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If ya don't like the music, Just turn it
off
V  The Almost Daily Funnies "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers T G I
F Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear
your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my
circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed
to!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A very large, old building was being
torn down in Chicago
to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two
construction workers
found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they
directed them to the closet
and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the
construction workers couldn't
stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa,
but it was somebody
kind of important." "Well, who was
it?"
The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek
Champion ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While on their vacation in Nevada, a young married couple, picnicking by a stream, were surprised by a stampeding herd of wild donkeys. One of the jacks attacked the husband, knocking him down. The animal was standing over him about to inflict serious injury when the courageous young wife drove off the dangerous beast with repeated blows from an umbrella. Later on, they related the incident to the manager of the hotel where they were staying. He said that it would make a good story for the local gazette. In due time they returned home to California; a week later they received a copy of the Nevada weekly which contained the story of their adventure. Flabbergasted, the young couple read the following headline: "Bride Beats Ass Off Husband With Umbrella!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the electronics company where I used to work, our sales representative was showing prospective customers around the plant. As he led the group into the test department, a circuit board suddenly flew across the room, thrown by a quick-tempered technician frustrated in his attempts to repair it. The board crashed off a wall and landed right at our visitors' feet. Our sales rep calmly continued his pitch: "As you can see, all our products are fully shock- and vibration-tested before leaving the factory." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I've got good kids; I love my kids. I'm trying to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find waving the gun around gets the same job done." - Denis Leary ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Federal Reserve policymakers pushed interest rates up for the 10th straight time. This is all part of the Fed's brilliant plan to bring prices down by increasing the cost of everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE CENSORED. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having "corrupted the murals of a miner." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ President Bush says the new energy bill he just signed into law will take many years to show any positive effects? except for oil company executives, who plan to spend their free government money on new houses and mistresses right away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A study says family therapy helps in treating bullies. From now on Karl Rove and President Bush will have to have a daily group hug with John Bolton. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Condoleezza Rice gave an interview to Time magazine Sunday where she said the insurgency in Iraq is losing steam as a political force. That's the good news. The bad news is, it's just been made an expansion team in the National Hockey League. (Argus Hamilton) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Ohio woman was found to have lived the last seven years of her life with a surgical towel left inside her during a surgery. It had no physical effect, although friends said after the operation she did become pretty self-absorbed. (Jim Barach) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Seven Russian sailors are now safe after they were trapped at the bottom of the Pacific for three days with little oxygen in their mini submarine. The men will now go back home where they are expected to star in the first-ever Russian deodorant commercial. (Jake Novak) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scientists will release colorless, harmless gases in New York subways to test how fast chemicals will move through the city. They already know, but would like to get results for something other than urine. (Jim Barach) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Despite bad weather and delays, NASA was able to get the space shuttle Discovery to the ground safely. They had to reroute the landing due to bad weather. Even though the landing was safe, not surprisingly the crew's luggage was sent to Atlanta." --ConanO'Brien ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" "You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" "Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'Match'." "'Match'? Never heard of it." "Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." "Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." "Well, why not?" "I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Grace- land. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual. Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!" And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right into the water. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulf at the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure our three young children wouldn't be worried about their father's being in danger. It wasn't always easy, but I knew I'd succeeded when someone at church asked our three-year-old where his dad was. He replied, "He's in the Persia, golfing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel". Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [MEMO] To: All Hospital Staff From: Administration/Groundskeeping Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties. Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make. Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non- ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided. As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed-whacker, etc. Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring," but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives. Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER. In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO's forumlary. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Woman Finds $3,000 in Garage-Sale Chair OMAHA, Neb. (May 30) - Linda Stafford has been going to garage sales for 30 years, and taking good-natured ribbing from her family all the while. Now, the tables have turned. Stafford has found more than $3,000 in bills dating from 1928 to 1953 in the bottom of a high-backed chair she bought at a garage sale - for two bucks. "When we found the money, they could probably hear us screaming all over the neighborhood," said Stafford, 57. She made the discovery while trying to make room in her garage for more furniture. When one of her daughters, Mandy Rath, heard something rattle in the chair, they removed the bottom. Placed inside a compartment were two paper packets, one with $10 in coins, the other with $3,060 in bills. Stafford remembers what she paid for the chair, but not where she bought it. "I know that I've had it out in our garage for at least a year, maybe two," she said. But, Stafford was not sure how she would spend the money. "Who knows?" she said. "I might spend it all at garage sales." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Viewers of a Fort Smith, Arkansas cable access auction show thought they were seeing a joke... It appeared as if host Gary Spirito was being robbed on live TV. A man had entered the broadcasting location with a gun, demanding Spirito's car keys. While many viewers thought it was a joke, many believed what was going on and called 911. The robber escaped empty-handed, but thanks to the tons of viewers, police were able to catch the miscreant and his partner less than an hour later. In other news, a late-nite Fort Smith, Arkansas cable access auction show actually has viewers... - IBS/KIRO TV ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A German nurse driven to distraction by the wails of a newborn baby, used sticking adhesive bandages to pacify it. The shocked parents discovered the four-day-old boy in the post-natal ward with a pacifier taped to his mouth. The nurse, who has since been moved from the children's ward, has admitted responsibility and will be disciplined, the hospital said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Michigan acoustics expert has invented a hearing aid for cats. The tiny device, which is implanted in the cat's outer ear, was developed by Hans-Rainer Kurz, who has already had success with a similar aid for dogs. Although Mr. Kurz admits the device will not cure totally deaf cats he says it will help those with severe hearing difficulties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each ship has an Oil Lab that tests all the oil and routes it to the proper storage tanks. The man responsible for that is called the Oil King and ours was a crusty old salt known as BT-1 Pappy Summers. Pappy was the oldest Boiler Tech onboard and just like a dad ruled the oil lab. We were ready to refuel and minutes from pulling alongside when Pappy discovered that the Admiral's black sedan was blocking one of the refueling stations. Pappy told one of his Junior Petty Officers to call the Admiral's office and have someone move the car. About 15 minutes later we are alongside and the car was still blocking the station. Pappy asked the PO what number he had called and the PO gave him the number. Pappy called and the minute the person answered the phone Pappy lit into him. He said he had told them to move the blankety- blank car or they were going to push it over the side and then hung up. The Admirals steward or whatever was down moving the car and Pappy had just chewed the Admiral out. The Chief Engineer came down after refueling and gave the whole oil lab a lecture about proper phone procedure and nothing more was ever said of it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the ultimate bad hair day for a would-be drug smuggler. Investigators say a bad toupee tipped them off to more than $100,000 worth of heroin hidden underneath -- superglued to the man's head. Customs and border protection officers say the man, arriving on a flight from Columbia, glued 40 packets of heroin to his head. "Because he used superglue, they took him to a medical facility to have it removed," said Officer Titus Goodwin. "Even at that, it pulled out the hair wherever they removed a package, so he ended up looking like a spotted cat." Agents said they knew something was up be- cause it was strange to see a 19-year-old wearing a toupee, and he was acting very nervous. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ANN ARBOR, Mich. - A man who left an accident scene was not about to get away with the crime, thanks to a group of cheerleaders who saw the crash. The clever members of the Lincoln High School varsity cheerleading squad turned the man's license plate number into a cheer. "I knew I was not going to remember it because there was too much going on," coach Patricia Clark said. "So, when I ran down the street and got the plate number, I yelled to the girls: 'Remember this!'" The cheerleaders put their skills to work, chanting the license number. According to police, a truck hit a car, causing that car to hit another vehicle, which then hit another one. The driver of the truck was found at home and said he didn't think the damage was bad enough to stop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ROYAL OAK, Michigan - Officers were dispatched to the home of Robert McClain after a motorist reported that McClain had fled the scene of an auto accident. The cops were shocked when they arrived at McClain's residence and he tried to strike them with a four-foot sword. McClain then ran to the basement, where he put on a chainmail armored vest, leather gauntlets, and a giant wooden mallet. He beckoned officers to come down and get him, warning them, "I have a thousand years of power." However, all that power was no match for a police Taser, which knocked the medieval McClain on his butt. He was then taken away and charged with felony assault and a misdemeanor count for leaving the accident scene. [http://www.thesmokinggun.com] &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -12- Rex Griffin, singer/songwriter, born Gadsden, AL
1912. Elected NSHF 1970. Smokey Warren of the Warren Brothers, born Phoenix,
AZ 1916.
Porter Wagoner born near West Plains, MO 1927. Member Grand Ole Opry. Inducted CMHF
2002. Buck Owens "Alvis Edgar Owens" born Sherman, TX
1929. Elected NSHF 1996,
CMHF 1996. Buck was the co-host of Hee Haw. Linda Parker, age 23, star of the WLS National Barn
Dance, became ill during a show in Elkhart, Indiana in 1935. She was
hospitalized, and died in the hospital of peritonitis on August 12th,
1935. Paul Craft, songwriter/publisher, born Memphis, TN
1938. Rod Bernard, singer/songwriter, born Opelousas, LA
1940. Danny Shirley "Confederate Railroad" born
Chattanooga, TN 1956. Jim Ed Brown joined the Grand Ole Opry
1963. Johnny Cash's "Johnny Cash At San Quentin," certified
gold 1969. Marty Robbins released "Early Morning
Sunshine/Another Day Has Gone By" 1971. Donna Fargo topped the charts with her album
"Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A." 1972. John Denver married his second wife, Cassandra
Delaney 1988. Patty Loveless went to #1 with "Timber, I'm Falling
In Love" 1989. The first annual birthday celebration for Buck Owens
was held at the Continental Club in Austin, TX
1992. Jean Chapel, age 70, died in Florida
1995. Sony released Charlie Daniels' album "Campfire Songs
& Cowboy Tunes" 1997. Maggie Elizabeth McGraw, the second child of Tim
McGraw and Faith Hill, was born 1998. Eja Lange, firstborn of Shania Twain, and Mutt Lange
was born 2001.
1955 I Don??™t Care - Webb Pierce
1963 Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash
1971 I??™m Just Me -
Charley Pride 1979 Suspicions - Eddie Rabbitt 1987 One Promise Too Late - Reba McEntire Aug. 11, 2005: Faith Hill is number one on
the charts with her brand new CD "Fireflies." The disc was the top selling album
in the U.S. for the week ending Aug. 20 on the Billboard charts. Hill replaced
Rascal Flatts' "Feels Like Today," which slipped to second on the country
chart.
Aug. 10, 2005: Tim McGraw will be ready for
some football every Monday night because he will provide musical halftime
highlights throughout the 36th season of Monday Night Football.
Aug. 10, 2005: Clint Black will perform at
the first-ever "America Supports You Freedom Walk" as part of the Department of
Defense 9-11 commemorations.
When is the planet going to run out of
oil? Variety is the spice of life, but monotony provides the groceries.
Mrs.
Moore Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW NEVER FORGET 9-11 God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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