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"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
THURSDAY AUGUST 25,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
It's like magic. When you live by yourself,
all your annoying habits
are gone!
Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in
kindergarten. One day,
she and her mother were walking through the
grocery store discussing
what ingredients went into various products.
Sarah Kay said, "Pork
comes from pigs and beef comes from cows." Then
she asked, "How DO they
get the pork from the pig, Mommy?" Her mother
felt that the truth was
the only way to go, so she explained that they kill
the animal to eat
its meat. Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves
staring at the meat
and saying, "They KILLED a cow to get THIS?" She
could not believe it,
and her little heart was broken. Then, they went to the
bakery where
Sarah Kay began to check out the various donuts and
goodies. She
noticed a beautiful white cake and asked, "Mommy, what is
this cake
called?" Her mother replied, "It's an angelfood cake,
honey."
Immediately Sarah Kay's eyes filled with big tears and she wailed,
"You
mean they KILLED an ANGEL to make
this?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night my husband treated his widowed mother and I to a
movie. We were enjoying the film until it came to a fairly explicit bedroom love
scene. Embarrassed, I wondered what my mother-in-law must be
thinking.
Just then I felt her hand touch mine. With her eyes still glued
to the screen, my mother-in-law whispered, "Lovely sheets. I wonder where she
got them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Americans
and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they
continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One
day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog
fight. They'd have five years to breed the best
fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the
world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The
Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in
the world
and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed
his siblings, and
gave him all the milk. They used steroids and
trainers and after five
years came up with the biggest meanest dog the
world had ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were five inches
thick and nobody could get near
it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange
animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog
could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself
around the outside
of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost
completely surrounded. When
the Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
reached out and consumed the Russian dog
in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking
their heads in disbelief.
'We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best
people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler
bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor and his wife were riding very fast on a motorcycle. A church member
that was a policeman stopped him promptly, and said, "What do you think you are
doing? You were going mighty fast there, pastor."
The policeman's pastor
says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin...see how it runs."
The
policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket. Driving like
that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The preacher says, "Don't
worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I
have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third
degree?"
Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we
could."
Sergeant: "And did you get a confession?"
Officer: "Not
exactly. All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed
off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shirley and Abe,
a retired couple from New York City, living in
Miami Beach, are getting ready
to go out to dinner.
Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear
this Chanel
suit or the Gucci?"
Abe says, "Do I care?"
A few
minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier
watch or my
Rolex?"
Abe says, "Who cares?"
A few more minutes pass and Shirley
says, "Abe, love, shall I wear
my five-carat pear diamond ring or my
six-carat round diamond ring
with the baguettes?"
Abe says, "Shirley,
I really don't care what you wear, but if you
don't get moving, we're going
to miss the Early Bird
Special."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who, What, or Where Is
This?
I have a British accent.
I worked for the
Banks, but know nothing of investments.
My carpetbag is much bigger than
it looks.
I am fictional.
I advocate taking medication with
sugar.
I worked at Number 17 Cherry Tree Lane.
Julie Andrews was
me in a 1960's movie.
My favorite adjective is
'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'.
Think you know the answer?
Scroll down and let's find out...
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
SUBSCRIBE
TO:
RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&****
HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
A burglar has been
arrested in the Pennsylvania after he returned
to a house to get an electric
cord for a computer he had stolen
earlier.
42-year-old Amdahl Zillah
was arrested by security officials who
spotted him as he was crawling out of
a first bathroom window.
He admitted to burgling the house earlier in the
day with two
companions but said he decided to return because he had
forgotten
the cord.
~~~~~~~**** WEIRD HAPPENINS
****
Farmer's Markets are SO five minutes
ago??¦ The newest rage in elderly driving incidents is plowing parades. 86
year-old Lillian Meyerhoff drove her red Cadillac through Goodview, Minnesota on
Sunday and turned onto the town's main drag ??“ meeting the annual town parade
head-on. Instead of slowing down or ??“ Heaven forbid ??“ actually stopping,
Meyerhoff sped up. Reaching speeds ranging between 35 and 50 mph, the
octogenarian kamikaze damn near took out groups of folks, including children and
an entire girl's gymnastics team. Cops caught up with Meyerhoff at her home a
short time later and ticketed her, where she stated she was upset that police
weren't "enforcing the law to keep people off the streets while she was trying
to drive on it" (man, she sounds like a vindictive old broad). The town has
asked that her driving abilities be re-evaluated by the state. Maybe they should
re-evaluate her mental state while they're at it??¦ - Fox News, 1 st
story
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,166562,00.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Human
rights workers in Mexico are objecting to an airport security
scanner that
shows passengers 'naked'.
The scanner, at Mexico City's international
airport, is designed
to help the police detect guns, drugs and hidden
money.
But Mexico?‚??s National Commission of Human Rights wants
the
scanner removed.
A spokesperson unveiled, "We consider the use of
this machine to
be violating human rights, it virtually undresses
people!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
You can join The Funnies
IT'S
FREE
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**** HEALTH NEWS
****
Skin cells turned into stem
cells
BOSTON, -- The controversy over embryonic stem cell
re-
search may become moot with a procedure that turns
skin
cells into what appear to be embryonic stem cells.
A
Harvard University research team said it devised the
pro-
cedure without having to use human eggs or make new
human
embryos in the process, The Washington Post
reported
Monday. The technique uses laboratory-grown human
embryo-
nic stem cells -- such as ones President Bush
previously
approved for use by federally funded researchers,
the
Post said. Those cells are used "reprogram" genes in
a
person's skin cells, turning the skin cells into
embryo-
nic stem cells. If confirmed by subsequent research,
the
procedure could end the bitter controversy that has
stym-
ied human embryonic stem cell research in the
United
States. The research is detailed this week in the
journal
Science.
Unique respiratory
virus is identified
STOCKHOLM, Sweden, -- Researchers have
discovered a virus
associated with lower respiratory tract
infections -- the
leading cause of children and infant
hospitalizations.
Although a number of viruses can cause LRTI,
about 12 per-
cent to 39 percent of such cases have an
undetermined
origin. To determine if an unidentified virus
contributes
to LRTI, Tobias Allander and colleagues at the
Karolinska
Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, studied viral DNA in
lung
samples from Swedish hospital patients. The
researchers
detected seven virus species in the samples, one of
which
was a human bocavirus provisionally named HBoV. All
HBoV-
positive samples came from infants and children. To
in-
vestigate whether HBoV is directly associated with
lung
infections, the researchers tested 540 respiratory
tract
samples collected from a pediatric infectious disease
ward.
They found 17 children with LRTI were positive for
HBoV.
HBoV was found primarily in samples negative for
other
viruses, suggesting it was the cause of LRTI in
those
cases. The researchers also suggest their large-scale
DNA
screening method may be useful to uncover other
viruses
responsible for diseases of unknown origin. The
research
appears in the online early edition of the Proceedings
of
the National Academy of
Sciences.
Sneaky
compound kills brain cancer cells
ST. LOUIS, -- A compound
that kills cancer can sneak past
the blood brain barrier to do
its work in fighting a par-
ticularly invasive brain cancer.
"The bottom line is, if
you can get drugs into the brain, you
can cure brain
cancer," said Dr. William Banks of the St.
Louis
University School of Medicine. The compound -- JV-1-36
--
is an antagonist of the hypothalamic growth hormone,
which
has been found to cause cancerous tumors, such as
malignant
glioblastomas, to grow. Researchers found the blood
brain
barrier that usually keeps anti-cancer drugs out of
the
brain, intercepted some of the JV-1-36 that was
injected
into mice, but allowed much of it pass into the brain
to
treat cancer. "The blood brain barrier is set up to
very
carefully patrol what it lets into the brain and what
it
keeps out. It makes these decisions based on the
physico-
chemical properties," said Banks "Most of our drugs
that
fight cancers are toxic to cancer cells and to other
cells,
too. That's why the blood brain barrier locks them out
of
the brain." The findings appear in the online early
edition
of the Proceedings of the National Academy of
Sciences.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble
getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of
getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It
takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an
animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's
the web site! Pass it along to people you
know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies/HEY LOOK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
Is it true that nothing can live in the Dead
Sea?
61524/90565_deadsea.jpg
/deadsea.jpg" align=right
border=0> Well, not exactly....The
Dead Sea got its cool-sounding moniker for a reason - namely, no fish or aquatic
life forms can survive in its salty waters. However, certain types of bacteria
and microbes can handle the high salinity. So technically, the sea does play
host to some living creatures, but they're definitely on the lower end of the
evolutionary scale.
For this and other reasons, the Dead Sea is one of
the planet's most unusual places. At roughly 1,292 feet below sea level, it's
the lowest water surface on Earth. And as those who've splashed around in it no
doubt can attest, the mass amounts of salt and other solid substances allow
swimmers to stay afloat without much effort. So the very salt that kills fish
also helps swimmers keep their heads above water (and without the benefit of arm
floaties). That's not exactly irony, but it's
something..
TOON
TIME
Dog's Worse Nightmare
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1141.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1141.htm ">
Here!</a>
Digging It Out
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1139.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1139.htm ">
Here!</a>
Bra
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1140.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1140.htm ">
Here!</a>
when a face lift is no longer an option
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy7grate.html
<a href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy7grate.html
">click
here</a>
gotta be an easier way http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy8grate.html
<a href=" http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/yy8grate.html
">click
here</a>
LAST CALL Y'ALL
A
man learned shortly before quitting time that he had
to attend a meeting. He
tried unsuccessfully to locate
his car-pool members to let them know that he
would
not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one
fellow and left
it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without
me.
Dave."
At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found
this note:
"Meet us at the bar and grill across the
street. You drove Dumbbass."
A.MARY
POPPINS
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in
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REMEMBER
THE
COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER FORGET 9-11
God Bless
America , Our Land , Forever May She
Stand
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