Back about 1962 when I had just started driving tank trucks,
me and my instructor each drove separate trucks. One night as we
were returning to our delivery area, we were hauling road oil,
we stopped for coffee at an old truck stop along old route 66
in south central Illinois. As we drank our coffee out side the
restaurant, two guys came along with a large male raccoon. My
instructor asked what they were going to with it and they said
"we don't know" my buddy said you want to see something funny,
and they said sure, so my buddy gets an old gym bag out of his
truck, dumps his stuff out of it, borrows a pair of gloves and
stuffs that mad raccoon into the bag and zips it shut.

The next move was to take the bag set it alongside the main highway
and run back to the station parking lot. Just as planned an old
turquoise plaza Plymouth screeches to a stop, a long black arm
reaches out and snags the bag. Off they go with a cloud of blue
smoke following them.  About the time the car gets to sixty, more
blue smoke from sliding tires, the doors fly open and everybody
bails out and they are looking back. Pretty soon that nasty raccoon
comes ambling out of the car, and everybody in the parking lot
is almost on the ground laughing. Well worth the loss of an old
gym bag
~~~~~~~
There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He
became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a
lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit
suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall
building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes
a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on
with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with
one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up
his heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my bass itches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway.  But, as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens
were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.  So
one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to do something about all of these people driving
so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and
erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers.  The 'school crossing' sign seems to
make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers
and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up.  So the farmer called
and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing
no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything
in order to have him stop calling.  Well, the sheriff got
no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff
decided to call him. "How's the problem with those
drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung
up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that
farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there
that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he
saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood.  And
written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I  
don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all  
at the same time!"  

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good  
Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and  
he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one  
customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each  
day before ordering.  

One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be  
made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she  
marked out the ham and eggs entry.  

Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes,  
the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice  
that I scratched something you like?"  

Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well,  
would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham  
and eggs?" 
~~~~~~~~~

MEN ARE HAPPIER PEOPLE

It's a fact! ......

Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when yo u're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only ha ve to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lot of people hang around our downtown asking for change. You
know, 'Do you have any spare change, buddy?' They sometimes make
you feel guilty and after a while, I couldn't take it any more. One
day I dropped a nickel into the guy's cup and it made a splash. How
did I know he was drinking coffee?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DRINKING BUDDIES

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.

One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all.

Then the phone rings...it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't even get a hangover".

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing.." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?"

"No......." "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and
swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation
say so far, no change." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero
instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks
you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see
who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks
were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll
the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a
grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.

I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my
purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister.
Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up
his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured,

"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she
asked him,

"How will you be paying?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A while back an airplane company ran an add stating that they would
make you a pilot for $2,900.  They want to train more people to
fly planes in hopes that they could sell more planes. Their add
had a beautiful picture of an airplane and in big black print were
the words, "We will make you a pilot for $2,900.

I heard that the ad elicited a lot of response, but the most
unique response came from 7 women in Kansas.  They wrote into the
company and said; "We understand you can make us a pilot for $2,900.
We would like you to make us one right away.  We want him to be a
man, 6 feet tall, 190 pounds, with blue eyes and brown wavy hair.
We understand that you guarantee that you can make us a pilot.
Therefore we would like the pilot on approval for about 60 days.
If he works out we'll order more."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Bush administration proposed new fuel economy standards
for pickup trucks, minivans and some sport utility vehicles on
Tuesday, calling upon auto makers to make improvements to gas
mileage.  The standards go into effect about a year after after
the entire Bush administration retires on it's Chevron pensions."
- Steve Tatum
~~~~~~~~~~~
A third grader went home and told her mother she was in love with
a classmate and was going to marry him.  "That's fine," said her
mother going along with the gag.  "Does he have a job?"

The little girl replied, "Oh yes!  He erases the blackboard in
our class."
~~~~~~~~
The CheezPuff's daycare has this little thing where they will stamp cutesy things on their hands as a small reward for good behavior. The CheezPuff actually gets these stamps on occasion, and is most proud when he does - he wears them like a badge of honor. Somehow, he managed to get one of these yesterday.

Last night, for lack of anything better to watch (and for me to get my HBK fix), we flipped the channel over to Monday night wrestling. One of those tattoo-covered dudes came bouncing out into the ring... he was literally covered with them. The CheezPuff looks up and says, "Wow... He must have been a really good boy today!"
~~~DS~~~~~~~~
A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation."

Trucker: "Yeah, I feel really sick."

Assessor: "All right then, does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?"

Trucker: "Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job."

Assessor: "And what about the cabin in which you drive?"

Trucker: "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined."

Assessor: "What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?"

Trucker: "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead."

Assessor: "Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container."

Trucker: "Yeah, that??™s right. All lead."

Assessor: "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning."

Trucker: "I'm not suing for radiation poison. I claiming for lead poisoning!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~