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Subject: The Daily Funnies - August10, 2005



 
If ya don't like the music, Just turn it off 
V

 

The Almost Daily Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CIERRA

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 10,
2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:It's true that gray hair makes you look
distinguished.It distinguishes you from the younger-looking people.

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said,

"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed
the Delaware."
~~~~~~~~~Rita~~~~~~~~

It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time
for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them
home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon,
one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly
back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me
know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat
in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him
if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to
the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got
off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!"  I called. "We have
to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the
street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to
play a prank.  He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg
with a brightly colored one.
       Nothing happened on account of the hens there. However, a few
minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then
stormed outside and killed the peacock!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You
know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to
what this article says, that the intelligence of a
father often proves a stumbling block to the son."

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our
James has nothing standing in his way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.  The
sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so
we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his
sleep.
       While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he
noticed that some of my teeth were chipped.  "It looks like you clench
your jaw at night," he said.
       "No way," I blurted without thinking.  "No one has ever said I
grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails --
asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead
."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell
you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like
a civilized human being."
       There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come
down stairs like that."
       "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"West Virginia Redneck Fishin"
 
A West Virginia redneck was stopped by a game warden
in Southern WV recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a
river well known for its fishing.
 
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
 
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
 
"Pet fish?"
 
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
 
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
 
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
 
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
 
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
 
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
 
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
 
"When are you going to call them back?"
 
"Call who back?"
 
"The FISH!"
 
"What fish?"
 
We in West Virginia may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as most.
~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow,
something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto
the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and
his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious,
with the ball between his feet.

"Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an
immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or
drop it two club lengths away."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow who works as a pharmacist at a high traffic pharmacy tells
this one. He said technicians, who don't always know the purpose
of the medicines they dispense, do most of the processing. One
day last week, he says, there was a medicine making its way to the
counter for a waiting customer. The tech didn't know the medicine's
purpose was to help with erection problems. Seeing that the customer
seemed to be growing impatient, the tech sought to placate him
and reassured him, "Yours will be up in just a minute, sir...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.  Why are fish so smart?
A.. Because they live in schools.


Q.  How do ducks celebrate the Fourth of July?
A.. With fire quackers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dukes of Hazzard won the weekend box office battle despite
bad reviews in every newspaper in the country.  Of course, the
critics made the fatal mistake of assuming Dukes of Hazzard fans
could actually read the newspaper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "now that we are married,
do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered.

"But what will you live on?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak
developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout
the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the
attendant,

"Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied,

"Yes, but we put the top up."

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
COLOMBIA - A wad of dough was obviously not too hard for a  
Colombian man to swallow. Alejandro Londono, 25, was arrested  
for money laundering at an airport in the western city of  
Pereira after allegedly swallowing $40,000 and trying to  
smuggle it into the country. Apparently Londono packed the  
cash inside fingers cut from latex surgical gloves, each of  
which contained notes of eight denominations, and swallowed  
them.  
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Get 'Em Before They're Corrupted!

WALL TOWNSHIP, NJ - Kyle Connor is perfectly willing to report  
for jury duty. But he'd have to ask his mom for a ride and  
get his teacher to excuse him from elementary school. Connor  
is 8 years old. What's even more bizarre is that this is the  
second time he has been asked to report for jury duty! The  
first was when he was 5. Court officials said Connor probably  
was flagged *twice* by computers that compile lists of potential  
jurors and track, among other things, recipients of dividend  
and interest payments. He was excused from appearing but Kyle  
says, "I'd just like to try it."
   

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Drug switch helps breast-cancer patients  

WASHINGTON, -- Postmenopausal women with early breast  
cancer do better when they switch from Tamoxifen to  
another drug after two years of treatment, a new study  
found. It is the latest research to suggest the benefits  
of a new class of drugs in fighting breast cancer.  
Tamoxifen has been the leading breast-cancer treatment  
for two decades, but recent studies have shown the  
promise of a new class of drugs called aromatase inhib-  
itors. The study, by scientists in Germany and Austria,  
is in the new issue of the British journal The Lancet.  
The researchers looked at data on one of the new drugs,  
anastrozole, in two randomized trials in which it  
replaced Tamoxifen after two years in postmenopausal  
women with hormone-responsive early breast cancer. The  
study found a 40-percent decrease in the risk for a  
recurrence of cancer in the other breast or spreading to  
another part of the body. Sixty-seven of 1,618 women on  
anastrozole had such events, compared with 110 of 1,606  
women who stayed on Tamoxifen. "Although further inves-  
tigation is necessary to ascertain the ideal sequence  
and duration ... this combined analysis confirms that  
post-menopausal women who receive Tamoxifen should be  
switched to anastrozole after two years of treatment,"  
Professor Raimund Jakesz of Vienna Medical University  
said in a statement. In a comment that accompanies the  
article, Anthony Howell of Christie Hospital in  
Manchester, England, added, "The aromatase inhibitors  
show superiority over Tamoxifen when used immediately  
after surgery or after two to three years of Tamoxifen."  
Last month a British market-analysis firm predicted that  
revenue from aromatase inhibitors will nearly double in  
the next decade. "The advent of aromatase inhibitors  
from AstraZenica, Novartis and Pfizer has reignited  
opportunities for treatment in breast cancer," said Dr.  
Richard Faint, of Datamonitor in London, which conducted  
the analysis. "Tamoxifen has been the gold standard for  
many years now, and it's very successful," Faint told  
United Press International, "but aromatase inhibitors  
are probably going to knock Tamoxifen off its perch with  
postmenopausal women with breast cancer." He said he  
expected Tamoxifen to remain a treatment option.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hypnotic suggestion can override brain  

NEW YORK, -- A U.S. study that used hypnotic suggestion  
found the brain can override responses experts have long  
assumed to be ingrained and automatic, such as reading.  
The study provides compelling evidence that humans can  
"unlearn" an automatic process and points to hypnotic  
suggestion as a powerful new tool for brain research  
generally. The study by Weill Cornell Medical College  
researchers focused on the Stroop Test -- a hallmark of  
attentional research that asks people to name the ink  
color a word is printed in. However, the test has a  
trick, the word "red" might be printed in green ink,  
which sets up a cognitive conflict within the brain,  
which is inclined to answer what it reads -- "Red", even  
though it knows the correct answer is "green." The find-  
ings are published in the Proceedings of the National  
Academy of Sciences. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Acne patients to get online follow up  

BOSTON, -- In a study, dermatologists at two Boston hos-  
pitals will treat acne patients via the Internet using  
digital camera photographs. Acne patients who agree to  
participate in the study will see a dermatologist once  
in an office and will then be randomly assigned to office  
follow-up or online and office follow-up, the Boston  
Globe reported Saturday. For Web visits, patients will  
log onto a secure Web site with a password, complete a  
questionnaire on their condition and e-mail it along with  
three photographs to their doctor. It's estimated the on-  
line follow up will take the patient 20 to 30 minutes.  
The physician will have three business days to evaluate  
the patient's treatment and respond with feedback and  
instructions. The doctors at Massachusetts General and  
Brigham and Women's hospitals will treat only acne  
patients, because the condition is not life-threatening.  
Doctors in Boston and other cities are experimenting  
with online visits for a wide variety of non-emergency  
conditions.  


**** ON THIS DAY ****
Peter Jennings Tribute | Fran Maiers
http://www.wwwebsbysusie.com/FranMaiers/PeterJennings/

R.I.P. Hunter Kelly
http://www.niagarafallsreporter.com/croisdale196.html


"The Forgotten"
 
I carry a toothbrush with me everywhere.  I've never used it, it's just a reminder of a little girl.
 
One of our partners in rural Arkansas delivered a care package, including toothbrushes, to a family of seven living in a mobile home.  When the package arrived one of the little girls reached for the new toothbrushes that would be hers.  Tears made rivulets on her smudged cheeks as she cried.  Our partner said, "Did I do something wrong?  Is it the wrong color?"
 
Silently the little girl disappeared but soon returned, still clutching her toothbrush to her chest, but now holding out a very old toothbrush that had been worn down to the nubs.
 
"We've all been using this one," she said.  I now carry a toothbrush of my own to remind me of how much I take for granted.
 
Rural Compassion is exploring a partnership to bring hope to these destitute families.  We truly believe that "Because God is... What ought to be, can be."

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Kurt Busch leaving Roush

Gordon making his move
Notes: Driver's eight-place finish at Brickyard Sunday big step.
Teams willing to ride it out
More teams waiting out contracts to get a marquee driver.
Tracy intrigued by NASCAR
Champ Car driver tests car, considers taking on challenge.


City is up against four other cities for NASCAR Hall of Fame.
IRL team owner stung by almost 200 bees at ranch in Texas.
T. Labonte, Yeley, Hamlin team to drive No. 11 car rest of way.
Claim forms made available for fans after F1 team boycotts.
Penske team driver reportedly signs contract extension.
Late-race wreck sends driver to precautionary hospital visit.
Early wreck, last-place finish jolt Earnhardt's hopes for Chase.
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** BILL'S COUNTRY CALANDER ****

-10-

 

Delia "Mom" Upchurch "Den Mother of Nashville Stars" born Gainesboro, TN 1891. Mom ran a rooming "home" for Nashville's financially challenged music community at 620 Boscobel Street, for over two decades. The singers, songwriters, and musicians paid what they could afford for their room. No one paid more than ten dollars a week. The lucky ones who got to work the road never missed a call. Mom was the message taker, and coordinated everyone's calendar. Mom died September 1, 1976. Mom and Tootsie Bess, of Tootsie's Orchid Lounge fame, sustained many careers long enough for them to blossom.

 

Louise Massey, singer/songwriter of "Louise Massey & the Westerners" born Midland, TX 1902.

 

Leo Fender designed and manufactured the Telecaster and Stratocaster guitars, born 1909.

 

Ernest Ray "Jim" Carter, "The Chuck Wagon Gang," born Tioga, TX 1910.

 

Junior Samples (Hee Haw cast) born Buena Park, CA 1926.

 

Jimmy Martin born Sneedville, TN 1927. Inducted IBMA Hall of Honor 1995.

 

Jimmy Dean born "Seth Ward," near Plainview TX 1928.

 

Jerry Crutchfield born Paducah, KY 1934.

 

Jerry Kennedy, born Shreveport, LA 1940.

 

Joni Mosby born "Janice Irene Shields" in Van Nuys, CA 1940.

 

Jimmy Griffin, singer/songwriter/actor, born Cincinnati, OH 1943.

 

Gene Johnson "Diamond Rio" born Jamestown, NY 1949.

 

Hank Williams recorded "Half As Much" 1951.

           

The Browns joined the Grand Ole Opry 1963.

 

Roy Acuff and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band recorded "Will The Circle Be Unbroken" 1971.

 

Dick Foran, singing cowboy/actor/son of a U. S. Senator, died in Panorama City, CA 1979.

 

Lydia Salnikova of Bering Strait, vocals/keyboards, born in Russia 1980.

 

Bill Mounce "Sons of the West" died 1984.

 

Vince Gill joined the Grand Ole Opry 1991.

 

David Rogers, age 57, died 1993. His recording career produced 37 chart hits between (1968-1984.)

 

Dixie Chick Martie Seidel married Gareth Maguire in Hawaii in 2001.

 

The CMA announced that Porter Wagoner and Bill Carlisle would be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame 2002.

Friends and fans celebrated Buck Owens' 75th birthday at his Crystal Palace Steakhouse in Bakersfield, California, 2004.

Faith Hill returned to the stage for the first time in four years, for a four day engagement at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, NV 2004.


Provided by Bill Morrison at www.rockabillyhall.com/billmorrison.html

ON THIS DATE, COUNTRY MUSIC??™S TOP TUNES WERE:

 1945      Oklahoma Hills - Jack Guthrie

1953      Rub-A-Dub-Dub - Hank Thompson

1961      I Fall to Pieces - Patsy Cline

1969      All I Have to Offer You (Is Me) - Charley Pride

1977     Rollin??™ with the Flow - Charlie Rich

1985     I??™m for Love - Hank Williams, Jr.
 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Gill, Nelson, Clapton Guest on Mad Dogs & Okies
[Tue. August 09.2005 6:13 PM EDT]
McGraw to Perform in Fashion Music Special
[Tue. August 09.2005 6:13 PM EDT]
Dukes Movie Tops Weekend Box Office Report
[Tue. August 09.2005 6:13 PM EDT]
3-D Pop Artist Fazzino to Design CMA Artwork
[Tue. August 09.2005 6:13 PM EDT]
Neil Young, Jonathan Demme to Film Ryman Concerts
[Mon. August 08.2005 6:26 PM EDT]


 **** TODAY'S MUSIC ARTIST ****

Georgia Native Gets His First Hit With a Song From Big & Rich
Known as "the heart of Georgia" with a population of nearly 100,000 people, Macon wouldn't be what most would consider a hick town. In fact, it...



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  


CHICKEN CACCITORE   
  
:  
6 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves  
1 (28 ounce) jar spaghetti sauce  
2 green bell pepper, seeded and cubed  
8 ounces fresh mushrooms, sliced  
1 onion, finely diced  
2 tablespoons minced garlic   
   
 
Put the chicken in the slow cooker. Top with the spaghetti  
sauce, green bell peppers, mushrooms, onion and garlic. Cook  
on low for 7 to 9 hours. Serve!  
  
Yield: 5 Servings  
Calories 283, Protein 37g, Total Fat 5g, Sodium 742mg,  
Cholesterol 82mg, Carbohydrates 21g, Fiber 4g   

 


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why are the letters in the English "alphabet" in the order that they are?

 The alphabet has often been described as an arbitrary collection of symbols representing an arbitrary collection of sounds. Its order is equally random. The origins of the earliest alphabets, which were probably created around 4,000 years ago, are quite murky.

The earliest form of the alphabet was invented by the Semitic peoples living in Egypt. This original alphabet eventually gave rise to written Hebrew, Arabic, Greek, and the modern Roman languages.

The alphabet developed much out of laziness. Early pictograms required readers and writers to memorize hundreds of specific images representing words and ideas. The alphabet, on the other hand, was a kind of phonetic shorthand in which thirty basic sounds could be strung together to form words.

Egyptian hieroglyphics used both pictograms and phonemes (symbols that represent sounds). The first phonemes were based on pictograms -- for example, the symbol representing house, or "beth" in spoken Semitic, eventually became the letter "B."

So, while we can't give you an exact reason for the order, we can give you one fun (if rather obvious) fact you may not have realized -- the word "alphabet" comes from "alpha" and "beta," the first two words in the Greek alphabet.



**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/

Weather Summary:
The heat and humidty continue to be the weather story this week. Highs
on Wednesday will climb into the mid 90`s and the heat index will hit
100. A cold front will drop into far northern Indiana and Illinois but
still looks like it will remain far enough north of here to keep storms
chances up north. This will also keep the heat going for a few more days
as we get into the weekend. The front should drop farther south into our
area by late in the weekend and early next week and this will bring us
our best chances of showers and storms.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
There have been 19 days so far this summer with 90 degrees or above.
Thta`s still a little below normal but more 90+ days are ahead.

Tuesday Night
Fair and Warm
Low 70

Wednesday
Partly Sunny, Heat Index To 100
High 94


Wednesday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 68

Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 92
Low 68

Friday
Partly Sunny
High 92
Low 70

Saturday
Partly Sunny
High 92
Low 70

Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 88
Low 68

Monday
Showers / T-Storms
High 88
Low 68

Tuesday
Showers / T-Storms
High 87
Low 68




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

TOON TIME

Stay Away Fro Back Door
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290406.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290406.htm ">  Here!</a>

Spam
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290405.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290405.htm ">  Here!</a>

Idaho Pot
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290404.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290404.htm ">  Here!</a>

a firmer one?
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/vap4grate.html
<a href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/vap4grate.html ">click
link</a>

imagine
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/vap5grate.html
<a href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/vap5grate.html ">click

Hungry Shark
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290403.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290403.htm ">  Here!</a>

Yasser Marrowfat
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290402.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290402.htm ">  Here!</a>

Young Superman
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290401.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12290401.htm ">  Here!</a>

Mouse Sentenced To Death...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/033.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/033.htm">AOL here</a>

If The Wheel Hadn't Been Invented...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/034.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/034.htm">AOL here</a>
link</a>m



LAST CALL Y'ALL

Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a
business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three
brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new
apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three
flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put
them where they belonged.

Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights
to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the
corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned
it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit.

Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the
side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and
over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors
into the living room.  We all col- lapsed on the couch to catch our
breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch
into the apart- ment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will
have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will
be our little secret.  He will have to take a saw to it!"

As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three
months later.  It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were
available to help move.  We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there
was nothing.  Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve,
"So, did you get everything moved OK?"

"Sure," he replied.

"Did you run into any problems?"

"No."

"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside
of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of
the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!"

Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said, "Geez, you idiots, the
legs unscrew!"




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