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels." said the dealer. "If he
sees a banana peel anywhere, he'll sit on it and you won't be able to budge
him for half an hour"

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it's pretty
unlikely he'll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the
horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer
is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and
responds well to the reins. He figures he's got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get
closer he realizes that it's a banana peel. The trail is too narrow to go
around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side
of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is
thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it's feet again. Soaking
wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The
farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he's
making out with his new horse.

"Terrible!" says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him
the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says...
"Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too"

**** Quickies ****
I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
~
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. Then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
~
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.
~
I think football is an important part of college life. At some schools, it's the
only chance the team gets to see the campus.
~
Little Billy knelt before his bed and prayed, "Dear God, if You can find some way to put the
vitamins in candy and ice cream instead of in spinach and cod liver oil,
I would sure appreciate it. Amen."
~
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious.
 The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up
~
I'm dating again, but it's got me confused. So I've been reading up on the difference
between men and women. I read The Rules, the Mars and Venus books, Dating for Dummies.
And here's the real difference, women buy the books.
~
If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say:

"Purrfection cannot be improved"

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

**** Cool Links ****
Amazing Fake Ghost Photos!
http://www.ghoststudy.com/fake_ghosts.html

Road Sign Math
http://www.roadsignmath.com

Alaska
http://www.anchorage.net/

Ariel Fireworks
http://members.tripod.com/~hedy1962/fireworks.html

Spell check
http://www.spellcheck.net/

dbpower amp
http://www.dbpoweramp.com/



**** ON THIS DAY ****

Alison w/In Loving memory of Rhonda Estephttp://www.allisonsheart.com/rhonda/rhonda.html


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Stewart scoresatSonoma Bernstein breaks out Top Fuel drought ends at Gateway; Capps tops in Funny Car. Story Tracy rocks in Cleveland Pole-starter in Champ Car points lead with year's second win. Story F1 tire controversy grows Legal action possible if FIA levies 'draconian penalty' for boycott. Story Sauter soaks up victory Claims win at rain-shortened Busch Series race in Milwaukee. Castroneves rules at RIR IRL driver holds on after restart to win SunTrust Indy Challenge. Dale Jr. in RCR's No. 3? Earnhardt says move possible, but 'years' down the road. Donner surpasses all Open-wheel car driver wins Pikes Peak Hill Climb. Champ Car fans get a scare Helicopter crashes near Cleveland airport course; no injuries. Patrick's phone rings again She says F1's Ecclestone "trying to make amends" for gaffe. Setzer keeps on truckin' Pilots Chevrolet to truck victory at Milwaukee Mile. New site for NASCAR The 80,000-seat racetrack to be built west of Seattle. Well done,  Wheldon IRL leader overshadowed by others even after Indy 500 victory. Speaking volumes Hiestand: NASCAR ratings in driver's seat, NBA on bench.

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