If ya don't like the music, Just turn it off 
V

From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to  
The Almost Daily Funnies

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for
you dear."

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give
me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first
in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny
for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the
old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas  break and the
old man sits him down for a talk.

"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell
me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says,

"My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new
formula... Pi  r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead,

"Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell
me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are
squared!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~Rita~~~~~~~~~~

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short
lesson on science.  He had explained about magnets and showed
how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  And now
it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I
pick up things.... What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party
and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and
eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a
beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether
she preferred Port or Sherry.

"Oh, Sherry," she said, "by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the
Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When that gorgeous liquid is poured into
my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion... "On the
other hand, Port makes me fart."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest  
movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1?  
Clark Gable in gone with the wind, "Frankly, my dear, I  
don't give a damn." The least-popular movie line of all  
time? "Popcorn and your small soda, that'll be $9.75."  
 --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk, she began
to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few
pages of her speech offstage, in her bag. She walked off slowly and, as
soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately
threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell
her that her lapel mike was still on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out  
weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.  

"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told  
the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted."  

Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a  
weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O.  
asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re-  
sponded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I  
want to be with her."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Excuse me, but. . .sid you just get what I was telling
you - you know, the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. At this point, I don't think she will much really
care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "Well, just what do you do with dead people on *your*
planet?
~~~~~~~~~Rita~~~~~~~~~
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.

Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his  
grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country  
restaurant for lunch.  

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him-  
self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on  
his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, 3 unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company
was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if
they could get themselves a job. After filing out their applications,
each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were
waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to
the hiring boss. The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was
such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent
reason at his last job. Also a second was said to have had cracked up
after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who
he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring
boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something
easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they
would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss
where he thought they should start. The boss replied, "Why not take them
and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work
out fine down there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was doing telemarketing, one of our associates
had a man on the phone and was pitching the product.
The man rebuffed him and said his wife wouldn't
let him buy it. The associate boldly asked "Who wears
the pants in your family?"

The man replied "My wife said I do?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly she had fared in the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic
lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magic genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a
consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes.
But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he
will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is
now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain
her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a
beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant
it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her ex-husband now
owns ten of what she wished for, and points out the beach to a small
development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her
time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give
up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last
wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her
ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the
woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish...  "I'd like to give
birth to twins."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best
at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground,
they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the mid-air performance
of their chutes. The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started
floating toward the earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and
nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - nothing. In a matter of
seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone. "Oh," shouted
the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's
stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on
his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he
says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just
water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister
looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and
said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.?? Can you talk
to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" asked the woman "Because every
time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver came into a vet's surgery waiting room carrying his
rottweiler dog. He approached the vet and said, "Doc, I think my dog's
crosseyed. Can you check him out?" "Sure," replied the vet and the man
dumped the rather large dog into the vet's arms. The vet stared into the
dog's eyes for a few seconds and said, "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going
to have to put him down." "Put him down?" squawked the man. "Is it
because he's cross eyed that you have to put him down?" "No," replied
the vet, "it's because he's getting really heavy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to
the problem of pleasing men.
Some are married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What is a debtor, Dad?"

"A man who owes money."

"And what is a creditor?"

"The man who thinks he is going to get it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever noticed that retired couples have
reached a level of maturity where they never have any
of those piddling little quarrels that other people
do?

They have one big argument that starts at seven in the
morning and goes right through till bedtime.

Retirement is also when the husband comes up with all
kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework,
and shopping better.  The wife also comes up with a
theory -- that all pills do NOT come in bottles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Julie's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing
could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents'
nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and
would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Julie was horrified to learn that her
father's new young wife had bought the exact same
dress!

Julie asked her to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Julie told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's
your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find
another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Julie asked her mother,
"Are you going to return the other dress? You really
don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike accused his wife of having no sense of humor.

She responded, "You've got to be kidding.  I even have
an official document that says I have a sense of
humor."

Mike said, "What document?"

His wife replies, "Our marriage license."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  ALABAMA  

In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with  
a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.  

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter  
in church.  

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.  

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.  

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at  
any time.  

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.  

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating  
a vehicle.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By
the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been
there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said
the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of
the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the
rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of
his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of
his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have
for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant
reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He
went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast
and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great
memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate
greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the
Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief
Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling
away on a stick. "How?" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Kill a Snake
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its
volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case
you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in
the world. It s a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to
thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred
pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said. 1. If you are
attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your
legs tight against one another 3. Tuck your chin in. 4. The snake will
come and begin to nudge and climb over your body. 5. Do not panic (Think
about that, do not panic!) 6. After the snake has examined you, it will
begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the
snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic. 7. The snake will
now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still.
This will take a long time. 8. When the snake has reached your knees
slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your
knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake s mouth
between the edge of its mouth and your leg. then suddenly rip upwards,
severing the snakes head. (the last two suggestions were the ones that
got me.) 9. Be sure you have your knife. 10. Be sure your knife is
sharp.


  
**** Quickies ****
One of these days, my kids are going to understand
"Because I said so" is a perfectly good answer.
~
Q.  Where should you go to buy a metal dog leash?
A.  To a chain store
~
Q.   How is a judge like an English teacher?
A.  They both hand out long sentences.
~
Q.  What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
A.  Anything you want. He can't hear you.
~
A speech is like a bicycle wheel; the longer the spoke,
the greater the tire.
~
Q.  How do you repair an orchestra?

A.  With a band-aid.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Cells used on disease that destroys brain  

MEMPHIS, -- Researchers at a Memphis hospital have discover-  
ed a technique that may some day be used to treat diseases  
that destroy children's brain cells. These diseases are  
known as lysosomal storage diseases (LSDs), which occur when  
lysosomes, the recycling centers in cells, do not have the  
enzymes they need to do their jobs. The team at St. Jude  
Children's Research Hospital treated a laboratory model for  
one of these diseases, gangliosidosis, using bone marrow  
cells genetically modified to include the gene for the miss-  
ing enzyme. They found that when the cells were infused into  
the model, they migrated to the degenerating brain cells,  
which began producing the enzyme. Alessandra D'Azzo, a mem-  
ber of the hospital's department of genetics and tumor cell  
biology, said that the modified cells follow chemical  
signals emitted by the degenerating cells. LSDs are  
responsible for the most severe cases of neurodegeneration  
and retardation in children. D'Azzo is the lead author of a  
paper to be published in "Blood."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Human skin stem cells grown into tissue  

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C., -- Wake Forest University researchers  
say they grew stem cells from human skin into fat, muscle  
and bone cells -- a potential source to fix tissue and  
organs. Stem-cells have been hailed as a promising way to  
fight many diseases, including Alzheimer's and diabetes,  
spinal cord injuries and strokes. "The ability to engineer  
tissues from a patient's own cells may overcome two major  
problems in transplantation medicine: immune rejection and  
tissue shortage," said Anthony Atala, senior researcher at  
the Winston-Salem, N.C., university. "Our study shows that  
stem cells can be obtained from a simple skin biopsy and  
can be made to become three vital tissues," said researcher  
Shay Soker. "The bulk of our bodies is made up of fat,  
muscle and bone." The next step for researchers, the  
university said, is testing the function of the fat, muscle  
and bone tissue created from the stem cells.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Chemotherapy improves lung cancer survival  

WALTHAM, Mass., -- Canadian researchers called for a new  
standard to fight early stage lung cancer with chemotherapy,  
which significantly improves survival rates. The New England  
Journal of Medicine Thursday published results of a seven-  
year Canadian-U.S. study of 482 non-small cell lung cancer  
patients that showed 69 percent of those receiving chemo-  
therapy survived five years compared to 54 percent who had  
surgery alone. Chemotherapy-treated lung cancer sufferers  
also had a lower recurrence rate, 49 percent compared to 61  
percent. "With the very significant benefits documented in  
this study, we are recommending that a brief course of  
chemotherapy after surgery should be the new standard of  
care around the world," study leader and Canadian Cancer  
Society researcher Timothy Winton said. Specialist Katherine  
Pisters of Anderson Cancer Center in Houston called the  
results "astonishing" in a Journal editorial. The Canadian  
government and drugmaker GlaxoSmithKline funded the research  
on lung cancer -- the No. 1 cancer killer in North America  
and a leading cancer killer worldwide.


**** Cool Links ****
Sheep Dash......Thanks Norm
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/

**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

IRL set to carry on

Series aims to add automaker to take Toyota's place in 2007.

Story

No changes for Chase

Notebook: NASCAR chief France dismisses fan-vote rumors.

Story

Fresh set of voices on NBC

Hiestand: Weber replaces Bestwick as NASCAR announcer.

Story