"You are far too upset and worried about your son. 

I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked,

"Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"`Who cares?" she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane
agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new
wife was ignoring him more and more.

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other
men.  Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my
grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the
money!"
~~~~~~~
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip
of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before
the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was
suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My
brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as
good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and
left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow
human being.

Six months later, the man was back.

"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving
the man a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst
twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder
into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.

"That doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."

"Huh? But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
~~~~~~~~
While on vacation with my son and his family I shared a room with my
four year old granddaughter, Lacey.

One morning when Lacey woke up she told me that she had some really nice
dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.

I told her I wished I was able to dream like that too.

Lacey replied,

"But you can't grandma, can you, because you snore too much."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rules for Flight!
There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass
across the sky...

1.  Every takeoff is optional.  Every landing is mandatory.
2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3.  Flying isn't
dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous. 4.  It's always better to be
down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down
here. 5.  The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating. 7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever
collided with the sky. 8.  A 'good' landing is one from which you can
walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane
again. 9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself. 10.  You know you've landed with
the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11.  The
probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
vice-versa. 12.  Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain
didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13.  Stay out of clouds.  The silver
lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in
the opposite direction.
       Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to
hide out in clouds. 14.  Always try to keep the number of landings you
make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15.  There are three
simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows
what they are. 16.  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag
of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you
empty the bag of luck. 17.  Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly
the earth repels them. 18.  If all you can see out of the window is
ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they
should be. 19.  In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum
going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per
hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20.  Good judgment comes from
experience.  Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21.  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible. 22.  Keep looking around.  There's always something
you've missed. 23.  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the
law.  And it's not subject to repeal. 24.  The four most useless things
to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at
the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. 25.  There are old pilots and
there are bold pilots.  There are, however, no old, bold pilots.