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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us." These
are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 16,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a
knot and hang on." (President Teddy Roosevelt)
A five-year-old was amazed by his grandfather's
false teeth. He watched as Gramps removed his dentures, washed them and put
them back in.
He asked to see it done again and again.
"Okay,"
said the grandfather humoring the child. "Anything else?"
"Yeah,"
said the kid, "Now take off your nose." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was appalled when he sat down to
pay his family's February bills. "I guess I've just encountered the ghost of
Christmas past," he mused. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two
psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one
asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a
patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South
America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for
a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did
anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from
this fantasy uncle. Iworked with this man eight years."
"What was the
result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but
I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter
arrived!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My seven-year-old
niece had gone fishing with her grandpa
After an hour or so, Grandpa
asked, "Are you having any luck?"
"No!" she replied indignantly. "I don't
think my worm is really trying. " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Moshe, the
owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent
about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the
year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I
work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed
three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not
your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions.
You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the
owner said looking guilty. " Er Well... we also
deliver." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Neighbor to woman: "I hear your husband
is in the hospital. What happened?" The other woman replied, "Knee
trouble. I found his secretary sitting on
it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the final moon mission, NASA had the
astronauts bring back some moon rocks so that all the colleges could study
the minerals and such in them and come up with some findings to bring back to
them and have a discussion. So, they took rocks to U-T, MIT, Stanford, and
all the schools. But, they realized that they were one rock short when
they got to A&M. So, they saw a ranch, and took one of the
cow-patties, and made it look like a little rock. When they got to
A&M, they had a big presentation ceremony, and went back.
A month
later, the day of the discussion came and all the schools showed up and one
of the NASA engineers asked for opening comments. So, the reprentative of
A&M stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a huge
announcement. We have proof that the cow really did jump over the
moon." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald
Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice
President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the
window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice
President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and
make 10 people very happy." Not to be outdone, the Secretary of
Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and
says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant people back there. I could throw the
three of them out the window and make 56 million people really
happy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My brother, a retired clergyman, is often
contacted by funeral directors on behalf of bereaved families who have no church
connection. On a visit to a grieving widow, he outlined the funeral service and
asked if she might like to request a favorite hymn. "Oh, yes," she answered,
"could we have 'Bye Bye Sweetie'?"
Years of pastoral training and
experience helped my brother maintain his decorum. He gently asked the widow
where she had heard this "hymn," which, he admitted, was unfamiliar to
him.
"When I was a little girl," she explained, "I really liked to hear
them singing that hymn."
A moment's puzzled reflection brought
inspiration: the hymn, remembered from childhood, must surely have been "In the
Sweet By and By." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We were in an unfamiliar town,
had only ten minutes until the funeral we had come to attend was to begin and
had no idea where the home was. My husband dashed into a lumberyard to ask for
directions, and one man volunteered to lead us there. As we pulled in behind his
car, we knew we had the right guide: His licence plate read, NOS
ALL. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I realized that my five-year-old grandson
had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended
a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the
aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to
marry?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My violin teacher was instructing
a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This
violin was made in the early 1800s in Vienna."
Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So
you got it used?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our friends, James
and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings, and
often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir
members.
Florence soon noticed that every time she had a
glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache.
James agreed with her that it might be better if she
abstained, and so she did.
On one post choir
occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to
try a different variety of wine. Some time passed with no
consequences.
Then she waved happily across the big table
where her col- leagues all sat and while holding up the empty
wine glass announced in a loud voice, "James! I don't have
a headache tonight!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious
enough that he decided to change his will.
At his lawyer's
office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an
heircut." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jennifer cried as her five-year-old daughter Maddie boarded the
school bus for the first time. "Mommy, why are you crying?" asked Maddie.
Jennifer, a pilot for a commercial airline, replied, "Because it's your first
solo flight away from the nest." Maddie, looking stylish in her hot-pink,
high-top tennis shoes and matching book bag, said, "Don't cry, Mommy. I'm going
first-class." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the height of a
political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't
hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not
respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer
the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, I
thought he was talking to you."
****
Quickies **** Do Illiterate People
Have A Problem Digesting Alphabet Soup
-- IrishWarLock ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At night court, a
man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name,
occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an
electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry cell!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What can be
driven but has no wheels, and can be sliced but still remains whole? A: A
golf ball. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You heard what Noah told his son when they went fishing? "Easy on the
bait, son, we only have two worms." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is there anything worse than
finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a
worm. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As any gossip can tell you, secrets are the only
things that circulate more rapidly than money.
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HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** IRON COUNTY, Missouri -
It was another rendition of "Stupid Human Tricks" when a drunken
Missouri man decided to swallow a live fish and choked to death
on it. An inebriated Todd Poller, 45, told his friends to watch
him as he grabbed a five inch perch from a creek. He dropped it
headfirst into his mouth but it lodged in his throat. He began
choking and gasping for air. His Friends tried to dislodge the
fish by using the Heimlich Maneuver, but it was too late. Poller
was dead by the time an ambulance arrived. According to
Alan Mathes, Sheriff of Iron County, the autopsy report
showed Poller died from asphyxiation from having a fish
lodged in his throat. In addition to this, he also suffered
lacer- ations to the inside of his throat from the fish's
fins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HELSINGBORG, Sweden - A 20-year-old
man developed what he thought to be a fool-proof robbery plan.
He would wait for the home and garden store employees to leave
for the night and take merchandise. All was going according to
plan as he stuffed items in a duvet cover, when he realized he
had no way out of the store. He tried opening the front door
with a crowbar and attempted to break through a wall in the
restrooms. Both efforts were to no avail. He finally gave up and
called the police for help. The authorities were too happy to
bail him out and promptly arrest him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MANCHESTER, England - Many thieves will
go after scores of cash, others will go for expensive jewelry or
flashy cars. But thieves in Manchester, England apparently have
a differ- ent agenda. In one case, intruders smashed a high tech
secur- ity system at a biscuit factory to steal a small
monetary value of wafers. In another, burglars stole thousand
of dollars worth of motorcycles and the shop's pet
cockatoo. David Evans, of Gorton-based Two Cities Insurance
Services, stated: "We have had more theft claims in the last
month than in the past five years...yet there is no logic to
the kinds of shops
targeted." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 15-year-old boy has been arrested in Seattle, Washington state for
assaulting a bus driver with a gallon of milk.
The bus driver told police
she was having problems with the boy and his friend because they were
swearing and behaving aggressively. She stopped the bus and told them to
leave, but the boys began swearing at her and one of them threw a milk
carton, hitting her on the shoulder.
The milk went all over the driver
and the bus window.
The boys left the bus and the driver called her
manager, who called police.
The 15-year-old was arrested on suspicion
of assault. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**** WEIRD HAPPENINS
**** Calif. Motorist Struck by Flying
Deer
BLACKHAWK, Calif. - Motorist Robert Brooks thought he hit a deer.
That is, until he got out of his car and the deer hit him. Brooks stopped his
car Tuesday evening along a rural road 35 miles east of San Francisco to
check for damage from the collision. Nothing. No damage and no sign of the
deer.
Then headlights from another car emerged and that car struck
the animal, propelling it airborne into Brooks and breaking his ankle. "He
was in the wrong place at the wrong time," said California Highway Patrol
Officer Steve Creel. The deer was pronounced dead at the scene.
Authorities are still looking for the driver of the second
vehicle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOKYO - A Japanese company
has found an unusual way to cut down on energy costs this winter - by
offering a heated bra to employees. Government leaders have been promoting
their "Warm Biz" drive nationwide in an effort to get workers to dress warmly
and save energy during the cold weather. Triumph International has gone a
step beyond the call by creating the Warm Biz Bra, that will supposedly add
"a little fun and chic to office wear." The bra has removable pads that can
be heated in the microwave or hot water. It also includes furry straps that
wrap around the neck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Truck Drivers Haunted By
Deadly Accidents
NORWAY - Here's an amazing statistic to come out of
Norway: 11 out of 26 Norwegian traffic accidents involving front to
front collisions between cars and large freight trucks are suicides.
The study by SINTEF shows that these collisions were conscious attempts at
suicide, with the car seeking the truck. Professional truckers said the
deadly accidents often leave drivers with psychological problems. "For
truckers it is a macabre sight when suicidal types wave and smile as they
drive into the front of a rig," said Alf Ragnar Karlsen of the Norwegian
Transport Worker Union. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. **** A well
respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving
home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The
doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the
other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the
friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was
putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite
serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there
already!"
**** ON THIS DAY **** As you well know, we are
getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is a celebration in my honor and
I think that this year the celebration will be repeated. During
this time there are many people shopping for gifts, there are many radio
announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone is
talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer. It is
really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me.
As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago.
At first people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I
did for them, but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the
celebration. Family and friends get together and have a lot of
fun, but they don't know the meaning of the celebration. I remember that last
year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinner table was full of delicious
foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and chocolates. The decorations
were exquisite and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts.
But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited.
I was the guest of honor and they didn't remember to send me an
invitation. The party was for me, but when that great day came, I
was left outside, they closed the door in my face .. and I wanted to be with
them and share their table. In truth, that didn't surprise me
because in the last few years all close their doors to me. Since I wasn't
invited, I decided to enter the party without making any noise. I went in
and stood in a corner. They were all drinking; there were some who
were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything. They were having a
grand time. To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red
wearing a long white beard entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk.
He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying: "Santa Claus, Santa
Claus" as if the party were in his honor! At midnight all the
people began to hug each other; I extended my arms waiting for someone to hug me
and do you know no-one hugged me. Suddenly they all began to share
gifts. They opened them one by one with great expectation. When all had been
opened, I looked to see if , maybe, there was one for me. What would you feel if
on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one? I
then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.
Every year it gets worse. People only remember the gifts, the
parties, to eat and drink, and nobody remembers me. I would like
this Christmas that you allow me to enter into your life. I would
like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to
this world to give my life for you, on the cross, to save you.
Today, I only want that you believe this with all your heart.
I want to share something with you. As many didn't invite me to
their party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party that no one has
ever imagined, a spectacular party. I'm still making the final arrangements..
Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation
for you. I want to know if you wish to attend and I will make a reservation for
you and write your name with golden letters in my great guest book.
Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party.
Those who don't answer the invite, will be left outside. Be
prepared because when all is ready you will be part of my great party.
See you soon. I Love you! Jesus
~~~~~~~KATE~~~~~~~ Note from
Norm
Something that will please liberals &
conservatives, but not for the same reason.....
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this
year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that
there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington
DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they
simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in
the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding
enough asses to fill the stable.( I'M SURE HE MEANS
DONKEYS)
**** HEADS UP
FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please
Help
Organ and Tissue
Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram in exchange for
advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U
Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject
Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** CMA
WINNERS
VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR
Rascal Flatts
HORIZON AWARD
Dierks Bentley
FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR
Gretchen Wilson
MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR
Keith Urban
VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR
Brooks & Dunn
ALBUM OF THE YEAR (Award goes to artist
and producer) There??™s More Where That Came From ??“ Lee Ann Womack Produced by Byron Gallimore/Greg Droman MCA Nashville
MUSICAL EVENT OF THE YEAR
George Strait (Duet with Lee Ann Womack) "Good News, Bad News" MCA Nashville
SONG OF THE YEAR (Award goes to
songwriter and primary publisher) "Whiskey Lullaby" Bill Anderson/Jon Randall Sony/ATV/Mr. Bubba Music/Reynsong/Wha Ya Say Music
SINGLE OF THE YEAR (Award goes to artist
and producer) "I May Hate Myself In The Morning" ??“ Lee Ann Womack Produced by Byron Gallimore MCA
Nashville
**** Amy's Kitchen
**** CHEESY BROCCOLI
CASSEROLE
INGREDIENTS: 1
(10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup 1 cup
mayonnaise 1 egg, beaten 1/4 cup minced onion
(optional) 3 (10 ounce) packages frozen chopped
broccoli 1 small jar chopped pimento 8 ounces
shredded sharp Cheddar cheese salt & pepper to
taste 2 pinches paprika
DIRECTIONS: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 13x9x2
inch baking dish. In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together
condensed soup, mayonnaise, beaten egg, and, if desired, chopped
onion. Place frozen broccoli in a very large mixing bowl and
break up the pieces. Pour soup-mayonnaise mixture on top of
broccoli and mix well. Add pimento and cheese, mix well. Pour
mixture into prepared baking dish and smooth top of casserole
using a spatula. Sprinkle lightly with paprika plus salt &
pepper if desired. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to 1 hour.
Serve hot.
Yield: 6-8
Servings ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOUBLE STUFF PUMPKIN
PIE
INGREDIENTS:
*
Crust: 1 cup Flour 1/4 Cup Brown
Sugar 1/2 Cup Chopped Pecans 1/2 Cup Melted
butter
DIRECTIONS: Combine all ingredients
and spread into a pie dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.
Cool.
* Filling: 4 oz cream cheese,
softened 1 TB Half and Half 1 TB
Sugar 1 1/2 Cup Thawed cool whip
1 cup half
and half 2 4-ounce packages of Instant Vanilla
Pudding 1 16-ounce can Pumpkin 1 TS cinnamon,
ground 1/2 TS Ginger, ground 1/4 TS Cloves,
ground
Add first 3 ingredients in a large bowl and stir with
wire whisk until smooth. Gently Stir In cool whip and spread
on top of crust. Pour rest of the half and half into bowl
with vanilla pudding and beat with wire Whisk until well
blended (1 or 2 minutes, Mixture will be thick). Stir pumpkin
and spices into Pudding mixture and mix well. Spread this
over cream cheese layer and refrigerate at least 3
hours.
* Garnish with whipped topping and nuts, if
desired ~~~~~~~~~~~ No-Bake Fudge Cookies
2 cups Sugar 1/2
cup Milk 1/2 cup Butter or Margarine 3/4 cup Peanut Butter 3 cups
Quick-cooking oats 6 tablespoons Cocoa Powder 1 teaspoon
Vanilla
Boil first three ingredient for one minute, over medium heat in a
large pan (Dutch oven size). Next, add peanut butter and cocoa and mix
well with a wire whisk. Remove from heat, and stir in vanilla. Add
quick oats, until mixture will just hold it's shape when dropped from a
spoon. You may need to increase the amount of oats by as much as 1/2 cup,
depending one your altitude and humidity. Drop mixture by teaspoonfuls or
use cookie scoop to drop mixture onto cookie sheets which have been lined with
waxed paper. Cool before serving.
****
TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
Why do people put blinders on
horses?
Blinders are usually used to keep
the horse focused on what is in front of it. Since the
horse can't see everything in it's peripheral vision, it keeps the horse from
becoming distracted or scared. You will notice that blinders are used in
situations where there may a lot of distractions, such as public
places.
And the site of most frequent use: race tracks, because some
horses don't react well to the sight of horses beside or just behind them.
Incidentally, it's supposedly true that if they're blindfolded, horses can be
managed in situations that would otherwise panic them, like stable fires, a
one-time standby of Western movies.
Blindfolds are sometimes put on
horses as a method of restraint. It stops the horse seeing what is going on,
including sight of the worming syringe, or syringe for injecting into muscle. It
is sometimes combined with other restraints, such as knee hobbles, and a twitch.
For treatments that require the horse to stay still, restraints are often
necessary. It means both horse and handlers stay safe.
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
No matter how bad
it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
TOON TIME
W.I.P http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22245.htm
Do
Not Use Elevator http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22244.htm
Cats Dine http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22243.htm
Friends... http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1239.html
Shopping From Home http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/012.htm
How Much Is This http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22242.htm
Shark http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22240.htm
Rock
On http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22241.htm
the
golf pro and the cell phone... http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/kay2grate.html
troubling
news http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/kay3grate.html
Because
I Said So http://www.buffaloschips.com/2230516.htm
Black
Belt http://www.buffaloschips.com/blackbelt.htm
Ride http://www.buffaloschips.com/ride.htm
LAST
CALL Y'ALL One day, this woman went to a bait shop to
get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one,
she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but
I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor,
I'll recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that.
After
hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400.
It'll be $40.00."
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up
off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The
owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."
Fifty
dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars
a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel.
The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is
$2.50."
That's all
folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out
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n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA
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