Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

Subject: The Daily Funnies - August15, 2005

If ya don't like the music, Just turn it off
V

From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to
The Almost Daily Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door.

Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire.
"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands

of People slaving away at a large rock-pile. They were all being whipped as

they Hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders.
"No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands

of People in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins.

All of them Were chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...'
"That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "You should see it when

the angels spend the weekend here with their jet-skis!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nina stood before the judge in divorce court.
Judge: "You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that right?"
Nina: "Yep."
Judge: "And the grounds for your request is that your husband is

too careless about his appearance. Is that correct?"
Nina: "That's right, Judge. He ain't appeared at home in close to five years now."
~~~~
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans
watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our
order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts
of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his
food."
~~~~
It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the
front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned
the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their
lungs.....AMEN... BROTHER! When the preacher condemned the sin of
stealing, they yelled again....PREACH IT REVEREND! And when the preacher
condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed,
RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT IS..... AMEN! But when the preacher
condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the
other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid
of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out
all night?
~~~~~~~
College is fine dining.

Mac & Cheese A rich creamy delicacy, a flavorful melange of creamy
cheddar and al dente pasta served warm in your own home. A silky
delight that delights the palate!

OR

Ramen Noodles An enchanting and nourishing soup steaming with
savory broth, heaping with noodles, and your choice of chicken,
shrimp, pork, beef, vegetables and more. Perfect for those craving
a touch of salt.

You are probably wondering why I started with an ad today. It was
a good start for a story about back in my college days and Macaroni
and Cheese. Back in the early seventies there was no microwaves in
the dorm rooms in fact the only cooking items were popcorn poppers
and coffee pots. A hot plate would have been handy but it would have
popped circuit breakers for half of the floor. My grandmother had
given me a popcorn popper for Christmas and it got plenty of use,
that is till I tried to use it for Macaroni and Cheese. Michigan
State made you buy one meal a week when you lived in the dorms
which was supposed to broaden your horizons by making you go to
a restaurant but what it usually meant was Domino's sold about a
million 3.00 large cheese pizzas on that day or you opted for a
69 cent Barn Buster from Red Barn which was bigger than a Whopper.

I had this plan to cook a meal in my popper. I had a box of macaroni
and cheese, some mystery meat in a can, and milk and butter smuggled
out of the cafeteria. After 3 hours I had boiling water and added
the rest of my ingredients all at the same time along with some
cheese also from the cafeteria and waited for it to come to a
boil. After another couple of hours and occasional stirring it
looked cooked but it was actually a cheesy sort of soup so I let
it boil longer and ordered a pizza. A couple of hours later it
had thickened so I tasted it . It was pretty nasty so I put the
cover on it pulled the plug and decided to wait till the next day
to dump it and clean it .

Time passed days passed and I finally went over to take the popper
down to the communal bathrooms and clean it. There was some things
growing in there that may have been able to save the world, and a
few things that were probably worse than anthrax. The popper went
down the incinerator chute instead of being cleaned and I could
here little fungus voices screaming as it fell four floors. I
went out when I got my next work-study check and bought an exact
replacement popcorn popper and have never mentioned the original's
fate until today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by
a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked puzzled asked, "How do you start a flood?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it that at class reunions you feel
younger than everyone else looks?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Today after President Bush signed the new transportation bill
he said that it's not enough to just pass the law - he said now
"people have to show up to do the work." Then he went back to his
five-week vacation." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at
the office.

He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2"
on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased
about the card.

It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was brought up on charges of bigamy.

The judged looked at the docket and said, "Good God, man! You're
charged with marrying six women. How could you do such a thing?"

"Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was only trying
to find a good one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As his destroyer entered fabled Pearl Harbor, my friend stood
alongside a cocky lieutenant and the Hawaiian harbor pilot. "
So tell me," said the lieutenant to the pilot, "is your state
pronounced 'Huh-WI-ee' or 'Huh-VI-ee'?"

"We say 'Huh-VI-ee,' " the pilot answered.

"And that sign over there," asked the lieutenant, pointing ashore,
"is it pronounced 'Pi-Pee-Lie-Nee'?"

"You could say it that way," said the pilot. "But we Huh-VI-ans
usually just say 'Pipeline.' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.
"Mine says I'm four"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present
for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions
said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old
man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189
pieces and mailed it off to the company.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what
was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost,
but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived
late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on
the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of
the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on
the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the
missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the
missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the
cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a
thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the
front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People
clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the
recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't
understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped.
He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the
hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched
out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I
take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a
newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is
looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that
has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all
over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that
has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't
understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"You should try some Tums and eat properly!"

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
LONDON - It's nice to wake up from surgery to see your family
gathered around you for support. For Melvyn Reed, however,
it wasn't so nice when he awoke from triple bypass surgery to
find all three of his wives surrounding him. While he was under
the knife, his years as a double bigamist came to an end when the
three women showed up at the same time to the hospital and realized
something wasn't right. They held a meeting in the parking lot
and discovered they were all married to the same man! Reed later
turned himself into police, admitting he was married to all three
women, and confessed to bigamy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - I'm sure you've all been annoyed at some
time or another by a noisy car alarm ringing in a park- ing lot or
driveway. David Owen Rye, 48, became so perturbed at an offending
alarm that he fired at least three bullets into a Toyota Camry. He
stopped the alarm, all right, but also attracted the attention
of police, who hauled him away in handcuffs. The owner of the
Camry, a sailor who had just returned home from an eight-month
cruise, was visiting a friend when he heard gunshots on Tuesday
night. Police ordered Rye out of his apartment by an officer with
a bull- horn. He was arrested and booked for investigation of reck-
less discharge of a firearm and felony vandalism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MERTHYR TYDFIL, Wales - A 21-year-old Welsh postman who was
on steroids and forgot to deliver 12,604 letters and packages
has been jailed for three months. Authorities caught Royal Mail
worker Gavin Jenkins of Tylorstown, Wales, when he began using a
cell phone he said fell into his mail bag from an open package,
the South Wales Echo reported Wednesday. Defense attorney Jenny
Treharne said Jenkins started taking steroids around his 20th
birthday and either forgot or thought it was too late to deliver
the mail. "It was the effect of these drugs that he started not
to care about his job and started to store the post in his car,"
Treharne said. "He was relieved when his dishonesty came to an
end." The case cost him his job and his girlfriend, she said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****
ARLINGTON, Va. - A U.S. company has reportedly announced plans
to conduct tourist trips around the moon for a fare of $100
million. Space Adventures of Arlington, Va., told the New York
Times it expects to announce an agreement this week with Russian
space officials to send two passengers on a voyage lasting 10 to
21 days, depending on its itinerary and whether the trip includes
the International Space Station. A roundtrip ticket will cost
$100 million and the space tourists will travel with a Russian
pilot. They will circle the moon and then return to Earth. The
company said it expects moon trips to begin as early as 2008. Well,
beam me up.

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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
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