If ya don't like the music, Just turn it off? 
V

From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to? ? 
The? Almost Daily Funnies

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

TUESDAY JUNE? 28,2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
THIS WILL MAKE YOU PROUD
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/THISWILLMAKEYOUPROUD.HTML
If it doesn't there's something wrong.
This is the message I left? in the guest book.
? 
I am so touched with this web page. I am posting it in my ezine,The Almost Daily Funnies. I only have 126 subscribers, however they are loyal and share so I'm
sure the word will spread.I salute you and thank you.
If this man were a movie star, he would be John Wayne and the movie would be a blockbuster.The country is desperately searching for it's heroes.
I wish you well and thank you again.
Sincerely Jim

I hope you will visir and sign the guest book.

An angler who shall be nameless was plagued by a prolonged dry
spell, when no fish would come to his lure, fly, or bait. He had a friend named
Bill, a dedicated and successful fisherman,
and so he went to Bill, and asked him for help. The successful one
replied that he had contacted a Neo-Witch, Deodorah of the Aridh
Clan, who had worked out spells on her computer, cast them for him,
and now he caught fish whenever he wished.

Our anonymous angler sent an email to Deodorah, and she asked the
name of his dog, which always accompanied him in the boat. She wrote
and cast a spell for trolling; if he trolled in the direction the
dog looked, he would catch fish.

For two days he trolled, without even a twitch on the line.
Angrily, he wrote to the witch, "Your spell is useless!!'

Deodorah programmed and cast a new spell to empower his boat,
so that fish would be irresistibly attracted to any form of bait
used from the boat.

Three days later, "Not a nibble!!!"

So Deodorah wrote an all-powerful spell, in WitchBasic, with exotic
ingredients from quantum science, limnology, and astrology, and
cast it on all the waters which the angler had fished, did fish,
and might fish!

And, "NO FISH!!!"

And Deodorah consulted her black cat, for she was wise in the
traditional ways, as well as modern. And the cat gave strong
indications that she should consult a Programming Wizard.

And Deodorah called up a consultation with the Wizard on World
Wide Web for Witches. And the Wizard accessed Deo's computer,
and read the spells she had written, and studied her style, and
cast the runes and boiled an antique newt, for he was also an
old-fashioned Wizard.

And then he sent her an urgent email,

"Have you switched on your Spell-checker?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers

DOCTORS - Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER - Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN - See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker Etc... - Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER - The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon,
and then you'll have to look for another man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

• If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
• Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
• Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
• Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
• Ya think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
• Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spit can.
• Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
• Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
• Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
• Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
• Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
  • Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
  • Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
  • Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
  • Ya play Frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
  • Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling
    'Give it back! Give it Back'.
  • When birds fly across yer screen ya reach for yer shotgun.
  • Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
  • Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
  • Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
  • Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.? 
  • Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
  • Ya give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
  • Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
  • Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the
    letters aint in order.
  • Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.? 
  • Ya see the word "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
  • Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
  • Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
  • Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    While a teenager, and before the age of mountain bikes, I would
    often ride my 10 speed bicycle on the horse trails of Umstead State
    Park in Wake County, North Carolina. Since deer were often seen
    in the park, I would take my 35mm camera in hopes of capturing a
    picture of one of the deer. I wasn't having any luck when a friend
    told me that I should go to the park early in the morning and hide
    near the lake where I had seen tracks.
    
    So, early one Saturday morning before the park opened, I headed
    into the park on a back road known to few. I arrived at the lake
    just after sunrise and found the perfect observation spot to shoot
    pictures of deer. I had been waiting about 30 minutes when a park
    ranger came up on me.
    
    "Good morning," he said.
    
    "Good morning," I said.
    
    "The park doesn't open for a while. What are you doing here
    so early?"
    
    "Oh, I thought I'd get here real early and shoot some deer."
    
    With a raised eyebrow the ranger said "What did you say?"
    
    "I came early to shoot deer. I've been trying for some time without
    any luck and a friend of mine said I should get here early."
    
    "You can't shoot deer in the park!"
    
    "Why not?" I said and started to reach into my camera bag.
    
    "The ranger put his hand on his holster and said "Put the bag
    down son."
    
    I put the bag down and the ranger told me to "Step away from
    the bag."
    
    I stepped away from my bag and the ranger cautiously took a
    look inside.?  "There's a camera in here!"
    
    "What else would there be?" I said.
    
    "Well you did say you were here to shoot deer!"
    
    "Yes and I don't understand why you say I can't!"
    
    "Well, with this you can!"
    
    The ranger left and I sat patiently waiting for the deer that
    never came. I kept thinking about the stupid ranger and wondered
    why he had acted so strangely. It wasn't until I was on my way
    home that I realized that I had failed to use any word pertaining
    to photography in the presence of the ranger.
    
    Although I didn't get my picture, I did get a lesson in
    communication.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~ROBERT~~~~~~~~~~~~
    

    A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the Atlantic the travel agent decided to humor him a bit. You can go first class for $2,000, second class for $1,500, third class for $750. And you can swim alongside the boat for $30.98 plus tax. Now which will it be?" "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~? ?  ? Little Susie" ?  Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, ?  "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" ?  "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. ?  "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." ?  "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    
    There's the story about the man working the night desk at the FBI
    office. They got a lot of wrong numbers, because it was similar
    to the pizza joint. One night he answered "FBI." When the caller
    hesitated, he said "You meant to call Dominoes ..." The caller
    exclaimed "Wow, you guys really DO know everything!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The founder of Adelphia Cable got 15 years in prison for looting
    the company. Isn?t that amazing? Even the cable company steals
    from the cable company! Turns out the jury was made up of 12 people
    with satellite dishes.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Wimbledon tennis begins. Along with Spaulding racquets and Wilson
    tennis balls, there will be that most recognizable of bags. Queen
    Elizabeth.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A new Harry Potter book is coming out. The young teen wizard
    accomplishes feats of magic no other kid his age could ever perform.
    In most chapters, he's up by noon.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    As many as 40 million American credit cardholders may have had
    their personal information compromised by a computer virus. The
    credit card industry said they have no idea who could have been
    malicious enough to take advantage of so many financially vulnerable
    Americans, but they like their style.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The King Tut exhibit continued Tuesday to draw big crowds to the
    Los Angeles County Museum of Art. The African monarch is encrusted
    in jewels and gold and covered with inscriptions. He looks like
    an NBA player at a post-game press conference.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    In keeping with the Las Vegas trend of building themed casinos,
    Slick Flags recently opened a new place on the Strip.?  Over two
    thousand hotel rooms, acres of gaming areas, and thrill rides to
    keep the families coming.
    
    George and Melissa were sitting at the roulette table one evening.
    After a brief consultation they placed a ten-dollar chip on 38.
    Several seconds and three hundred fifty dollars richer, they moved
    the pile to number 14.?  When that one also hit, they cashed the
    pile and started playing hundred-dollar chips.
    
    Within seconds a waitress appeared at George's elbow, lifted his
    gin-and-tonic from the cocktail napkin, and placed a marble-and-cork
    mat underneath it.?  Melissa looked more closely and gasped when she
    realized it was rimmed with what appeared to be genuine diamonds.
    
    As the waitress started to move away, Melissa grabbed her shoulder
    and asked, "Are those REAL?"
    
    The waitress replied, "Of course. This IS an amusement park. And
    that's our Super High Roller Coaster."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Keith watched, spellbound, as the speck of light grew larger,
    larger still, and then began to take on the form of a spacecraft.
    
    He had returned to the back yard one last time before retiring
    for the night, allowing his terrier the necessary run.?  As the
    ball of light descended to the ground, Champ ran forward; as the
    portal opened and the being emerged, Champ's barking became yet
    more vociferous.?  And then, in a flash, the alien reached down,
    and in one swift movement, plopped the little animal into his mouth.
    
    When Keith came to, he was surrounded by lights and cameras.
    The first words he heard were, "This is Karen McMahon, reporting
    live for Station KJHZ from West Springfield.?  It appears the
    local resident who may have seen the spaceship from up close has
    regained consciousness.?  Sir, how do you feel?"
    
    "Alienated."
    
    "Ha, ha, ha.?  Glad to see you've maintained a sense of humor.
    I mean, are you physically okay?"
    
    "Alienated."
    
    The director moved the live feed to Camera Two as, for the next five
    minutes, all questions from the reporter were met by a blank gaze
    from Keith, who sat there, shaking his head, and could say only,
    "Alien ate it."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
    
    1. CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend
    herself.
    
    2. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
    
    3. DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
    
    4. FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
    
    5. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
    
    6. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
    
    7. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new panty-hose.
    
    8. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
    
    9. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
    
    10. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
    
    11. SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
    
    12. TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
    
    13. WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a
    road trip.
    
    14. WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement
    was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were
    pumped up for the trek.
    
    An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered
    if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're
    doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!"
    
    Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
    "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    
    **** Quickies? ****
    
    Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
    ~~~~~~~~~
    What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? - - - - - Documentaries.
    ~~~~~~
    Where was the toothbrush invented? The great state of Arkansas! If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
    ~~~~~
    An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies, "Bout whut?"
    ~~~~~
    Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
    ~~~~
    The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near
    took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too.
    Both books - Poof ! Up in flames ..... and they hadn't even finished
    coloring one of them.
    ~~~~
    At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver
    what gear he was in at the moment of impact.
    He replied, "Tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit".
    ~~~~~~
    Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18. They were
    told "17 and under are not admitted".
    ~~~~~~
    An Arkansas man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
    ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?  "No ya dummy" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?  ~~~~~~~~~? 
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?  ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? 
    Shirley's ressypees e-zine? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? 
    We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
    recipe,
    send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. ? D.V.M. ****

? 

? 

? 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

~~~~BLONDIE~~~~

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Researchers Go Out On A Limb For Bionic Man

CHICAGO - Jesse Sullivan has had the distinction of being the
world's first bionic man ever since he lost both arms during an
accident as a utility lineman. Now, he also has the honor of being
the first to try out the most sophisti- cated artificial arms ever
made. These arms can be moved as if they were real limbs, just by
thinking about making them move. Therefore, if Sullivan tells his
arm to do something, it will complete the task. Surgeons attached
his arm nerves to healthy muscles in his chest. "So now when Jess
thinks, close hand, the impulse is picked up by a transmitter, and
goes to his hand," doctor Todd Kuiken said. "He thinks, closes hand
and it does." This breakthrough could change the lives of amputees,
said doctors at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rivals vie for MS drug? ? 

WASHINGTON, -- Swiss drug maker Novartis AG's FTY720 pill? ? 
to treat multiple sclerosis offers much promise but but? ? 
trials will not begin until the fourth quarter. The trial? ? 
date announcement comes after the U.S. Food and Drug? ? 
Administration asked for a safety analysis of its use in? ? 
transplant patients, the Wall Street Journal reported? ? 
Wednesday. Studies so far have shown a reduction of more? ? 
than 50 percent in relapses and a reduction of as much as? ? 
80 percent relative to a placebo in terms of brain lesions? ? 
seen in scans, the report said. Novartis estimates the? ? 
market for injectable medicine to treat MS will grow to? ? 
more than $6 billion by 2009. Switzerland-based Serono SA? ? 
also is working on a pill to treat MS. Meanwhile, Britain's? ? 
GlaxoSmithKline PLC plans to file for regulatory approval? ? 
of a competing drug in 2008.? ? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sleep studied as treatment for depression? ? 

DENVER, -- Sleep is being studied by University of Rochester? ? 
researchers as a potential treatment for major depression.? ? 
A study presented Tuesday 19th Annual Meeting of the? ? 
Associated Professional Sleep Societies in Denver found that? ? 
depressed patients with insomnia were nearly 11 times more? ? 
likely to still be depressed at six months than those sleep-? ? 
ing well, and 17 times more likely to remain ill after a? ? 
year. The study is the first to establish that insomnia pro-? ? 
longs bouts of sadness, hopelessness and loss of interest in? ? 
life activities that characterize major depression, making? ? 
patients less likely to recover. In recent years, research-? ? 
ers determined insomnia and depression are linked, but were? ? 
unclear as to which came first. Many experts believed that? ? 
depression caused insomnia until new drugs arrived that? ? 
improved depression, but not insomnia. Data was drawn from? ? 
Project IMPACT, a study in late-life depression that enroll-? ? 
ed 1,801 men and women aged 65 years or older.? ? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AMA says country faces doctor shortage? ? 

CHICAGO, -- The American Medical Association says the? ? 
United States faces a doctor shortage as the number of? ? 
patients rises and the medical student population? ? 
doesn't. The association, meeting at its annual conven-? ? 
tion in Chicago, says the shortage is forcing overbooked? ? 
hospitals to turn away patients, the Chicago Sun-Times? ? 
reported Wednesday. The shortage is compounded by the? ? 
unwillingness of many younger doctors to work long hours.? ? 
The number of medical students has remained roughly con-? ? 
stant for 20 years, while many current doctors are near-? ? 
ing retirement age. At the same time, the aging baby? ? 
boomers are requiring more care, the AMA said. Special-? ? 
ties that are experiencing shortages include critical? ? 
care, dermatology, radiology, endocrinology, allergy and? ? 
immunology, psychiatry, cardiology and geriatrics. The? ? 
Council on Graduate Medical Education, which predicts a? ? 
shortage of about 90,000 doctors by 2020, has proposed a? ? 
15 percent increase in medical school enrollment. A? ? 
recent survey found 31 percent of medical schools plan to? ? 
boost enrollment.? ? 


**** Cool Links ****
Fun Facts About Gum
http://www.nacgm.org/consumer/funfacts.html


**** ON THIS DAY ****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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