MONDAY AUGUST 29,2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it." - Charles Schulz

When I was training to become an emergency medical technician, the
physician in charge stressed the importance of using proper medical
terminology. Soon after my graduation, I had to transport a boy
with a head wound to the hospital, so I radioed in the description:
"Ten- year-old male with ten-centimeter laceration on the left
occipital region."

The doctor who had instructed me met us in the emergency room. "What
happened, son?" he asked the child. "Did you bop your gourd?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand
was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.  "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing!" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell
me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye
dog bit me."
~~~Christine~~~~

It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I
tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there
was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the
beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and
all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon returns some books he borrowed from the library. The
librarian quips after checking the books....."Sir your books are
always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies..."I can't stop myself from removing an appendix
when ever I see one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual
information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic
footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gay unions are now legal in states like Vermont, but they
are not having much luck in the West Va., where there are
strict rules which forbid getting married unless you are
heterosexual, fourteen, or 'kin.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Puns

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mali and Lali were chatting over coffee.

Mali said,

"I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee.
I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I
get a stabbing pain in one eye."

Mali then took a sip of her coffee from the cup,

"Owwwww!" she screamed. "There it goes again!"

So observing Lali said,

"Mali, for heavens sake, take the spoon out of your cup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I teach dental health education to elementary-school children. In one second grade class, I explained that the inside of a tooth contains blood and nerves and asked if someone could tell me what nerves were. A little boy raised his hand. "Nerves are when you are driving on the highway at night when it's raining and you can't see the road!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so
the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a
game of soccer.  The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when
the Ants gained possession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards
the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back
came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the
little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What do you
think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship,
killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill
him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carlos the ice-cream man's van was parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big group of excited kids stretched down the street waiting...but no sign of Carlos.

A policeman walking down the road wondered what was going on. Where is Carlos? Why is he not handing out the ice cream? He went over to the van and peered over the high counter.

On the floor he spotted Carlos, lying very still, covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits. "Get back kids," he shouted. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him, he got on the radio to the station.

"Sarge, get someone down here quick!" he mutters, "it's Carlos the ice-cream man...He's topped himself!"

The sarge answers, "It's to be expected. Today's Sunday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TIME SERVED.......

**** HEALTH NEWS ****
'Change blindness' isn't magic  

LONDON, -- Scientists have determined why we often miss  
major changes in our surroundings -- such as a traffic  
light changing while we listen to the radio. University  
College London researchers say our inability to notice  
large changes is a phenomenon often exploited by magi-  
cians -- and scientists have determined the exact part  
of the brain that's so often deceived. The UCL team, in  
a paper published in the journal Cerebral Cortex said  
the part of the brain called the parietal cortex -- the  
area responsible for concentration -- is also critical  
to our ability to detect changes. Researchers say the  
exact critical spot lies just a few centimeters above  
and behind the right ear -- the area many people scratch  
when concentrating. Using transcranial magnetic stimula-  
tion, the team temporarily switched off the parietal  
cortex. Without help from that region of the brain, sub-  
jects failed to notice even major visual changes such as  
a change of a person's face. UCL Psychology Professor  
Nilli Lavie, the study's lead researcher, said the find-  
ing that the brain's parietal cortex region controls both  
concentration and visual awareness explains why we can be  
so easily deceived by a magician's trick.   



           Placebo effect not purely psychological  

ANN ARBOR, Mich., -- A University of Michigan study sug-  
gests just believing a medicine will relieve pain is  
enough to prompt one's brain to release its own natural  
painkillers. The researchers -- led by Dr. Jon-Kar Zubieta,  
an associate professor of psychiatry and radiology -- said  
their study provides the first direct evidence the brain's  
own pain-fighting chemicals, called endorphins, play a  
role in the phenomenon known as the placebo effect, result-  
ing in a reduction in feelings of pain. Previous studies  
showed the brain reacts physically when a person is given  
a sham pain treatment expected to help. But Zubieta said  
the most recent study is the first to pinpoint a specific  
brain chemistry mechanism for a pain-related placebo  
effect. He said the results might result in better use of  
psychological therapy for people suffering chronic pain.  
The results are published in the Aug. 24 issue of the  
Journal of Neuroscience by a team from the the university's  
Molecular and Behavioral Neurosciences Institute.   



         Anesthetized heroin withdrawal: no benefit  

NEW YORK`, N.Y., -- Researchers say they've determined the  
use of general anesthesia for heroin detoxification offers  
no benefit when compared with other methods. In addition,  
the scientists said the use of anesthesia for detoxifica-  
tion is associated with several potentially life-threaten-  
ing adverse events. The researchers, led by led by Dr.  
Eric Collins of Columbia University, said many of the  
approximately 1 million heroin-dependent individuals in  
the United States fear the physical discomfort of with-  
drawal and either avoid treatment or leave it prematurely.  
Such problems have given rise to ultra-rapid, or anes-  
thesia-assisted opioid detoxification, which involves  
administering an opioid antagonist to neutralize the  
effects of heroin while the patient is unconscious from  
general anesthesia. Although publicized as a fast, pain-  
less way to withdraw from heroin, the treatment is  
expensive -- costing as much as $15,000 -- and lacks good  
evidence to support efficacy, the scientists wrote. The  
study appears in the Aug. 24 issue of the Journal of the  
American Medical Association.  

Why is the gas tank on the right in some cars and the left on others?

Apparently, this question has plagued car owners for some time. We found a number of theories by visiting the links in the Automotive category. Here are a few:

* Car makers place the fuel door on arbitrary sides so everyone doesn't try to pull up to the same side of the pump at gas stations.

* On German vehicles, the gas door is always on the right so people don't have to stand in a traffic lane when fueling on a roadway.

* The gas filler will almost always be on the opposite side of the vehicle from the exhaust pipe.

This last theory appears to be correct. There is no universal standard for placement of the gas filler, but "the exhaust system has to go down one side of the car, and the gasoline filler tube generally goes on the other." So it's the vehicle's engineering design that determines the location of the gas tank. And who knows -- perhaps in the future gas tanks will only be available as an option. Just kidding about that last part.


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
If you're never willing to apologize, it's quite likely
you've never been hurt or offended.

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LAST CALL Y'ALL
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take
his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of
listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress
accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the
last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had
learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It
makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes
your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If
there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"




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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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