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"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
WEDNESDAY AUGUST 24,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it
is understandable why mothers cry at weddings. -- Trudie
Stein
Young Cecil stopped by the corner grocery store and
read the
following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4
pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars
soap at $.83 each.
"How much does that come to?" asked
Cecil.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
"If I gave you
three ten dollar bills, how much change would I
get?" said the
boy.
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who
appeared
to be irritated by all the questions.
Cecil said, as he
disappeared through the door, "I don't want to
buy the items...that's our
arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I
needed some help with
it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his
efforts to sell
a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally.
"How
would your wife carry on if you should die?"
"Well..." drawled
the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be
any concern of mine -- long
as she behaves herself while I'm
alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman
turned to her husband and said, "Next week is our 30th
wedding anniversary.
What do you think we ought to do?"
Her husband thought carefully before
giving his answer. "Have a
moment of silence?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A
student from the University of Washington has sold his soul
on eBay for $400.
He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need
it, but still, that's not
very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said,
'Hey, at least I got some furniture
and a Senate seat for mine."
---Jay
Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found
a guide
with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where
he
would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up
the
river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked
the
anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide
turned to him
and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when
they stop. "They both
went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly
stopped. The guide crouched in the
belly of the canoe and covered
his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!""
intoned the guide with
great urgency. "Why? What does this mean?" asked
the panicked
anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come guitar
solo!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A California man named
Ron Gremban has come up with a simple device
that allows his hybrid car to
get up to 250 miles a gallon. It's not
clear which oil company will
assassinate him first, but Mr. Gremban
has about 48 hours to
live.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would give blood more often if those
sticklers at the blood bank
didn't insist that it be my
own....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****
Quickies ****
Woman to husband at
breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his
nose ring!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wal-Mart says they plan to open 90 stores in China by the end of next
year. 90 stores! Well, that makes sense. I guess they figure they might as well
open stores in China. That's where all the stuff is made. - Jay
Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Research has shown that men
usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in their sleep they have to be
right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
President Bush made a speech about homeland security in front of Mount
Rushmore. There was one awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and
said, "Which one is President
Rushmore?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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READERS COMMENTS ****
Gas prices (a must to
read)
While ya'll are reading
this, contemplate what I saw on CNBC at lunch today. Profits (not revenues) were
up 10 billion dollars for Exxon/Mobil over the last 24 months.
*&%!!#&*%!!
This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy
gas on a certain
day" campaign that was going around last April or May!
The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we
wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was
more
of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT,
whoever
thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really
work.
Please read it and join with us!
By now you're probably
thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50
Is super cheap. Me too! It is
currently $2.75 for regular unleaded in
My town.
Now that the
oil companies and the OPEC nations have
Conditioned us to think that the
cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at
$1.50-$1.75,
We need to take
aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control
The marketplace....
not sellers.
With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we
consumers
Need to take action. The only way we are going to see the
price of gas
Come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not
purchasing
Their gas!
And we can do that WITHOUT hurting
ourselves.
How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying
gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to
force a price war.
Here's the idea:
For the rest of this
year, DON"T purchase ANY gasoline from the
Two biggest companies (which
now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they
Are not selling any gas, they
will be inclined to reduce their prices.
If
They reduce their
prices, the other companies will have to follow
suit.
But to have an
impact, we need to reach literally millions of
Exxon and Mobil gas
buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't
whimp
(sic) out on me
at this point... keep reading and I'll explain how
simple it is to reach
millions of people!!
I am sending this note to about thirty people. If
each of you
send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those
300 send it
to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the
time the
message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have
reached over THREE MILLION consumers!
If those three million get
excited and pass this on to ten
Friends each, then 30 million people
will have been contacted! If it
goes
One level further, you guessed
it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is
send this to 10 people and DON"T
Purchase ANY gasoline from EXXON and
MOBIL. That's all.
How long would all that take? If each of us sends
this email
Out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300
MILLION
people
Could conceivably be contacted within the next 8
days!!! I'll bet you
didn't think you and I had that much potential, did
you! Acting
together we can make a difference.
If this makes sense
to you, please pass this message on.
PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER
THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30
RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY
WORK
Kara Selvia
Purchasing
Manager
Consel,
Inc.
Phone: 239-643-7345 Fax:
239-643-7756
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** WEIRD
HAPPENINS ****
----------------- The Not So Great Escape
-----------------
DEVIZES, England - What seemed like a
lucky break proved to
be detrimental to Erlestoke prisoners
Robert Denvey, Frank
Riorden and Samuel Kerrigan. The trio
escaped the penitenti-
ary via a ladder they found conveniently
propped against a
prison wall and a car they found on the other
side with its
engine running. However, the eyes of fate were not
smiling
upon them and the trio crashed the car into a ditch in
thick
fog just a few miles from the prison. Too embarrassed
to
turn back, they handed themselves over to a woman out
walking
and asked her to call the police. This little excursion
has
added an extra 15 months jail time to each man's
sentence.
--------- First Prize Boozer Falls Head Over
Heals ---------
NORWOOD, Ohio - Who would have thunk you can
get drunk at an
"all-you-can-drink" competition. Apparently not
67-year-old
John Remley. He reportedly got so drunk on his free
booze
prize that staff at Lieb's Cafe moved him away from the
bar
and allegedly left him unattended near some steps. He
then
proceeded to fall down the steps, hit his head and was
knocked
unconscious. Remley is now seeking $1 million in
punitive
damages, and an additional undetermined amount of money
in
excess for past and future medical bills, pain and
suffering
from bar owner for Ron Janus for continuing to supply
him
with alcohol.
--- Man Uses Cow's Derriere to Sneak Tobacco Into Prison
---
INDIANA - An Indiana Man's plan to smuggle tobacco
into
prison by hiding it inside cow's rectums went up in
smoke.
Former warden John Hester, 51, had the responsibility
of
bringing the cows to the Pendleton prison and killing
them
for regular consumption within the compound. Hester
was
trying to trade the tobacco for money orders obtained
for
him by an inmate's mother. Now out on bail, Hester
faces
seven charges of bribery and is awaiting trial. In an
attempt
to explain the complicated smuggling process, Indiana
State
Police Detective Gregory Belt stated, "It was stuffed
into
the cow, and then the cow was brought onto the floor and
it
was removed."
[Thanks for that moooooving
testimony, Detective.]
------------ A New Kind of San
Francisco Treat? ------------
SAN FRANCISCO - Now why
doesn't this surprise me coming from
San Francisco? City council
officials will now have the oppor-
tunity to have their
sex-change operation covered under their
health insurance plan.
Mayor Willie Brown and the Board of
Supervisors are expected to
sign a contract within the next
few weeks that will extend a
predetermined amount of money in
benefits. San Francisco would
apparently be the first govern-
mental body in the US to make
sex-change benefits available.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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****
HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble
getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of
getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It
takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an
animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's
the web site! Pass it along to people you
know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
Why are horses shot when they break a
leg?
 It does seem absurd that in this day and age,
a broken bone means a horse must be destroyed. As we found out, this isn't always the case, though it's still sometimes necessary. As
strong as horses are, their legs are pretty fragile -- especially when you
consider all the weight they have to support. When a horse breaks a leg, the
animal must remain inactive while the bone heals. And sadly, it's simply not in
a horse's nature to stand still. As well, horses sleep standing up, so there's
never any relief from pain--and when a horse can't put weight on one leg, the
leg opposite it starts to fail as well, because it's overloaded.
Many
vets can help a horse recover from a broken bone, but the expense is sometimes
too great. Additionally, a horse's age and disposition, as well as the severity
of the break, must be taken into account. Sometimes the treatment is worse for
the horse than the actual injury. One article points out that while horses have
the ability to recover from certain injuries, they're pretty miserable while
doing so. Racing injuries are a growing concern. In 2002, 840 horses suffered
fatal racing breakdowns on American tracks: one fatality for every 92 races.
3,566 broke down so severely they could not finish the race.
But it's not
all gloom and doom. Vets have developed some techniques to help horses heal.
Surgery is now much more common than it once was, and artificial limbs, while
rare, do exist. As you'd expect, each situation is different, and owners should
take to heart the advice of their veterinarian. These animal-welfare concerns
are going to have to be dealt with-- but nevertheless, it seems certain horse
racing will continue to be one of the most popular spectator sports in the
world. After 6,000 years, there's little doubt that this is a sport with
"legs."
****A PARTING
THOUGHT ****
You always hear people using
the phrase "working like a dog"
but when's the last time you saw a dog doing
any work?
TOON TIME
Fart
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1132.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1132.htm
"> Here!</a>
Vergina Beer
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1131.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1131.htm
"> Here!</a>
Everything On The Rise
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1128.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1128.htm
"> Here!</a>
Comb Over Club
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/028.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/028.htm">
Here </a>
Common Stereo Types
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/029.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/029.htm">
Here </a>
Buffalo Closed
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1127.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1127.htm
"> Here!</a>
Presidential Election DVD
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1126.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1126.htm
"> Here!</a>
Stop Procrastinating
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1125.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1125.htm
"> Here!</a>
on the subject of birthmarks
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy1grate.html
<a
href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy1grate.html
">click
here</a>
and u think u are bored?
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy2grate.html
<a
href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy2grate.html
">click
here</a>
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
AGGIE test pilot( Texas, that is...........) It
seems that a young Texas
Aggie volunteered for military service during World
War II He had such a
high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to
Pensacola Naval Air
Station, skipping recruit training. The very first day at
Pensacola he
solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do
was give him
his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier
in the
Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly
shot
down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet,
he
found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting
that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier
and
came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy,
climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said,
"Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain
turned
around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly,
velly
selious mistake!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
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The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
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GOD BLESS AMERICA
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Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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REMEMBER
THE
COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
God Bless
America , Our Land , Forever May She
Stand
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