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V  The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY AUGUST 08,2005 The twelve year-old boy stood patiently
beside the clock
counter while the store clerk waited on
all of the adult customers.
Finally he got around to the youngster,
who made his purchase and
hurried out to the curb, where his
father was impatiently waiting in his car. "What took you so long, son?" he asked. "The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied,"But I got even." "How?" "I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "There'll be a lot of noise starting at eight o'clock." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ According to President Bush's most recent physical, he is the most physically fit president in American history. ... He is in the 99th percentile for men from the age of 55-59. Which works out perfect because Dick Cheney's in the 1 percentile -- so together they make 100%. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iran is considering delaying its nuclear weapons program. Iranian leaders are beginning to wonder why they need nukes when they're already killing plenty of Americans with these gas prices. - Jake Novak ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with
that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the sizeof walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially
grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If
your cubs get out of
line, you swat them too. I could deal with
that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat. Yup......I want to be a bear! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two idiots who work down in a dark
mine while
everyone else worked up in the
light.
One day the first idiot asked the other idiot "Why do we work down here in the dark and everyone else works up
in the light?"
The second idiot replies, "I dunno, why?" "I'll go find out" said the first idiot. So the first idiot went up to the light and the first person he cam to he asked, "Why do we work down in the dark
while you
get to work up here in the light?"
The guy said, "Because we have something called intelligence." "What's intelligence?" asked the idiot. The guy went over to a wall and put his hand flat upon the surface and said "Try and hit my
hand."
"You sure?" asked the idiot. "Just hit it" said the man. "Okay, but it's really gonna hurt" the idiot said, making a fist with his hand and swinging it at the guy's
hand.
Just before the idiot hit the guy's hand, the guy took his hand away and the idiot hit the wall
instead.
As the idiot was shaking off the pain, the guy said, "That's intelligence." So the first idiot went back down to his friend. The second idiot asked, "So, why do we have to work down here in the dark and they get to work up there
in the light?" "Because they have something called intelligence" explained the first idiot. "What's intelligence?" asked the second idiot. The first idiot looked around but it was too dark to see a wall. So he put his hand flat on his face, and said, "Try and hit my hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?" "My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me -
my father's in a fight. " After a while, the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your
father." His second customer ordered a cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order." At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!" Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said,
"Would you like that for here or to
go?" A pastor put together what he thought was a great sermon on heaven. As part of the theme, the pastor would occasionally shout, "Do you want to go to heaven?" After awhile, the worshipers started getting into the theme and nod their head in agreement. To punctuate his sermon he would occasionally shout, "Do you want to go to heaven? The congregation eventually started responding with a resounding, "yes" in unison. As the sermon continued, the preacher noticed one little old
lady near
the front was sitting still and not responding. Several more times he shouted, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Everyone else responded excitedly, "yes." After the sermon the preacher thought maybe he should talk to
the lady
about her lack of enthusiasm. As she came by to shake his hand on her way out the door the preacher said, "I couldn't help but notice you didn't say 'yes' when I asked everyone if they wanted to go to heaven. Is there a problem?" The lady said, "No, as excited as you were getting I was just afraid you were getting a bus load together to go today." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the days of the Old West, bar fights would often spill over into the street and before anyone knew what happened, it was a full-scale riot. In one such town, the Mayor wired the Texas Rangers for help. On the next train, a Ranger gets off and is greeted by the astonished Mayor. "They only sent one Ranger ???" The Ranger straightened his hat, brushed the dust from his coat, and replied, "Y'all only got one riot, right?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Five straight turkey dinners prompted Colorado county jail inmates to go on a brief hunger strike. The inmates refused to eat yesterday, arguing that meals such as turkey chili mac, turkey a la king, turkey stew and turkey sausage were unnecessarily cruel. Sheriff's officials said the hunger strike ended after about half an hour. The inmates were promised spaghetti for the evening meal. They weren't told it contained turkey-based meat sauce. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was walking across the parking lot at the store the other day when a woman walked up to me and asked for directions to the post office. I gladly gave her the best directions possible, and she was grateful. Maybe a little too grateful. As she thanked me, it was almost in the same breath that she began witnessing to me????¦ Asking if I knew the Lord: Lady: Do you know the Lord? Me: Not personally????¦ Lady: (cutting me off) Do you believe He is our one true Savior? Will you dwell in the Lord's house in Heaven in your afterlife? Me: I'd like to think so. Lady: Well, would you come to church with me this Sunday and let me show you the road to eternal salvation and the gates of Heaven? Me: No, I don't think so, thanks. Lady: (taken aback) Well, why not? Me: Lady, you can't even find the post office! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I often go to the park to read my paper on nice days. The urban park that I favor attracts a number of street performers. One of these, a Mime attracted my attention. Every day he went through exactly the same routine. It didn't matter who was watching or how the audience reacted, nothing could make this guy vary his motions or break character. Finally my curiosity got the better of me. I waited until he was leaving that night to approach him and ask why he repeated the same routine over and over. Nothing, he wouldn't break character or talk to me as he walked out of the park and climbed into a car a lady was driving. Finally, several weeks later I arrived at the park early. Just as I arrived I spotted the Mime kissing his girl friend as he climbed out of the car. In desperation I ran over to the ladies car before she could pull out and asked her why her friend repeated the same routine over and over. She listened to my question and sadly shook her head. "I'm sorry, ... but I'm afraid that I've just got a one track Mime." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much of the data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches. He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached to the researchers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified section, though." I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!" She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells, coffee grounds and a few orange peels." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this burglar who broke into the AT&T consumer products warehouse and was filling his bags with various telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer. He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going on and hid among the horn sections. The police wandered through but were unable to find him among the musicians. He fit right in, having those Sacks O' Phones.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** Scaling Australia's highest mountain will soon become a more civilized climb after the con- struction of the country's highest toilet. Dubbed the "Loo with a View," the all-weather toilet block is to be built into the wind-swept side of Mount Kosciusko. The "restroom", a 390 foot climb, will comprise of three unisex stalls and one with wheelchair access. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Italian radio station is offering to pay motorists' traffic fines in an attempt to attract new listeners. Radio Blu says it will pay one listener's fine, no matter how hefty, every month in a lucky draw. Station boss Stefano De Gustine said, ''Usually radio stations give away theatre or concert tickets and flashy T-shirts but nothing that people really want. ''We wanted to run a new type of competition where the prize was something truly dear to the hearts of our listeners. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** A German man faces charges after his attempts to tackle a rat problem ended in disaster when he accidentally shot his neighbor. Juergen Metzler started shooting the rats from his back porch, but had not noticed his elderly neigh- bor, 79, pruning her roses. One of the bullets ricocheted off a stone and hit the woman in the leg. She was taken to hospital where surgeons had to operate to remove the bullet. Metzler now faces grievous bodily harm charges. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inflatable Raft No Match For N.Y. Harbor NEW YORK - Firefighters rescued two teens who tried to sail New York Harbor on a 5-foot inflatable raft. The pair -- Edgar Reyn and Nikita Suponya, both 17 -- set off Monday afternoon aboard the raft, intending to paddle three miles from Staten Island to Hoffman Island. However, currents pulled the raft into the path of freighters, barges and other large ships. Someone on shore called authorities and a fire department boat rescued the New York teens. One rescue worker told the New York Post trying to sail New York Harbor on an inflatable raft was like "riding a tricycle on the Belt Parkway. Two kids on a Schwinn without a helmet." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EDWARDS, Colorado - A 14-year-old boy is in trouble after dressing up as Batman and entering a home through an unlocked door. Eagle County Sheriff's deputies responded to a call Friday night that a person dressed as the fictional crime fighter had gone into a home and passed a girl going up the stairs. She thought it was her brother at first, but when "Batman" didn't answer her, she screamed. The brother and father chased the superhero outside and wrestled him to the ground until police came. "He believes he's on a mission to help people get off drugs," Kim Andree, spokes- woman for the sheriff's office, said. "He really believes he's helping. I think the family is working on getting him some assistance." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ History Lesson Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Both assassins were known by their three names. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"One Kind Deed Leads to Another"
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he
looked hungry so brought him
a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?" You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us
never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger
physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to
give up and quit.
Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The
local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they
called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard
the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his
eyes.
Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her
room..
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized
her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to
save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her
case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to
him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge
and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side
of the bill. She read these words.....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank
You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and
hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the
waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone
you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least
you will have made the world a better place
And, after all, isn't that what life is all
about?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "More Whipped
Cream"
I have a new delightful friend,
I'm almost in awe of her; When we first met I was impressed, By her bizarre behavior. That day I had a date with friends,
We met to have some lunch; Ellie had come along with them, All in all ... a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented,
We ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups; Except for Ellie who circumvented, And said, "Ice-cream, please. Two scoops." I was not sure my ears heard right,
And the others were aghast; "Along with heated apple pie,"
Ellie smiled, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant,
As if people did this all the time; But when our orders were brought out, I did not enjoy mine. I could not take my eyes off
Ellie,
As her pie ala-mode went down; The other ladies showed dismay, They ate their lunches, and they frowned. Well, the next time I went out to
eat,
I called and invited Ellie. My lunch contained white tuna meat, She ordered a parfait. I smiled when her dish I
viewed,
She asked if she amused me; I answered, "Yes, you do, And you also do confuse me." "How come you order rich desserts
When I feel I must be sensible?" She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I am tasting all that's possible." "I try to eat the food I need,
And do the things I should; But life's so short, my friend, indeed, I hate missing out on something good." "This year I realized I was old," She
grinned,
"I've not been this old before; So, before I die, I've got to try, Those things for years I have ignored." "I've not smelled all the flowers yet,
And too many books I have not read; There's more fudge sundaes to woof down, And kites to be flown overhead." "There's many malls I have not shopped,
I've not laughed at all the jokes; I've missed a lot of Broadway Hits, And potato chips and cokes." "I want to wade again in water,
And feel ocean spray upon my face; Sit in a country church once more, And thank God for His grace." "I want peanut butter every day,
Spread on my morning toast; I want un-timed long-distance calls, To the folks I love the most." "I've not cried at all the movies
yet,
Nor walked in the morning rain; I need to feel wind in my hair, I want to fall in love again." "So, if I choose to have
dessert,
Instead of having dinner; If I should die before nightfall, You'd have to say I died a winner." "That I missed out on nothing,
That I had my heart's desire; That I had that final chocolate mousse, Before my life expired." With that, I called the waitress
over,
"I've changed my mind, it seems;"
I said, "I want what she is having, Only add some more whipped-cream!" Author Unknown **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -8- Charlie Stripling of the "Stripling Brothers" born
Pickens County, AL 1896. Herald Goodman of "The Vagabonds" born
1900. Webb Pierce "The Wondering Boy" born West Monroe, LA
1921. Mel Tillis, singer/songwriter/country comedy, born
Pahokee, FL 1932. Joe Tex, born "Joseph Arrington Jr." Baytown, TX
1933. The Sons of the Pioneers recorded for the first time
1934. Tommy Jennings, musician/brother of Waylon, born
Littlefield, TX 1938. Phillip Balsley of the "Statler Brothers," born
Staunton, VA 1939. Henry Strzelecki, session bassist, born Birmingham,
AL 1939. Jay David, drummer, born Union City, NJ
1942. Michael Johnson, singer/songwriter, born Alamosa, CO
1944. Curly Rhodes (bluegrass) and Mary Jackson were
married 1948. Jamie O'Hara born Toledo, OH
1950. Johnny Cash recorded "All Over Again" &
"Frankie's Man Johnny" 1958. The Osborne Brothers joined the Grand Ole Opry
1964. Mark Wills born Cleveland, TN
1973. Hank Williams Jr. seriously injured in a fall on
Montana's Ajax Mountain 1975. K. T. Oslin's album "80's Ladies" debuted at No. 15
in 1987. Faith Hill's album "Take Me As I Am" reached the two
million mark in sales 1996. The Dixie Chicks' "There's Your Trouble" became their
first #1 in 1998. Raven Records released Emmylou Harris' "Singin' With
Emmylou, Vol. 2" 2003. Vince Gill and Julie Roberts presented a concert on
the grounds of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, the morning of the running of
the Brickyard 400 in 2004. The concert was held to raise awareness among
highway drivers about seatbelt use and prevention of drunk
driving.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
**** Amy's Kitchen **** "Salisbury Steak with Onion Gravy" 1 egg
1 can condensed French onion soup 1/2 cup dry bread crumbs 1/4 tsp. salt pinch pepper 1-1/2 lbs. ultra-lean ground beef 1 tbsp. all-purpose flour 1/4 cup water 1/4 cup ketchup 1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce 1/2 tsp. dry mustard In a large bowl, beat egg. Stir in 1/3 cup of
soup, bread crumbs, salt and pepper. Add beef; mix gently. Shape into six oval
patties.
Brown in a skillet over medium heat for about 5 minutes on each side. The meat doesn't have to be done, but should be approaching "rare" (they will cook a little more later on). Once they're done, remove and set aside; discard drippings. In the skillet, combine the flour and water until the mixture is smooth; add the ketchup, worcestershire sauce, mustard and remaining soup, then bring it to a boil. Cook and stir for about 2 minutes, then return the patties to the skillet. Cover and simmer for 15 minutes, or until meat is no longer pink. Serve the gravy over the patties, and enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Breaded Pork Chops" 1/2 cup milk
1 egg, lightly beaten 6 pork chops(1 inch thick) 1 1/2 cups crushed saltines 1/4 cup vegetable oil In a shallow pan, combine milk and egg. Dip each
pork chop in the mixture, then coat with cracker crumbs, patting to make a thick
coating. Heat oil in a large skillet. Cook pork chops, uncovered, for about 8-10
minutes per side or until browned and no pink remains inside. Yield: 6
servings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honey Mustard Pretzel Trio Try this buttery, home-baked version 3 tablespoons Butter, melted 3 tablespoons prepared mustard 2 tablespoons honey 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder 6 cups mini twists, sticks and/or nugget pretzels Heat oven to 250?°F. Spray 15x10x1-inch baking pan with no stick cooking spray. Combine butter, mustard, honey, Worcestershire sauce and garlic powder in medium bowl; mix well. Add pretzels; toss gently until well coated. Place pretzels into prepared pan. Bake for 1 hour, stirring every 15 minutes. Cool completely. Store in tightly covered container. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Barbecued Beef Brisket 1 cup of white wine 3 cups of apple cider 1/4 up of honey 2 tablespoons of dijon mustard 1/4 cup of soy sauce 2 tablespoons of firmly packed brown sugar 1 tablespoon of minced garlic 1 tablespoon of minced fresh ginger root 1 tablespoon of whole coriander 2 sprigs of fresh thyme 1 - 2 1/2 lb. beef brisket Combine the wine, cider, honey, mustard, soy sauce, brown sugar, garlic, ginger root, coriander and thyme in Dutch oven or heavy roasting pan. Add brisket, cover tightly and place in oven. Turn oven to 350F and cook 1 hour. Remove brisket from cooking liquid, cover and set aside. Let rest for 30 minutes and slice across grain. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Is it possible to improve eyesight
naturally? Stop Drop
Roll Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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