Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

MONDAY NOVEMBER 21,2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Love is blind
and it's not too bright, either.


Wife: "I mended that hole in your pocket last night after
you'd gone to bed, dear. Now, I ask you, am I not the thoughtful
little wife?"
Husband:      "Well, yes, you're thoughtful enough, but tell me,
dear, how did you discover there was a hole in my pocket?"|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a
thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct
temperature.

One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer,
which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.

"Mom," my husband suggested without thinking, "You
should stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations
at his high-school alma mater. 

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the
standard alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the lady
driver on the road ahead of him as she was obviously
having difficulty deciding which lane she wanted to be
in. Finally, her mind made up, the woman veered into
the truck driver's lane and jammed on her brakes,
which resulted in a slight collision.

Unhurt but obviously harried, the lady driver rushed
over to the truck driver and started to bawl him out,
barking, "You knew I was going to do something
idiotic. Why didn't you stop to wait and see what it
was?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Alabama near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A senior citizen in Florida went down to the local Chevrolet dealer and
bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
Heading off the car lot and down the road, he floored it and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man as he stood on the gas peddle -- 80, 120, 150, 170 mph.  Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

  "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know
how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BLESS HER HEART, SHE CAN'T HELP IT, SHE'S A BLONDE
Stephanie, a young blonde was taking her first
airplane flight. About one hour into the flight
the pilot announced over the intercom, "One of
our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen
minutes late arriving."

Stephanie, continued to read her "Glamour"
magazine. About 30 miniutes later the pilot
came on the intercom again and said, "There
is a second engine out, we will be about thirty
miniutes late."

The Blonde passenger, looked up a bit concerned
but returned to reading her magazine. Fifteen
minutes after that the pilot once again came on
the intercom and said, "I'm sorry to say that
there is a third engine out, we'll be about one
hour late arriving at our destination."

Blonde Stephanie turned to the man sitting
next to her and said, "Boy if that forth
engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door
of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't!
The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.
The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mandlebaum receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort
where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer
and heads off for a weeken of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another
buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to
check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by
the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and
sees.... "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of
golf balls:  $395 " He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me
three $395 for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the
fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf
balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of
money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street
and paid them a $400 dollars a day for a room. At least I
would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here
we get you by the balls!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said
to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a
druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John and Bob were two of the bitterestgolf rivals at the club. Niether
man
trusted the others arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match
and
watching each other like hawks.

After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the
scorecard,
John asked Bob, what,d you have? Bob went through the motions of
mentally
counting up. Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself. No-a
five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!"

"Eight?" Bob said, "I could'nt have had eight."

John said, "nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually
you had seven."

"Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.

John told him, "one stroke penalty,'for improving your LIE'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division,
I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could
expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from
the boys," he said. "The second week, they
separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a
bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off,
and out pops a genie.The genie says, "Since you have freed me
from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a
might thirsty, I  think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down,
and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at
that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.
The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up
after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two
wishes can I grant for you?"The Irishman looks at the bottle in
his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO PUT THE RIGHT PERSON IN THE RIGHT JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from
outside.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the
situation:

(a) If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM
IN ACCOUNTS.

(b) If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN
ENGINEERING.

(c) If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN
PLANNING.

(d) If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN
OPERATIONS.

(e) If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

(f) If they have broken! the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

(g) If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN THE HUMAN RESOURCE
DEPARTMENT.

(h) If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE
MATERIALS DEPARTMENT.

(i) If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

(j) If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has moved -
PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at a person
and tell that person's age.The Irishman was very skeptical
and said so in no uncertain terms.The man had the elephant look at
 a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes." the boy said.The Irishman was very loud, in his not
believing that this was true.The man asked the elephant to tell the ages
of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot
and the people said he was correct.The Irishman got even louder
and more abusive toward the man.Finally the man could take it no longer
and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Irishman took him up on the wager.The elephant looked real close
at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you
wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief
in his voice cried "BeGabbers, He's right...Farty-two!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He:  I have a complaint, dear.

She:  What is it, darling?

He:  We've been married twenty-five years
and you still correct me every time I open my
mouth, dear.

She:  Twenty-six years, darling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the way back to Ohio as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they
announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline were looking
for
volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a
first
class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up
to
the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as
the
lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than
the
flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward . . . "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I have our two mothers sharing a double
room in our community seniors' home. One is 96,
mentally alert, but has little sight; the other is 90,
in good health, but is often confused and totally
devoid of memory retention or recall. Together, they
complement each other's handicaps and help each other:
one relates the messages; the other relates the
vision.

While out on a drive one day, my mother was describing
the passing scene, and said to my mother-in-law, "Too
bad you aren't able to see all this."

My mother-in-law quickly replied: "That's all right.
At least I'll remember where I've been."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies ****
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses
of bald men?
NONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm reading a murder mystery where they bury this guy in cornstarch. I'm
just getting to the part where the plot thickens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So
when
she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was
any
way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long
time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Tips for Emotional Eaters

[1] Ask yourself: "Am I really hungry or just bored?" Recognize real
hunger. Is your hunger physical or mental? If you just ate (less than
three hours ago) and don't have a rumbling stomach, it's probably not
real hunger. Drink some water, get up, move, and occupy your mind with a
task, wait a few minutes and chances are the craving(s) will pass.

[2] Journal. For the next several days, write down the foods you ate,
when portion sizes, mood, and hunger level. Over time, patterns can
emerge that will help reveal negative eating patterns and patterns to
avoid. By journaling you may uncover a negative pattern similar to, "I
was stressed all day at work. When I got home, I turned on the TV, got
comfortable, ate an entire large pizza (dinner), snacked on Hershey's
Miniatures (a whole bag), ate a container of Ben & Jerry's, and then
went to bed." Journaling offers tremendous insight. I encourage you to
begin. It will help identify weaknesses in order to begin building
strengths.

[3] Don't always turn to food for comfort. Instead of candy, cookies,
pie, or cake, take a walk, treat yourself to a manicure, facial,
massage, or call a friend. Plan enjoyable events with friends that do
not revolve around food Go on hike, bike ride or walk. Get out in the
fresh air and move. Exercise releases feel good hormones in your body
that zap cravings and make you feel great. without loading your body
with fattening calories.

[4] Clean up your "toxic zone." When temptation is not lurking in the
cupboards and pantry, starchy, high-calorie, high-fat comfort foods
aren't as likely to be eaten. You can't eat it if it's not there. Don't
keep bad, unhealthy foods in the house. If you do, when you're tired or
stressed, and at your weakest, you'll find yourself indulging in these
foods-and you'll feel worse later because of it.

[5] Choose healthy snacks. When eating between meals, choose a quality
snack that is "slower absorbing." By choosing slower absorbing foods you
will feel full longer and avoid spikes in your insulin levels. When you
eat high carbohydrate foods and spike your insulin levels you experience
an immediate sugar high (you feel good) and then about an hour or so
later you crash and burn (you feel bad, tired, sleepy and lethargic).
This is the infamous peak and valley syndrome. It wreaks havoc on you
mentally and physically (metabolism). A perfect example of good "slow
absorbing foods" is: a handful of almonds, walnuts, or pecans with
one-half cup cottage cheese or low-fat yogurt.

[6] Eat five mini meals (a balanced diet). If you're not getting enough
calories to meet your energy needs, you may be more likely to give in to
emotional eating. Eat at regular times and every three hours. Eating at
three-hour intervals is an excellent way to combat food cravings. Also,
never skip breakfast. When you do, you slow your body's metabolism down
and set yourself up for bingeing and poor nutritional choices later.
Include a variety of foods. Emphasize whole grains, fruits, vegetables,
as well as low-fat dairy products (several recent studies have given a
lot of credit to dairy and weight loss), and lean protein sources. When
there is variety you do not feel deprived and you're more likely to feel
fuller, longer.

[7] Consistent exercise. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress. With
less stress our mood and emotions are more manageable. When our body is
fit and well rested we can more effectively handle stress. Consistent
exercise releases endorphins or feel good hormones that help zap
cravings and feelings of hunger. Lastly, exercise provides a sense of
taking back control over your life. After beginning and sticking to even
a modest exercise program, people often describe a sense of mastery over
themselves, their body, and their lives. So, workout to an exercise
video, or get out and walk each day. It really doesn't matter what type
of exercise you do, as long as you enjoy it so you'll do it
consistently. I recommend a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise each day.
To lose weight faster, bump it up to an hour.

[8] Focus on progress and not perfection. If you occasionally give in to
emotional eating, forgive yourself, learn from it, and put it behind
you. Get right back on track at your next meal. Stop harboring the guilt
and let it go. You can't keep blaming yourself. It happened, let it go,
move on.

[9] Express instead of eat. If a stressful day, event, or news has
happened and it's steering you towards temptation, talk to a friend
about it, or, write about it in a private journal (or share it with
others at this site). Allow yourself to open up, vent, and get it off
your chest. Don't suppress what happened. This will only lead you down a
path of overeating. It is my experience that many emotional overeaters
do so because they tend to "bottle up" there emotions instead of express
them. Start expressing and you'll stop overeating.

[10] Confront unresolved issues. When we do not face our past issues,
they continue to resurface. If your eating is getting more and more
out-of-control, you may need professional guidance. A professional can
help determine why you are using food as a way of dealing with emotional
turmoil and help you confront unresolved issues. Overeating and eating
for emotional reasons can be controlled. Don't let it continue to a
point where it's destroying your body and life. If you think there are
emotional issues to your weight problem, another diet isn't the answer.
You need to focus on making changes and getting past your plate. Your
local phone book is a great place to find a psychologist or nutritionist
who specializes in helping people deal with past issues that may be the
cause of constant overeating.

[11] Join a support group. Whether it is a group like Weight Watchers,
Tops, etc. where you physically check in once a week or an Internet
group, it helps to have the support of people who truly understand what
you are going through because they have" been there done that".


**** Cool Links ****
THIS IS AN AWESOME SITE
WhisperSoftly's Music Pages...
http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/whispersoftly2004/PoetryIndex.html

Take Me Back To The Fifties
http://oldbluewebdesigns.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm

Forgotten Medical Cures
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/8929/cures.html


**** ON THIS DAY ****

SO, YOU THINK YOUR HAVIN' A BAD DAY
HO, HO, HO
THIS IS SO WELL WRITTEN I CAN PICTURE IT IN MY MIND

While standing in the Wal-mart check out lane, I
congratulated myself on a trouble free shopping trip. I had
successfully filled my cart with the vital necessities such as
diapers, Tylenol, karo syrup, paper plates, and a 1 lb bag of
M&M's. Once I had tied my toddler's shoestrings together he had
given up, after only two unsuccessful attempts, trying to climb
out of the cart. There had been no screaming and the escape door
to the parking lot was just a few feet away. It is these small
victories that make parenthood worthwhile.
Then it happened.

A larger sized woman in what could only be described as a
colourful house coat was in line in front of us. The store was
not busy and an odd silence filled the discount city. I could
only assume the woman had an unfortunate medical condition or
perhaps an extra large chilli burrito for lunch. Regardless a
sound erupted from beneath her frock that can only gracefully be
described as passing gas. With a vengeance.

Not a butt whisper. Not a rectal rumble. Not a delicate
little pooter. Nothing so refined.

Being the classy and reserved woman I am, I arched an
eyebrow ever so slightly and looked the other direction. I
resisted the urge to pull back my cart slightly, fearful of the
gentle wafting of noxious fumes.

My son was not so tactful. The very second the sound drifted
towards his ear, he reacted with a huge grin. His entire body
literally perked up. I cringed inwardly knowing something very
bad was about to occur.

"Oooo mommy, fawt!" he announced happily. And loudly.

Why did I ever wish for him to be able to speak?

I very quietly hushed him and made a desperate grab for the
M&M's, thrusting them into his tiny hands. But my efforts were
futile.

One of the odd things about my particular crotchling was he
mastered the art of imitating sounds long before his expressive
language skills ever kicked in. He could uh-oh with Teletubbies
at 10 months, repeat coughing patterns at 11 months, and had a
wonderful fake sneeze sound by his first birthday. The raspberry
noise was among the first he perfected. Admittedly certain
people (not me, of course) may have inadvertently encouraged
this skill early on, with hysterical laughter and unspoken
praise. He wasted no time in showing it off in this new venue.

"Ptthtthhhbbbbbt," he blew a wet boisterous zerber.
"Ptthhhhhbbbt, fawt mommy." This was repeated approximately two
dozen times, with loud raucous giggles in between. Most of the
giggles were from him.

I reacted in the only appropriate way possible. I turned to
the rack of magazines and completely ignored him, hoping by
chance people surrounding us might assume he was shopping alone.

The woman turned around as she left with her bags, glaring
at me. I shrugged helplessly with a semi apologetic smile.

"Some parents should teach their children manners," she
muttered.

As she walked off I wondered briefly why I felt humiliated.
After all, it was not I who had let a huge one rip in the middle
of a shopping center. Certainly this woman could understand the
irresistible position she had put my darling precocious child
in. I had just worked myself into a state of semi self righteous
indignation, still ignoring my demon spawn, when tragedy struck
again.

I have to assume this was a remarkable coincidence or
perhaps a cruel twist of fate. The kiddo had quieted and I was
writing my check, when yet another sound arose up. It was
reverberating, it was obtrusive, and it was juicy. It was a
series of multiple tones. It was vulgar in a showy sort of way.
It was also coming from my son's diaper.

The smell hit instantly and seemed to delight my crotchling
even further.

"Poopy," he told the cashier proudly. Thanks for the update,
not one among us could have guessed from the unbearable stench
surrounding you.

I briefly considered leaving him in the store, but sprinted
for the car instead. I crossed my fingers hoping no liquid of
any form would be streaming down his legs when I yanked him from
the cart. I was once again reminded there is no God, and my
prayer went unanswered. At least he was wearing socks.

I grabbed the stained towel from the trunk, generally used
for oil related issues but just as appropriate in this
situation. I dabbed him off the best I could and dumped out the
contents of one of the plastic sacks. Using it as a barrier, I
secured him into his car seat.

With great glee my son continued his narration the entire
drive home.

"Ewwww! Poopy fawt. Pthhbbbttt. Ewwwwww."

Just in case I wasn't following his version of events, he
managed to wipe some excess excrement from an unknown body part
and waved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~DONNA~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandma and Computer
 
The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
 
Its devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
 
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.
 
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'online'.
 
So, if inside your 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Roush: Busch 'used up his equity' with team  
By Ryan Smithson, NASCAR.COM  

HOMESTEAD, Fla. - When Kurt Busch was suspended from Roush  
Racing for the final two races of the 2005 season, it  
afforded a rare look at the complex relationship between  
car owners and drivers.  

Sometimes those relationships erode quickly. In Busch's  
case, his actions in Arizona were the straw that broke  
the camel's back.  

Busch had been on the Roush Racing payroll for six full  
seasons, but dialogue between Busch and owner Jack Roush  
ceased as the season wore on.  

Roush now says that he has not talked to Busch in a month,  
and it is unclear whether Busch will represent the team at  
next month's Nextel Cup awards ceremony.  

Even with the two-race suspension, Busch is guaranteed 10th  
place in the standings -- and a spot on the stage at the  
ceremony.  

"I don't know about the banquet. I'm not sure what  
convention requires or what Nextel will require there.  
I'm just not sure," Roush said.  

Roush said on Friday at Homestead-Miami Speedway that  
reinstating Busch for the season finale was not an option.  

"Kurt had been a challenge for everybody that interacted  
with him on the team at some time or other," Roush said.  
"He used up his equity with his sponsors. He used up his  
equity with me."  

Initially, Roush was going to let Busch finish the season,  
but as facts were collected, Roush reconsidered.  

"When I heard of what happened on Friday night out there,  
I thought I could personally stand aside from it," Roush  
said. "I thought that we'd be able to go on through the  
two races here and get through it.  

"As the news came in I didn't understand, first of all, how  
animated and how much difficulty the people had stopping  
him and talking to him. I didn't realize the angst that  
was there and the emotion that went with that and their  
willingness to report it and talk about it.  

"Then, of course, the outrage in the broader community and  
the embarrassment that we felt for it, it was just time for  
Kurt to fix his problem and to let the rest of us move on."  

Busch was scheduled to take part in track appearances at  
Homestead-Miami in conjunction with his Nextel Cup title  
reign, but those appearances were canceled.  
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

 Banana Salad

1  small box lemon Jell-O
Prepare as directed on package and pour into a 8x8x2-inch
casserole and let set till firm but not completely set.

Mix into firm but not completely set Jell-O and chill until set
1 cup of miniature marshmallows
1 cup pineapple chunks
2 bananas, sliced

Topping:
Cook and cool
2        tablespoons flour
   1/2 cup sugar
1       cup pineapple juice
2       tablespoons butter
1       tablespoon lemon juice
1       egg, slightly beaten
   1/4 teaspoon salt

Fold the above mixture into
1 cup whipped cream, or frozen whipped topping (thawed)

Pour on top of Jell-O mixture and chill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mandarin Fruit Salad

2                cups boiling liquid (juice from fruit or water)
1                large package (6-ounces) orange gelatin
1                tall can (13-ounces) canned milk, chilled (not
sweetened condensed)
   1/4         cup lemon juice
   1/2         cup mayonnaise
2 1/2 to 3 cups mandarin orange sections, drained
   1/2         cup chopped nuts

Dissolve gelatin in boiling liquid, chill until slightly
thickened.  Whip canned milk until it holds stiff peaks (be sure
bowl and beater are dry).   Gradually whip in lemon juice, then
gelatin mixture.  Fold in the mayonnaise, orange sections and
nuts.  Pour into 3-quart container.  Chill several hours until
firm.

Serve on salad greens if desired.  Garnish with mayonnaise topped
by mandarin orange sections.
For variety, use the same recipe with fruit cocktail (3
1/2-cups), instead of mandarin oranges, and any flavor gelatin.
Makes 16 servings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marshmallow Sunburst Salad

1        3-ounce package raspberry flavored gelatin
1        cup boiling water
1        cup cold water
1 1/2  cups peach slices
2        cups miniature marshmallows
          Lettuce
          Mayonnaise or Salad Dressing

Dissolve raspberry gelatin in boiling water; add cold water.
Chill until almost firm.  Arrange several peach slices in bottom
of a 1-quart mold.  Fold marshmallows and remaining peach slices
into gelatin; pour into mold.  Chill until firm.  Unmold on
lettuce; serve with mayonnaise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Who wrote the Star Wars series originally, and when?

Star Wars-based fiction predates the release of the first movie, with the novelization of "A New Hope" (by Alan Dean Foster but credited to George Lucas) released some months before the film itself. In 1978, Foster wrote the first original Star Wars novel, Splinter of the Mind's Eye, inaugurating a very successful literary spin-off franchise.

The six Star Wars movies offer the basis for which dozens of books have been written. The books have been officially authorized by LucasFilm, and were previously published by Bantam Books (with a few early titles published by Ballantine), though Del Rey now holds the contract again. The stories told by these books extend from a time long before The Phantom Menace, to a time long after Return of the Jedi. Books authorized by Lucas are written by fans of the films, and are part of a collection known as Expanded Universe. The first books considered to be part of the Expanded Universe began to appear in the late 1970s.

The Expanded Universe has been making its way through a revolution as of late in the New Jedi Order (NJO) series, which recently was wrapped up in The Unifying Force. The NJO has told the story of the galaxy's horrific invasion by the extragalactic Yuuzhan Vong, and has seen the passing of many heroic characters.

Some fans of the original Star Wars movies reject the literary works of the Expanded Universe, and insist only the films or statements George Lucas has made interpreting his own works, can be accepted as canonical. In spite of this viewpoint, there are very few continuity errors in the Star Wars sage, increasingly less since the release of the prequel trilogy of movies. Expanded Universe fiction is the officially-sanctioned continuation of George Lucas's six-film saga.

Other books include such titles as The Wildlife of Star Wars: A Field Guide, which detail things about the Star Wars universe and the films in a "non-fiction" style.

Perhaps the most widely acclaimed contribution was Timothy Zahn's Thrawn Trilogy, which covered what many fans had hoped would constitute Episodes 7, 8 , and 9. These books are considered to have captured the story and flavor of the original movie trilogy very well and drew upon existing published works from other previous Star Wars-based fiction writers.


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/

Weather Summary
Clouds on the increase tonight. We`ll lose some clouds tomorrow, but big
changes are on the way. Low pressure drops into the Great Lakes Tuesday
with a clipper leading the way Wednesday. This will put a chance of
precipitation the mid-week forecast. Likely to start as rain or
rain/snow mix then change to all snow as the low moves South dragging in
cold air behind it. Measurable snow will likely be in the Muncie area
with only trace amounts around Terre Haute, Bloomington and Vincennes.
As the clipper moves out very cold air fills in behind it. Temperatures
Thursday night and Friday morning will be in the low 20s with outlying
areas possibly in the mid-teens. Gusty winds will produce wind chills in
the single digits. Most of the rain and/or snow will stay in the Eastern
half of the Valley. So if you`re in Effingham, you`re not likely to see
much; but you stand a better chance if you`re in Brazil. Either way,
this does not look like a big rain or snow event. It depends on the
track of the low, available moisture and ground temperature.
-Dan Reynolds

Weather Factoid
Our Winter Weather Special is Tuesday, November 22nd at 5:30pm. Snow
forecasting, furnace tips, safety, firewood and more. Plus Walker`s
Winter Weather Outlook.

Sunday Night
Mostly Cloudy. Cool. West Wind 5.
Low 35

Monday
Decreasing Clouds. Cool. Northwest Wind 5-10.
High 49

Monday Night
Mostly Cloudy. Slight Chance of Light Rain or Snow, Mainly Eastern
Sections. Northwest Wind 5-15.
Low 32

Tuesday
Mostly Cloudy. Colder. 30% Chance of Light Rain or Snow, Mainly Eastern
Sections. Northwest Wind 10-15 with Gusts to 30.
High 43

Wednesday
Mostly Cloudy. 30% Chance of Light Snow Changing to Rain.
High 42
Low 25

Thanksgiving Day
Mostly Cloudy. 30% Chance of Light Snow, Mainly Eastern Sections.
High 36
Low 26

Friday
Partly Cloudy. Flurries Possible.
High 32
Low 22

Saturday
Partly Cloudy.
High 32
Low 20

Sunday
Partly Cloudy.
High 36
Low 22


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

"If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere." (Zig Zigler)

TOON TIME

Take A Peek
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22267.htm

Fun
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22266.htm

Last Drop
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22265.htm

Deer John Letter
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/016.htm

Doggy Dreams
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/017.htm

Flapjacks...err..catz...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1259.html

Melted Snow People
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/122914.htm

Small Carrot
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/122913.htm

Dreamin
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/122912.htm

Get A Cell Phone
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22276.htm

Shes Driving
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22275.htm

Fly Fishing
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22274.htm

Keeping Up Appearances...
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/appearances.htm

Great Street Art...
http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/streetart.htm

Monkey See....
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny816.html


Sushi
http://buffalosjokes.com/122925.htm

Got Milk
http://buffalosjokes.com/122923.htm

Glass
http://buffalosjokes.com/122922.htm


LAST CALL Y'ALL
This is a public service message for women to better understand men.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an
option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and
break wind as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.

You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And
never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either cars, sex, or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you
are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest..... like
looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?

That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.  
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
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Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web