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Subject: The Daily Funnies - November16, 2005



 

From Carlisle ,Indiana
Welcome to
  
The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 16,2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "When you get to the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on." (President Teddy Roosevelt)

 

A five-year-old was amazed by his grandfather's false teeth. He
watched as Gramps removed his dentures, washed them and put them
back in.

He asked to see it done again and again.

"Okay," said the grandfather humoring the child.  "Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the kid, "Now take off your nose."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was appalled when he sat down to pay his family's February bills. "I guess I've just encountered the ghost of Christmas past," he mused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy
world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die
and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to
arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything,
he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this
fantasy uncle. Iworked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I
finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My seven-year-old niece had gone fishing with her grandpa

After an hour or so, Grandpa asked, "Are you having any luck?"

"No!" she replied indignantly. "I don't think my worm is really trying. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten
trips to Israel for you and your wife."

"Oh, that?" the owner said looking guilty.
" Er Well... we also deliver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Neighbor to woman: "I hear your husband is in the hospital.
What happened?" The other woman replied, "Knee trouble.  I found
his secretary sitting on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the final moon mission, NASA had the astronauts bring back some
moon rocks so that all the colleges could study the minerals and
such in them and come up with some findings to bring back to them
and have a discussion. So, they took rocks to U-T, MIT, Stanford,
and all the schools.  But, they realized that they were one rock
short when they got to A&M.  So, they saw a ranch, and took one of
the cow-patties, and made it look like a little rock.  When they
got to A&M, they had a big presentation ceremony, and went back.

A month later, the day of the discussion came and all the schools
showed up and one of the NASA engineers asked for opening comments.
So, the reprentative of A&M stood up and said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we have a huge announcement.  We have proof that the
cow really did jump over the moon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.  The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
   The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
   Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
   The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant people back there.  I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother, a retired clergyman, is often contacted by funeral directors on behalf of bereaved families who have no church connection. On a visit to a grieving widow, he outlined the funeral service and asked if she might like to request a favorite hymn. "Oh, yes," she answered, "could we have 'Bye Bye Sweetie'?"

Years of pastoral training and experience helped my brother maintain his decorum. He gently asked the widow where she had heard this "hymn," which, he admitted, was unfamiliar to him.

"When I was a little girl," she explained, "I really liked to hear them singing that hymn."

A moment's puzzled reflection brought inspiration: the hymn, remembered from childhood, must surely have been "In the Sweet By and By."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were in an unfamiliar town, had only ten minutes until the funeral we had come to attend was to begin and had no idea where the home was. My husband dashed into a lumberyard to ask for directions, and one man volunteered to lead us there. As we pulled in behind his car, we knew we had the right guide: His licence plate read, NOS ALL.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching  
too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's  
wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward  
the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this  
where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My violin teacher was instructing a large group class. She  
showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in  
the early 1800s in Vienna."  

Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So  
you got it used?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice  
Wednesday evenings, and often head for a restaurant  
afterwards with their fellow choir members.  

Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of  
wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James  
agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained,  
and so she did.  

On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after  
some hesitation, to try a different variety of wine. Some  
time passed with no consequences.  

Then she waved happily across the big table where her col-  
leagues all sat and while holding up the empty wine glass  
announced in a loud voice, "James!  I don't have a headache  
tonight!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was  
serious enough that he decided to change his will.  

At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and  
said, "This needs an heircut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jennifer cried as her five-year-old daughter Maddie boarded the school bus for the first time. "Mommy, why are you crying?" asked Maddie. Jennifer, a pilot for a commercial airline, replied, "Because it's your first solo flight away from the nest." Maddie, looking stylish in her hot-pink, high-top tennis shoes and matching book bag, said, "Don't cry, Mommy. I'm going first-class."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted
five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out
the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that
you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer
repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the
question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, I thought he
was talking to you."


**** Quickies
 ****
Do Illiterate People Have A Problem Digesting Alphabet Soup --
IrishWarLock
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What can be driven but has no wheels, and can be sliced but still remains whole?
A: A golf ball.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You heard what Noah told his son when they went fishing? "Easy on the bait, son, we only have two worms."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is there anything worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As any gossip can tell you, secrets are the only things that circulate more rapidly than money.


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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
IRON COUNTY, Missouri - It was another rendition of "Stupid  
Human Tricks" when a drunken Missouri man decided to swallow  
a live fish and choked to death on it. An inebriated Todd  
Poller, 45, told his friends to watch him as he grabbed a  
five inch perch from a creek. He dropped it headfirst into  
his mouth but it lodged in his throat. He began choking and  
gasping for air. His Friends tried to dislodge the fish by  
using the Heimlich Maneuver, but it was too late. Poller was  
dead by the time an ambulance arrived. According to Alan  
Mathes, Sheriff of Iron County, the autopsy report showed  
Poller died from asphyxiation from having a fish lodged  
in his throat. In addition to this, he also suffered lacer-  
ations to the inside of his throat from the fish's fins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HELSINGBORG, Sweden - A 20-year-old man developed what he  
thought to be a fool-proof robbery plan. He would wait for  
the home and garden store employees to leave for the night  
and take merchandise. All was going according to plan as he  
stuffed items in a duvet cover, when he realized he had no way  
out of the store. He tried opening the front door with a crowbar  
and attempted to break through a wall in the restrooms. Both  
efforts were to no avail. He finally gave up and called the  
police for help. The authorities were too happy to bail him  
out and promptly arrest him.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MANCHESTER, England - Many thieves will go after scores of  
cash, others will go for expensive jewelry or flashy cars.  
But thieves in Manchester, England apparently have a differ-  
ent agenda. In one case, intruders smashed a high tech secur-  
ity system at a biscuit factory to steal a small monetary  
value of wafers. In another, burglars stole thousand of  
dollars worth of motorcycles and the shop's pet cockatoo.  
David Evans, of Gorton-based Two Cities Insurance Services,  
stated: "We have had more theft claims in the last month  
than in the past five years...yet there is no logic to the  
kinds of shops targeted."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
A 15-year-old boy has been arrested in Seattle, Washington state
for assaulting a bus driver with a gallon of milk.

The bus driver told police she was having problems with the boy and
his friend because they were swearing and behaving aggressively. She
stopped the bus and told them to leave, but the boys began swearing
at her and one of them threw a milk carton, hitting her on the
shoulder.

The milk went all over the driver and the bus window.

The boys left the bus and the driver called her manager, who
called police.

The 15-year-old was arrested on suspicion of assault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****
Calif. Motorist Struck by Flying Deer

BLACKHAWK, Calif. - Motorist Robert Brooks thought he hit a
deer. That is, until he got out of his car and the deer hit him.
Brooks stopped his car Tuesday evening along a rural road 35 miles
east of San Francisco to check for damage from the collision.
Nothing. No damage and no sign of the deer.

Then headlights from another car emerged and that car struck the
animal, propelling it airborne into Brooks and breaking his ankle.
"He was in the wrong place at the wrong time," said California
Highway Patrol Officer Steve Creel.  The deer was pronounced dead
at the scene.  Authorities are still looking for the driver of
the second vehicle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOKYO - A Japanese company has found an unusual way to cut
down on energy costs this winter - by offering a heated bra to
employees. Government leaders have been promoting their "Warm Biz"
drive nationwide in an effort to get workers to dress warmly and
save energy during the cold weather. Triumph International has
gone a step beyond the call by creating the Warm Biz Bra, that
will supposedly add "a little fun and chic to office wear." The
bra has removable pads that can be heated in the microwave or hot
water. It also includes furry straps that wrap around the neck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Truck Drivers Haunted By Deadly Accidents

NORWAY - Here's an amazing statistic to come out of Norway: 11
out of 26 Norwegian traffic accidents involving front to front
collisions between cars and large freight trucks are suicides. The
study by SINTEF shows that these collisions were conscious attempts
at suicide, with the car seeking the truck. Professional truckers
said the deadly accidents often leave drivers with psychological
problems. "For truckers it is a macabre sight when suicidal types
wave and smile as they drive into the front of a rig," said Alf
Ragnar Karlsen of the Norwegian Transport Worker Union.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening
just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the
evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and
heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact,
three doctors are there already!"


**** ON THIS DAY ****
As you well know, we are getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is a celebration in my honor and I think that this year the celebration will be repeated.
 
During this time there are many people shopping for gifts, there are many radio announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer.
 
It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me.
 
As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago.
 
At first people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for them, but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the celebration.
 
Family and friends get together and have a lot of fun, but they don't know the meaning of the celebration. I remember that last year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinner table was full of delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and chocolates. The decorations  were exquisite and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts.
 
But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited.
 
I was the guest of honor and they didn't remember to send me an invitation.
 
The party was for me, but when that great day came, I was left outside, they closed the door in my face .. and I wanted to be with them and share their table.
 
In truth, that didn't surprise me because in the last few years all close their doors to me. Since I wasn't invited, I decided to enter  the party without making any noise. I went in and stood in a corner.
 
They were all drinking; there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything. They were having a grand time.
 
To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red wearing a long white beard entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk. He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying: "Santa Claus, Santa Claus" as if the party were in his honor!
 
At midnight all the people began to hug each other; I extended my arms waiting for someone to hug me and do you know no-one hugged me.
 
Suddenly they all began to share gifts. They opened them one by one with great expectation. When all had been opened, I looked to see if , maybe, there was one for me. What would you feel if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one?
 
I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.
 
Every year it gets worse. People only remember the gifts, the parties, to eat and drink, and nobody remembers me.
 
I would like this Christmas that you allow me to enter into your life.
 
I would like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to this world to give my life for you, on the cross, to save you.
 
Today, I only want that you believe this with all your heart.
 
I want to share something with you. As many didn't invite me to their party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party that no one has ever imagined, a spectacular party. I'm still making the final arrangements..
 
Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation for you. I want to know if you wish to attend and I will make a reservation for you and write your name with golden letters in my great guest book.
 
Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party.
 
Those who don't answer the invite, will be left outside. Be prepared because when all is ready you will be part of my great party.
 
See you soon. I Love you! Jesus
~~~~~~~KATE~~~~~~~
Note from Norm

Something that will please liberals & conservatives, but not for the same reason.....
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year!
 
 
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season.
 
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
 
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.( I'M SURE HE MEANS DONKEYS)


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
CMA WINNERS

VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR

Rascal Flatts

HORIZON AWARD

Dierks Bentley

FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR

Gretchen Wilson

MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR

Keith Urban

VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR

Brooks & Dunn

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
(Award goes to artist and producer) There??™s More Where That Came From ??“
Lee Ann Womack
Produced by Byron Gallimore/Greg Droman
MCA Nashville

MUSICAL EVENT OF THE YEAR

George Strait (Duet with Lee Ann Womack)
"Good News, Bad News"
MCA Nashville

SONG OF THE YEAR
(Award goes to songwriter and primary publisher) "Whiskey Lullaby"
Bill Anderson/Jon Randall
Sony/ATV/Mr. Bubba Music/Reynsong/Wha Ya Say Music

SINGLE OF THE YEAR
(Award goes to artist and producer) "I May Hate Myself In The Morning" ??“
Lee Ann Womack
Produced by Byron Gallimore
MCA Nashville

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  
CHEESY BROCCOLI CASSEROLE   

INGREDIENTS:  
1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup  
1 cup mayonnaise  
1 egg, beaten  
1/4 cup minced onion (optional)  
3 (10 ounce) packages frozen chopped broccoli  
1 small jar chopped pimento  
8 ounces shredded sharp Cheddar cheese  
 salt & pepper to taste  
2 pinches paprika  

DIRECTIONS:  
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 13x9x2 inch baking dish.  
In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together condensed soup,  
mayonnaise, beaten egg, and, if desired, chopped onion. Place  
frozen broccoli in a very large mixing bowl and break up the  
pieces. Pour soup-mayonnaise mixture on top of broccoli and mix  
well. Add pimento and cheese, mix well. Pour mixture into  
prepared baking dish and smooth top of casserole using a spatula.  
Sprinkle lightly with paprika plus salt & pepper if desired.  
Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to 1 hour. Serve hot.  

Yield: 6-8 Servings 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DOUBLE STUFF PUMPKIN PIE   

INGREDIENTS:  

* Crust:  
1 cup Flour  
1/4 Cup Brown Sugar  
1/2 Cup Chopped Pecans  
1/2 Cup Melted butter  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine all ingredients and spread into a pie dish.  
Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Cool.  

* Filling:  
4 oz cream cheese, softened  
1 TB Half and Half  
1 TB Sugar  
1 1/2 Cup Thawed cool whip  

1 cup half and half  
2 4-ounce packages of Instant Vanilla Pudding  
1 16-ounce can Pumpkin  
1 TS cinnamon, ground  
1/2 TS Ginger, ground  
1/4 TS Cloves, ground  

Add first 3 ingredients in a large bowl and stir with wire  
whisk until smooth. Gently Stir In cool whip and spread on  
top of crust. Pour rest of the half and half into bowl with  
vanilla pudding and beat with wire Whisk until well blended  
(1 or 2 minutes, Mixture will be thick). Stir pumpkin and  
spices into Pudding mixture and mix well. Spread this over  
cream cheese layer and refrigerate at least 3 hours.  

* Garnish with whipped topping and nuts, if desired 
~~~~~~~~~~~
No-Bake Fudge Cookies

2 cups Sugar
1/2 cup Milk
1/2 cup Butter or Margarine
3/4 cup Peanut Butter
3 cups Quick-cooking oats
6 tablespoons Cocoa Powder
1 teaspoon Vanilla

Boil first three ingredient for one minute, over medium heat in a large pan (Dutch oven size).  Next, add peanut butter and cocoa and mix well with a wire whisk.  Remove from heat, and stir in vanilla.  Add quick oats, until mixture will just hold it's shape when dropped from a spoon.  You may need to increase the amount of oats by as much as 1/2 cup, depending one your altitude and humidity.  Drop mixture by teaspoonfuls or use cookie scoop to drop mixture onto cookie sheets which have been lined with waxed paper.  Cool before serving.


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why do people put blinders on horses?

Blinders are usually used to keep the horse focused on what is in front of it. Since the horse can't see everything in it's peripheral vision, it keeps the horse from becoming distracted or scared. You will notice that blinders are used in situations where there may a lot of distractions, such as public places.

And the site of most frequent use: race tracks, because some horses don't react well to the sight of horses beside or just behind them. Incidentally, it's supposedly true that if they're blindfolded, horses can be managed in situations that would otherwise panic them, like stable fires, a one-time standby of Western movies.

Blindfolds are sometimes put on horses as a method of restraint. It stops the horse seeing what is going on, including sight of the worming syringe, or syringe for injecting into muscle. It is sometimes combined with other restraints, such as knee hobbles, and a twitch. For treatments that require the horse to stay still, restraints are often necessary. It means both horse and handlers stay safe.


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.


TOON TIME

W.I.P
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22245.htm

Do Not Use Elevator
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22244.htm

Cats Dine
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22243.htm

Friends...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1239.html

Shopping From Home
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/012.htm

How Much Is This
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22242.htm

Shark
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22240.htm

Rock On
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22241.htm


the golf pro and the cell phone...
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/kay2grate.html

troubling news
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/kay3grate.html

Because I Said So
http://www.buffaloschips.com/2230516.htm

Black Belt
http://www.buffaloschips.com/blackbelt.htm

Ride
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ride.htm


LAST CALL Y'ALL
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a
fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she
inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot
see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll
recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the
Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the
floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart.
The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty
dollars."

Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that
is was forty dollars a moment ago!"

"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The
duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."



That's all folks
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