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If ya don't like the music, Just turn it
off
V The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY AUGUST 01 ,2005 "The Shape I'm In"
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about. I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Old age is golden - I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? The reason I know my youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been. I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. The moral of this tale unfolds,
Telling you and me, who are growing old. It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin, WORKS EVERY TIMEThan to let people know the shape we are in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" ~~~~~~~~~~EDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tare." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The sporting-goods store where I worked carried a number of accessories for hiking, among them an adjustable walking stick. The sign above it read telescopic walking stick. As I passed a new employee who was helping a customer, she turned to me, pieces of the walking stick in her hands, and asked, "How do I find the telescope?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To save ten dollars, I decided to do my car's oil change myself. I crawled under the vehicle and was faced with a barrage of steel bolts. Well, there could be only one drain bolt--and I picked the most obvious choice. Out poured a dark, oily liquid. I filled the engine with oil and cleaned up. My wife took the car to run a few errands, but when she returned, she complained that it wasn't running well. Fearing I had used the wrong oil, I immediately drove to the nearest mechanic and told him the story. "After all," I concluded, "how many drain bolts can there be?" "Well, sir," he replied, "there can be two, and the one you drained was the one for the transmission fluid." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How to Drive your Wife Crazy" Start asking her questions
about cooking,
cleaning and laundry. Say, "I think its time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case". Volunteer to cook for her. Make
sure it's
real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house, and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. While brushing your teeth,
flick the tooth-
brush first at the sink and then at the mirror. Never ask her to get you
something from
the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a pop; my feet are just killing me today." Be sure to load up all your
pockets with
tissues before you drop them in the washing basket. Leave yourself a trail of
clothing, towels,
dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way. Wait until she's overwhelmed
with work and
lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?" Put on a TV program and them
pretend to
keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Dang , you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish." Wait until she is totally
engrossed in a movie
then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it. Wait until she's finally lost a
few pounds on that
diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little bit isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is
regained. Then ask,
"Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?" Keep calling her at work to
find out what time
she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the mood for whatever she's making. When the opportunity arises, be
sure to cut
the grass in your brand new white tennis shoes. Tell her something for the
first time, and act
shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU." When ogling a woman say, "Sure
she's
gorgeous, but remember she's young. I remem- ber when you looked good too." On the odd occasion you
actually clean up a
disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house. Wait until the night before you
go on vacation
and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones." As your stomach grows, just
wear your pants
lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married. Services are pending.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** ON THIS DAY
**** "Clothes Line News"
A clothes line was a news broadcast to neighbors passing by. There were no secrets you could keep when clothes were hung to dry. It also was a friendly link for neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by to spend a night or two. For then you'd see the fancy sheets and towels on the
line;
You'd see the company tablecloths with intricate design. The line announced a baby's birth to folks who lived
inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung so carefully with pride. The age of children could so readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed, you'd know how much they'd grown. It also told when illness struck, as extra sheets were
hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too, haphazardly were strung. It said, "Gone on vacation now" when lines hung limp
and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged with not an inch to spare. New folks in town were scorned upon if wash was dingy
gray,
As neighbors raised their brows, and looked disgustedly away. But clotheslines now are of the past for dryers make
work less.
Now what goes on inside a home is anybody's guess. I really miss that way of life. It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best by what hung on the line! Author Unknown **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -31- Bonnie Brown, "The Browns," born Sparkman, AR
1937. Steve Gibson, session guitarist/producer, born
Peoria, IL 1952. Chad Brock professional wrestler/singer, born Ocala,
Fl 1963. Jim Reeves, age 39, killed in plane crash near
Nashville, TN 1964. Jim was
flying the plane. Also killed in the crash was his pianist Dean Manuel. Inducted
CMHF 1967. WSM personality Haril Hensley, took over the all
night radio show "Opry Star Spotlight," from Ralph Emery 1972. Emery took over the show in
1957, and under his guidance, it became one of the all-time favorite radio shows
in country music history. Thomas "Thumbs" Carlisle, age 56, died
1987. Alan Jackson's "Chattahoochee" topped the charts
1993. Ramblin Jimmie Dolan, age 77, died
1994. Joe Diffie's single "A Night To Remember" charted
1999. Chad Brock's single "Ordinary Life" debuted on
Billboard's Top 40 Chart 1999. Leona Williams underwent cancer surgery in Branson,
MO 2001. Curb Records released Junior Brown's "Mixed Bag"
2001. Delta Disc released
the Bellamy Brothers album "The 25 Year Collection, Vol. 2"
2001. Ryan Tyler debuted on the Grand Ole Opry
2004. -1- Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES
WERE: 1952 Are You Teasing Me - Carl Smith
1960 Please Help Me, I??™m Falling - Hank Locklin 1968 Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
1976 Teddy Bear - Red Sovine 1984 Angel in Disguise - Earl Thomas
Conley July 29, 2005: Martina McBride will
go back in time on her next disc. "Timeless," out Oct. 18 on RCA, will find
McBride is a covers tribute album to songs between 30 and 50 years old.
July 28, 2005: Brad Paisley is
hitting the road this fall in support of his brand new album coming in
mid-August.
July 28, 2005: Toby Keith scored a
double on the Billboard country singles and album charts for the week ending
Aug. 6 by heading both with his album, "Honkytonk University" and single "As
Good As I Once Was." Keith took over for George Strait on the album chart as
"Somewhere Down in Texas" slipped to third.
Makes: 4 servings
8 wooden skewers (12 inch)
1/3 cup A.1. Original Steak Sauce 1/4 cup DI GIORNO Basil Pesto Sauce 2 Tbsp. lemon juice 1 boneless beef sirloin steak (1 lb.), cut into bite-sized pieces 1 small zucchini, cut crosswise into 8 chunks 1 small yellow squash, cut crosswise into 8 chunks 1 large red pepper, cut into 8 pieces 1 medium red onion, cut into 8 wedges SOAK skewers in water 30 min. or until soaked
through. Meanwhile, mix steak sauce, pesto sauce and lemon juice until well
blended; set aside.
PREHEAT grill to medium heat. Thread steak and vegetables alternately onto skewers. Brush with 1/4 cup of the steak sauce mixture. GRILL kabobs 8 to 10 min. or until steak is cooked through and vegetables are crisp-tender, turning and brushing frequently with the remaining steak sauce mixture. Nutrition (per serving)
Calories 320 Total Fat: 19g, Saturated Fat: 6g, Cholesterol: 70mg, Sodium: 510mg, Carbohydrate: 12g, Dietary Fiber: 2g, Sugars: 7g, Protein: 24g, Vitamin A: 30%DV, Vitamin C: 80%DV, Calcium: 6%DV, Iron: 15%DV ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BANANA SPLIT CAKE 16 servings 1 package Betty Crocker SuperMoist yellow cake mix 1 1/4 cups water 1/3 cup vegetable oil 3 eggs 1 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips 2 to 3 bananas 1 tub Betty Crocker Pour & Frost chocolate frosting 1 can (7 oz) whipped cream topping candy sprinkles 16 maraschino cherries with stems, if desired Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease bottom only of 13x9-inch pan, or spray bottom with cooking spray.In large bowl, beat cake mix, water, oil and eggs on low speed 30 secs. Beat on medium speed 2 mins, scraping bowl occasionally. Stir in chocolate chips. Pour into pan.Bake 33 to 38 mins or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 15 mins.Cut bananas. Cut cake into 16 pieces; top with banana slices. Microwave frosting uncovered on High 20 secs. Stir thoroughly 20 times or until smooth. Spoon frosting over cake squares. Top with whipped topping and candy sprinkles. Garnish each with 1 cherry. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Can I copyright my own
word? Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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