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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember
It is easier to
get older than it is to get
wiser.
THURSDAY NOVEMBER 17,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
I'm all in favor or keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with the computer.
(This means you
Blondie)
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San
Francisco when he saw a seafood
restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board
which read, "Big Lobster Tales,
$5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said
to the waitress, "$5 each
for lobster tails ... is that
correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for
today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster
tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
Are you
sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she
said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5
each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old
lobster tails!"
"No,
they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?",
he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five
dollars," he said, "I'll take one.
She took the money and led him to a
table where she invited him to sit down.
She then sat down next to him, put
her hand on his shoulder, leaned over
close to him and said, "Once upon a
time there was a really big red lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed
to call
him when she was ready to be picked-up. She must have dialed a
wrong number,
she reported later.
She called, and a man said, "Hello," to which she
cheerfully said, "Come
and get me!"
The man replied, "Are you sure?
This is Mitchell's funeral home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A paramedic was
asked on a local TV talk-show
program: "What was your most unusual
and
challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big
white
church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic
said. "A frantic usher was
very concerned
that during the sermon an elderly man passed
out in a pew
and appeared to be dead. The
usher could find no pulse and there was
no
noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding
about
this particular call?" the interviewer asked.
"Well," the
paramedic said, "we carried out
four guys before we found the one who
was
dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the
Bird!
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think
your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice
next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain
newfound
appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner,
the guys can take the bird to the yard and play
football.
11. The
less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be
to walk
around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks
of turkey sandwiches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dad and I were talking the
other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their
wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.
It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband. "And she said, "I
do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He
does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
????????
Unusual and intricate cakes were
our specialty at the bakery where I worked. I told one of my customers she had
chosen a cake that was $15 and was recommended for five servings. "Twelve
dollars?" she asked me.
I repeated the cost. But again she asked if it
was $12. Once more I corrected her.
"But if the cake is $15 for five
servings," she explained, "then I should be charged $12 since I'm serving only
four people."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A deputy police officer
responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out
to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost
300 pounds. What's more, he
boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali too.
Said the
policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
artist-probably better than
Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy
continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is
a set of handcuffs. Why don't you
see just how quickly you can break out of
them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you
sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he
replied. "I can't
do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Am I using my computer too
much?
I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your
shopping cart and you're one click away from check-out!"
I told my
daughter, "Ctrl+X your attitude young lady!"
I challenged a co-worker,"If
you don't believe me,just Google it!"
My uncle was having a mid-life
crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful-when you reformat, important files can
get lost."
"Even though Grandma's gone," I consoled my father, "she'll
remain in our registry."
When my wife reminded me to do something for the
tenth time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to
download".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I almost got thrown out of my
sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking
of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was
serious).
She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I
was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going
to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've
seen the movie. Now, eat the star!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ho, Ho, Ho
More and more people are beginning to
believe that the real Christmas message is "Batteries not
included."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man
was on a safari deep, deep in the jungle when he suddenly found himself
surrounded by fierce-looking natives! As they moved closer, he remembered an old
trick he saw in a movie.
Quickly, pulling out his Bic lighter, he flicked
the flame towards the leader of the natives.
Astonished, the leader
jumped back several feet and gasped, "Wow! That's incredible!"
"You'd
better believe it's incredible," said the man, all the while waving the flame at
him.
"It certainly is," says the leader. I can't remember the last time I
saw a lighter that lit on the frist flick!"
****
Quickies ****
Two antennas met on a
roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.
~
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
~
Two peanuts walk
into a bar, and one was a salted.
~
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
~
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
~
Two cannibals are eating a
clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
~
"Doc,
I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" Doc
answers, "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
The patient says, "Is it common?"
Well,
"It's Not Unusual."
~
Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
~
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
~
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
~
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
~
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
~
Two termites
walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
~
BUT WAIT --
THERE'S MORE!!
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International
Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The
one turns to the other and
says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a
kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it
sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron,"
The
other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess
enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out
of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they
moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes
to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not.
He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so.
Thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd
diet, he suffered from
bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.
10. And finally,
there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten
did
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue water Navy truism;
There are more planes in the ocean than there
are
submarines in the
sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably
a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air
Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to
pee.
When one engine fails
on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power
left to get you to
the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws
up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most
common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it
doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are
horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight
attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two
are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.
A smooth
landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row
is
prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was
dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for
the
purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more
important than radioing your plight to a
person
on the ground incapable of
understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding
incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash
because of weather, your funeral will be
held on
a sunny
day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash)
seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in
the
vicinity
as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the
safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill
you. (Attributed to
Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear
probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride,
astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far
into the
crash
as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test
pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride
the
bastard
down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I
Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am
at
80,000
Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location
Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F.
Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with
someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm
in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
1970).
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain
trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an
A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about
to.
Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2.
Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by
the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult
to
fly there.
You know that your landing gear
is up and locked when it takes full
power to
taxi to the
terminal.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
SUBSCRIBE
TO:
RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&Wo
said turkeys are stupid?
**** WEIRD HAPPENINS
****
Woman in Witch Costume Robs
Wash. Bank
A woman dressed as a witch robbed a bank and vanished in the
smoke of an exploding security dye pack, then apparently reappeared in street
clothes and held up another bank, police said.
The Halloween holdups were less than an hour apart at bank
branches in Olympia and neighboring Lacey, authorities said.
The first robbery was reported when a woman wearing a shiny
purple witch hat, cloak and long blond wig handed the teller a note indicating
she had a weapon and demanding cash, Lacey police Lt. Phil Comstock
said.
As the woman ran from the bank, the dye pack exploded and she
dropped the money and her hat, authorities said.
Olympia police later received a silent alarm from a bank branch
where witnesses said a woman handed the teller a note and escaped with an
undisclosed amount of money.
Investigators were comparing images from surveillance cameras,
but from witness descriptions "it looks like the same lady," Detective Samuel
Costello said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman Finds Prom Dress 33
Years Later
Marlene Wyatt went to a second-hand store to buy a Halloween
costume last week. What she found could be just as scary. The prom dress she had
made 33 years ago.
"I thought, this material looks familiar," Wyatt said. "Then I
thought, `Surely not' and finally, `That's my dress!'"
Melissa Martin, proprietor of The Fashion Exchange, said she
knew something special had happened because of the look on Wyatt's
face.
"This is amazing," she said. "What are the odds of something
like this happening?"
Wyatt, from Yellville, sewed the white double-knit polyester
dress when she was in high school.
"We come from a large family, 12 kids," she said. "There were
five girls at home at the time, so sewing my own clothes was helpful, but I
always loved doing it." Wyatt said the dress has the one of the first invisible
zippers she ever sewed.
Martin opened The Fashion Exchange about a month ago. She
doesn't remember where she got the dress, which she had labeled "Way Retro" in
her inventory.
Wyatt now has it in her sewing room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Electrocuted Squirrel Starts Grass
Fire
An electric lineman believes a squirrel started a grass fire
Monday after the critter was electrocuted and fell from a power line onto
parched ground.
It's been more than a month since significant amounts of rain
have fallen in central Mississippi, though some showers were expected late
Monday. Burn bans are in effect in this Jackson suburb and many other nearby
communities.
Passing motorists saw a flash and heard a loud pop, then saw
ashes falling from the power line. The spark ignited a grassfire, which spread
to nearby pine trees and charred a fence. Byram volunteer firefighters responded
within minutes.
An Entergy lineman arrived as the flames were extinguished and
found the probable cause of the fire ??” the squirrel's charred body.
One of the motorists, Calvin Russell told Jackson's WLBT-TV:
"I'm a country boy, so I'm thinking dinner time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frenchman Rescued From Well After 5 Days
A French motorcylist has been rescued from a well, where he had
been trapped for five days following an accident in the eastern France region of
Moselle, rescue officials said Tuesday.
The 22-year-old man had been trapped under his motorized bicycle
in the five-feet-deep well since last Wednesday. He was spotted by a farmer from
his tractor on Monday. Rescuers took two hours to free him.
The semi-conscious man was taken to Sarrebourg's Saint Nicolas
Hospital, where rescue officials said he was in serious condition.
The young man's parents reported the disappearance to police on
Friday, two days after he went missing on his way to
work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
City tackles titillating mannequins
Police in northeastern Iran are launching a new morality drive
by confiscating alluring mannequins from boutiques and clothes stalls in the
bazaar, authorities in the city of Bojnourd said Monday.
A spokesman for the city's judiciary, who asked not be named,
explained the drive would tackle problems of "public chastity." He said 65
mannequins have been impounded so far.
He explained the crack-down on tailors' dummies was part of a
larger offensive against anti-social behavior such as vandalism and biker
gangs.
Bojnourd owes its traditional religious climate to the nearby
shrine city of Mashhad, a focal point of pilgrimage for the world's Shi'ite
Muslims.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Firefighters
rescue dogs from drain pipe
Associated
Press
DOYLESTOWN, Pa. - Two dogs stuck in a drainage pipe were
rescued over the weekend when workers dug a hole in the street and firefighters
used a hose full of air to push them out.
The dogs, believed to be American huskies, were freed late
Sunday afternoon after a 10-hour rescue effort. They emerged tired and a little
dehydrated and were taken to a shelter, said Michael Taylor, road master for
Buckingham.
The animals were discovered Saturday afternoon by two people
walking their dogs, but officials were stymied Saturday in their efforts to coax
the canines out.
Crews returned around 9 a.m. Sunday, and got the dogs out around
3:30 p.m.
Since the pipe was only about 15 inches in diameter, it was too
narrow for the dogs to turn around; they eventually were pushed backward with
the hose and pulled up through the street.
It wasn't clear how long the dogs had been stuck in the pipe,
Taylor said, but it's possible they entered through a storm water
basin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doomed Pig Flees Porky Fate
A 280-pound pig delayed, but couldn't derail, its
trip to a Bangor slaughterhouse when it bolted from a wooden trailer after its
owners had stopped at a red light.
The pig made its break for freedom
shortly before noon Monday and scampered down the road. Police were soon in
pursuit, following the brown-spotted pink sow through several yards before it
plopped down on the ground about a half hour after its leap from the
trailer.
"She was tired so she laid down," said Officer Daniel Owens.
"That's probably the most exercise she has had in her life."
Using a rope
and a flexible plastic backboard, police and firefighters tried to drag the pig
back to the trailer. The pig protested by curling its lips and letting out
piercing squeals that made bystanders wince.
"You just feel badly for the
poor thing," said neighbor Barbara Williams, who watched from a
distance.
With help from the pig's owners, who live in Bar Harbor, police
and firefighters were finally able to muscle the animal back onto the trailer,
where it laid down on a pile of dirt and crab apples and closed its
eyes.
The owners then jumped into the cab of the pickup truck and resumed
the trip to the slaughterhouse. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Body
Facts
Hiccups happen when the diaphragm, the muscle that
controls our breathing,
becomes irritated and start to spasm and contract
uncontrollably. With each
contraction, air is pulled into the lungs very
quickly, passes through the
voice box, and then the epiglottis closes behind
the rush of air, shaking
the vocal chords, causing the "hic" sound. The
irritation can be caused by
rapid eating, emotional stress and even some
diseases. The best cure?
Breathing into a paper bag. This calms the diaphragm
by increasing the
amount of carbon dioxide in your bloodstream.
~
The
length from your wrist to your elbow is the same as the length of
your
foot.
~
Your heart beats 101,000 times a day. During your lifetime
it will beat
about 3 billion times and pump about 400 million litres (800
million pints)
of blood.
~
Your mouth produces 1 litre (1.8 pints) of
saliva a day.
~
On average, people can hold their breath for one minute.
The world record is
seven-and-a-half minutes.
~
The human head contains
22 bones.
~
On average, you breathe 23,000 times a day.
On average, you
speak almost 5,000 words a day - although almost 80% of
speaking is self-talk
(talking to yourself).
~
Einstein's brain was of average size (1375 grams
- 49oz).
~
Over the last 150 years the average height of people in
industrialized
nations increased by 10 cm (4 in).
~
In the 19th
century, American men were the tallest in the world, averaging 1
71m (5'6").
Today, the average height for American men is 1,75m (5'7"),
compared to 1,77
(5'8") for Swedes, and 1,78 (5'8.5") for the Dutch.
The tallest nation in the
world is the Watusis of Burundi.
~
If the amount of water in your body is
reduced by just 1%, you'll feel
thirsty.
~
Hippocrates, the Father of
Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge
her bust line by singing
loudly and often.
~
A person can live without food for about a month, but
only about a week
without water.
~
You'll drink about 75,000 litres
(20,000 gallons) of water in your lifetime.
~
After a certain period of
growth, hair becomes dormant. That means that it
is attached to the hair
follicle until replaced by new hair.
~
Hair on the head grows for between
two and six years before being replaced.
~
In the case of baldness, the
dormant hair was not replaced with new hair.
~
Men loose about 40 hairs a
day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.
~
In the Middle Ages the length
from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow
was called an ell.
~
A
person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated.
~
The
first human sex change took place in 1950 when Danish doctor
Christian
Hamburger operated on New Yorker George Jargensen, who became
Christine Jargensen.
**** Links ****
R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero!
http://www.eddicts.com/
Betty Jo w/The New Pastor
http://bettyjomings.truepath.com/new_pastor.htm
**** ON THIS DAY
****
"THE REALISTIC MIRACLE DIET"
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1
slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. low fat or skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz lean broiled chicken
breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1
Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
Rest of Oreos in
pack
2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce,
nuts, cherries, whipped cream.
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread with
cheese
Large sausage and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large
pitcher diet soda
3 Milky Way candy bars
Late Evening Snack:
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake
eaten directly from freezer.
"RULES FOR THIS DIET"
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat
it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the
calories in the candy bar
are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't
count as long as you
don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts,
such as hot chocolate,
toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up the people around you, then
you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have additional
calories because they are
part of the entire entertainment package and are
not part of one's
personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,
Junior
Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The
process of breaking cookies
causes caloric leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no
calories if you are in
the process of preparing something. (Examples are
peanut butter on a knife
while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon
while making a sundae.)
9. Foods that have the same color have the same
number of calories. For
instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream,
cauliflower and whipped cream.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may
be used in place of
any other food.
This is my kinda
diet-Jb
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
From Glenda:
"Oil Pie Crust"
This is for all who want an easy and flaky
pastry.
Single Crust:
1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour (I
use White Lily)
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup oil (I use Crisco Canola)
3
tablespoons cold milk
Double Crust:
2 cups flour
1
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup oil
1/4 cup cold
milk
Instructions:
Mix flour and salt. Pour milk
and oil together, but don't stir. Add milk and oil all at once to flour
and salt, and mix well with fork. Press into a smooth ball. Place
ball onto waxed paper (one at a time, if making double crust), cover with
another sheet of waxed paper, then roll out to desired size, 8" or 9" and place
into pan by removing the top sheet of paper and lifting bottom sheet gently,
placing upside down into pan. Peel waxed paper off and patch any tears
that may be there without adding any more liquid. Finish by fluting or
whatever you like to do to make crust look good. If crust is to be baked
first, bake at 475 for 8-10 minutes. Cool before adding filling. If
doing a fruit pie or something similar, fill crust first, then roll out top
crust and place it gently on top of the filling. If doing a lattice crust,
just remove the slices from waxed paper with a table knife and arrange on top of
filling. To cook, follow the instructions in your pie
recipe.
I have used this recipe for decades, and my family always
ask me to make extra crust so they can just eat it plain! I hope you all
enjoy it as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Baked Potato Pancakes"
Ingredients:
2 large baking potatoes, peeled & shredded
Salt
1/4 cup grated Parmesan or Romano cheese ??“ (I have used non
fat cheeses).
1 large egg white
Chopped parsley
Directions:
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. In medium bowl,
mix shredded potatoes with 3/4 teaspoon salt. Place shredded potatoes between
several layers of paper towels & press out as much liquid as possible.
Return shredded potatoes to bowl; add grated parmesan cheese, egg white & ??
cup chopped parsley.
Spray jelly- roll pan, (I??™ve used a cookie sheet), generously
with non-stick cooking spray. Shape potato mixture into 8 mounds in pan; press
into 3 inch pancakes.
Bake the pancakes 12 to 15 minutes.
Turn with pancake turner & bake 12 minutes longer until
pancakes are golden brown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Blackberry Cream
Pie"
Ingredients:
4 Cups Berries
2/3 Cup sugar
4 Tablespoons flour
1/4 teaspoon
salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 can carnation or milnot milk( regular size)
1 - 9 inch pie shell
Directions:
Mix all ingredients in bowl,
pour into pie shell and bake at 375 to 400 for 45 min to 1 hour pie will puff in
center when done, like a pecan pie.
If using frozen berries, thaw and drain
all juice before mixing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DOUBLE BAKED SWEET
POTATOES
INGREDIENTS:
6 sweet
potatoes (medium sized)
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
8 ounces softened cream cheese
1/3 cup brown
sugar
4 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon vanilla
extract
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon
pepper
1/3 cup chopped walnuts
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Rub skins with
oil wrap each
in aluminum foil. Bake in preheated oven for 1
hour, or
until soft when poked in the center. In a large bowl
combine
cream cheese, brown sugar, butter, vanilla, salt and
pepper.
Slice each baked potato in half lengthwise and scoop
flesh
into the creamy mixture. Caution they will be very hot
so
this works best using a clean towel to hold the
potato.
Mix well and fold in walnuts. Spoon mixture evenly
back
into each potato skin and bake for about 10-15 minutes
more
at 350 degrees just to heat through.
Yield: 12
Servings
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
Where did the peace sign
originate?
![]() Since we're not quite sure if you refer to the
actual peace sign or the peace symbol (we know people who use 'peace sign'
interchangeably), we're including answers for both.
The peace sign: U.S.
President Richard Nixon used the 'Victory Sign'(a hand
gesture in which the first and second fingers are raised and parted, whilst the
remaining fingers are clenched) during the Vietnam War to connotate victory, an
act which became one of his best-known trademarks. The victory sign was
appropriated by the anti-war protesters as a peace gesture, thus becoming the
'peace sign.'
The peace symbol: The peace symbol was
designed and completed February 21, 1958 by Gerald Holtom, a commercial designer
and artist in Britain. He had been commissioned by the Campaign for Nuclear
Disarmament to design a symbol for use at an Easter march to Canterbury
Cathedral in protest against the Atomic Weapons Research Establishment at
Aldermaston in England.
The symbol itself is a combination of the
semaphore signals for the letters "N" and "D", standing for Nuclear Disarmament.
In semaphore the letter "N" is formed by a person holding two flags in an
upside-down "V", and the letter "D" is formed by holding one flag pointed
straight up and the other pointed straight down. These two signals imposed over
each other form the shape of the peace symbol. In the original design the lines
widened at the edge of the circle.
A conscientious objector who had
worked on a farm in Norfolk during the Second World War, Holtom later wrote to
Hugh Brock, editor of Peace News, explaining the genesis of his idea in greater
depth: "I was in despair. Deep despair. I drew myself: the representative of an
individual in despair, with hands palm outstretched outwards and downwards in
the manner of Goya??™s peasant before the firing squad. I formalized the drawing
into a line and put a circle round it."
The fact that symbol resembles a
bird's foot in a circle gave rise to alternative interpretations, ranging from
plain mockery of "crow's foot" and "American Chicken" (a right wing hint that
peace is for cowards) to a number of occult meanings from conspiracy theorists,
since a crow or a raven is a gloomy bird in various mythologies.
The
far-right John Birch Society has referred to it as a "broken cross" ??“ accusing
the peace movement of repudiating Christ. It has also been called a relative of
the Nazi swastika ??“ or the rune algiz inverted, said to mean "hidden danger". It
resembles the rune calc
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
The coldest weather of the
season settles in. Skies will clear Wednesday
night and temperatures will
drop to around 20. Thursday will bring
sunshine and still cold with highs in
the upper 30`s. The wind will
shift and come out of the south on Friday
allowing us to warm at bit
with highs in the mid 40`s. The weekend and the
start of next week will
remain dry and cool with highs in the
40`s.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
It will be a cold
winter if the breastbone of a freshly cooked turkey is
dark purple.
Wednesday Night
Clear and Cold
Low 20
Thursday
Mostly
Sunny and Cold
High 38
Thursday Night
Partly Cloudy and
Cold
Low 20
Friday
Partly Sunny
High 45
Low 20
Saturday
Partly Sunny
High 48
Low 28
Sunday
Partly
Sunny
High 45
Low 32
Monday
Partly Sunny
High 50
Low 28
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 44
Low 28
Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 40
Low 28
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
You really have
insomnia if you can't sleep when it's time to get
up.
TOON TIME
Geese
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22249.htm
Mole Removal
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22251.htm
Lift!
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22250.htm
Geese
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22249.htm
Your loan....
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1244.html
Wrinkle Machine
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/014.htm
First The Gays..
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22248.htm
When Do You Plan On Moving Out
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/v46.htm
Stinky Burger
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22247.htm
Somersault
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1245.html
What Really Happened To Dorothy
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/013.htm
todays meditation
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/kay4grate.html
hey doc?...
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/kay5grate.html
Lobster Mobile
http://www.buffaloschips.com/2230518.htm
Bad Shot
http://www.buffaloschips.com/2230519.htm
Booster Seat
http://www.buffaloschips.com/2230520.htm
LAST
CALL Y'ALL
Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all
excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding.On
the way, they go past a drugstore and Jacob suggests
that they go in.
Jacob: Are you the
owner?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Jacob: Do you sell heart
medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about
medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob:
Medicine for rheumatism?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How
about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for
memory?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: How
about vitamins & sleeping pills?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob
turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register
our wedding
gift list with them!"
That's all
folks!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
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n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
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