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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember
It is easier to
get older than it is to get wiser.
FRIDAY NOVEMBER 18,2005
TGIF
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but
it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and
made me hungry
You Might Be A Redneck
If:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever
re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all say
Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to
eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman calls
an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-
ounce water pump.
"A what?" says the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs
a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of
car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."
As the
parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump"
the light in
his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got
28-ounce water pumps.
We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water
pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called
that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.
That's
because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's
our job to
have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water
pump," he says,
smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up,
Datsun 280Z water
pump, part number...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Al and
Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of
morning coffee listening
to the weather report coming over
the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of
snow today and
a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your
cars
on the odd numbered side of the streets." Al got up from his
coffee
and said, "Well, okay."
Two days later, they were again sitting down with
their cups
of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will
be
2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
declared. You must
park your cars on the even numbered side
of the streets." Al got up from his
coffee and said, "Well,
okay."
Three days later, they were drinking
their coffee and the
weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of
snow
today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park
your cars
on the..." and then the power went out and Al didn't
get the rest of the
instructions. He said to Tipper, "What am
I going to do now, Tipper?" Tipper
replied, "Oh, Al, just leave
the car in the
garage."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kids are cute, babies are cute,
puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so
that we would want to take care of our young. Tricked us. Then gradually they
get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says. "You
know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own
apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out
things, and can be your eyes if you're blind. Could you imagine a seeing-eye
cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, and you're
history
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I put some turnip, his
least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year- old son's dinner plate and
instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip. I
pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left
with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal. Thoughtfully, he replied, "I
guess I was just trying to delay the
inedible."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A parent came to our school
office to speak to the principal. Advised he was away for a few days, she asked,
"Then may I speak to whomever will be covering up for
him?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an
elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old
man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims
tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these
days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then,
it will be your hole!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Religion shouldn't separate
people. We all end up the same; we just get there in different ways. Some
are born with guilt. Catholics have to go learn it in
school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just call me toasty
I taught Sunday school for
two years and I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like
this: "Okay, if one more person talks, everybody is going to hell." I used to
keep a list up on the board of who was going to
burn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When it came to spankings, my dad never
used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In my
mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my own toys...' Thank God I
didn't get that wood burning set I wanted." --Scott Wood
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Baptist preacher and his
wife decided they needed a dog. Ever
mindful of the congregation, they knew
the dog must also be
Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained
their
needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for
them.
The dog was produced and the manager said "Fetch the Bible."
The dog bounded
to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located
the Bible, and brought it to
the manager. The manager then said
"Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing
marvelous dexterity with his
paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct
passage, and
pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple
purchased
the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit.
The
preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him
locate
several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one
man
asked "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said
the
preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The
dog
immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the
preacher's forehead
and began to howl. The preacher turned to his
wife and exclaimed "Good grief,
we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking
home from the pub, this guy hears a "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand
with this pig
would you?"
"Sure", said the guy, "what are you planning on doing with
it?"
"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath-tub."
"Why
the heck do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"
"Well, you see, it's
my wife. She is one of those women who knows
EVERYTHING!. I tell her that the
price of petrol has shot up again..she
says I know! I tell her there is more
trouble in the East again ... she
says I know! I tell her Francis down the
road is ill in hospital and she
knows that too. Well, tomorrow morning ...
she always gets up before me
...
and when she to me runs screaming THERE'S
A DEAD PIG IN THE BATH!,
THERE'S A
DEAD PIG IN BATH! ... I'll just turn to
her and say Yeah, I know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day at work I ran
into Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney" he
said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
I was stunned. "Why? What
happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we
got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking,
smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me
how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how
to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she
spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter.
Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One man tells of sitting next to a "wise" woman on a flight to Florida.
He was preparing his notes for one of the parent- education seminars he
conducted as an educational psychologist.
Bessie, an older woman sitting
next to him, explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two
weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in
Boston.
Then she inquired what he did for a living. The man explained
that he was a doctor psychologist specializing in children. He dreaded telling
her this, as he fully expected her to question him for free professional advice
during the three-hour flight.
Instead, she sat back, picked up a magazine
and said, "So doctor, if there's anything you want to know, just ask
me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A visiting speaker was impressed
by the enthusiasm our Christian school students showed in their physical
education class. "I exercise, too," he sighed, faintly smiling at our pastor.
"Every morning I awaken to the alarm, jump from bed, and run around the block
six times."
As our pastor expressed surprise and offered hearty praise,
the man continued, "Then I kick the block under the bed and go back to
sleep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had posted signs early Saturday
morning in our neighborhood advertising our garage sale, and even though it was
raining, my sister and I were disappointed later when we had very few customers.
As I went to take the signs down, I discovered why: My five-year-old nephew had
given me one of his "washable" markers to use, and the rain had washed away our
address.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nose bleed section
"The crew on the
space station were able to watch the big
Paul McCartney concert.
They are 250 miles up. And you
thought your seats sucked! They
still had to pay $50 a
ticket!" --Jay
Leno
****
Quickies ****
The
fellow who is head and shoulders above the rest is sure to be sitting in front
of you in a movie theater.
~
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was
rereading it. It said: "Day one: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody
talks to me like I'm an idiot."
~
A sign posted on
the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food -
Food will win the
war."
Beneath someone had written, That's fine, but how do we get
the
enemy to eat it?
~
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ..
mighty scarce." (Mark Twain)
~
When they first manufactured golf balls, they made
the covers smooth. Then it was discovered that after a ball had been roughed up
one could get more distance out of it. So they started manufacturing them with
dimpled covers. So it is with life; it takes some rough spots in your life to
make you go your farthest.
~
"Don't invest all your
money in just one or two stocks.
That's the danger. I know a man who put all
his money in just
two stocks, a paper-towel company and a revolving-door
outfit.
He was wiped out before he could turn around."-Dave
Astor
~
"All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no
attention to criticism." - North DeKalb
~
My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain.
I have
half a mind to sue her.
~
Why does a slight tax
increase cost you two hundred dollars,
and a substantial tax cut save you
thirty cents?
~
A woman walks in
a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband
a
week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm
returning these glasses I bought for my husband.
He's still not seeing things
my way."
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Burglar tries to
hide in oven
Associated Press
FERGUS FALLS, Minn. - A former employee who
attempted to burglarize a restaurant apparently didn't know any good hiding
places. Police responded to a burglary alarm at the Speedway Restaurant early
Monday and surrounded the building. When officers entered, they discovered that
the burglar had tried to hide in the ceiling. He fell through and tried hiding
in an oven instead. "The guy was only half-baked when he was picked up," joked
Police Capt. Hugo McPhee. The 43-year-old man was taken to the Otter Tail County
Jail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spry Critter Springs On Woman,
Son(AP) An elderly Pontotoc County, Mississippi,
woman received 20 stitches after being attacked and repeatedly bitten by a
kinkajou, a raccoon-like pet that had escaped from a home five miles
away.
Sadie Hester, 82, said she heard her dogs barking and fighting with
something on the front porch Friday night.
"I went out there Saturday
morning about 8 to clean up the porch because they'd torn everything up," she
said. "I thought whatever it was, was gone. I never saw him."
Hester said
as she started sweeping, the kinkajou jumped on her and wrapped his tail around
her arm.
"He kept biting my hands because I was trying to pry his teeth
out of my hands," she said. "I just kept trying to get him off, and he tore up
my left arm pretty bad."
Hester got 16 stitches in her left arm and four
in her right hand. She also received several bites that did not require
stitches.
Sheriff Leo Mask said Hester's son captured the animal, tied it
up and took it to the hospital. It was taken to a veterinarian's office to be
observed for rabies.
The son also was bitten but was not seriously
injured.
Although it resembles a monkey and is often referred to as the
"night monkey," the kinkajou is kin to the raccoon. Kinkajous usually weigh 4 to
8 pounds and range in color from cream to dark brown.
The kinkajou is a
tree dweller, a native of the tropical rainforest zone of Central and South
America.
Despite rumors that other kinkajous are loose in the area, Mask
said his department is aware only of the one.
Authorities are unsure if
the animal's owner will face charges in the attack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
British film cut short as
Cypriot children see nudity
An organised school trip to the cinema was cut short after
Cypriot children, some as young as 12, were exposed to nudity and sex scenes in
the British comedy "Love Actually".
The Nicosia school visit involved 150 pupils who were taken to
see the film after it had been approved by both teachers and the student
council, reported Simerini newspaper on Wednesday.
Thirty minutes from the end the screening was interrupted after
some people in the audience objected to the sight of a topless woman during a
sex scene.
The headmistress admitted the choice of film was a mistake and
that the teachers should have known better.
The film had a category two rating -- deemed only suitable for
people aged 15 and over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bush-on-wheels gives Segway to
grounded Japan PM
US President George W. Bush is so excited about Segway that he
has taken the 21st-century scooter halfway across the world, giving one to
Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.
For the first summit of his week-long tour of Asia, Bush
surprised Koizumi by showing up on the two-wheeled human transporter outside the
formal guesthouse in the ancient Japanese city of Kyoto, a Japanese official
said.
Bush, who was caught on camera in 2003 falling off a Segway,
encouraged his close political ally to take it for a ride. The Japanese leader
agreed and moved on it for about one meter (yard).
"Oh, very good," Koizumi said before stepping off and walking
with Bush into the guesthouse.
The Segway, which went on sale in the United States in March
2002, is purported to be able to revolutionize transport by using gyroscopes,
computers and electric motors to cruise to 19 kilometers (12 miles) per
hour.
But Segway has not made a splash in Japan, which bans its use on
public streets.
"Maybe the prime minister will use it to walk from
his living quarters to the office building," which are on the same property,
joked a senior foreign ministry
official.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kimchi ceasefire heralds fiery
surprise for world leaders
Asia Pacific leaders are set to tickle their tastebuds at a
royal banquet with the fiery taste of kimchi washed down by goblets of mushroom
wine.
There were fears that kimchi, South Korea's famously spicy
garlic-drenched pickled vegetables, could be struck off the menu of Friday's
banquet because of a trade row between China and the host nation.
But some high-level diplomacy brokered a truce, and officials
confirmed on Wednesday that leaders of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation
(APEC) forum would be served the national dish.
"Kimchi is a symbol of Korea, so of course it was one of the
first dishes that we put on the menu," said an official involved in drawing up
the menu.
Kimchi was set to become a diplomatic headache after South Korea
said in October that parasite eggs had been found in kimchi imported from
China.
China struck back by saying it too had found parasites in
products imported from South Korea, setting the stage for a spicy
showdown.
However the issue was put to bed by the two countries' foreign
ministers in a meeting on Tuesday in which they agreed it would not be allowed
to hinder relations.
Kimchi is usually a side dish of vegetables such as cabbage or
radish and can encompass 200 varieties, said Park Soon Ae, from the Institute of
Traditional Korean Food.
"We make the kimchi and we bury it in the earth for a long time
because that is how it is fermented," said Park.
APEC leaders will reportedly also sample modern versions of
royal court food eaten by Korea's kings, and they will be served Korea's
traditional mushroom wine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
House to hold APEC leaders...
at 10 million dollars an hour
Costing nearly 10 million dollars for each hour
APEC leaders will meet there, South Korea's newest convention hall is said to be
capable of withstanding bombs, earthquakes and even a tsunami.
Named Nurimaru meaning "top of the world", the
iconic dome aiming to be a haven of tranquility for visiting dignitaries rests
on 12 pillars and is nestled on the tip of a rocky islet off the coast of Busan
port.
Companies in South Korea designed and built the 19
million dollar glass and steel structure in a year to house the 21 Asia-Pacific
Economic Cooperation (APEC) leaders, although they only meet there for two hours
on Friday.
Secrecy has surrounded the preparations for
Nurimaru, with Busan city officials saying even they are not allowed to approach
the house without special identification.
"Even people working for APEC cannot go there
easily," said one official.
APEC leaders, including US President George W.
Bush, Chinese President Hu Jintao and Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi,
will spend five hours in total at Nurimaru.
In a more informal retreat session, leaders will be
able to kick back and gather their thoughts while gazing out at expansive sea
views and contemplating traditional Korean interior motifs and
designs.
They will also be able to do so in complete safety,
organisers of the project say. The circular roof, modelled on a traditional
Korean pavilion, is covered with titanium-coated steel, built to withstand the
heaviest of storms.
A web of security cameras, metal detectors, beam
sensors and bullet-proof screens will reinforce security in the three-storey,
3,000 square-metre (32,300 square-foot) building.
No-fly and no-vessel zones have also been declared
within a seven-kilometre (4.4-mile) radius of the house, which will be
surrounded by armed guards.
"It is prepared for any earthquake or bombs or even
tsunamis," a Busan city official in charge of Nurimaru, who requested anonymity,
told AFP.
The building houses a conference hall, a dining
room and reception, as well as a media centre.
A six-metre (19.7-foot) painting on the third floor
represents 12 elements that traditionally signify longevity in Korean culture,
such as the sun, a mountain, a rock, water, a peach and bamboo.
Twenty-one sculptures representing each of the APEC
economies stand in the Nurimaru's gardens. The figures include an eagle for the
United States, a koala bear for Australia, and bamboo for China.
Once APEC is over, Nurimaru house, funded from
Busan's coffers, will be open to the public for two days after the summit, and
serve as a memorial hall to the event until March.
It will then be available for conferences, but
nobody has made bookings yet, Busan city officials have said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can't fight here, this is a boxing dinner!
Perhaps inspired by the presence of the "baddest man on the
planet" in their midst, guests at a British boxing dinner for Mike Tyson
launched into a mass punch-up.
Police said they were called to a "large fight" at the Heritage
Hotel in Derby, central England, where Tyson had appeared to launch a four-date
promotional tour of Britain.
Among the guests at the "black tie" function Tuesday night,
where tickets cost 127 pounds a head, was former British heavyweight champion
Frank Bruno.
"Police received an emergency call notifying them of a large
fight taking place inside the hotel," a Derbyshire police spokeswoman
said.
Officers found no actual brawling when they arrived but
discovered four people had suffered minor injuries. One was taken to hospital
after being hit on the head with a champagne bottle but he was later
discharged.
Police said all the speakers at the function, including former
world heavyweight champion Tyson, had left the hotel when the brawl erupted
among some of the spectators.
"It seemed to be people who fancied a fight," the police
spokeswoman said.
There were no arrests.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pastor Camps on Church Roof for
Turkeys
A pastor said he will camp on his church's roof until he collects 500 donated
turkeys for needy families. Pastor David Martin of the Pitcairn Assembly of God
has been on the roof, camping in a tent, since Monday.
"Some people think I'm a little crazy for doing this. They think I'm out of
my mind," Martin said. "Other people say if it succeeds in collecting the
turkeys, it's been worthwhile."
Martin got the idea this summer as a way to do some community service.
Martin said he'll stay until he gets 500 turkeys or until Friday, whichever
comes first. As of midday Wednesday, more than 200 turkeys had been
donated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dog Stuck in Sinkhole for 16 Days Rescued
Trapped for 16 days down a 70-foot-sinkhole, a dog named Buck will live to
hunt another day after being rescued by rangers near the Great Smoky Mountains
National Park.
"The dog was emaciated and had some bruising, but was able to walk around,"
Ranger Rick Brown said after spending several hours Tuesday rigging up ropes and
rappelling down the hole to lift the 2 1/2-year-old blond Mountain Cur to the
surface.
"Aside from being emaciated, exhausted and sore, the dog appeared to be in
pretty good shape," Brown said.
The dog, a medium-sized breed common with the pioneers ??” the book "Old
Yeller" was about a Mountain Cur but played by a yellow Labrador in the movie ??”
was recovering at a veterinarian's office, Smokies spokesman Bob Miller said
Wednesday.
Hikers at a backcountry campsite off the Ace Gap Trail in the park reported
hearing a dog barking on Monday and tracked the sound to a 30-by-40-foot ground
hole about 300 yards away.
A builder working on a nearby house was able to get close enough to the edge
to see the dog about 40 feet down, but couldn't reach him. That evening, park
rangers were called to the sinkhole but they couldn't hear the dog.
Brown and three other rangers returned around 10 a.m. Tuesday. Brown climbed
40 feet down to a landing, but there was no sign of the dog. Using a light, he
found a small opening and a second dropoff.
Peering through, he saw the dog lying at the bottom, another 30 feet down.
When he called out, the dog stood up and looked at him. Using a makeshift
harness, the rangers lifted the dog out of the cave around 3 p.m.
Buck wore a radio collar and a tag identifying his owner, a Townsend man who
lost track of the dog while hunting raccoons 16 days before. The owner was "very
appreciative" to get Buck back, Miller said.
The park doesn't plan to send him a bill for the recovery.
"Sometimes you have to be a good neighbor, and rescuing a dog falls into that
category," Miller said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cops: Gunman Robs Eatery Twice in One
Day
The same gunman robbed a restaurant twice in one day, Greenville police say.
The robber came into the First Wok restaurant around 11:30 a.m. Monday, pointing
a gun at an employee and demanding money, according to a police report.
The owner, Yu Guan, chased the gunman in his car, but stopped when the robber
flashed the gun again, police said.
Nine hours later, what appeared to be the same man in different clothes came
into the restaurant with a similar gun and again robbed the restaurant, police
spokesman Lt. Mike Gambrell said.
Guan said his restaurant has been robbed four times since
February.
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine."
**** HEALTH NEWS
****
TELLING A COLD FROM THE
FLU
As flu season begins in the United States, many
are confused
about the difference between a cold and flu. Dr.
Seth
Feltheimer of NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia says
a
cold is usually an upper respiratory tract infection
with
sore throat, head congestion, sinus pain, and low-grade
fever
that lasts two to three days. The flu has a higher fever,
a
sore throat, a cough, and body aches and can take a week
or
longer and can lead to serious complications, especially
for
high-risk individuals like asthmatics and the elderly.
The
best way to prevent a cold is to wash hands frequently
and
avoid people with colds -- they are transmitted by
touching
something that an infected person has touched, or by
breathing
droplets emitted by an infected person. In any event,
a cold
or flu is a virus, and, therefore, cannot be treated
with
antibiotics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gene may trigger race-medicine debate
REYKJAVIK, Iceland, -- An Icelandic company says it has
discovered a version of a gene that indicates an increased
risk of heart attack in African-Americans.
DeCode
Genetics said it first found the variant gene among
Icelanders
and then found it among Americans in three
cities: Philadelphia,
Cleveland and Atlanta.
Among Americans of European ancestry,
the variant is quite
common, but it indicates an increased risk
of heart attack
in about 16 percent, while it indicates an
increases risk
for African-Americans by more than 250 percent,
reported
The New York Times Friday.
Last
year, a drug that inhibits a different but closely
related gene
evoked mixed reactions after it was shown to
sharply reduce
heart attacks among African-Americans, but
failed to show
efficacy in the general population. The
drug prompted objections
that race-based medicine was the
wrong approach in
medicine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bone
Marrow Cells Regenerate Heart Muscle
NEW YORK
- Bone marrow cells (BMCs) transplanted into dam-
aged areas of
the heart reduce the amount of damage and
improve heart
performance, physicians in Germany report.
Previous studies
have suggested that BMCs may regenerate
damaged heart muscle
when given soon after a heart attack.
However, this is the first
study to examine the cells'
potential in hearts damaged further
in the past.
Dr. Bodo E. Strauer and colleagues at
Heinrich-Heine-
University in Dusseldorf recruited 18 patients
who had
experienced a heart attack on average 27 months
before.
The patients' own BMCs retrieved the day before
were
infused into the damaged heart muscle.
According to the team's report in the Journal of the
American College of Cardiology, there were no complica-
tions of the procedure during follow-up.
Three months
later, the size of the damaged area of the
heart was reduced by
30 percent and heart pumping ability
improved
considerably.
A comparison group of 18 patients with similar
heart
troubles who weren't given BMCs showed no
significant
changes in damage size or pumping ability
during
follow-up.
These findings strongly
support "regeneration of (muscle
cells) as the basis for the
improvement in function,"
Dr. Roberto Bolli and colleagues at
the University of
Louisville in Kentucky indicate in a related
editorial.
The most plausible mechanisms for the
improvement, they
say, are the differentiation of BMCs into
heart muscle
cells, or activation of nearby cells that have
the
potential to become heart muscle cells.
Bolli's group concludes: "If cardiac regeneration is
indeed possible, the stem cell revolution will prove
to be
one of the most significant, if not the most
significant,
conceptual and therapeutic advances in
cardiovascular
medicine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sleep Pills May Do More Harm
Than Good in Elderly
NEW YORK - While
sedative drugs, such as Restoril and Ambien,
may improve sleep
in older people with insomnia, the risks
of such therapy may
outweigh the benefits, according to
investigators in
Canada.
The findings are based on a review of 24 trials that
includ-
ed 2417 subjects aged 60 or older who were treated with
so-
called sedative hypnotic pills or inactive placebo pills
for
insomnia. The subjects received the assigned pills for
at
least five consecutive nights.
Compared
with placebo, sedative use was associated with
statistically
significant improvements in sleep quality,
total sleep time, and
the number of nighttime awakenings,
Dr. Usoa Busto, from the
Centre for Addiction and Mental
Health in Toronto, and
colleagues note. However, the
actual improvements were modest in
scope.
Several adverse effects were more common with
sedative
hypnotics than with placebo, Busto's group reports in
the
British Medical Journal. Sedative use greatly
increased
the odds of thinking difficulties and daytime
fatigue.
The likelihood of an untoward event was even
greater in
subjects who were at high risk for falls or mental
impair-
ments, the report indicates.
"Although the improvements in sleep variables obtained
from prescription hypnotics are statistically significant
..
the clinical benefits may be modest at best," the
authors
conclude. Behavioral therapies may be a better
option for older
people with insomnia, they add.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Cool Links ****
Brenda
w/Code Blue
http://www.sassy4daze.com/Poetry2/Poem122.html
Rouse Simmons Ship
http://voyage.pierwisconsin.org/classroom/topics/rouse_simmons.php
B-24 Best Web Liberator Bomber EXTREME (over 4000 PICs!!)
http://www.b24bestweb.com/
**** ON THIS DAY ****
A
man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared.
He sat
and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to
force its body
through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making
any progress. It
appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it
could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors
and
snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then
emerged
easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The
man
continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at
any
moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support
the
body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact,
the
butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen
body
and shriveled wings It never was able to fly.
What the man, in
his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the
restricting cocoon
and the struggle required for the butterfly to get
through the tiny opening
were God's way of forcing fluid from the body
of the butterfly into its wings
so that it would be ready for flight
once it achieved its freedom from the
cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If
God
allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it
would
cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.
We
could never fly!
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a
link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a
link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
****COUNTRY CALANDER ****
1919 Earl A. Bolick, singer and guitarist for the Blue Sky
Boys, born in Hickory, N.C.
1938 Songwriter Troy Seals
born in Big Hill, Kentucky
1949 Songwriter and musician
Larry Cordle ("Murder on Music
Row") born in Cordell,
Kentucky
1951 Carl Smith's recording of "Let
Old Mother Nature Have
Her Way" charted
1955
Johnny Cash makes his chart debut, with "Cry, Cry, Cry"
1991 Garth Brooks' "Shameless" became his seventh #1
hit
1980 Frank Luther, co-writer of "Barnacle
Bill the Sailor,"
died at the age of 75
1993
Banjo player Joe Medford, who worked with Charlie
Monroe and Mac
Wiseman, died
1998 J. D. Sumner, influential bass singer of
the gospel
group the Blackwood Brothers, died at age 73 in
Nashville
1954 Faron Young officially released
from the U. S. Army
1986 Last performance by
Bob Will's Texas Playboys at the
Will Rogers Auditorium in Ft.
Worth, Texas
2000 The first live music was performed inside
the new
Country Music Hall of Fame building by Mark McGuinn,
Bill
Davidson, and Brian Pruett. The trio did two songs for
a
group of travel writers being shown through the
new
attraction
1956 Elvis
Presley's first film, "Love Me Tender," premiered
in New York
City
1994 Dwight Yoakam's album "Just Lookin'
for a Hit" went
platinum
1995 George
Strait's album "Strait Out of the Box" went
platinum
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
"Fajitas"
Ingredients:
1 pound chicken breast,
cut in stripes.
1 pound beef meat, cut in stripes.
1 tablespoon chicken
stock powder, if you can get it.
1 cup olive oil
4 medium onions cut in
rings
4 sweet green peppers, cleaned and cut in rings or stripes.
16-20
mushrooms, sliced.
2 tablespoons meat juice.
Directions:
NOTE:
This is a general recipe for fajitas and
mixes beef with chicken, but you can use either one of them on its
own.
Marinate chicken and beef in olive oil and chicken
powder, for at least 1 hour. Put half the marinating oil in a thick pan, saut?©
onion and green pepper. Add meats, mushrooms and meat juice. Cook at medium heat
until all meat is done. Serve with beans and tortillas.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
How can a bullet be traced to a particular
gun?
![]() In mass-produced
guns, different makes and models have standardizing characteristics. Since the
18th century, guns have been made with internal helical
grooves cut into the barrels that are similar to the threads of a screw. They
form "lands," or metal ridges between the grooves. The lands grip the bullet and
give it accuracy, range and spin.
The interior part of a gun barrel is
the bore, and the caliber of a bullet is determined by the bore's diameter,
expressed in hundredths of an inch or in millimeters. As already noted above,
when a bullet travels through a gun barrel, the bullet's metal gets worn in a
unique pattern by the harder metal of the barrel. Any bullet fired from a
specific gun will show the same marks, unless there's been some intentional
alteration between firings.
So, when a suspect is found a his gun is
analyzed, forensic technicians will fire some rounds of ammo against a body of
water or gel (any soft resistance substance) that will not smash the bullet, and
will let them compare the "tunnel engravings" on these lab- fired bullets with
the ones found on a crime scene. You can say that this gun tunnel marks are like
finger-prints.
or watch CSI or NCIS
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
A clear and
cold night for Thursday night as lows drop into the 15-18
range. Friday will
be a little warmer with a south wind as highs climb
to about 40. Saturday
warms just a bit more with partly sunny skies and
a high in the upper 40`s.
A fairly weak cold front will knock
temperatures back a few degrees on
Sunday. It warms back to near 50 by
next Monday but another stronger cold
front drops it back into the 30`s
for highs by Thanksgiving.
--
Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
Tight hulls on walnuts are a sign of a
cold winter.
Thursday Night
Clear and Cold
Low 17
Friday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 40
Friday Night
Fair
Low 25
Saturday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 48
Low 25
Sunday
Partly
Sunny
HIgh 45
Low 32
Monday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 50
Low 32
Tuesday
Mostly Cloudy
High 42
Low 28
Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 39
Low 28
Thanksgiving
Mostly
Cloudy
High 36
Low 28
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
A fool and his money are
soon parted, especially if the government gets involved to speed up the
process.
TOON
TIME
Private Tuition
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22257.htm
hmm?
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22255.htm
Yummy
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22256.htm
Speed Maniac
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1249.html
Where Do Babies Come From?
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/016.htm
Wanted
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22254.htm
I
Beat Anorexia
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22253.htm
Im
Sorry
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22252.htm
Adult
Dog Store
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1250.html
Priorities
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/015.htm
LAST
CALL Y'ALL
A little boy was sitting on the curb with
his hands cupped
together shaking them and peeking inside. Another little
boy
saw this as he was walking by and was so curious, he just HAD
to know
what the first boy had.
He asked, "What ya got there?"
The boy on
the curb still shaking and peeking inside his
cupped hands said, "I got Smart
Pills."
"Smart Pills? I don't believe ya...show me how they
work."
"OK," said the boy on the curb, "I had enough Smart
Pills
today, so ya'll can have the rest," and hands them over.
The 2nd
boy takes one Smart Pill, then another, then another
and says, "Hey, I ate
almost all of the Smart Pills an I don't
feel any different, you a liar! I'm
leavin' and those Smart
Pills or whatever they are taste like Rabbit
turds!"
The 1st Boy says, "See, I told you they were smart
pills...
you're getting smarter already!"
That's all
folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
equal opportunity target here.
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or
give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.
Our
features are intended to be for entertainment only.
Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
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GOD BLESS AMERICA
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Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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