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If ya don't like the music, Just turn it
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The Almost Daily Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
TUESDAY AUGUST 02,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Only when the
plumbing
is stopped up do you realize that a flush is better than a full
house.
Wife: You both arrived at the cab at the same time. Why did you
let him have it? Why didn't you stand up for your rights?
Husband: He needed
it more than I did. He was late to his karate
class.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Office Pranks for the
Summer
(I take no responsibility for the outcome of any
of
these. You're on your own.)
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on
co-worker's computer, and add
an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a
very simple prank that
will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the
AutoCorrect option
to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an
idiot." They will
usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you
take the
sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse
so it locks
the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the
connections in the
back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they
realize what has
happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop,
and then
paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save
the
image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as
the
actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always,
but
everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on
it,
sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will
mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge.
Stick in a floppy
in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up
windows until the disk
is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying
around. Pop it in their CD
ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double
clicking on the volume
control on the bottom right. On normal configurations
the audio CD will
auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting
up their PC
in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is
for that special person you just can't stand in the office,
the one who talks
on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend
and gets personal email
all day. Go into their email and change their
defaults to automatically blind
copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office
coffee maker to decaf. Wait about
three weeks and switch to
espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I
suggest
changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your
own
word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans"
or
something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on
someone's keyboard and reverse the
two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it
with little pressure and they
will easily come right off. Then just sit back
and watch the confusion.
~~~~~~~~~Rita~~~~~~~~~~
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near
dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up,
and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and
they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were
told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving
carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she
whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the
youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you
disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta
glow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pointers!"
Jim was having
reasonable success playing the stock market
when George expressed a desire to
give it a try. Jim advised him on
what stocks to buy, what to stay
clear of, etc. In his list of
"pointers" was the fact that George
should invest only small sums. But
George threw caution to the winds
and six months later sent an email to
Jim,
"So much for your darn
"pointers! Now send me some "retrievers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, the
president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a
newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his
secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The
president looks at him and thinks, "OK!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's
some kind of gag.
The secret service man then begans to take that bull
whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The
president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent
ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around
the presidents desk.
The president gets enough and yells at the secret
service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE
DOING!"
The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says,
"Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the
family and
reads out Jack's last will and testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I
leave the house, 50 acres
of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry,
I leave
my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I
leave my yacht
and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff,
who always insisted that health
is better than wealth,
I leave my sun
lamp."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The social studies
teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.
"How many of you," he
asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands
went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us
the reason for being opposed to
war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his
hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said,
"because wars make history, and I hate
history."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriages are made in heaven. This accounts for the
number
of married people who are forever harping at each other.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEALTH NEWS ****
U.S. FDA
orders Baytril off the market
WASHINGTON, -- The U.S. Food
and Drug Administration will
withdraw the poultry drug Baytril
from the market amid
concerns about antibiotic-resistant
pathogens. A spokesman
for Bayer AG's animal health unit, which
makes the anti-
biotic, said the company was notified of the
decision by
FDA Commissioner Lester Crawford. Bayer said it was
"very
disappointing." The FDA initially said it wanted to
pull
the drug in 2000, but Bayer fought the decision. In
March
2004 an administrative law judge sided with the FDA.
Al-
though a relatively small drug in the United
States,
Baytril is at the center of a push by medical
authorities
to have antibiotics used more sparingly to
extend
effectiveness at fighting germs in humans, the Wall
Street
Journal reported Thursday. Many pathogenic organisms
have
the ability to develop resistance to the drugs to
which
they are long
exposed.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Stress
slows healing but oxygen helps
CHICAGO, -- University of
Illinois-Chicago researchers say
wound healing is slow when an
animal is stressed, but extra
oxygen almost completely reverses
the effect.Phillip
Marucha, professor of periodontics at the UIC
College of
Dentistry, and his colleagues found psychological
stress
brought on by confinement delayed wound closing in mice
by
more than 45 percent. A range of cell and genetic
changes
accounted for the slow recovery. "The cells that help
re-
make tissue didn't differentiate the way they would
have
in normal animals," Marucha said. "They didn't line up
the
way they were supposed to and they didn't develop the
tiny
contractile fibers that help pull together the edges of
the
wound. Expression of the gene that codes the protein
for
those fibers was impaired." However, when the
animals
received hyperbaric oxygen, the delay in healing was
nearly
eliminated. Marucha said stress launches a sequence
of
events that constrict blood vessels and deprive the
tissues
of oxygen. "Oxygen activates the inflammatory cells of
the
immune system that help healing," he said. "Also,
oxygen
derivatives like bleach and peroxide are part of
the
arsenal of noxious products that these cells use to
kill
the bacteria in
wounds."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Acupuncture cuts
headache tension rates
LONDON, -- Researchers say they've
determined acupuncture
is an effective treatment for tension
headache, cutting
rates for sufferers by nearly half. The study
indicates a
minimal acupuncture course works nearly as well as
tradi-
tional Chinese therapy. In a randomized controlled
trial,
researchers in Germany divided 270 patients with a
similar
severity of tension headache into three groups. During
an
eight week period one set of patients were treated
with
traditional acupuncture; a second with minimal
acupuncture
-- needles inserted only superficially into the
skin, at
non-acupuncture points -- and a third received
neither
treatment. The headache rate of those receiving
traditional
acupuncture care was reduced by nearly half. Those
receiv-
ing minimal acupuncture had 6.6 fewer days of
headaches,
while the control group experienced 1.5 fewer days of
head-
aches. Improvements to headache rates continued for
months
after the acupuncture treatment, although they began
to
rise slightly as time passed. Volunteers in the "no
treat-
ment" group were subsequently given acupuncture for
eight
weeks after the main study period. Those patients
also
improved significantly after the treatment, although
not
to the same level as those given acupuncture
initially.
The research appears in BMJ, the British Medical
Journal.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes Please
Help
Organ and Tissue
Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble
getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of
getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It
takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an
animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's
the web site! Pass it along to people you
know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
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Kalitta takes control |
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Top Fuel ace heads points standings after Sonoma
victory. |
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Bourdais hops to it |
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Bumpy San Jose win is Champ Car leader's second in a
row. |
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Legge has the edge |
|
Win in San Jose puts female driver second in
standings. |
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Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
**** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER ****
John Cohen of "The New Lost City Ramblers" born NYC
1932.
Hank Cochran born "Garland Perry Cochran" Isola, MS
1935. Inducted Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame
1974.
Blake Emmons born Toronto, Canada
1944.
Betty Jack Davis of "The Davis Sisters" died in an
auto accident, 1953.
Marty Robbins released "I'm Too Big To Cry/Call Me
Up" 1954.
Jimmy Lowe "Pirates of the Mississippi," born
Atlanta, GA 1955.
Merle Haggard recorded "Someone Told My Story"
1966.
Razzy Bailey's "Lovin' Up A Storm" charted
1980.
Reprise Records released Dwight Yoakam's album
"Buenas Noches From A Lonely Room" in 1988.
Garth Brooks' debut album "Garth Brooks" certified
gold 1990.
The Tractors released their album "The Tractors"
1994.
Joe Allison, age 77, recording industry executive,
died in Nashville 2002.
Kenny Chesney's "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems"
charted on Billboard's Top 40 in 2003.
Redd Stewart, age 80, died in Louisville's Baptist
Hospital, 2003.
Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html
ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES
WERE:
1945
Oklahoma Hills - Jack
Guthrie
1953
Rub-A-Dub-Dub - Hank
Thompson
1961 Heartbreak
U.S.A. -
Kitty Wells
1969 Johnny B. Goode - Buck Owens
1977 It was Almost like a Song - Ronnie Milsap
1985 Love Don??™t Care (Whose Heart It Breaks) -
Earl Thomas Conley
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
Asparagus and Ham Casserole
1 lb Fresh
asparagus, cut into 1" pieces 2 c Cubed fully cooked ham
3 c Cooked
rice
1 c Diced celery
1 1/2 ts Lemon pepper
10 3/4 oz Can condensed
cream of chicken soup, undiluted 1 c Chicken
broth
1 c Shredded cheddar
cheese
1 tb Butter or margarine
1/2 c Bread crumbs
Place asparagus in
a large saucepan with enough water to cover. Cook
until crisp-tender. Drain
well. In a greased 2 1/2 quart casserole, mix
asparagus, ham, rice, celery
and lemon pepper. In a saucepan, mix soup
and broth. Add cheese and cook
until melted. Pour into casserole. Melt
butter in a small saucepan. Add
crumbs and cook and stir until browned.
Sprinkle on top of casserole. Bake at
350?°F for 35 minutes.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
How do car companies name their new
models?
![]() From the Accord to the Zephyr, car
manufacturers have come up with some pretty interesting names for their models.
But finding a compelling name for a new car requires ingenuity, intensive
research, and a little luck.
Some car companies hire a
brand consulting firm to suggest model monikers. The consultants may come up
with as many as 1,000 names, which they winnow down to a few to present to the
client. Other times, the name is developed by employees of the car company.
Sometimes, the code name for a model under development becomes the final name,
as in the case of the Chrysler Crossfire. Over at Honda, a product planner came
up with the name Insight for Honda's first hybrid vehicle.
At Chrysler
Canada Ltd., all members of the team developing a new model take part in naming
it. Other manufacturers use the results of focus groups and consumer research,
which can indicate names car buyers feel more favorable toward. Car makers that
want to emphasize the name of the make rather than the model (such as Lexus and
BMW) may choose simple alphanumerics for names -- some combination of letters
and numbers or just letters.
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
****A
PARTING THOUGHT ****
The
less you talk the more you are listened to.
TOON TIME
Free
Puppies
http://www.buffaloschips.com/50223.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50223.htm
"> Here!</a>
Happy Reaper
http://www.buffaloschips.com/50222.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50222.htm
"> Here!</a>
We There Yet
http://www.buffaloschips.com/50221.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/50221.htm
"> Here!</a>
Airplane Technology
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/029.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/029.htm">
Here </a>
TV Placement
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/030.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/030.htm">
Here </a>
LAST CALL Y'ALL
The
priest, one of our local doctors, and a visiting engineer from a new
company
that's moving to town, were waiting the other morning behind a
particularly
slow group of golfers at the country club tee.
-
The engineer looked at
his watch and was fuming, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting
here for fifteen minutes!"
-
The doc chimed in, "I don't know, but I've
never seen such inept golf!"
-
The priest said, "Here comes the
green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hi, what's wrong with
that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
-
The
green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost
their eyesight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let
them play free anytime."
-
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest
said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."
-
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them."
-
The engineer said, "Why don't they play at
night?"
~~~~~~~~~~Irish Warlock~~~~~~~~
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
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The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
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We do not sell, lease, loan, or
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Our
features are intended to be for entertainment only.
Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
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GOD BLESS AMERICA
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Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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REMEMBER
THE
COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
God Bless
America , Our Land , Forever May She
Stand
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