Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

They then turned to the fourth passenger, a computer engineer in the
making, and waited for his solution. Under pressure now, the fourth
student said "Well, I've really got no idea what it is, but maybe if we
all get out and then get back in again it will be alright."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman,

already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--

who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to

the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the

bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my job as loan officer, I need a customer-information file in order to determine whether to proceed with a requested loan. The young man I was interviewing wasn't in our computer system so I told him I'd need some personal information. After inputting the data, I pushed the appropriate key, creating the file in our system. "There," I said, "I just created you."

His wife looked up with a serious expression. "See, dear," she said to her husband, "I always told you God was a woman!"
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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.

At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here"

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years......."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde definitions

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of
loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel
Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm! .

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While checking my briefcase to make sure I had the paperwork I needed to make a sales call, I absentmindedly closed the door to my car, locking the keys inside. Sheepishly I went into the closest building and asked a number of men sitting in a waiting room if anyone knew how to break into a car. Almost everyone raised his hand. I was in an agency that helped men just released from prison.
~~~~~~~~~
Before we left for the beach, my husband and I observed that finding a beach towel in the house always seemed well nigh impossible in the summer. I later mentioned this seemingly seasonal occurrence to my neighbor Lil, whose backyard pool is popular with kids in the neighborhood. "I'll bet I've got some of your missing towels," Lil suggested. "Heck," she added, "I'll bet I'm the only person who can sort my laundry by colors in the winter and by family in the summer!"
~~~~~~~
The teacher asked, "Why are seagulls called seagulls?" One of the children raised her hand and answered, "Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called "bagels."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself.

One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that would be suitable for carving.

They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture. Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve.

The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs.

The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.

Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained their problem.

The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe would win.

You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it and peeked.

Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew for sure..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men Over 50

Men over 50 don't need reassurance. They often need
Depends.

Men over 50 are sure of themselves. It's their bodies
that have serious doubts.

Men over 50 are delighted to be seen with women in
their 30s. Unless the women are wearing badges and
uniforms, and have just slapped cuffs on you.

Men over 50 no longer fight at the drop of a hat.
They've learned it's hard enough to hit a toilet, much
less an agile younger fellow who is kicking their butt.

Men over 50 have seen it all. They ate and drank a lot
of it, as their expanding waistlines prove.

Men over 50 are sometimes tougher than nails. Bent
nails, Rusty Nails. Toe Nails.

Men over 50 like fast cars and loose women. What they
actually have are loose cars and bad memories of fast
women.

Men over 50 like sizzling steaks and smooth whiskey.
They usually need bran muffins and liquid fiber.

Men over 50 like to sink their teeth in a challenge. Frequently, though,
they are challenged to find their teeth in the sink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18
wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out
of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist
followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver
once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer
door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean
to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have
20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half
of them in the air all the time!"
~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~
This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as
soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and
they all laugh.the man says:

"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"

The man making fun replies "I'd like to see that!!"

"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the
floor and the spider easily picks it up.

"That's nothing!!"

"But there's more, now the spider sill pick up a table" and the spider
easily picks up the table.

The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now,
gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits
on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks
up the bar!!!

The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says
"Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it
couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40
guys on it.

The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air
of determination. suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on
the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of
wussies, scared of a little spider!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~Dianne~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****

In the last two years, gastric bypass surgeries have jumped from 40,000 a year to 120,000. You know, wouldn't it just be cheaper to build bypass roads around McDonald's and Pizza Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a bishop visited one of his remoter parishes, he was surprised to find only five people in the congregation. He said to the vicar "Did you tell the people I was coming?." The vicar replied "No, but Heaven help the person who did
~~~
Teacher: "Who succeeded the first president of the United States?"

Student: "The second one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your children weren't made to like you. That's what grandchildren are for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YA KNOW?

The original idea of tombstones was that the weight pressing down on the body would not allow the ghost to float away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why am I using a new putter?
Because the last one didn't float too well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they are emailing friends, sufing the Internet, and playing solitaire!" (Jay Leno)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table. "What are you doing?" asked his mom. "The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a
doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.

DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get
undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)

HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at
me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly,
the hunchback removes his t-shirt)

DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?

HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your
backpack?

**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Some vitamins slow cataract growth

BOSTON, -- Tufts University researchers say long-term in-
take of vitamins B, E and C may inhibit cataract develop-
ment. Age-related cataract is the world's leading cause
of blindness but surgical correction is currently the only
known option for intervention. The researchers at the Jean
Mayer USDA Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging at
Tufts University sought to determine if prevention is pos-
sible. In one study, lead scientist Paul Jacques, director
of the center's Nutritional Epidemiology Program, and his
colleagues analyzed the diets and examined the eyes of a
group of Boston-area women during a five-year period.

Those reporting supplementing their diets with vitamin E
for 10 years or more had significantly less progression of
cataract development. Similar findings were seen among
those reporting higher intakes of two B vitamins, ribo-
flavin and thiamin. "Our results," said Jacques, "suggest
vitamin supplementation, particularly long-term use of
vitamin E, may slow cataract development." An earlier study
indicated similar results for vitamin C. The study's com-
plete findings appear in the American Journal of Clinical
Nutrition
~~~~~~~~
            Protein may increase risk of tumor

ST. LOUIS, -- A protein that protects the body from tissue
damage also increases the risk of tumors, according to St.
Louis researchers. Researchers of the Washington University
School of Medicine say moderate reduction of the protein
level protects against tumor formation but increases
susceptibility to tissue injury. Because of its protective
function in the body, the protein potentially could be used
to selectively shield cells from toxic therapies, according
to senior author Dr. Steven J. Weintraub, an investigator
with the Siteman Cancer Center at Washington University
School of Medicine and Barnes-Jewish Hospital. "We earlier
found that Bcl-xL helps the body's healthy cells survive
the effects of toxic chemotherapeutic agents," says
Weintraub. "This new study clearly demonstrates a trade-
off by showing that normal levels of Bcl-xL encourage the
growth of tumors in mice exposed to a carcinogen." The
study is published in Oncogene's advance online publica-
tion.
~~~~~

        Study may help treat spinal cord injuries

CHICAGO, -- Findings from a University of Chicago study
might help physicians restore function to people with
paralyzing spinal cord injuries. Researchers say the same
family of chemical signals that attracts developing sensory
nerves up the spinal cord toward the brain serves to repel
motor nerves, sending them down the cord and away from the
brain. Previously, researchers reported a gradient of bio-
chemical signals known as the Wnt proteins acted as a guide
for sensory nerves. These nerves have a receptor on the
tips of their growth cones, known as Frizzled3, which re-
sponds to Wnts.

In the latest study, researchers show the nerves growing in
the opposite direction are driven down the cord, away from
the brain, under the guidance of a receptor, known as Ryk,
which sees Wnts as repulsive signals. "This is remarkable
example of the efficiency of nature," said Yimin Zou,
assistant professor of neurobiology, pharmacology and
physiology. "The nervous system is using a similar set of
chemical signals to regulate axon traffic in both direct-
ions along the length of the spinal cord." The report
appears in the September issue of Nature Neuroscience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Mysteries of garlic are revealed

SAN FRANCISCO, -- University of California scientists have
determined garlic's active ingredients work the same in the
same way as the chemicals in chili peppers and wasabi.Re-
searchers at the University of California-San Francisco's
Department of Cellular and Molecular Pharmacology said
garlic's pungent aroma and its effects on the body, such
as dilating blood vessels, are due to a variety of sulfur-
based chemicals, especially allicin.

Little is known about how those compounds produce their
effects on a molecular level, but researchers David Julius
and colleagues demonstrated garlic extracts, as well as
purified allicin, excite a subset of sensory pain neurons
from rats by activating a cell membrane channel called
TRPA1. The excited neurons then release brain chemicals
stimulating blood vessel dilation and inflammation in rats.

Interestingly, the scientists said, both capsaicin -- found
in chili peppers -- and allyl isothiocyanate -- found in
mustard plants -- also activate the TRP channel pathway,
suggesting the different plant species have developed
convergent strategies of chemical irritation. The study
appears in this week's online early edition of the Proceed-
ings of the National Academy of Sciences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           New Alzheimer's finding is announced

ROCHESTER, N.Y., Aug. 15 (UPI) -- University of Rochester,
N.Y., scientists have discovered a link between a develop-
mental gene and neurovascular dysfunction in Alzheimer's
disease. The school's medical center researchers say the
gene plays a major role in the growth and remodeling of
vascular systems. But, in brain cells of Alzheimer's
victims, expression of the gene is low, and that, they say,
reveals a new piece of the Alzheimer's puzzle. In labora-
tory studies, the scientists also showed restoration of
the gene expression level stimulated the formation of new
blood vessels.

It also increased the level of a protein that removes
amyloid beta peptide, the toxin that builds up in Alzheimer
victim's brains. In further studies, Dr. Berislav Zlokovic
and colleagues deleted one copy of the gene in mice,
creating echoes of the damage of Alzheimer's, including
reduced ability to grow brain blood vessels. "This is a
new pathway for the study and treatment of Alzheimer's
disease," said Zlokovic. "If we can stop this cycle, we
could slow or stop the progression of the neuronal
component of this disease." The study appears in the
online version of Nature Medicine and will be published
in the journal's September edition.

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Gordon irked by team switches

NASCAR star blasts moves by Kurt Busch, Jamie McMurray.

Story

Patrick pining for victory

IRL rookie looks to break into Victory Lane at this week in Colo.

Story

The Extra Mile with Kyle

Costly spin makes for a rough road at Watkins Glen; mailbag.

Story